Back in the workout swing

I have managed to get myself back into working out at least four days a week lately. For about the past month or so, I have made sure to have around four days of a workout that lasts at least thirty minutes, usually closer to an hour. In the afternoons, I walk from my house to the Brandeis gym, which takes about fifteen minutes. When I arrive I stretch my knees, hips, and Achilles tendons, and practice ballet in the dance studio, or in one of the racquetball rooms if it's taken, for about thirty minutes. Then I either run on the elliptical or do a circuit in the weight room for fifteen minutes. Then I walk home for another fifteen. That's a lot longer than any workouts I ever managed to get in the habit of doing in the past, so I think I'm finally really challenging myself.

One day a week I got to the little gym on the corner of High and Newton street in Waltham and get run through a real circuit workout by a trainer. For one hour they switch you between cardio and and an intense weight routine with one-minute breaks between intervals. That is very challenging, and I usually leave pretty ripped up and exhausted. It's a little more expensive than I would like, but I really think its helping, so I'm sticking with it even though it's kind of tough on my budget. (Also the only feasible per-session price for me required committing for a year.)

I think I must be progressing, as the trainer has been pushing me lately. I'm not sure I feel that different, but I've never had very good perspective on my physical state. I am lucky that my body is always in at least decent condition; I have no real chronic pain and few physical limitations. I don't remember any real difference in how my body felt at my physical peak compared to the lethargy of a few months ago, or when at a depression-induced all-time-low weight versus lately at the heaviest I've been since high school. Not sure I see anything, but Bernie says he thinks my arms and legs look stronger, and when I flex my thighs they feel firmer than I've ever noticed them being before.

I went to the gym in the morning before work today. Unfortunately as I drove, it cut out the two fifteen minute walks there and back, but I still got in dancing and elliptical. Through most of college I got up early to go exercise, and the most consistent workout habit I've ever been in was when I did workouts five days a week in the morning before 9AM class with an additional workout on Saturdays. Maybe it'll be good for me to make this a habit again, especially since it'd be nice to not lose that chunk of time in the afternoons when I usually do chores, errands, and homework, but I am a little sorry about the abbreviation necessitated by having to get to work on time.

I'm also determined to progress in ballet, even without having classes to attend again until September. I've been getting in at least a little practice three or four times a week. I'm worried of getting into bad habits without a teacher watching, but I'm doing my best to remember what I've learned. I'm not sure my technique has improved, but one thing that does actively seem to be better than before is my balance. I've elected to practice off the barre in the interest of challenging myself to not depend on it, and I find I have become considerably less wobbly as I go through the steps. Maybe it's just because I am in fact getting stronger rather than becoming a better dancer, as holding yourself in the correctly balanced positions demands a lot of muscle control, but it's encouraging. It makes me want to keep at it, and I kind of hope that somebody who saw me before will notice and confirm that I have in fact improved in that department.



I have become obsessed with this video of ballerina Polina Semionova. I love the way it's filmed so that the camera follows her and focuses on the positions of her body, it allows you to really appreciate her technical perfection and just how lovely her dancing is. I love how long her legs are, how toned and strong she is without having that creepy pulled-tight look. My favorite parts kind of surprised me, as they weren't any of the big impressive things, but I really liked where she's just doing developpe over and over with one leg as she perfectly balances on the other with not a ripple going through the rest of her, and when she marches backwards on point in time to the music with her hands at her sides. It's a really lovely dance, very joyful and athletic. Makes me wish I'd started doing this younger, so I could have progressed with it more.

Time well spent

I have been using my time very well lately.

I have had long workouts almost every day for the last two weeks, including walking, weights, and a good deal of ballet practice.

I have done good writing, if not necessarily anything I can post yet, nothing's quite complete enough to make sense. Should try to whip something into readable shape.

I've started on a new sewing project, the Foxy Boxer Shorts from Sew Everything Workshop by Diana Rupp, my beginner sewing text. They are sort of complicated and I've already made mistakes, but what I need right now is actual, physical, tactile practice.

I've been reading good plays. I haven't been doing a lot of literary reading lately, so it's a nice change.

I've started cooking again, after not really having the time for quite a while. Now all I need to do is start having dinner parties again. I miss them.

I just got my DREAM script in the mail. Now I need to start getting off-book. Really looking forward to acting off of Jonathan as Demetrius.

I have not, by contrast, been terribly social. I've been feeling a little withdrawn recently and wanted time alone to do things.

Staving off the post-show crash with physical activity

Aaaaaand here's that emotional crash I was expecting from the show being over. I had a lovely evening last night with Steph and Jenn, but this morning I woke up with a longing for rehearsal. I've been trying to stave it off with physical activity apparently. It's a strategy that's helped in the past with low points. When I'm sad I want to lay around and do nothing, so getting on a schedule of things I have to do, such as going to work out, helps me immensely.

I was really looking forward to being able to go to ballet class two times a week again, but it turns out that they're going on hiatus for the summer except for a two-week intensive that looked interesting but is pretty far out of my budget. But I've resolved that I'm going to try to dance, at least a little, every day on my own. I've messed around in the the dance studio in the Brandeis gym every day so far this week. Practicing ballet, trying to figure out some choreography. I will be meeting Charlotte this weekend to brainstorm, so I want to have a few thoughts in my head and my tendons loose enough to do stuff!

