The hidden mysteries in my ethnic background

My grandmother certainly considered herself to be white. Her name was Julia Leone, nee Gush, and though I never had the chance to ask her about it or anything, that was still pretty clear. She had plenty of reason to. She had skin that was within the reason range of shades for a white person and no features that marked her otherwise. Her maiden name had any indication of ethnicity mangled out of it before she was born, while her married name, though Italian, was white enough. Her husband was white; she was even the mother of a pink-skinned, green-eyed, yellow-haired girl-- the proverbial angelic blonde child. The culture she sprang from and identified with is white culture. If you saw a picture of her, chances are you would not think anything different.

But really... my grandmother wasn't all white. Not completely. She was a first-generation Russian-American. Both of her parents emigrated from Russia in the early Twentieth Century. They met, married, and had eleven children in a small town outside of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, one of whom was my grandmother Julia. They spoke Russian, worshipped at a Russian Orthodox Church, and identified with the associated ethnicity. My great-grandmother Anna Sherba was fair and blonde, the source of Mom's looks, so unlike either of her parents. This is not an usual appearence for an ethnic Russian, but I was very surprised to hear it-- after all, Grandma, the foremost representative of Russian blood in my life, had sharp features and dark coloring. But that's because of my great grandfather, Tymko Gush, known sometimes as James Gush, whose real surname was lost to Americanization a hundred years ago. According to my Mom, he had tan skin, high cheekbones, and almond shaped eyes. To look at him, he was not a white man, he was obviously Asian.

Because of the Mongolian conquest of the area that would become Russia, there are parts of it where the inhabitants have quite a bit of Asian blood. I'm not positive, but my great-grandfather may have even been Siberian, where it is particularly common. Because of this his ethnicity would be hard to qualify, since he was likely the product of generations of mixed people marrying other mixed people, but he was probably some proportion of Asian and white. That combination is likely the reason why my grandmother looked as white as she did. But it makes me wonder-- what did my great-grandfather consider himself? Did he think of the white versus nonwhite issue? Or was he just "a Russian," a more important distinction in a new country where so few share your ways and customs? I have no idea if there's any conflict between Russians of pure Caucasian decent and the Russians who have some Asian in them. In America, I know pretty much every immigrant in my family suffered some poor treatment from someone on account of their ethnic background. Did my great-grandfather ever get treated differently for someone recognizing him to be nonwhite?

I think of my immediate family. Now on the third generation in this country, my family appears very white, and benefits from the associated privilege. In fact, people have assumed that we must have the very highest level of privilege that being white in this country can possibly confer on you because of how well we present-- that we're not descendents of relatively recent immigrants (we are), that we do not have a close working class history (we do), that we come from people who are rich and educated (we don't). My grandparents-- poor, uneducated, and foreign --did not experience that same privilege. Their backgrounds made them targets for all kinds of hate and discrimination; even my mother and father faced some of that growing up. But still, the time and place my grandmother lived, when you're already suffering because you're ethnic, well, at least you're not tormented for being nonwhite. Getting to claim whiteness was some status better than none. So I guess it's not so strange that my grandma would forget or ignore that part of herself. After all, people tend to consider you to be what you look like. When she looked around, in the mirror or at her blonde daughter, it was probably easy to forget.

Tymko Gush, however, is not the only one I wonder about on that side. My great-grandmother Anna makes me wonder as well. She came to this country from Galitzia, a small area that has been owned by several countries but at the time was Russia, at the age of seventeen to escape the Bolsheviks. At the time, many Jewish families were fleeing from the exact same place to America as well. Her first job in the country was working as a maid for a Jewish family. And I realized when I came to Brandeis that many of the weird "family words" we'd been using-- nebbish, noodge, schmatta --were Yiddish, and had come into use because Anna used them. Those are small things, but they made me wonder... could my great-grandmother have actually been born a Jew?

My mother scoffs at the idea. That blonde ethnic Russian? This was the woman who took her to church every Sunday, who was devoutly Russian Orthodox her entire life. She explains the Yiddish with Anna's maid job when she was first learning English, so their words became her words. (Also, it turned out we used them mostly wrong.) Mom's almost certainly right; of course she knew the woman and I never did. But I can't help wondering, if for only one reason-- Anna Sherba was my mother's mother's mother. So if she was Jewish, then under the law, so are we. So am I.

