Thursday, December 31, 2009

Wardrobe evaluation

Because I just wrote a post that was meditative and deep, being me, I have to follow it up with one that is completely shallow. I have recently discovered an interesting style blog called Wardrobe Oxygen that is interesting and informative as the writer takes the approach that a little knowhow and taste can make anyone of any body type look fantastic, and you don't need to spend a ton on clothes to put together a great look. I especially liked her article Staples for Every Woman's Wardrobe, which tells you what basics you should have to optimize your closet for the most use and best look. As I am endeavoring to learn how to dress better and look more put together, I am evaluating my own wardrobe against this list and seeing what I need to look into.

I don't have a tailored black suit. It's probably a good idea, but I've never been a big fan of suits for myself. Maybe a tailored one would be flattering, but I'm afraid it would negatively emphasize my petiteness and make me look like a kid playing dressup. Anyway that's not in the budget at the moment, and I have things that could sub in for this in most appropriate situations.

I don't have a decent pair of black dress slacks. The one I do have, to give you a frame of reference, was most recently worn in the service of making me look like a man-- they're slightly too big and do not flatter my shape in any way. This is something worth looking into; could come in handy in so many contexts. I do have a black dress skirt-- short enough to be interesting, but still professional-looking and dressy --but the fabric's getting a bit nappy and it's close to wearing out, so I should probably look into replacing it.

I have nice jeans. I have lots of nice jeans. I am Lucky Brand's zombie slave, because they're gorgeous and so flattering. At the moment, I have seven pairs of undamaged nice jeans and two more that are ripped but still look good and are wearable. I love them so much, and when left to my own devices don't usually wear anything else. Basically, I am set for jeans until I get fat. :-)

I have black heeled boots. They're new, too, and lovely, though they're my rain boots they are such beautiful elegant leather they can be worn as dress shoes. My calves just a bit too narrow for the shafts of the boots, but other than that they're fantastic.

I don't exactly have black pumps. I have black high-heeled sandals that I've had forever and are sexy and I love, and with stockings they are totally dressy enough. But as long as I've had them they're getting a little worn, so maybe I should look into replacing them.

I have several little black dresses, since I think they're just about the greatest things ever. I have a party dress suitable for many kinds of occasions, a cocktail dress that's sexy but elegant, and a club dress that looks painted on. :-) To be honest, the party dress is nice but I don't love it, as it's got an empire waist and the loose skirt doesn't particularly flatter my narrow shape. I wonder if I could belt it with something to give me a little more definition. The others serve their purpose admirably. :-D

I have silver earrings. I love simple elegant real precious metal earrings, and wear them with pretty much any outfit. Nice jewelry gets me every time.

I have a signature accessory-- that would be my lovely anniversary necklace that I wear almost every day. Elegant and simple, its white gold and diamonds go with everything, and it's probably my favorite thing that I own.

I don't exactly have a black or gray merino V-neck sweater, but I have similar. Since getting a job and especially since the turn into winter, I wear a lot of sweaters these days because they're a simple way to look put together and still be warm. Also, I love merino, a special kind of wool; it's gorgeous, soft, wears well, and looks way more expensive than it is. Can never have too much merino.

I have many trendy skirts. Most of my skirts are very short, (the plaid schoolgirl, the brown denim, the layered white, the tan suede) but I have several cute and versatile ones, and at least one nice long one, red with a black and white butterfly motif. Might be worth it to have more longs, just to give dressing up options.

I have a couple of trendy jackets-- tan suede, green cuorderoy, black velour, and they're not difficult to matchto clothes and shoes. I've even got a red blazer and a gray one in a pinch. I'm a fan of nice jackets.

I'm... not certain if I have a good evening top. I have a fantastic silky red blouse (the only really nice thing I ever got at New York and Company, the downscale Express) but it's a little formal. Hmm... not sure what qualifies for this, but I feel like I've got to have something pretty and hot that I could throw on for a party or under a jacket for going out.

I have found the perfect T. I love Mossimo's v-neck form-fitting shirts in all their lovely colors. I have three right now, in pink, purple, and green. I really should pick up more of these, they're so versatile and nice.

I have a couple well-fitting wool winter coats. One is the thigh-length green one that was my costume for playing bronzite's NPC (very kind of him to let me keep it) and one is the calf-length black one that used to be my mothers. My desire to dress better lately has lead me to favor these kinds of coats, as they're so much nicer-looking than my hated Gortex Scourge of Winter ski jacket. Also, they're easily to pair with a matching scarf-and-gloves set to dress them up.

I have great-fitting bras and no-visible-panty-line underwear. I have to; being a little on the small side up top, my rack benefits greatly from proper display. Also, there's nothing tackier than visible panty lines, and I am a lady.

I have recently discovered the wonders of pashmina. I have a couple, but the more colors you have, the more outfits you can coordinate them with. They are warm as well as beautiful.

I do not have a clutch purse. While I agree that one's everyday bag should not be carried to formal occasions, I don't exactly attend a whole lot of formal occasions and thus don't have much need for them. Still, if ever I do, I should probably look into it.

I have nice everday bags, both leather and quite handsome. I still hate having to carry one these days, but if I've got to by God I'm going to like them. The small one has a shoulder strap that can be separated by unzipping it into backpack straps, and the larger one is a shoulder bag and buttery-soft. I kind of wish I had a black one, as both of them are brown and don't always match what I'm wearing.

I have sexy shoes, and boots as well. I don't wear them as often as I'd like to, as my feet wear out very quickly, but heels are sexy and fun and a great way to dress up an outfit.

I have sunglasses. They're prescription as I don't wear contacts, but they're a bit stronger than my regular eyeglasses they sometimes give me a headache. That leads to me not wearing them as often as may be healthy for my eyes.

Wow, looking over this list, I'm in better shape than I thought I would be. Still, next time I plan to shop for clothes, I should probably keep the gaps here in mind.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Jared's 22nd

Today is Jared's twenty-second birthday. Much love and joy to the one who brings me love and joy.