I've also been going once a week to this little gym place in Waltham for a session with a trainer. It's a pretty intense circuit workout, where you alternate between equal periods of weights and cardio with a one-minute break in between each period for one hour. I hate it considerably less than I would have expected to. Mostly it's been challenging but not insurmountable, which is nice. It's really made my physical strengths and weaknesses stand out to me. My back is a little weak, it tends to get sore and tired quickly when it's engaged. And anything involving my arms is real work. I didn't even realize how noodly they were because I think both my arms and back look pretty good, but apparently there's nothing really there. Is it wrong that I kind of like their waifishness? Whatever. My ab strength, however, impressed even my trainer. My abs are apparently considerably above the fitness level of the rest of my body and I can breeze through most of the recommended exercises for my level at twice the reps. Gee, guess that's what happens when you're that fixated on one particular part of your body. If only I could get rid of the layer of bleh over them so the word could SEE how good they are. ;-) Alas, I continue to dream.

I do think it's helping. Periodically we have to max out on pushups, the wall sit, and the plank, and each time I've managed to do better than my previous time, so at least I'm getting stronger. I'd really like to be losing weight, but my eating habits have been so terrible lately, as they always tend to become as show dates approach, so I'll have to buckle back down. I noticed last night that my thighs are firmer than they've been in quite some time, which is nice. Unfortunately my knee tendons still twang during certain exercises. *Sigh* The hips of a contortionist and the knees of an old lady, as I've discovered in ballet. Is this really all the same body? I think ballet may be very slowly, very slightly helping with that, though, so if I manage to do the dancing and the accompanying stretching ever day like I plan, maybe I'll see real progress. It's a shame that since I'm getting stronger, I won't be going to ballet class. I was just grumbling about how as soon as we get to the hard stuff by the end of class, I'm almost out of energy and never dance as well.

My legs are hideous with about eight zillion bug bites that I got at the cast party-- and I've never managed to do a show without getting bruised --but at least they're getting toned.

Thirty seconds of choreography!

I finally bit the bullet and bought an alumni gym membership at Brandeis's Gosman Athletic Center. Until very recently the only criteria for admission was to flash a student ID at the kid sitting at the table by the door, and since I still have an ID that looks current, it was not obvious that I was no longer a student. I got away with doing that for over two years, until they switched the entrance policy to having to scan said ID in a card reader before you could be admitted. My ID is long since deactivated, so that was the end of that particular scam. An alumni gym membership costs a hundred and seventy-five dollars, which if you break that down on a per-month basis like most gyms is a great deal. It's just that my budget is tight enough that dropping that much money all at a shot is kind of painful. But I'm glad I did it, because I can start going again.

What I did with the very first day of my new membership is to commandeer the excellent dance studio and dance for an hour. I practiced ballet, and I also made my first real, solid progress on my choreography idea. I've been unable to get the idea of putting together an Avengers-themed dance production set to certain songs on the film soundtrack, with each dancer representing a different character, and even though it's kind of a silly idea I feel inspired and energized about it. So I want to see if I can do it. katiescarlett29* and I are looking into venues and everything. But after about an hour of noodling around listening to Comeback by Redlight King, one of my favorites on the soundtrack and clearly the Captain America song, I hammered out about thirty seconds of solid choreography that I feel good about. I just kind of danced improvisationally, doing whatever came naturally as I listened, and then took whatever came out nicely (re: non-clumsily) I worked on refining into a series of steps. A slow, undisciplined process, perhaps, as I danced for about an hour and only came out with thirty seconds I could use, but it's only a three-minute-thirty-second song, so I just need to do that six more times, right? ;-)

Six homework-free weeks to DO ALL THE THINGS!

After a fun but intensely packed weekend, my six homework-free weeks have officially begun! What do I plan to do with this glorious time, do you ask?

What ALL THE THINGS do I intend to DO, you ask?

- WRITE! There are three things that I want to focus on now. I want to noodle a bit on Break a Leg, my short funny metatheatrical larp. I want to work on back-engineering the work I did for the Tailor screenplay to finish the audio drama version. And I want to make a little headway on Mrs. Hawking. Next semester I'll be doing playwrighting again and I think that is what I would like to work on then. If I make a little headway on it now, maybe I can have enough of it done to submit pieces for my workshop manuscript for the residency.

- GARDEN! I want to plant the three daylilies we took home as favors from Nat and Vik's gorgeous wedding. I've never grown plants myself before, but my dad is an avid vegetable gardener and keeps lots of decorative flowers and trees in the yard, so I'm sure he could instruct me on how to raise a few pretty lilies. I'm not sure what color they are; orange is my favorite, but the yellow and the burgundy-red kinds are beautiful as well. I need to buy a planter and some potting soil.