I know myself to be a white Christian. Though I acknowledge my background to be infintessimally nonwhite, I think it would be silly to consider myself as anything else. That part of me is extremely small and extremely distant from me, plus I see a pale face and Caucasian features when I look in the mirror. But it's fascinating to know it's there in my background-- that I'm a little more complex than meets the eye. And I'm a Christian in my bones. I've heard of people discovering their Jewish heritage and deciding to return to it, but I can't imagine why that alone would be enough to draw you. It certainly wouldn't compel me. But how strange to think that a fact in the past could possibly make something true, that, without its acknowledgement, seems like a fanciful impossibility. I could, technically, be a Jew. It doesn't change me... but it changes something.

Funny how these things work.

My resolutions

For the record, the list of things I have resolved myself to in the hopes of self-betterment:

- work out six days a week

- treat my face with cleanser and moisturizer every night

- take proper care of my skin

- stay hydrated

- use only reuseable shopping bags

- buy less meat

- maintain more than my self-mandated minimum in my savings account at all times

- stop biting my nails

- never wear schlubby clothes

- do not waste money on low-quality purchases

- reduce waste output

- plan meals and grocery trips in advance

- drive less and walk more

- consume minimal junk food

I will check my progress on this in a little while.

Addressing issues of ethnic makeup in The Stand

So I am working on my newest larp project, The Stand, and I am actually making a lot of progress. Trying to ride this wave of creativity while I can as far as I can. The Stand is a western, a cowboy game set very far north in California in the year 1848. One thing that came up for me recently in the writing process for this game is whether I have a realistic ethnic makeup among the characters in the cast. The group that it occurs to me that I am missing from my PC list is Chinese-American.

I'm kind of troubled by this. The immigrant Chinese made a huge contribution to early Californian history, and it's especially problematic to me because the non-white presence in the typical settings for cowboy stories is all too often ignored. Hell, at the time of my game, California had only just been annexed by the United States from Mexico. There were more than just white settlers out in cowboy land. And The Stand does have characters who are not only white but also Latino and American Indian, other peoples who did live in this part of northern Califonria in 1848.

But though I am interested in having that part of the history represented, I'm having a hard time finding a place for a Chinese presence. And I really hate forced political correctness. The ethnic characters I have already in the game I included because their inclusion felt natural to me. It makes sense to have, in a mid-nineteenth-century northern California frontier town, mostly white people with a smattering of those of Mexican or Native American extraction as well. I also have one black person because it makes a certain plotline possible. I'm just not really coming up with anything for this theoretical Chinese character to do. And I'm having a hard time envisioning any of the character I currently have as being Chinese instead.

And my game takes place right before the San Francisco gold rush. The railroad is still just an idea in the heads of some forward-thinking American businessmen and politicians. That means two big economic oppoturnities, gold mining and track laying, that drew the Chinese in large numbers to Califnoria have not really come into existence yet, especially not as far to the north of the territory as my setting is. It isn't really all unikely that at this time and place, there just wouldn't happen to be any Chinese immigrants.

So I am making the conscience decision now to not include a Chinese-American character in The Stand. I can't seem to find a place for one, I can't currently come up with a plotline for one, and I believe to say that there could reasonably not have been any present is not historically unjustifiable. I will not include a character that is not playable and well-rounded just for the sake of being politically correct. At the same time, I record this decision-making process here because I regret that I can't do something to portray a part of history that is so frequently omitted from storytelling. I do not do this out of ignorance, or of a desire to whitewash, but because I will not present compromised gameplay and story elements just to be racially diverse.

Stuff to work on

Since I'm feeling pretty good right now, I am settling my brain onto the various things I feel like I should work on in the near future.

I think it's time to get serious about looking for a different job. The one I've got now is perfectly pleasant and all, and they've been very nice to me here, but it's not really what I want to be doing and while the pay isn't bad, they don't give me as many hours as would take some of the pressure off the old budget. So I think it's time to try and find something more to my interest that pays a little better. I know it's a tough market out there, but I have recently just reached one full solid year of real work experience, and I know that it's usually easier to find a job once you have one and prove you could hold it down. So I'm a little hopeful. Ideally I'd like something in writing, editing, or publishing, so that's where I'm concentrating my search. I am not relishing the whole searching and applying process, but I've gotten a few applications out there and I am resolved to buckle down on this.

I really need to get writing again. It's been a while since I really did serious writing-- there was The Labor Wars, but that is finished now and I should keep myself busy. I certainly need to get cracking on my Intercon K bid, The Stand. I've actually made some progress on it recently that I'm very pleased with, but I don't want to lose momentum. Also, I should really work on some non-gaming stuff, something that I could actually maybe possibly someday take to a publisher and take a shot at the the hopeless pipe dream I'd really like to go after, being a professional writer. I have a lot of stuff started that has languished due to being busy with life, school, work, gaming, and stress, and a lot of it really wasn't half-bad. I am resolved to work on The Stand as well as a piece of literature that maybe I could someday get published.