Happy birthday, dear.

The loving-yourself theory (aka Roberts's Theory of Human Behavior #1)

One of the theories I have developed about people in the last few years and have come to passionately believe is that you cannot love others if you don't first love yourself.

People tend to view love as a feeling, and of course it is, a powerful and important feeling that does a great deal to move us. But perhaps more significantly it is an act; real love comes from the extension of the self for another. That's the hard part, and the part that demands the most from us. Love the feeling is infinite; love the act, requiring effort and time, is not. It's a big job for one human being to do all the acts of love that are necessary to interacting with our fellow men, even the ones who are precious to us.

Everyone of course needs love; there is an emptiness inside us that can only be filled by love. While we naturally want it from other people, part of it must come from ourselves or we are not complete, not truly fulfilled. Everyone knows someone who is a lovely, well-liked person for whom despite the love of others still cannot escape the unhappiness of not loving themselves. That, I believe, is the thing most often responsible for selfishness, unkindness, and absence of the acts of love.

No matter how much one dislikes oneself, it is only human nature to struggle to reach some state of peace and contentment with the person one is; it is very rare for someone, whether consciously or not, to make no effort to bring themselves to a point where they can like themselves. People with chronic self-esteem problems have a constant emptiness that they will always be trying to fill. But if you are constantly having to throw your love into your own empty pit, the effort of taking care of your own bad feelings about yourself detracts from any effort you have for acts of love toward anyone else.

Sometimes you take out your bad feelings on others, or you begin resenting those that have what you feel you don't. Also, it makes you profoundly self-centered, inclined only to what you want and not what's good for the people around you, if only because you don't have the thought (which, yes, is an effort in and of itself) to spare for the people around you. The result in any case is that you do not do the acts that you should to love the people in your life.

I see this tendency in myself. Normally I have pretty damn good self-esteem, often, as I'm sure some would heartily agree, a little too much. But even I get self-disliking sometimes, and when I do, God knows it's tough to expend the effort on other people when I don't feel good about myself. I get self-absorbed, which leads to being unkind to the people around me.

You have to love yourself. You have to believe you are a worthwhile, meaningful human being with something good to contribute to the world. You have to believe you are strong enough, good enough, and valuable enough that it is important for you to commit your acts of love. If you don't... you won't do them. You won't give because you feel you have nothing to give. You won't think about others because self-dislike absorbs you too much in yourself.

I am trying to remember this to forgive people who I see acting badly, and to help get passed this tendency in myself.

Monday, December 28, 2009

Crisis averted! ;-)

For all those of you who have had to listen to me bitch about it, you may rest easy now-- since this Christmas, I now have a brown belt to match my brown shoes. And my brown bag, too!

Wardrobe crisis averted!

;-)

Back from Christmas vacation

And now I have returned from my Christmas vacation at home. Yesterday's trip was the first time I ever made the long drive from Allentown, Pennsylvania back up to Boston; usually my brother handles the driving, but he wasn't coming back yet and so couldn't come with me. I'm kind of proud of myself, given I've never driven anywhere that far and I kind of, you know, despise driving. :-) But Constantine and I have made it safely back. I probably drove a little faster than I should have, but the trip was five and a half hours as it was, to say nothing of what it might have been if I'd gone slower.

The trip was made immensely more pleasant by the Sherlock Holmes audiobook I listened to on the way. All stories I was already very familiar with, but I always enjoy them. My interest has been reawakened by the new movie that has just come out, and tonight I will be seeing the film with bronzite*. It will be lovely to spend time with him again. I am a longtime Sherlock Holmes fan, but I must take care to remind myself that one must not be too married to one's perception of the literature when seeing it transferred to film.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

If I were my mother

Something occurs to me.

Given ages, dates, and times... If I were my mother, I'd be getting married tomorrow.

Wow.

Friday, December 25, 2009

Burn Notice - Episode Guide - 1.01 - Blacklisted

Donovan Easton is an American covert operative. Recently, though, it seems that all of his operations have been thwarted by a something he is unaware of at everyturn His enemies seem to know things about his plans that they should not be able to know. Unable to continue his work under these circumstances, he decides that he has to find out who or what is secretly working against him.

His search leads him to the opulent beachfront home of drug cartel boss Fernando Ramirez in Cuba, who he believes may have some information. But just as they are getting down to business, two black helicopters descend on the house and spill out a host of NSA agents demanding that the traitor Donovan Easton surrender to their custody. When he refuses, the soldiers attack. Ramirez thinks he has just been set up, and orders his own men after Donovan as well.

Donovan escapes the house and is chased by the agents, who to his shock and horror are shooting to kill. He fends off as many as he can as he makes his way toward the nearest airport. When he tries to contact his handlers, he is either disconnected or informed that he won’t get away with what he did. After finally shooting down one helicopter and disabling the other, he finally reaches the airport. Stealing the identity of a passenger, he boards the first plane he can get on, and passes out from his injuries when it reaches altitude.

Meanwhile, in Miami, retired Navy SEAL Bruce Garrick is having drinks with his friend Wilbur from the CIA, who asks him if he’s heard about the death of his old friend Donovan Easton. He says Donovan was found to be selling secrets and was declared a traitor. But the strangest thing is that there was no record of a trial for his crimes; he seemed to have been summarily executed, and no one has been able to trace who gave the order. Bruce leaves the meeting sadly, wondering what Donovan got himself into.

Soon, though, he is called to a hospital downtown as the emergency contact they have of a patient who was passed out injured on a flight to Cuba. Though he doesn’t recognize the name, he decides to go see what’s up. He is surprised to find Donovan unconscious in the hospital bed.

Bruce fills Donovan in on what he heard about his situation, while he tells Bruce what happened to him in Cuba. They conclude that Donovan has been framed, leading to his blacklist, his attempted execution, and the presumption of his death. Bruce lets him crash at his place for the moment, and in the meantime calls Donovan’s brother Lucas to let him know he’s back in town. Lucas is thrilled to hear it, and invites them all over to dinner later that week. Though Donovan intends to look into his blacklist immediately, Bruce knows he is without resources or any of his old connections, and offers him a job working with him at his new freelance business, a combination of private investigations and operations-for-hire. Donovan knows he needs the money, so he agrees to lend his services to the next job.