- READ! I read constantly for entertainment, but it's mostly been blogs and the Internet and stuff. The books I've gotten to read for school, such as A Wizard of Earthsea and The Rhinoceros Who Quoted Nietzsche and Other Odd Acquaintances, have reminded me how much I'm missing out on. Bernie lent me Mistborn, so I guess I'll start with that, but I want to read at least one, maybe two real books this month.

- EXERCISE! I've been doing about one really hard workout a week, plus going to the Tuesday night ballet class that my rehearsal doesn't conflict with, but that's not enough. Now that I can spare the time, and I am going to get as much exercise as I can before I get busy again. I keep saying I'm going to do this, but I need to actually get off my ass when I don't have an excuse not to!

- DANCE! Going along with the exercise thing, I want to practice ballet. Also my INSANE GEEKY STUPID IDEA is that I want to choreograph an  Avengers-themed dance piece to the movie soundtrack, and even if that never goes anywhere, it's powerfully in my head right now and working on it at the very least will get me dancing and exercising! As lediva* wisely said, you always feel better going with that feeling of inspiration than you do regretting that you never went for it.

- SEW! I want to finish my Gertie crinoline 2.0 and the plaid skirt I drafted a while ago. morethings5* has gotten going with his sewing blog Gathering Pins and it's inspired me. The only way to progress is to practice, and I know I have the chunks of time necessary to really dig into my projects.

This may all be too much for just six weeks of free afternoons (my evenings are still pretty booked up) but I'd rather shoot for the moon and see how much I accomplish!

YAY THINGS!

A leaf at the mercy of winds greater than me

Grumble, grumble. It's looking likely that my hours at work are going to be moved back. Currently I get in at eight in the morning and leave at one, which has been convenient to my early-bird tendencies. By one o'clock I'm usually so hungry I can't think straight anyway, so it makes for a good stopping point. I also like having the entirety of the afternoon left open for homework, because the later in the day it gets, the harder it becomes for me to get any mental work done. But now I'm going to be working from 9AM to 2PM, which if given a choice I would not want to change to.

*Sigh* It's just one hour, so I guess it's not that big a deal. But I don't get a lunch break because I'm there for such a short period, so I'm either going to have to start bringing lunch in with me or else wait another hour, which with the way my metabolism seems to work would be very unpleasant. It will probably take me a while to really get into the habit of planning ahead for that, because I haven't had to so far.

Maybe I can take advantage of this. Maybe I'll keep getting up at seven like I have been and just use that extra time to get a daily workout in. In the past I've been best able to stick to a frequent workout routine when I got up early and did it before work. So I guess I could make this work for me. Still, it disrupts my current routine. Of course nobody consulted me, but this is my job, it's not supposed to be set up for my conveniences. I am a leaf at the mercy of winds greater than me. I should just be grateful I have a job that lets me work the part-time I need to be conducive to my academic responsibilities but still manages to be decent.

The collapse of the Sugar Plum Fairy

This week, both my ballet teachers said I was improving; in fact, on Tuesday Helena said in so many words that she was starting to go harder on me because I'm getting better. I am extremely pleased, as I've been working really hard.

My teacher on Thursday is Jessica Kreyer, who has for a number of years been the Children's Ballet Mistress for the Boston Ballet's annual production of The Nutcracker. One thing she likes to emphasize is how hard ballet really is, how the traditional way the dance is practiced is designed to push you to the very limit of your strength and endurance until you literally cannot go on. Obviously that's not how we're taught, but she says it is not unusual for the training of top-level professional dancers. She emphasizes this to help us feel better about how often we simply lack the strength to do certainly things correctly. Balance, for example, takes a huge amount of strength! To illustrate her point, she told us about the dancer who played the Sugar Plum Fairy in the most recent Nutcracker at the BB. Her choreography looks light, ethereal, like she's a floating weightless nymph. But to achieve that air, to execute that choreography so beautifully and technically perfect, she has to work so hard that the minute she came offstage she collapsed in a gasping heap. Jessie told us the students of hers who were also in the ballet were shocked to see it, 'cause the movies make you think that dancers just prance offstage with enough breath to have dramatic conversations and possibly stab their costars. But that is how hard the highest levels of ballet really are, and that sort of thing happens once the dancers get offstage all the time.

It was interesting to think about. That for even the very best practitioners of the art there are, it is still so hard, so demanding to them. That to do it right, even when you are a master you will never be able to give less than everything you've got. As one of my all-time favorite quotes says, from some random movie I saw in French class about Edgar Degas, it takes supreme effort to make it look effortless.

Strapless white gown with net overlay; or, why Phoebe shouldn't be allowed in thrift stores anymore

So for three of the last four days I went on long walks where I got in the ten thousand steps they say you should shoot for to use walking as a form of exercise. I'm pleased with myself. I also ran errands in the process, including culling some unwanted articles of clothing and dropping them off at the thrift store. Unfortunately, I can't seem to enter a thrift store without poking around a little to refill the storage space I just freed up. Which means I brought home another fancy dress I didn't need and don't have nearly enough occasion to wear.