Also, I want to continue the progress I've made on actually taking care of my health. I am not working out every day like I wanted to, but I am working out more frequently now than I was before. I have not been perfect about my skin care routine, but my acne is greatly reduced and my face looks clearer than it has in ages. I've also been drinking a lot more water. Since Jared's parents gave me this really nice metal water bottle, I've been carrying it around and actually drinking from it. The only downside is my body is still accustomed to being chronically on the edge of dehydration that it doesn't know what to do with all the extra water, and so I'm sent running to the bathroom every fifteen minutes. My eating habits are mostly okay, though this past week or so they were all thrown to hell. I'll have to get back on track with that. I've also decided that I'm going to have at least one day a week where I don't eat or buy any meat. This is more for environmental and pocketbook reasons than health, but I think it's a good small change to make.

The last thing is, I've been something of a recluse lately. My being extremely busy (between work, chores, and rehearsal, my life was gone) and feeling a bit low has kept me from doing much of anything with friends. I mean to rectify this. In the weeks to come, I want to have social events and do fun things with friends again. I know I certainly didn't have nearly as many dinner parties as I meant to this summer. Please don't think I have forgotten you all, it's just my way to withdraw when the stress mounts. But if I'm managing it better and working on improving the situations that cause it in other parts of my life, I should be able to get back to my old self again.

With all the stress I've felt lately, I think having some positive efforts to focus on will help me keep steady and eventually improve. The change will do me good.

Slutty clothes + slutty clothes = not-slutty outfit!

Okay, I just did something really cool-- at least, I think so. I was digging through my closet, trying to get my seasonally-appropriate stuff into the places of easiest access. In the course of digging I pulled out my "dress hanger," the large sturdy fancy hanger on which I hang my very few nice dresses. It holds the sparkly blue dress that I am grateful to Steph and Charlotte for convincing me to buy, the flame-orange dress that Frances wore in To Think of Nothing, and my black cocktail dress.

Just for fun I put on the cocktail dress just to admire how good it looks on me. What I like about it is that the front is simple and fairly modest, with a square neckline and a hem that ends a handsbreadth above my knees, but it is backless to my tailbone, with just two thin strings stretching across that bare expanse. I have always found backless styles to be the epitome of sexiness, and that works for me, since I have, if you'll excuse my saying, a very sexy back. I started thinking to myself what a shame it was that I don't often get a chance to wear it.

Then something occurred to me. On a whim, I dug out my new red blouse with the very low neckline that I just got at the Garment District and pulled it on over the dress. My reflection pleased me to no end. Each piece is lovely, in my opinion, on its own. But how many occasions do I have to wear a cocktail dress or a plunging neckline? But together, the blouse and the dress made each other more appropriate for regular wear. The blouse covered the open back of the dress, and the dress filled in the empty neckline of the blouse. And low and behold, they look very cute together! I am so pleased with myself for discovering this. Who would have imagined that two slutty articles of clothing when worn together make for a non-slutty outfit! I may prefer the look of a little more skin, but when that's not possible, now I have an adorable dressy option that isn't quite so daring! Yay!

Self-care progress report

One of my goals for the summer has been to work at taking better physical care of myself. It has been tough keeping up healthy habits when feeling so drained, so overwhelmed, and so depressed as I frequently have. So I have been taking advantage of having more free time to devote some of it to establishing healthier habits in the hopes of easing some of that bad feeling. Here's how that has been going so far.

Nutrition:
For a long time being busy and weary kept me buying easily accessible junk food. I am blaming the extra weight around my midsection to the frequent lunches I made out of a block of gruyere and a sleeve of Ritz crackers. I am working much harder to cook for myself on a regular basis, rather than just when I have dinner parties. In fact, my next week-long challenge to myself may be to prepare all meals at home. I have started making myself simple four-ingredient salads for lunches and sometimes dinners, which I am finding a lot more satisfying than I thought I would. I've also started trying to make a habit out of having breakfast by buying yogurts in bulk and keeping them in the fridge at work. Coke remains my lingering indulgence; it may be wiser to just cut it out.

Verdict: Much better, but not totally there yet.

Sleep:
Tough to say. Recently I've had a lot of problems sleeping through the night, leaving me not feeling rested in the mornings and crashing into bed stupid-early at night. I've experienced some small improvement not waking up during the night, perhaps because of the better eating and exercising. I'd like to be able to stay up a little later at night-- Jared and I have a deal that I'll try to stay up later and he'll try to go to bed earlier to mesh our schedules more --while still getting a full night's sleep. I think since I haven't been waking up so much I've been better able to get up and haven't felt so badly-rested, but it's still not perfect.