Shortly thereafter Donovan decides he needs to buy new weapons, and seeks out a local gun dealer with a meeting arranged by Uncle Enzo, a local Mafia don Bruce knows. The dealer, Bailey Monroe, brought along some protection for the meeting, and Donovan and Bruce find themselves on the wrong end of a gun belonging to their old friend Gwendolyn Reese, an ex-IRA guerilla and jack of all artistic trades. She is delighted to reunite with them, and apologizes for the damage she did.

Gwen and Bruce pile Donovan into the car and refuse to tell him where he is going. He is upset to discover that he has been brought to his brother Lucas’s house, the family golden boy. Bruce and Gwen drag him inside, and is forced to make nice to the family he has been avoiding for the last ten years. Lucas and his wife Diane try to make friendly conversation about his life, but he is resistant, though his eleven-year-old niece Olivia and eight-year-old nephew Chase really take to him and to his friends. Lucas resigns himself to being unable to make a connection with his brother, but asks him to stay with them at their house until he gets back on his feet. Finally, before the evening ends, he asks Donovan to please call their mother, whom he has not spoken to since the funeral of their father. Donovan takes the guest room, but sneaks out the window as soon as the lights go out.

The next day they are scheduled to meet with a client Bruce has arranged, a young man by the name of Ari Rosen.

To be continued in Episode 1.02 - Just For Now

My merry Christmas

Well, after a rough start to the Christmas holiday-- recieved some bad news of a similar nature to that which I got around New Years time last year, which my family will have to deal with --things actually went pretty well. My mother decided we were going to do a traditional Italian seven-fish Christmas Eve, so we spent most of yesterday cooking. It makes for nice family time, everyone working together in the kitchen. We made fried haddock, fried smelts, crabcakes, shrimp, smoked salmon, my mom's famous lobster bisque, and a fantastic squid ink pasta with calamari, two of those recipes out of the brand new Legal Sea Food cookbook that Jared so thoughtfully bought for me. My Christmas morning was lovely, and it amazed me that my parents managed to find articles of stuff-- something I tend toward loathing these days --that I actually like, want, and will use. Notably, between my various gift-giving loved ones, I now have five fantastic new cookbooks and several other interesting articles of cookware, clothing, and a few other useful sundries. Plus all the requisite holiday cheer and love,

Happy holidays, my lovelies.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Same shit, new year

Well, 2010 has gotten the jump on 2009 by starting with the same bullshit, but even earlier this time. Thanks.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Year in LJ-review meme

With New Years on its way, I'm going to give that interesting year-end meme of reflecting on the first LJ entry of each month of the past year a try.

January: The last couple of days have been kind of difficult for me. I have been asked not to give details, but I recieved some bad news about someone very important to me, and I've been extremely upset.
2008 was a difficult year for my loved ones, with more significant trouble and sadness than any of my life. Most of the issues sadly have not been resolved even now; they are in part responsible for why my mood has been so fragile recently. But I, and the rest of us, are doing our best to handle them as bravely as we can. One positive note was this was the month of my second anniversary with Jared.

February: One of the greatest compliments I have ever been paid is to know that I have made men brave.
I was made to recognize this around this time. It remains true. It means more to me than I can say. Got into A Midsummer Night's Dream and was cast as Puck, and though that production was not without its difficulties, I was proud of us as a cast and glad I got the chance to do the part.

March: Friday night - All's Well That Ends - This really was an excellent game.
Heh, this was my Intercon report, and clearly I didn't waste any time getting right into things. This entry was the first of March but came fairly late in the month, due to how busy I was preparing for the con in the midst of schoolwork and other life responsibilities. This was an excellent Intercon, filled with fun and friends, and further cemented Intercon as a really precious event in my life. I spent most of this month working on larps as intensely as possible, since...

April: My Festival this year has been so enormous and I have so much so say about it that I'm going to do this report in installments.
...right next month comes Festival of the Larps. This was the single most significant larp event for my development as a contributing member of the larp community, what with running four games, three of them mine, two of them new. Finished Oz and Paranoia this month and they went very well. It was enormous, demanding, wonderful, and I feel I gained a lot from it. I also turned twenty-two this month.

May: Ah, it feels good to accomplish something. I just finished, printed, and handed in my ten-page final for the last class required for my double-major.
This was the month I graduated from Brandeis with a BA in English and Creative Writing. Here was my tentative entrance into the real world, with all the accompanying challenges, responsibilities, and fears.

June: Had a really great evening last night. Had a goth night out with Bernie and Marissa, and not only did I enjoy going out and playing pool, the company was incredibly nice.
Heh, went out to Dead Pool, and indulged my taste for random strangers telling me I'm drop-dead gorgeous. Bless their little hearts. Still, it was this month I was beginning to plunge into the intermittent depressed feeling that would follow me a lot this year. I also got into Macbeth, my first show at a real professional theater, and though it was just a small part I'm pleased that I could make it into a show where nobody already knew me.

July: Went to the Natcik Mall yesterday, mostly to have an interesting place to walk around. I'm not a big shopper, but I enjoy walking around places looking at things; it's really good exercise you don't really have to think about.
This was before I got my job, so I still had a lot of free time on my hands. I spent a lot of time walking because it helped me think. I was feeling kind of adrift around this time, frustrated with not feeling like I was doing anything with myself, and I didn't accomplish as much as I would have liked with all my free time. The sadness was starting to set in consistently and in earnest. Found myself avoiding the company of other a lot more. Still, some up points, including the excellent second run of Oz in honor of Jared's summer visit, and I started up my Burn Notice tabletop campaign.