It's a white polyester satin with a tulle overlay that is wrapped around the bodice such that it overlaps in front and makes a neat split-petal effect on the skirt. The bodice has plastic boning in it to keep it in place. I've never owned a strapless dress before, but this fits nicely and stays up well. And it finally occurred to me to find a shot timer app for my iPhone so I could take pictures of myself that didn't block out my face. Unfortunately it doesn't seem to allow the camera to focus, which results in a much higher quality picture, but this isn't bad. I could see this as a great wedding dress costume, if I ever want one that is a little younger, more modern, and sexier than the real wedding gown I have that I think dates from the 70s.

Obligatory bodice shot. I really like the little gold branch details on the net:

I like it a lot, but I really have too many fancy thrift store dresses at this point. It's especially silly since I'm planning to start sewing stuff for myself. I have made a lot of progress through my text, Sew Everything Workshop, and am approaching the section where it walks you through actual projects, so the last thing I need to do is fill my closet with more clothes I don't need.

Ah, well. It's not like it costs me much, and I do get real pleasure from them. I guess I'll just have to throw another fancy party where I change outfits every hour to give myself an opportunity to wear them.

Free on a Friday

For the second round of Festival I got into Folding the River. I was torn very much between it and High Rollers, but I'd already told the GMs I would be signing up, so I decided to let that decide for me. Neither Paranoia or The Stand have filled yet, but neither are in the time slots that people tend to prioritize, so I am hoping that once signups go open on Monday night we will get our full complements. Paranoia was in theory supposed to be modular, so it might be able to work if we have to excise parts, but frankly I think that fell by the wayside enough that we'd have to do a lot of fixing to make it work. The Stand is not really able to work without pretty much the entire cast-- I could maybe cut out two roles, max, without having to do major surgery --so I really really want it to fill.

In other news, I have finished my first screenwriting assignment and have decided to declare my afternoon and evening free. I am now making a list of things I'd like to do with that open time. I would like to take a walk into town, maybe run an errand or two, maybe just walk. It occurred to me recently that even if I get back to going to the gym as often as I did in undergrad, back then I was also walking across campus three or four times a day in addition, which I am definitely not getting now. So I am determined not only to make time for workouts, but also just get off my lazy ass and walk during the day. It means a significantly greater time commitment, unfortunately, but I think if I schedule correctly I can make it work. It would be worth it to shape up a little.

I want to finish another scene for Tailor that I've started but not yet made much progress on. It's the confrontation between Tom and Kenneth where we finally learn why Kenneth's been hanging around with so much interest in the Lorings. We recorded a scene between Plesser and Jared this week, which has inspired me. I would also like to have it for the Artist Meetup morethings5* and I have planned this weekend, where we use each other as accountability partners to keep us working on our artistic projects. Maybe I'll noodle a little on my short-quick-easy larp idea, since I'm feeling particularly engaged in larp production right now.

Finally, it'd be nice to make a little more progress with my new beginner sewing text, Sew Everything Workshop. I've gotten a little ways in and so far it's exactly what I was looking for. It starts with the basics and explains them very clearly. So far I haven't learned anything I didn't already know, but I like things that emphasize the foundation and confirm that I understand correctly before moving on to what I don't already grasp. I'm anxious to get to the part where it actually walks you through a sewing project, which is what I think I really need.

Oh, and one last thing. I recently decided that the first "plot line" I'd like to feature on Hipster Feminist is a story about Rhoda stalking an ex-boyfriend. Not sure how that's going to work yet, but I think it has the potential to be very funny. Maybe I'll do a little work figuring out the storyline and seeing how I can chunk it out into individually funny, one hundred and forty-character pieces. 

Pondering my next direction

Now that the semester has ended and Merely Players has wrapped, for the first time in ages I find myself without a large project before me. It isn't as if I have nothing to do. I have plenty of chores that fell by the wayside in the last week-- I need to upgrade to the new iPhone, figure out why there's an immunization hold on my class registration, and take my car in for service --but no large endeavors currently on the docket. So now I find myself pondering my next direction.

I should probably just enjoy not having a deadline or heavy intellectual responsibility for a while. That state never lasts long, and it might be a nice recharge period for my tired brain. I've always found mental work enormously more demanding than physical work, which probably explains why I tend to keep up with day-to-day responsibilities so well and have to focus so hard on my real work endeavors. But I feel bored and useless if I go too long without a project, so after a short rest period, I should probably buckle down on something new. The only question is, what shall that new project be?

I am considering working on Imperium, my new idea for a larp. It would be nice to shift away from theater writing for a little while, which has been my primary preoccupation. I did a count recently and I have brought my number of completed works up to four one-acts and four ten-minute plays. Of course, I have been thinking a lot about the theatrical pieces that I wasn't able to submit for any class assignment, specifically Mrs. Hawking and The Tragedy of Sundan. I like these ideas very much and believe I can create something truly great from them if I put my mind to it. Maybe now's the time to devote to one, or both, of those.

Of course, maybe I need to switch gears entirely. I haven't worked on my sewing in weeks now. Getting good at something like that requires practice, and the biggest obstacle to that has been not having any time. If my evenings are mostly free again, I could really dig into that. I went with Plesser and Caitlin to help him pick out a Real Grownup Suit this past weekend, and watching the tailor mark out the adjustments he would make for fitting renewed the spark of my enthusiasm for it. It would please me to make some progress learning there.

