Musings on my current state of mind

My hair is a staticky greasy horror today, so it was banished to two little buns on top of my head. I can never decide whether this makes me look cute or stupid.

I noticed I am developing a bad habit when I'm feeling down these days of basically reciting a litany of my problems to myself, sometimes over and over again. I think because I feel kind of pathetic about so often being overwhelmed by bad feeling lately, I need to remind myself that I have legitimate reasons for feeling bad so I feel less pathetic. I guess it's reassuring myself that no, you're not being completely stupid, you actually do have some real problems that are worth being sad over, you're not just some pussy whiner who can't handle anything. I may still feel bad, but at least I don't feel weak and pitiful.

Except it's actually pretty tough to convince myself that things are a big enough deal that I'm not just a whiner. Even just asserting "I have real problems" right now I feel kind of absurd. Makes me sound like a drama queen. I've always been inclined to ascribe my bad feeling to my just being a big sucky baby rather than claim to suffer any significant negative circumstance. It's tough to not feel like I'm just playing the victim if I ever try. Not surprising given my ideal state is to need nothing and do everything for myself.

The real problem with this bad habit, though, is that it's making it hard not to dwell on the negative. Maybe I would be sad anyway even if I didn't do this, but focusing on it so much I think is making it worse. I need to stop going over it again and again in my head. I guess I'm just worried that if I persist in being sad, I'll only make it worse because I get mad at myself for persisting in being sad. And I don't know any other way to stop getting mad at myself for it.

*Sigh* I'm working on it. I feel pretty good today. Last night I successfully cooked a stew, finished a Labor Wars character sheet, and though I didn't finish blocking for the play, at least a little progress has been made. Two out of three ain't bad. I want to go back over the sheet once more before the meeting tonight to make sure it's what I want. And I think I can get through the blocking. I feel better when I am accomplishing good things.