Verdict: somewhat better, and every little bit helps.

Skin:
Ah, in this department things have gotten better lots and gotten better fast. I switched to a nightly apricot facial scrub and an oil-free moisturizer, and my facial skin is doing better than it has in ages; I am looking so much clearer and more even-toned. I still have a lot of micro-zits on my forehead (tiny little acne bumps that are tough to see except up close) but as I said, I have also been taking care to moisturize the rest of my skin, and I was shocked at how quickly it got so soft. On my legs, it even makes it so I have to shave less often before the hair is visible. I also was trying to keep my nails in better condition, and I was mostly succeeding until the intensity of Labor Wars

Verdict: vast, immediate improvement.

Fitness:
This is the category that I have made the least progress in. My goal is to do either an abdominal or a cardio workout six days a week, and for a couple of weeks I was pretty good about it. Then this past week game, with all the gaming and the preparation for Labor Wars, and it went to hell. I don't feel like I've lost any weight yet, which disappoints me; I really want to sleek my tummy back out. I just got to buckle back down. It's a tough habit for me to get in because I don't enjoy it at all, except for the shape it gives me. But until I do this regularly for a reasonable period of time, I am not going to get rid of this little pooch on my gut.

Verdict: disappointing, must establish good habits for extended period of time.

So, small improvement, not enough to satisfy me yet. The only thing to do is keep with it, because that's the only way I'll get the results I want.

Two weeks until Labor Wars!

At last the hives have abated. The antihistimine I took seemed to clear things up within a few hours, and I managed to actually not rend every last shred of dermis from my body in the interim. Here's hoping this is the end of it. In the meantime I'm going to be avoiding acorn squash, just to be on the safe side.

Yesterday was a very good day. Yesterday marked the first day I fully incorporated every step of my new summer self-care routine, including genuine intense exercise, proper nutrition, proper hydration, and skin care. My not feeling so great emotionally lately has led to my not taking very good care of myself, which leads to my not feeling so great physically, which in turn makes me feel worse emotionally. This is my effort to end that cycle, and though it's certainly going to require a lot of work on my part to break out of this inertia I've been buried in, I felt pretty damn good after accomplishing it yesterday. One day at a time, I suppose.

Had an excellent Labor Wars meeting last night. We are down to the final two weeks or so before the game debuts, and we are, in my opinion, in very good shape. We finalized a few more public pieces of information last night, as well as figured out some important mechanics, made both an in-game and out-of-game schedule, and made some plans for the dinner that we'll be serving Saturday night. I always wanted to put on a game that had a dinner served within it! I am excited to help emp42ress* with the cooking. I feel like we're in a really good place with where we are with this game, so I have every hope that the inaugural run will go well.

Wretched hives of scum and villainy

I have hives. Wait, no, that's not right. I don't just "have hives." I have all the hives. Every hive, that ever hove, in all the world, I have somewhere on my body right now.

Sunday morning I woke up with a scattering of them on my thighs. They were kind of itchy but not too bad, so I just kind of forgot about them. But around the time we were cooking dinner, they just started to spread everywhere. At bedtime Jared gave me an antihistimine and I slathered myself in anti-itch lotion, which helped me fall asleep. In the morning on Monday I was hive-free, and thought that was the end of it. But by Tuesday afternoon they exploded all over me again, and they persist now even on Wednesday morning. They itch like crazy, and it's really tough to not just tear all my skin off trying to scratch.

I'm not the kind of person who often gets hives, especially not covering the entirety of my body, so I'm a wee bit concerned that something is off here. I stopped by the drugstore on my way to work this morning to buy more antihistimine and took one just now, so hopefully that will eventually put an end to it. If this keeps up, people tell me I should see a doctor. Well, I've been meaning to anyway, if not for this reason, so I guess that's something pushing me to get it done.

I am trying to trace the source, though most cases of hives are idiopathic so I probably don't have much of a shot. I recently used different laundry detergent (people moving out of their dorms donated various kinds to Elsinore), but I've done several loads already before now with no ill effects. I switched to a new shampoo, but again I'd used it a few times by the point of the first outbreak, and I certainly haven't used it between the first and the second one. The only other possibility I can think of is the acorn squash we made for Sunday dinner. Though I didn't handle the squash much during the preparation, I did a little, and it was around cooking time when I first noticed the hives getting bad. They really exploded during the meal when I was actually eating it. And then I was fine on Monday when I didn't have any of it, but when I finished off the leftovers yesterday they resurged with a vengeance.