I also want to get back into a regular workout schedule. I have been pretty careful with the calorie counter recently, and I actually like how mindful it's made me of my food choices. I feel healthier and like I'm dropping a little weight already. But that's not really enough, I should be trying to be more active too. Having work in the mornings, homework in the afternoons, and rehearsal in the evenings was really not a schedule conducive to getting to the gym. But with less occupied time, I want to get back to a good routine that includes practicing ballet. Another thing I want to work and get good at.

So, Imperium, Sundan, Mrs. Hawking, sewing, or something else? What do you guys think?

Practicing on my own

Work for the last couple of days has been a string of HIGH STRESS CHALLENGE WILL I BE ABLE TO HANDLE IT alternating with oh thank God I managed to take care of that and then more OH NO ANOTHER HIGH STRESS CHALLENGE PLEASE DON'T LET ME FUCK THIS UP, and so on and so forth. Could be worse. Could be crashing and burning. I'm handling it, but it's got me very on edge.

In less stressful news, I have decided that I am going to use practicing what I learn in my ballet class as a workout. I have gotten so fed up with my old workouts that I think this will energize me to keep up with physical activity. I'm really enjoying ballet, though I find it very challenging and am definitely not very good. But I want to get better, so hopefully that will be motivation enough to practice, which will simultaneously help me improve and keep me exercising. Yesterday I went home after work, walked to the gym, practiced for about forty minutes, went into the weight room to do some abdominal exercises, and then walked home again. I felt very good afterward, and my muscles felt like they got a good workout without being extremely sore. I worked away from the ballet bar so as to practice my balance, and I paid very close attention to keeping my torso above my legs and to how I moved my arms. My ballet arms have been consistently quite ugly, which irks me, oddly shaped and too tense at the shoulder. I also find it difficult to coordinate their movements with what I'm doing with my legs. These are things I'll particularly have to practice as I work on my own.

I've got the class again tonight, so I may just see that I get in some walking today to keep things balanced. Carolyn went with me this past Tuesday. it's Bring a Friend week, so we both got to take the class for free. (Tonight's the same, if anyone is interested!) It was very fun having a friend along, and she really is wonderful company. She's been a dancer for many years, so she's far and away ahead of me, but I hope I didn't embarrass myself too badly. :-) I have a lot to work on!

Random musings on ballet so far

Had my third ballet class. Other than some irritating issues with their billing process (they will not credit me the classes I bought in bulk until I physically receive my class card, which THEY HAVE YET TO MAIL ME, grrrr...) I am really liking it. Here follows some random musing on ballet.

One thing that shocked me was how familiar it all was. The movements, the positions, the words for everything, all felt weirdly natural and intuitive. I mean, of course the subtleties of how you execute the dance and how exactly to use your body requires years of devoted practice and training, and while I'm doing well enough for a beginner it's not like I'm picking it up effortlessly. But the basic gists of the movements all felt very familiar to me, even though I've never had any instruction in it before-- even when I would falter on what to do, when I would see what the right thing to do was, I got a strange feeling of, "Oh, of course that's right." I wonder why that is. Maybe ballet was formulated based on the way the body is inclined to move, so when I do it, I'm doing what my muscles were made to do. Maybe it's because ballet is so technical that the way it's done has a very iconic, recognizable look to it, and having seen ballet and absorbed something of what it's like. While I wouldn't say I've experience a lot, I have had some, and it made a real impression on my mind. Whatever the reason, it's kind of cool how "right" a lot of the steps feel even though this is the first instruction I've ever had in it.

I am also struck by how bodies can be strange and amazing things. Mine always shocked me with the ways I'm flexible and the ways I'm not. When I was in elementary school doing the Presidential Fitness Exam, I scored high enough to pass in every category except the sit-and-reach where you put your legs in front of you and see how far along them you can stretch. Back then my knees were so tight that I couldn't reach as far as a boy, for whom the flexibility standard was lower, let alone be able to touch my toes. It's not nearly so bad now since I'm put some effort into working on it, but still, my knee tendons are weirdly inflexible and prevent me from doing a number of athletic feats without pain that I would probably otherwise be capable of. But my hips, by contrast, are practically the hips of a contortionist. I can effortlessly lay my legs flat on the ground in butterfly stretch, and I can lift my leg just about to shoulder level before my thrice-damned knees start to complain. In ballet class we had to do an exercise where we'd lay one leg on the ballet bar at various angles from the hip and bend the body over it. When my leg was out in front of me, putting the tension on the knee tendons, I could barely bend at all without it hurting. But when my leg was at my side, requiring flexion at the hip, I could practically lay down on it. I should have someone take pictures of me doing this sometime to illustrate it, as the difference is really quite extreme.