August: From noon on till seven at night, I spent cooking for a dinner for in_water_writ and 1takejohnny since they're in town. I'm very pleased with myself.
This year I did a lot to develop my cooking skills, which has now become one of my most intense interests and favorite hobbies. Having my friends over for dinner has become a very important means of socialization for me, one I want to continue to grow with. Also, this was the month I got hired at Educational Development Center, an educational non-profit, my first real job out of college-- not ideal, but not terrible either. I also got invited to run Alice in Chicago, which went fantastically, and meant that I was starting to reach a wider audience and perform on a stage other than my home turf. Felt very proud of myself.

September: At long last I'm going to get to play in the Iron GM-winning game written by bronzite, londo, elenuial, and Eager Mike, (am I forgetting anyone? nyren?) A Midsummer Night and the Living is Easy.
I played Cadence the Banshee in this game and really enjoyed it. But this was a very tough month for me; some of the life-stressors became particularly pressing around this time, and I felt lower for September than I felt in a long time. It wasn't made any easier by the sudden surge of people insisting on involving themselves in my situation. As before, still many of these things are not totally dealt with, but I have since found ways to help cope with the bad stuff I have to live with. One of the few up moments was getting the honor of being asked to help write the Labor Wars with Nat, Susan, and Vito.

October: Perhaps some of you have heard me go off on one of my impassioned rants against that thing that has come to irritate me more and more lately-- stuff. You know, things, items, objects, physical bric-a-brac that seems to be increasingly cluttering up my life.
My increasing dislike of stuff as I age reaches critical mass. I have determined that I sincerely desire to minimize the amount of stuff in my life. This was the month that culminated with Romeo and Juliet, and while I was glad to have another show under my belt with the accompanying development there, the production was not overall a positive experience, and I think some permament damage may have resulted from it. Still, this is the month where I began to cope better with my struggles and became less easily inclined to sadness.

November: Halloween yesterday was wonderful, surrounded by friends in excellent costumes. Best evening I've had in a long time.
The day after the fantastic Halloween party I had, notably for its Team Fortress 2 costumes and for being the first large social gathering I genuinely enjoyed in some time. Attended a major larp event, SFS Live Action Weekend at WPI, where I successfully ran two of my games and had fun playing in two more. Also began plans to put on To Think of Nothing, including assembling a stellar cast who is very enthusiastic to begin. Feeling more back to normal than I have in a long time.

December: Recently it was pointed out to me that the sign that I have utterly dismissed someone as having completely lost my respect (whether just for the moment or more lastingly) is when I call them a child.
This exemplifies the my increasing tendency toward grouchiness. This has been the unfortunate trend for the year; I have had less patience and less mood stability than probably I've ever had in my life. But despite this I am doing better than I have in some months, if not exactly as even-keeled as I used to be, at least closer than I've been in a long time.

So, the verdict on the year. It's not been the easiest year for me. In addiction to a lot of ongoing personal problems, stepping of the comfortable environment of college and entering the real world has made things tough for me to maintain the emotional stability I used to have. I never thought of myself as moody before, but I have to admit that is what I seem to have become. But I'm doing my best to meet my challenges as bravely and responsibily as I can. I certainly accomplished a number of notable things. I was in three plays. I wrote two new larps and put on a total of six runs of various games. I've vastly improved my cooking skills. I got a job, have been holding it down, and have been able to support myself independently for the first time ever. I'm looking ahead now, applying to graduate schools, working on a new larp, and putting together a new play. I spent one more year with my love Jared.

I must count my blessings, and be aware that life isn't supposed to be easy. We were born to suffer and we live to fight for joy. This year has brought me both, because a full life should have both. So, as tough as 2009 has been, I am grateful for the experiences it has given me. Not sure what next year will bring, but I am musing now on what I'd like from it, and what I'd like from myself.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Experiment fail

Last week or so I decided to experiment with cross-posting my journal entries to Facebook. I liked the idea of bringing in more readers, but I was concerned that some unforeseen consequence would come of an wider audience-- a specifically unwanted reader, or somebody who would react badly to things I've written, for instance.

Well, that happened the other day, apparently. A person I've written about took enormous offense and now I'm kind of in the doghouse about it. This person isn't even Facebook friends with me, they found it by being on the site logged in as a mutual friend of ours, which irritates me. But if I hadn't put it up on Facebook it wouldn't have come up.

The damage is done here, and frankly I'm not terribly troubled about this person being upset at me. But now I'm concerned that if something bad can happen once, it can happen again, and possibly with more significant consequences. So now I'm thinking of stopping the cross-posting. Probably isn't worth the aggravation, huh? What do you guys think?

Monday, December 21, 2009

Eventful weekend, installment 3: Burn Notice on Sunday

Sunday Bernie was supposed to come home and I was going to pick him up at the airport, which I was excited for because I've missed him like crazy. But we got snow on Sunday, so he was forced to reschedule his flight for Monday evening. I was pretty disappointed, not only because I wanted to see him, but also because I was planning on running Burn Notice that night and he wasn't going to be able to be there. But I really wanted to go, so after some ideas from Bernie I decided to throw together an interstitial adventure for just Matt and Kindness's characters and sent Bernie's guy out of town on a family obligation. It activated a subplot for Kindness's character Gwen, which pleased me, and given I only had a day to put it together I think it turned out decently. Bernie videoconferenced in on Matt's computer, which worked well enough to have Donovan reachably only by phone, but unfortunately he couldn't hear us quite well enough to totally follow the action. Ah, well, it was nice to have him around at least. Now we have two threads of the story going at the same time; I'll have to decide what to do about that. Could lead to some interesting conflict. :-) That reminds me, I'll have to talk to Jared about building a particular NPC that will be needed in the near future. Given my shakiness with mechanics, the dear has kindly offered to help me construct a character that could give our PCs a run for their money!

Bernie gets in tonight, so here's going to get him take two. We're going to hang out this evening, and I think we're on for dinner tomorrow night too, since I'll be leaving Wednesday. It'll be nice to have him back, if only for a bit until I get back myself.