So maybe that's it. That still doesn't explain the scattering of hives I woke up with Sunday morning, way before I'd had anything to do with the squash, and I've had acorn squash before with no allergic reaction, so I don't know. I just want to know what the hell to avoid, because I look like a tomato patch over here. A tomato patch being eating alive by stinging insects. :-P

Girly evening

With the boys off at a poker game tonight, I spent my evening to myself being the most abject fifties stereotype of a woman that I could possibly be. First I handwashed some delicate laundry items and threw the rest in the washing machine. Then I settled in to give myself a home pedicure, nothing fancy or complicated, just a nice soak in hot water with some fizzy bath salts, a scrub, and some shea butter lotion. It is a nice, if temporary, way to deal with my pain issues. Then I put lotion all over my legs and arms while I waited for the dryer to finish.

I've always wanted to be able to have a routine for taking care of my skin, but I've never been able to figure out what might be good for me. I've always been prone to acne and I hate it, but Ive never managed to find some treatment that actually worked. I tried Proactiv for a long time, but it never seemed to have any connection to whether my skin got better or worse. Since I quit using it in a rage I've been a lot clearer, but I'm afraid to use anything on my face now for fear of messing that up. I'd like to find a moisturizer with sunscreen in it, as those contribute a lot to skin health and wrinkle prevention, but I'm terrified that picking the wrong one will make the acne come back. Maybe if I do get to see a doctor I'll ask to get to see a dermotologist.

All hail Armando, dread conqueror of the forehead

Stressy-stressy. On top of everything else, had lots of work stress earlier this week and a giant zip has exploded out of my head. It's so big it's practically giving me neck strain holding the damn thing up. I am naming it Armando. You see, when the thing is STARING YOU IN THE FACE next time you see me, DEMANDING THAT YOU ACKNOWLEDGE ITS DOMINION OVER MY FOREHEAD, it will only be polite that you have a name by which to address it.

In non-facial-conquest news, I'm working on preparing for the audtion for Love's Labor's Lost I am going to on Tuesday. I'm never sure when bringing a theatrical resume to an audition displays you as professional or as pretensious. I realized I hadn't updated mine with Romeo and Juliet or To Think of Nothing, so I decided to do that, but I'm not sure I should bring one to the next audition I'm going to. On one hand, it can look like a gesture of professionalism and respect to the person you're auditioning for. On the other hand, it can make you look like you think entirely too much of yourself as an ACK-TOR.

Speaking of which, if you'd like to stage manage a Shakespeare show this summer, the production I'm auditioning for is still in need of one. Let me know if you're interested, and I'll put you in touch with Shelby Bleweis, the very cool director, and an HTP alum!

Lightheaded rambling about my face and hair

Just took a shower so scaldingly hot I feel lightheaded. The shower at Elsinore normally never gets very hot at all, so I'm a little surprised. Maybe it just hasn't been used very much since the water warning went into effect and that's what it can do when it's not depleted. At least it temporarily cleared out my packed sinuses.

My hair is getting blah again. I probably need a haircut again. Sigh. It feels like my cuts don't last very long at all, but the most recent one was the day of the To Think of Nothing read through in the middle of January, which isn't really all that recent. I should probably just go to the salon more often, probably every two to three month at best, but my haircuts are expensive enough that I can't really afford to.

And I never feel like I condition it all that well. It's tough to specifically get the ends the way I'm supposed to, which on me split and roughen the longer they get. And then it looks flat and awful. Blah.

And I touch my face too much. I always have. I don't know why; maybe as a comfort mechanism, maybe as a nervous habit-- like I'm trying to "fix" my features and make them acceptable to look at. Every book and expert will tell you it's unhealthy for your face skin to touch it too much. Maybe that's why I'm such a pizza face. And I'm a compulsive nailbiter, so my fingers are always in my mouth. It's a wonder I'm not sick every minute of my life.

Gah. I feel funny. I should drink something. And stop touching my face with my grubby little fingers.

Feminist rant on appearence reactions

I recently read an article about women's fear of dressing "sexy" because they're afraid of not being respected and being viewed as inappropriate. And I gotta say, some of the thoughts really irked my feminist anxieties.

First of all, I thought the article did a poor job of defining what it meant by "sexy." Do we mean "looking really good such that people think we're hot?" Do we mean "showing a lot of skin?" Do we mean "with the intent to elicit a sexual reaction?" Because in my opinion, those things are very different, and while there may be some overlap, I do not believe there always is.