With any luck, though, doing ballet will increase my knee flexibility. At the moment doing some of that stuff is quite hard on them. But weirdly enough, as tough as that stretching is to do in the moment, though I expect to be sore after class or the next day, I'm really not. I can feel the effort while I'm doing it, but so far, no residual soreness or discomfort. I guess I should be pleased about that; means no unnecessary pain, and probably indicates I'm not as out of shape as I thought. Still, I hope I'm getting the workout I think I'm getting out of this. Ballet has a reputation for its physical demands that whip the dancer into shape. As I've mentioned, I'm just a little bit chunkier now than I'd like to be, and even think a slight slimming down would make me a better dancer. Truth be told, though, much as I tend to like thin girls, I've never particularly enjoyed the look of the classic ballerina body-- that spare, tightly pulled, almost featureless figure. In extreme cases it suggests to me a weird meshing of an immature, childish body with the strained, pulled aspect of harsh aging. Heh, of course for me that's not going to come even close to happening, so with any luck I'll just get back into the shape I want to be.

My blocking style: CREATIVE ADRENALINE HYPERDRIVE MODE

Had a ballet class the other day, my first at the school that blendedchaitea* is also attending. I enjoyed it, though it wasn't quite what I expected. I guess because they don't expect you to necessarily be there every class, it wasn't so much like "here is the lesson" as "follow along with the teacher as she goes." I did a reasonable job of following along, as I am fairly athletic even if I am totally unschooled. I enjoyed the challenge of it, and I liked that it felt like a workout. Though I really need to drop a few pounds. My thighs have gotten big enough to make some of the closer-set leg positions uncomfortable to do properly, which I loathe. Makes me feel like a tub. Hopefully the ballet will contribute to the slimming down, which will in turn make the ballet easier. I'm hoping to go again tonight before I meet Jared for BSCF.

Second Merely Players rehearsal yesterday was a rousing success. I was really pleased with the blocking we set down. I like to go into rehearsals with a very firm plan of what we're going to be doing with each scene. My preferred style is to give a solid framework for each scene's action, then have the actors develop their own pieces of it from there. It usually comes out with very good results when I've come up with something good that inspires the cast acting it out. But sometimes just working on the blocking on my own, I don't quite... get there. I don't get inspired to figure something out that's quite on the level I want it to be. As I've said so many times before, I believe a dynamic, well-composed, and well-orchestrated stage is the key to an engaging production. That's a pretty tough thing to achieve. So sometimes, like last night, I end up having to go in with my plan about seventy-five percent of where I want it to be. But then, once I'm in rehearsal, the creative pressure kicks in. I don't want my cast to see me unprepared, or turning in a level of work less than what I believe I'm capable of, so I'd better figure it out RIGHT NOW GODDAMN IT. And that frenzied urgency to turn it out right now so I don't let down my actors, what I call CREATIVE ADRENALINE HYPERDRIVE, kicks up the plan the final twenty-five percent. We worked out some really great, active, dynamic stuff last night that seemed to click with the actors performing it, and I felt really on my game.

This is really important ot me because I believe plays, particularly plays with a classical bent, benefit from activity that is supertextual. Hold Thy Peace has never been very good at bringing a lot of action to the stage that is not directly informed by the text. But things that are done even when they are not said can add more depth, more visual texture, and explicate aspects of the show that otherwise may seem unclear, rushed, or plain unbelievable. Merely Players in particular I wanted to be extremely active and visually layered, so having a lot going on is crucial. This is an unusual case because I happened to have also written this text we're working with, but but I prefer to included as little blocking in a script as possible in order to allow it to be directed without baggage. I included a litlte to suggest the sort of physical humor I wanted to get at, but largely I wanted to develop the staging independently of the script so that we didn't limit what we could do. And that means coming up with a lot of stuff that isn't written down, that adds layers to just the things suggested by the words.

There is, it occurred to me last night, just one weird downside to these energetic creative bursts. They kind of take up so much of my brainpower that there isn't much room left over for anything else. Normally I'd say I'm a pretty together, mentally present person when it comes to running mundane responsibility stuff-- scheduling, staying organized, being on top of what's going on, things like that. But I find when I go into that CREATIVE ADRENALINE HYPERDRIVE mode, it pushes all ability to handle those things right out of my head. There is only the project, work for the project, make the project great-- but I can't seem to remember the rehearsal schedule I made for that night, I have a hard time focusing on anything I have to read, and my brain moves so far ahead of my mouth that I sometimes forget what I'm talking about. I spent rehearsal practically bouncing off the walls, and by the end of it I was twitchy and babbly. But it is worth it to lose a little of my mental composure, because we came up with some really fun, interesting, funny stuff to use in the show. I'm really proud of myself, and incredibly pleased with the people I was working with, who were kind enough to gently remind me the different between eight o'clock and nine o'clock when I lost the ability to tell.