Eventful weekend, installment 2: Shopping on Saturday

Saturday I finished writing my personal statement for graduate school, sent it in to the teachers I asked for recommendations, and celebrated having that weight off my mind. Then I made the perilous journey out to the Natick Mall to do Christmas shopping for my family before I go home. Even the place hadn't been wall-to-wall packed with people-- I had to creepily follow patrons who were leaving in my car in order to find a parking space --this job would have been hard enough to get done, since my family except for Casey is so hard to buy for. My dislike of stuff is mirrored to varying degrees in my parents; if it's not nice stuff my mom can do without it, and if you quit looking at stuff too long in our house my dad will throw it out to escape the burden of its stuffy imposition. For Mom I got beautiful black leather gloves with cashmere lining, which are attractive and functional and I actually wouldn't mine owning a pair myself, so I'm pleased there. My brother will get this fantastically ugly hipsterish plaid flannel that apparently is his style these days. As for my dad, well, picking something for him was hell, and none of the ideas I had panned out. He wants nothing, needs nothing, prefers nothing, and on the rare occasion he does want something he will immediately get it for himself in precisely the style and variety he finds optimal for his needs to a degree that no outside gift-giver could ever possibly equal. I settled on nice beer glasses, since he's taken to brewing his own beer, but chances are he's already found himself exactly the beer glasses he wants and I will just throw up my hands at trying to honor the Christmas generosity ritual with him at all.

On Wednesday I collect my bags, my gifts, and my brother and head on home to Allentown for the end of the week. I won't be gone long, just until early next Sunday, which I'm glad for, but it'll be nice to spend the holiday with the family. Alas when I return I will no longer have the house to myself. *sigh* Ah, well. It was heavenly while it lasted.

Eventful weekend, installment 1: Jenn on Friday

Goodness, but I have been a busy girl these last several days. Since my last post was on Friday, I will pick up from there. Cut into three installments to keep the number of tags for the entry from getting too absurd. I do love my tags, you know.

Friday night was a wonderful evening spent in the company of the lovely in_water_writ*, in which she came over to Elsinore and we cooked a delicious dinner together. I made a pork roast, something I've been wanting to try for ages and finally could without my kosher boys around, and she made these fantastic stuffed mushrooms that I'm going to have to recreate myself sometime. I also made some mini apple pies in the new tiny pie plates my mom sent me, but they came out strangely-- I wasn't sure on the cooking time, and they came out with the apples not soft enough but also kind of dry, so I couldn't tell if they were overcooked or undercooked. Ah, well. I'll have to play around with it until I find a recipe that works. Having the time with Jenn was really wonderful; I loved cooking the meal with her and we talked so long we lost track of time. It's tough for me to open up to most people, but I really do feel comfortable confiding things in her. I'm lucky to have her around, aren't I? :-) We were talking about having a standing dinner date once or twice a month where she and I, or the two of us plus John and Jared, get together at each other's places to cook. Given how much I enjoyed that evening, I think that would be a lovely idea.

Friday, December 18, 2009

My own personal Johnny Depp

As I said, I was joking to Jared, since I've cast him and Frances in To Think of Nothing as I cast them in Hamlet, that it's like Frances is Johnny Depp to my Tim Burton and his Helena Bonham Carter. ;-) I am the offbeat director who loves including them in my projects, he's my partner that contributes his talent to my shows, and she's my brilliant, strange, awesome friend who I just love working with. Despite Jared's grumbling, ("Why can't I be Johnny Depp?") I still find this an apt comparison. As I'm sure you know, I am immensely interested in Frances as an actress. Which is to say I find her wonderful, fascinating, engaging, and challenging, full of so much talent and so much potential.

When I cast her as Hamlet, it was large part for her particular strengths. Rejecting the stereotypical whining, bloodless Hamlet that so many people picture, I wanted a passionate, explosive man that could vibrate with madness, roil with restless energy, seethe with anger. Frances can portray gathering intensity like no one else I know-- brooding anger, mental turmoil, unraveling sanity, these things, so difficult to believe from most actors, play so naturally on her. She has this incredible way of suggesting that there is something going on inside her that you cannot comprehend and should probably fear. She gets a look in her eye, a title to her head, a slightly off position to her body-- you believe that she is containing demons.

Her physicality is amazing. What for some actors like Jared is one of the most difficult parts of embodying a character, Frances's talent is unique and unforgettable. You look at her and you can see the strength in her, in the way she moves and just the definition of her form. It gives her an enormous advantage when she needs to seem unlike herself, that she is able to move herself and position herself in ways that are markedly different from the norm. The first way this manifests is that she can make herself seem inhuman, otherwordly. It's no small wonder she has been cast in roles like Gollum, Caliban, and Puck. But it was also this that made her believable as the violent, intimidating force of nature that was Hamlet. Frances, short, pretty, sweet-faced and soft-eyed, needs only but to channel her energy into her body in all its force to reshape herself into something of a very different power. You forgot you were looking at this small, cute girl and saw only the raw intensity. By this means she can become powerful, imposing, dangerous.

In Hamlet we utilized this talent of hers as a means of transgression. Hamlet wanted to make everyone around him feel uncomfortable and thrown off, and some of the ways he did it was by invading personal space, violating conventions like how people moved and sat, and having outbursts of violence. A person who climbs on things, jumps on tables, swings around swords, crawls on the ground, twists themselves up, and gets up in your face is very unsettling, and Frances made you believe it because of her physicality. It's a lot to demand of someone who also has to emote and speak page after page of lines, but she brought it all together exactly right.

These are what, in my humble opinion, Frances excels at, the things she does onstage without effort, and these are the things for which she gets the most credit and recognition. But I think people, directors in particular, tend to see her as a collection of certain modalities (intense, mad, physical, strange, otherwordly, etc) that play very well onstage and they think of them in terms of how those modalities can be used in their show. It's a natural instinct, particularly for young directors; they want their show to be the best it can be, so they cast everyone according to their obvious strengths, and ask them to do what they do best.