I always aim to look attractive, both to my own standard, to general opinion, and to the opposite sex. So I would say I always try to "look hot"-- I want people to think I'm hot. I don't think any woman should be at fault for that; who doesn't want to look good, even attractive, as they define it? Maybe it's going a little too far if you're trying to get any real, immediate sexual reaction out of people in a context where that is not appropriate. But I honestly I think you'd have to go pretty extreme in how you're dressing in order to get a lot of that. And I feel like that extremity makes it is pretty easy to identify when that intent is present.

honestly, I don't really agree with the notion that skin automatically is about eliciting sexual reaction. I'm sure all of you know by now that I like showing skin. I think there's a degree of it that people are not such animals as to be totally revved up about when they see it. Being small-busted, necklines have to be pretty damn low in order to seem even vaguely provocative on me. I do tend to show my midriff a lot, at least the little strip of it between my waistband and the hem of my shirt. Is my typical inch-wide band of skin there really anything more than a fun and cute little touch? I think it looks hot, sure, but as I said, there's a difference between looking hot and actually looking like you're trolling for arousal.

Now, make no mistake, I'm not saying every look is appropriate for every situation. And sure, there's a limit of when some is too much. Save the plunging decolletages, the belt skirts, and the crop tops for having fun with, not anywhere that sort of thing would be inappropriately provocative. Though honestly I don't find any of my dressing habits to be that extreme, even I tone it down a little for, say, going to work. I've thrown on camisoles under low necklines and buttoned a few more buttons than I might otherwise. But I really don't see anything wrong with showing a moderate bit of skin. My workplace isn't all that conservative about dress, and if there's a different standard at yours, you should of course observe it. Heh, when I asked about the dress code when I first came to work there, literally the answer I got was, "Uh... no mirco-minis?" Well, okay, then. I've never heard a word about my belly, and I can't remember any serious context in which I felt less respected due to how much skin I was showing.

Maybe it's just that I have never felt terribly bothered by objectification. I've only felt I was being objectified a handful of times in my life, and I found these occasions to be moronic rather than hurtful. I know I'm not an object-- nobody has the power to actually turn me into one, regardless of how they see me. Yes, I am very pretty, thanks for noticing. I'm sorry that you're too much of a moron to realize that I'm smart too. Perhaps it might have been different if the objectification ever came from anyone with any power over me-- a boss, for example --to make consequences come of their reduction of me to object status, but in general, I find it to be that person's problem, not mine. As I said-- I'm not an object, and even if they treat me that way, nobody on earth has the power to make me into one.

And that brings me to another point-- these days, are men in general inclined to that kind of behavior? It's not the fucking fifties anymore, people. Maybe I've just had unusually fortunate experience, but I have found most men I've interacted with have internalized the notion that women are more than just pretty sexy things. That a woman dressing pretty, even sexy, does not automatically negate the possibility that she's got a lot going on upstairs as well.

I feel like this is predicated on a pretty offensive assumption about men as hyper-sexual beasts such that an attractive girl showing a little more skin than usual equals an automatic horny reaction that blots out all thought of that girl being a human being. Yuck. So sexist, so unfair, and I pray to God, so inaccurate. Do people really see men as lust-landmines that are going to explode with inappropriate behavior the minute something they find sexy sets them off? How patronizing! They're not animals, for Christ's sake. And if there ARE actually men like that, whose attraction to a woman cancels out any regard for her intellect or personhood, those men are creepy and fucked up and THEY are the problem and the ones that need to shape up, not the woman they're reacting to.

And I gotta say, I really hate this panic-reaction so many women have about, "OMG, he thinks I'm hot, now he won't respect me as a person!" Oh, get over yourself. WHY is it assumed that respect and attraction can't coexist? That being sexy and being smart mutually exclude one another? I find that not only insulting to men, but to women as well! Women can either be seen as respectable and capable, OR attractive and sexy? Screw that! I am a beautiful, smoking-hot woman who acts, directs, cooks, designs, organizes, and writes everything from larps to plays to poetry! Don't you forget for a minute that I've got beauty AND brains!

Is an inch-wide band of skin that I think is cute going to light the fires of brain-consuming lust? Nuh-uh. Is my being seen as a sexy woman negate the truth that I am also an intelligent and capable one? No on your life! And while yeah, it's important to hold men to a proper standard, we need to not turn them into the enemy when they don't deserve it.

And that's today's feminist rant. Your thoughts?