More walking



Now that the weather is finally warming back up, I think it's time to rededicate myself to the resolution to start walking whenever possible rather than jumping in the car. I can't bear the cold, so I drove everywhere to shield myself from having to spend time outside. But God knows I need the exercise, though I did manage to work out four times last week. Let's see if I can do at least that well this week, even though when I'm really in a groove I can do it six. But also quite pressing is the rising prices of gas, which haven't been this high around here for ages. I could really do without spending that chunk of change on so regular a basis. The only trouble is time-- I certainly don't mind the effort, I actually actively enjoy walking places, but it can be so much more time-efficient to drive instead. Often my life is so tightly scheduled (as yesterday was, yowza) that I just can't spare the minutes in my already packed day plan. The solution is probably just to not overschedule myself, but knowing me that is easier said than done. I do better, especially with the emotional hole I've had such a hard time digging myself out of these last few months, when I have more going on, more things to do, more projects to work on, more things to think about.

Today when I got out of work Jared and I walked the mile to the grocery store and back, so that's something already. :-)

State of the body

I am still sick, and getting really tired of it. I can't remember ever having a cold that lasted longer than four or five days, but this one's been lingering for over a week now. Tenacious little bastard of a bug. I guess one long cold is preferable to the five or so little colds I got last winter, but still, I'd like to not be packed up with green slime anymore. Even Jared's pre-discontinue psuedoephedrine Sudafed has not brought much relief. In fact, I felt so lousy last night I went to bed at ten and didn't get anything done. I am kicking myself for that, I have too much writing left to waste time even when I'm not feeling so great.

On the plus side, my sore legs seem to have recovered. This pleases me, not only because I feel better moving again, but also because I wanted to practice the dance steps that put me there in the first place. They are fun to do, and I want to get good at them. I even believe I have lost a little bit of weight. I pulled on a pair of jeans that was growing uncomfortably tight just a month or two ago, and now they fit properly again. Hooray! I guess getting exercise like shoveling snow and dancing on top of cutting out junk food was a good plan. The difference is very small and not at all visible, but it means a lot to me that my clothes don't fit me like sausage casings.

First dance rehearsal

Saturday was the first rehearsal for nennivian*'s Magic at Midsummer piece. I'd been excited to get going for a while, and on Saturday I had a blast. I was a bit nervous for my own performance; I'm not a bad dancer once I memorize my steps, but it takes me a while to learn the choreography to get to the point where I can go through it smoothly and fast enough. But I feel like I followed along really well, and I didn't even confuse right and left that often (which has been a lifelong problem of mine.) Charlotte's choreography is really great-- it's fun to do, it tells the story really well, and it has neat moments where one phrase will have similar but not the same elements of a different phrase that connect them and contrast them at the same time. It's very clever. She also did a great job of teaching it to us; I think the clear way she could describe it and then demonstrate it really helped me get through my typical difficulties absorbing the movements for the first time.

There are several cast members from HTP's Midsummer in this show, and I like the fact that all of us are playing different roles in this show than we did in the other one. I am Titania where I used to be Puck, Plesser is Bottom where he used to be Lysander, and Zanna is Puck when she used to be Hermia. Heck, we even have some Midsummer crew members who now took on roles-- Marissa the costume designer is Hermia, and Jenna helped with makeup and now is Helena.

It felt like a great workout, fun to do and actually physically demanding. I am lucky, I think, that my partner for a lot of the movements will be Plesser, who is strong enough to help me out with some of the paired ones like the dips. The only downside is that I am now very sore. Scratch that-- most of my body is just fine, but my thighs are pretty ripped up. Charlotte incorporated this one move that I was flattered to hear was inspired by my performance as Puck, the movement that was kind of Puck's signature, crouched down on the ground with one leg bent and one leg fully extended.

Once we started doing that, it came back to me just how rough moving like that was on a body that isn't used to it. I'm walking kind of gingerly now, and getting up and down stairs is a real pain. I had lofty ideas of practicing the steps a little every night between rehearsals, to get them more solidly in my mind, but I think I'll have to just stick to spending some time visualizing them until I'm moving better. But I think I'll be okay soon. As it was during Midsummer, I expect I will be uncomfy at the very beginning of the process while it's new to me and at the very end of the process when I'm doing it every night for the week leading up to the performance. :-)

Congratulations to Jared!

Jared had some excellent news the other day when he was offered a job with a mediation firm in Watertown! It's a small operation that he noticed a few weeks ago and decided to stop by and give them his resume in hopes that they'd think of him if they needed any help. Lo and behold, they gave him a call! He's going to be assisting there a few days a week. It's only part-time, and he doesn't know how long it will last, but it's exactly in the field he wants to get into and learn more about, not to mention a great resume-builder. And it's only a few blocks away from his house, so he can walk in even on snowy days like this. So congratulations to him! I am incredibly proud.

No work for me today due to the snow. I'm glad, I'm not feeling well and I want to get things done around here. I have already shoveled out half of the driveway, even that accursed bump churned up by the snow plow pushing aside the snow on the road. I hate that stuff, it's slushy and grimey and much heavier than regular snow. The one thing I'm pleased about is that it forces me to get some exercise, I can really feel it in my abs. I'm not that sore afterward from it, though, which I guess means I'm not as out of shape as I thought, and it's probably not going to have a huge effect. But whatever, at least I'm working my abs.

Finished my third character sheet last night. Today I aim to get another one done, and either a second one or the bluesheet. The bluesheet actually might be a good idea, so that I can get it out to everyone sooner rather than later.