But as much as I wanted her to use her talents for my show, I needed her to do things that were very much outside those spheres as well. I wanted a bipolar Hamlet, whose pain was expressed not only in violent restless mania but also in the empty nothingness of depression. One of the things we spent the most time working on was achieving a hollowed-out Hamlet who did not cope with his pain by transmuting it into anger. But even though it's not her most natural inclination on stage, I believe Frances is totally capable of anything you could possibly want in a character. She has a definite comfort zone, that is for sure. She is so good at the intense spectrum that she has a tendency to default back to it when she isn't sure what else to do, or if she isn't confident treading ground that feels less natural to her. But when she's aware of it, and when she stretches, she can reach places on the emotional range that blow you away.

One of the scenes I was most proud of her in was "to be or not to be." The way we set it up had Hamlet in the chapel listening fitfully to the storm outside, seething with rage. Finally, with the last crash of thunder, he stands up and just screams. But the act seems to vent all the angry energy right out of him, and he collasped back down in a depression for "to be or not to be." That was definitely Hamlet in a downswing, contemplating suicide. Here Frances could not twitch and vibrate. She needed to cut bowstrings, not just contain the energy but let it drain out of her. Hamlet had been mostly covering up these feelings previously with rage, but here was a moment to explore the simple sadness that was the actual cause that had been pushing him to all the self-destruction actions he takes in the play. And in this moment, Frances was not mad. She was subdued, ponderous, tragic, aching, vulnerable. It didn't come naturally to her, and I don't think it came easily. But she did it, and she did it beautifully, because she is not a selection of modalities but an actress.



Poor Hamlet. Wonderful Frances.

One of the reasons I cast her as Andromeda in particular in To Think of Nothing is because it's against her type. This character is the exact opposite of Hamlet, whose one constant was a profound discomfort with his existence, discomfort inside his own skin. Andromeda, by contrast, must be perfectly serene. She is the mental impression of a person that the main character adores. In order to reflect Cassander's view of her, she must be totally at peace, limitlessly kind, but righteous, and unafraid to tell him when she feels he has done wrong. Requires a lot of subtle acting to balance the endlessly forgiving quality with the force of bringing someone back to the right thing. And of course, it's no small task to basically embody the perfect woman. :-) She's also a noticeably feminine character, another thing Frances is not known for playing.

But I know Frances, and I know how talented she is. I'm really excited to work with her to try something that might not be her strongest suit but that she definitely has the ability to do. I'm looking forward to her wowing everyone in a role nobody would expect from her, and I'm really happy that it's going to be in my show. :-)

Frances's Depp to my restless Burton

I totally had a realization.

I'm Tim Burton to Frances's Johnny Depp.

And that makes Jared Helena Bonham Carter.

:-D

Hmm. I am inspired. More on this later.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

The Fool, costume and character

I just made myself a couple of new userpics of myself as the Fool. I was hoping to find a Fool picture where he appeared happy or celebratory or something along those lines, and I was surprised to find there aren't really many like that, considering I was a lot of the comic relief in that play. But of course, that play is a tragedy if ever there was one, and I loved Lear-- and loving Lear in that play is a guarantee that your character will suffer. ;-)

I loved so many things about being the Fool, and one of those things was the costume. Marissa, whose astounding natural talent for costuming I've raved about before, just put the elements together so beautifully. The awesome coxcomb she made, the black and white color scheme that only he and Cordelia would have, the very classically fool concept of wearing a comical version of formal dress, with that excellent tailed jacket with its once-formal, now-tattered look, and the improperly-tied tie. It was so in character and just worked brilliantly-- she really did wonderful work.

But there is one small contribution to that most fantastic brainchild of Marissa that I made. The black pants I was given were enormous on me, enough that I am not exaggerating when I say that another Phoebe could have fit in there with me. Kinda made me look like a tree trunk from the waist down, which did not give me the spritely physicality I felt the character needed. So I rolled up the pant legs to the knee, and it just clicked. Short pants that don't fit all that well on somebody surrounded by people in formal clothing are an excellent way to indicate social inferiority, and it both made me look more nimble and gave me more freedom of motion. I decided early that the Fool was a creature of constant energy-- he's an entertainer, after all, he has to keep the audience engaged --who always needed to be moving and doing something with his body. Even when only in the background, I took on strange poses and kept shifting them, as if even when I had to hang back and be quiet, I needed some outlet for my energy. And as the story goes on and things get more and more hopeless for the Fool and his compatriots, his increasing loss of hope was symbolized for me in my decreasing level of energy and movement.

Also, having the coxcomb and the tie in particular facilitated my finding the final moment of the Fool onstage-- the moment the userpic for this entry depicts. In the script, the Fool has his last line, "And I'll go to bed at noon," as a joking response to something Lear says in his addled state, and then when everyone exits at the end of the scene, he just leaves with everyone else and never comes back. I always hated that, because I feel like the Fool, who has been an important character and one of Lear's most steadfast friends, deserves more of a goodbye than that. So I talked about it with Frances, and she let me play with a bit just before my exit that I felt gave the character, and his failure to return, a lot more resolution. That last scene takes place in a leanto where Lear, the Fool, Kent, and Edgar playing as Mad Tom have taken shelter from the storm. Lear's mental state has deeply deteriorated, and no matter what the Fool does, he doesn't seem to be able to protect Lear from himself, or from that sketchy nearly naked crazy guy he seems to think is a philosopher. My energy level was pretty much totally depressed at this point, because I had no hope that I could do anything to fix things. Then Gloucester appears to take them all to a safter place, and they all file out, except Mad Tom and the Fool. I sadly watched them leave, then I look around, taking in the situation. With a last evaluating look at Mad Tom, I loosen my tie, take off my coxcomb, and regard it a moment. Finally, I disgustedly repeat my last line, "And I'll go to bed at noon," as if to say, "That's all I had? That's the only thing I could think of to say to him?" At last I make my exit, with none of my former spritely energy, coxcomb and tie removed to symbolize that I knew I no longer had the ability to be the faithful, spirit-lifting Fool to my lord King Lear.