Incomprehensible skin

God, my skin makes no sense to me. It seems to have become rather clear lately, despite the fact that I haven't been diligent with my acne wash recently. It could be that stuff just isn't good for me, but it seems like my skin gets better or worse randomly, regardless of the treatment or lack thereof it is recieving. I kind of want to just go to a dermetologist and say "What does my skin need to get clear?" and then actually know what the problem is the and the right way to deal with it. The trouble is that the insurance I'm on is kind of in flux lately, and I don't really have the extra cash to cover a visit on my own. Still, it might be worth looking into to see if I can actually do it.

Taking stock

Now that I've reached a sort of resting point, I thought I'd take stock of where I am right now and see where things stands.

Health and Body:
Not bad, probably could be feeling better. Just getting over a cold involving hacking and body aches and a general feeling of exhaustion brought on by being so busy. Haven't been eating as well as I should be, as I've mostly just been grabbing things as I go, and I haven't had time for my regular exercise routine in some time. Don't think there have been any weight effects yet, but I'm concerned. Mostly just feel a little bit off.

Relationships:
I love deeply and passionately, and so I am loved in return. Things brings me great joy and all the accompanying responsibilities and complications. :-) Jared and I are doing well, though it isn't always easy to balance how busy we are with spending quality time together. It occurs to me that we have been together for nearly three years now. :-) I have a great deal of good friends whose company I enjoy and look forward to enjoying more of. I fear I may have recently lost a friendship, which I am sad about, but honestly if that's the way it must be I can handle it. I am on good terms with my parents, as I pretty much always have been, though I worry for them for various troubles they're facing. Other significant relationships I manage as best and as honorably as I can.


Work and Finances:
I am currently employed at the educational non-profit Educational Development Center in Newton. It's not my ideal position, but it's nice for my first out-of-college job to be contributing to a worthy cause like improving education rather than something pointless. The pay is decent but I don't get many hours as I am still only part-time. I also have a lot of downtime to work on my own projects, which I confess I enjoy. :-)

Also, for the first time I am truly financially independent of my parents. This is a point of pride for me, since they've always been generous with their support and since I'm really not making much money. Things are a bit tight, and I'm still new to this worrying about money thing, so sometimes the stress really gets to me. I'm still working on figuring out how to keep things within reason without stressing constantly over it. Still, I seem to be managing.

Education:
Not currently attending school but I am considering going to grad school in the near future. Not exactly sure for what, or where, but for something related to English certainly. I just took the GRE and did pretty well, which is quite a load off my mind. I am currently doing research and trying to figure out what it is I want.

Vanity:
Looking pretty good lately, though I have my concerns. I've been making an effort lately to dress stylishly at all times lately, including coordinating my accessories (scarf and gloves, belt and shoes, jewelry, etc) and trying to have lots of nice basics like boots and coats, avoiding anything that looks schlubby. Mentioned I'm afraid my lousy diet may lead to weight gain, but hasn't yet. Really should try to work out again when I'm home for Thanksgiving. Oddly enough, despite the stress and the falling off my acne treatment routine, my skin is clearer than it's been in ages, which pleases me. Maybe that stuff I've been using just isn't good for me. Also, in pretty dire need of getting my hair done since it's gotten so long, but not sure it's in the budget at the moment.

Art and Creative Pursuits:
Feeling pretty fulfilled here. Just had some excellent runs of the games I've written, which made me very proud. Am currently working on The Labor Wars with AE Games and considering which of my own larp writing projects to focus on next. Torn between the Clue idea and trying to develop the Peter Pan idea. Also, I have just cast my one-act play To Think of Nothing, which I will be co-directing for Hold Thy Peace. This is very exciting, and I have all of winter break to prepare for it.

The Verdict:
Things are pretty good right now and I have a lot to be thankful for. There remain certain stressors that I don't want to get into detail about that unfortunately have a tendency to drag me down regardless of how I'm feeling about everything else. But it's good to know that I've got a lot going for me, and that not everything is a struggle.

Day two of tech

Day two of build in Shapiro Theater has come and gone. After a quick lunch with Jared at two o'clock yesterday I went over to the theater to see if there was anything to be done, and screwed a few things together and helped a little to figure out how to make the stairs. Honestly it feels like we're about a day behind, and I just can't stay till four in the morning now, but we've got basically all the pieces constructed. When I left they needed painting, and the staircase had to be finished and put together. I'm planning on going in early because I can't stay late at around three o'clock this afternoon to see if I can't contribute more then.

I look rough. I've not been sleeping well, as is typical of tech week, and the work has really taken a toll on my skin. My hands feel like sandpaper, and with all the concentration on build and using the tools right I've taken to biting my lip, leaving it dry and torn up. The weather right now isn't helping with this. I think when I get home I'm going to take an extremely hot shower and put myself back together a little, not to mention find a nice soothing gallon of lip balm. Maybe that'll help me get back to feeling, and looking, normal.