Counting the steps

I have decided to start wearing a pedometer again. Several years ago Usdan gave out cheap little Coca-Cola-sponsored ones in the checkout line, and for a while I tried to wear mine on my belt everywhere I went. I am certain I looked very dorky, but damn if it didn't encourage me to work toward making the ten thousand steps a day required for walking to be a viable way to burn calories. So I downloaded one on my iPhone which more or less works, but its function is interrupted and must be reset if anything else happens on the phone, and it is considerably less convenient to have something the size of an iPhone in my pocket all the time. I may still have the little Coke-brand on in my boxes somewhere; it might be worth it to check, as frankly, silly as it may have looked, it was more convenient for the purpose.

Also related to this end of walking more, I have replaced my everyday walking shoes. I am a devoted fan of simple, sleek, dark-with-a-stripe Puma athletic-styled shoes and have settled upon the Puma Speed Cat SD as my variety of choice. This is my second time purchasing this style in particular, and my fourth time choosing something with this similar kind of look. When discovering they came in both black and brown I got both, reasoning that if I alternated them they would last longer. I always write down in my Livejournal when I buy new ones so I can check how long the previous pair lasted me. I am very hard on shoes, apparently-- it's only been a year and a half since the last time I bought new pairs. I've heard a lot of people can keep one pair going for years without it sustaining any seriously compromising damage. Of course, I consider shoes "worn out" to the point of unwearability once their arch support gives out, even if they are still presentable-looking and otherwise in good repair. They are just too painful to continue on with once that happens. I plan on still keeping the old ones so that I can wear them when I don't want to mess up my good ones. I will just have to keep insoles in them in those cases; they've really reduced the pain issues I've been having recently.

My resolutions

For the record, the list of things I have resolved myself to in the hopes of self-betterment:

- work out six days a week

- treat my face with cleanser and moisturizer every night

- take proper care of my skin

- stay hydrated

- use only reuseable shopping bags

- buy less meat

- maintain more than my self-mandated minimum in my savings account at all times

- stop biting my nails

- never wear schlubby clothes

- do not waste money on low-quality purchases

- reduce waste output

- plan meals and grocery trips in advance

- drive less and walk more

- consume minimal junk food

I will check my progress on this in a little while.

Stuff to work on

Since I'm feeling pretty good right now, I am settling my brain onto the various things I feel like I should work on in the near future.

I think it's time to get serious about looking for a different job. The one I've got now is perfectly pleasant and all, and they've been very nice to me here, but it's not really what I want to be doing and while the pay isn't bad, they don't give me as many hours as would take some of the pressure off the old budget. So I think it's time to try and find something more to my interest that pays a little better. I know it's a tough market out there, but I have recently just reached one full solid year of real work experience, and I know that it's usually easier to find a job once you have one and prove you could hold it down. So I'm a little hopeful. Ideally I'd like something in writing, editing, or publishing, so that's where I'm concentrating my search. I am not relishing the whole searching and applying process, but I've gotten a few applications out there and I am resolved to buckle down on this.

I really need to get writing again. It's been a while since I really did serious writing-- there was The Labor Wars, but that is finished now and I should keep myself busy. I certainly need to get cracking on my Intercon K bid, The Stand. I've actually made some progress on it recently that I'm very pleased with, but I don't want to lose momentum. Also, I should really work on some non-gaming stuff, something that I could actually maybe possibly someday take to a publisher and take a shot at the the hopeless pipe dream I'd really like to go after, being a professional writer. I have a lot of stuff started that has languished due to being busy with life, school, work, gaming, and stress, and a lot of it really wasn't half-bad. I am resolved to work on The Stand as well as a piece of literature that maybe I could someday get published.

Also, I want to continue the progress I've made on actually taking care of my health. I am not working out every day like I wanted to, but I am working out more frequently now than I was before. I have not been perfect about my skin care routine, but my acne is greatly reduced and my face looks clearer than it has in ages. I've also been drinking a lot more water. Since Jared's parents gave me this really nice metal water bottle, I've been carrying it around and actually drinking from it. The only downside is my body is still accustomed to being chronically on the edge of dehydration that it doesn't know what to do with all the extra water, and so I'm sent running to the bathroom every fifteen minutes. My eating habits are mostly okay, though this past week or so they were all thrown to hell. I'll have to get back on track with that. I've also decided that I'm going to have at least one day a week where I don't eat or buy any meat. This is more for environmental and pocketbook reasons than health, but I think it's a good small change to make.

The last thing is, I've been something of a recluse lately. My being extremely busy (between work, chores, and rehearsal, my life was gone) and feeling a bit low has kept me from doing much of anything with friends. I mean to rectify this. In the weeks to come, I want to have social events and do fun things with friends again. I know I certainly didn't have nearly as many dinner parties as I meant to this summer. Please don't think I have forgotten you all, it's just my way to withdraw when the stress mounts. But if I'm managing it better and working on improving the situations that cause it in other parts of my life, I should be able to get back to my old self again.

With all the stress I've felt lately, I think having some positive efforts to focus on will help me keep steady and eventually improve. The change will do me good.