I always figured the Fool dies after that, though I'm not sure how. I know textually in tragedies support characters have to go after a certain point so that the show can reach its tragic conclusion-- Benvolio in Romeo and Juliet has a similar disappearance to the Fool. Moments like the above really made me feel inside the character, though. I really feel I portrayed him better than any other I've played onstage. One of the greatest compliments I've ever recieved as an actor was to be told that someone saw the show and didn't realize that Cordelia and the Fool were played by the same actor. :-) God, that means a lot to me. Frances was such a huge help, both in helping me understand who I was playing and in working with me to achieve it. As a director, she had a way of working WITH actors that I'm still working on being able to achieve. She trusted us, she let us try things-- huge compliments to give to actors. Also, she herself was a big inspiration to me. I modeled a lot of what I did with the Fool on the acting style of Frances, partially because I thought it fit so well, and partially because since it was her own way of acting, she could give me such useful advice and perspective on it. I really feel like the two of us accomplished something great together with that character.

Wow. I initially just meant to just mention I liked how the Fool's pants looked rolled up like that. As if often the way with my thoughts, I start with something small and things just explode from there. :-)

Elsinore to myself, woohoo!

Feeling good this morning with a very positive outlook on the near future. I slept well, I did an acceptable amount of work yesterday, and I have plans for happy and interesting things to over the next several days. So there are a number of factors contributing to my good mood, but I'm fairly certain the major one is that for the next several days I shall have Elsinore to myself. Ryan and Miriam have gone home for winter break, and Dave and David are leaving for a trip to Scotland today, so I get to experience my dearest dream of living alone, if only for a short while. I plan to clean the hell out of the place after work and enjoy having things just the way I like them.

I'm trying to have an unofficial BSCF at the house tonight. You're welcome to come by for gaming or just hanging out tonight at 7PM if you'd like, though an RSVP would be appreciated so I know what kind of crowd to expect. I'd certainly enjoy the company, so you all are welcome.

As a side note, it appears LiveJournal now has statistics on traffic and such. Great, as if I don't spend enough time constantly checking and rechecking for new things on my journal. I'm also experimenting with cross-posting my entries to Facebook. I like the idea of more people reading, but I'm not sure if throwing a spotlight what I write to everybody who sees my profile will attract only just people I want to be reading. That might end up biting me in the ass. I could just start friend-locking things, but there are people who don't have LJs that I like getting to read what I write. Ah, well. We'll try it for a while and see what comes of it. So far, the most annoying thing about it has been that it gets rids of all my carriage returns when I post.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Offended enough to post about it

This is a little thing, but it bugs me. I'm watching Iron Chef, and I just saw Bobby Flay accidentally scramble eggs in a beautiful piece of enamled cast-iron. What does he do with his mistake? He runs it over to a garbage can, trashes the whole thing, pot and all, and grabs a new one to start over in.

Now, I love Bobby 'cause he's a freaking rock star, but I was pretty outraged. That's probably a two or three hundred dollar Le Creuset Dutch oven! A gorgeous, useful piece of cookware that I'd love to own. If you're going to just throw it away, give it to me, dude. I'll happily cook in it, and when I do I'll tell my dinner guests, "This was used by Bobby Flay on Iron Chef once. I watched him ruin eggs in it."

I want to want nothing

It's always been hard for me to believe that it's okay for me to want things.

I'm not sure why. It's certainly not something caused by my upbringing; for the most part my family has been very supportive and understanding of the things I needed and always endeavored to give me all of it. But for some reason, I have always felt like asking people for things was weak, demanding, selfish, and wrong, and needing anything was dangerous, because you don't have the right to expect anything, so you probably weren't going to get it.

This wasn't such a big deal before I came to college. In high school I was a much colder, more detached person, and nothing had all that much power to hurt me. It's not that I was particularly zen or evolved; I didn't have much investment in anything outside of myself, people included, which meant nothing external meant all that much either way. Totally natural, totally incidental, of no personal effort whatsoever. But I held it up as a point of pride, and constructed a lot of my image on it-- I am beautiful and untouchable, and I don't need anybody or anything. And I know for a fact that many of the boys I dated so casually and detachedly thought it was awesome how low-maintenance I was.

But, to paraphrase Sean Connery in First Knight, he who needs nothing loves nothing, and that was true of me. Nothing mattered all that much, which meant there was nothing that would hurt me to lose, but also nothing, and no one other than my family, that I really loved or cared about.

Thankfully, I've become a lot more human since high school. It means that things matter to me now, people matter to me now. But it also means that now I need things from people, and the cost of that is that a lot more has the power to hurt me, not least of which is my guilt over it. Maybe it's because I spent so much time telling myself that it was a thing that made me stronger and better that I didn't need anything, but nowadays I feel bad about myself when I do. And I had evidence that my low-maintenance qualities were considered to be part of my appeal. Weak, needy people wanted things. Nobody likes to constantly have to do things for somebody else-- I was more desirable because they wouldn't have to do anything for me. To ask is selfish and demanding, petty and dependent, and what makes me think that anyone owes me anything? What right do I have to ask?

A huge example of this was my (non-)relationship with Alain. He was the first person I ever had strong feelings for-- certainly not love, but still, strong feelings. Which made him pretty much the first person ever I really strongly desired to have a connection with. So, in my desperation to make him want to have a connection with me, I wanted to make myself seem appealing, low-maintenance, completely free of undesirable qualities. So I never asked him for anything, never made any demands on him, no matter what I was feeling. If I wanted attention that he didn't seem inclined to give, I never asked for any. If something he did hurt my feelings and made me feel uncared for, I let it go. This was partially because I never wanted to seem like a chore, and partially because of how afraid I was that even if I did ask, he wouldn't want to give it to me. And because I asked for nothing from me, he gave me nothing, until even our relationship became nothing, and I ached for it.