Acne cow

Severely depressed by the state of my acne this morning. It seems like no matter what I do, no matter how carefully I use my supposedly top-of-the-line miracle-working Proactiv, a pizza face I am and a pizza face I seem to ever remain. I know, I know, I'm shallow and with no sense of perspective. People with real problems I'm sure are simply falling all over themselves with sympathy for me. *eye roll.* Even my mother, my gorgeous, practically perfect mother, who was a size two well into her fifties, all her life had but one real flaw in her appearence and it was epically bad skin. Guess I inherited more than just pleasant features from her. Also, count your blessings, Phoebe, you ungrateful cow-- isn't it enough to be pretty and thin, you need to have perfect skin too?

Now I'm kind of disgusted with myself. I still fucking hate my acne, though. I'm vain, shallow, and encrusted with boils. Feeling great about myself now.

Rough night

Didn't have the best start to this day, and it seems to have thrown off for everything that's followed. I woke up very early in the morning after an utterly inoffensive dream (I think it was something about working on a project with a dinosaur and another coworker who was slightly prejudiced against dinosaurs-- my psyche is strange) to a rush of half-conscious worry about all the stressful things in my life right now, leaving me depressed and unable to get back to sleep until what seemed like just a few minutes before my alarm went off. By then it was already raining outside and the inside of my bedroom was freezing, making the process of hauling myself out of bed all the more difficult and uncomfortable. Getting ready was a chore, and the new acne medication I'm adding to my routine-- my stupid blemishes are getting absolutely ridiculous --made my face look sickly and pallid. To top it all off, there's a muscle high in the back of my thigh that started twitching yesterday evening and hasn't stopped since.

All of this amounts to me feeling very much off my game and not quite up to handling anything more complicated than zoning out in front of Frasier on YouTube. Unfortunately I've been so busy with my packed schedule lately that I can't really afford to not be on top of things. At least not many people come into my office when it rains (I'm being totally serious, you should see the parking lot on rainy days) so I don't think I should have any trouble getting the work done for the handful of coworkers around today. Other than that, I think I'm going to make myself a to do list to get my muzzy head a little straighter about all the stuff I need to get done.

*Sigh* You'd think that, for me, having a dream with a dinosaur in it would make for a good way to begin the day. Dinosaurs are awesome; they should not be harbingers of forboding.

Stress-reducing frivolity

Still furious. Oh, gentle Jesus, still furious.

 

Have been undertaking efforts toward physical self-improvement. Shallow, perhaps, I should probably be campaigning for emotional or mental self-improvement as a more productive use of my time, but it's quite effective as stress management and that's kind of what I need right now. I've been somewhat stressed out in general recently, and what with a recent jag of frankly blinding rage over a recent occurence, I am a little concerned about falling into my usual response pattern of not eating, not sleeping, and biting the hell out of my nails. So instead, I am making a concentrated effort to take care of myself. I am actually making marked progress toward a healthier and better-looking me, which pleases me and in turn mellows me out-- at least, in general, if not in this very, still rage-blinded instant.

• I have been working out every day, and believe I'm seeing a difference
• I have been eating healthfully and on a regular basis
• I have been drinking more water to remedy my tendency toward chronic dehydration
• I got my hair cut, which it drastically needed, and now it looks fantastic
• I have been treated my acne regularly, and it's actually clearing up a little
• I have been taking care of my skin so that it's soft and smooth
• I have avoided biting my nails, and they actually look nice right now

I'm thinking of adding stretching to increase my knee flexibility, using lip balm on a regular basis, and nailing down an early-to-bed-early-to-rise sleep routine. I should probably add drink fewer truckloads of aspertame-laden diet Snapple and watch fewer hours of mindless television, but let's stick to achieveable goals.

Winter break at home

Packing up and getting ready to head home. Casey went to pick up his friend in Boston who will be catching a ride in our car. I am cleaning up the room and putting fresh sheets on the bed so I can come back to everything just right.

I am planning on spending this break accomplishing things. I am going to watch what I eat and work out. I am going to work on my various larp projects, specifically Oz, my next solo piece, Men of Respect with Jared, and the Paranoia game with Bernie, Mac, and Joe. I am going to learn to cook more dishes. I am going to take proper care of my skin. I might even start looking for a post-graduation job.

This is a tall order, and will take discipline to not just be a lazy-ass, as is my inclination. But I have faith in myself.