I recognize how unhealthy this is. My behaving like that contributed in large part to how damaging that situation was to me. But it's always hard to get over, even now that I associate with people who are much better for me. I'm still kind of afraid that if I suddenly start needing things, I'll lose the appeal of being so low-maintenance and come to be seen as a burden. And I'm definately afraid of having my needs rejected. I don't know why I expect to never get what I want, even from the people I love, whom I know love me. Or more specifically, why I expect them to never want to do anything for me. It's even caused problems for Jared and I when I said "It's okay," so many times when it wasn't that he didn't know any better than to keep on doing things that caused me pain. I know in my head that people who love you will want to make sure you have the things you need. But I'm afraid of testing that love and finding that it wasn't enough to want to take care of me after all. And finally, I'm afraid that if I get used to someone giving me things and doing things for me and helping me, what will happen to me if suddenly they're not there anymore? To have it and then have it taken away I'm afraid would break me. And I guess I worry that i I know it isn't healthy; God knows I've suffered for it in the past. But it's so hard to escape that desire for freedom from desire. I use to repeat that to myself, in my mind, and in my journal, again and again during low periods. I want to want nothing. If you don't want anything, you never get hurt when you don't get it. If nobody has to take care of you, nobody can get tired of taking care of you.

I am still working through this. But at least I understand the trouble I have.

Here we go

Project work begins in earnest today. I am devising my plan of attack. I'm breaking down all my tasks into their smallest units and assigning certain due dates by which I would like to have them complete. My Google calendar is very complicated right now, with all the project-item deadlines now tacked onto it.

I'm kind of in the place where I have so much to do that's all due around the same time that I almost don't know where to start. But that just means it's all the more important to get started.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Work for the downtime

Been feeling very off these past few days. Trying to relax and get centered again.

Jared is finally finished with all his work and feels pretty good about it, which is an enormous weight off my mind. Unfortunately for me, his finishing means he needs to go home now. I'll be taking him to the airport after work today, and he'll won't be back until January 17th. I'm kind of sorry that now that things have finally evened out we don't get to be together for a month, but we'll make the best of it like we always do.

I am resolving to try and not get so irritated about everything the way I have been lately. I feel like I'm turning into this seething mound of discontent that my friends soon won't want to be around. Also I've been clenching my teeth a lot, which is a combination of anger-stress and constantly being too cold. There's a habit I'd like to kick as quick as possible.

I want to use this month effectively. There will be a great deal less going on to which I have responsibilities. No Jared around means a lot more lonely time, but its one positive is that it frees up my timetable a lot more-- no driving him places, no running errands, no conforming to his schedule --so since my time will be entirely my own I want to utilize it efficiently. Interesting people do interesting things. These are mine. I tell myself that when I start to want to lock myself in my room and never have responsibilities ever again.

The major things I must do--
- Prepare for the next session of Burn Notice. We're restarting after a long hiatus, but I really want this game to keep going.
- Work on my seven assigned characters for Labor Wars
- Block To Think of Nothing, and see if I can figure out how to schedule rehearsals in advance
- Get together applications for grad schools
- Finishing (finally!) the fucking Hamlet DVD

Monday, December 14, 2009

Brian brightens my day

I was winding up for a really grouchy entry here, but I've been reading back entries of oakenguy*'s LiveJournal and he is so funny and interesting and awesome that my mood is greatly lifted. Thanks for being wonderful, Brian. :-)

This weekend was over before I even realized it began. Lots of rough stuff going on for Jared, and he needed a lot of help from me to get through it. I'm glad to help, and I think everything is handled and okay now, but I'm kinda burnt out. Also, I ended up having to see a lot more of Sara than I'd hoped I would. Honestly it wasn't that bad, she was fairly pleasant and I put forth my very best effort, but I had things I would have rather been doing with my time than have brunch with her and drive her places because she put zero planning into this trip. Honestly the only thing that really bugged me was the expectation of how much Jared would be available. No, Jared TOLD YOU he was not available to entertain because IT IS FINALS WEEK and he HAS FINALS. *Sigh* She ended up offering to make us dinner as thanks for our help, which was very nice of her, but necessitated I spend more time around her, and I couldn't refuse without looking like a jerk. Again, the evening was pleasant enough, but I don't want to spend that much time around a person whose primary effect on my life has been to make my boyfriend feel bad about himself. At least I got to take a break from it all and go with Steph to the Natick Mall, which turned out to be a lot of fun and a nice respite from my roles as "support system" and "ex wrangler." I may have to have dinner with Sara again tonight, but hey, it'll be a meal I don't have to pay for, and I can at least enjoy Jared's company and the fact that three years is a sufficient period of time to pass that I can exhibit normal girlfriend behaviors in front of his ex without hurting her feelings. (For those of you who react to this length of time with outrage, the last time I was actually in Sara's presence was over two years ago.)

Also, went to a lovely surprise birthday party for Frances the other day that was incredibly nice. Every time I talk to her I'm reminded of how I need to spend more time with her. It was just a lovely, nice, low-key evening with good friends, which I needed, and Jared too. Nearly the entire cast of To Think of Nothing was present, and it really warms my heart to see the evidence of how enthusiastic they are about this show. I'm so excited to get to work on it.

Focuson the positive, Phoebe. Like the show, and being with Jared, and the sheer unadulterated awesome that is oakenguy*. That'll keep me from being the constant grouch I'm threatening to turn into.

Brooding

Throughout my childhood, my mother liked to use a particular quotation from The Chronicles of Narnia, specifically said by Aslan to Lucy about why she should forgive a treacherous friend of hers in The Voyage of the Dawn Treader: "She is weak, but she loves you."

Whenever I would get too furious or judgmental about someone in my life for not being as strong or as brave or as good as they should have been, my mom would say that. "She is weak, but she loves you." By this she meant be forgiving, because that person may not have much strength to draw on, but they do love you, and the goodness of loving and caring and meaning well indicates that there's something worthy of love about them.

I still remember all the times she said this to me, and it did make me think. But the older I get, the more and more my response becomes that there is a corollary-- "She is weak, but she loves you." "She loves you, but she is weak."

I don't know if that's right. But I'm coming to believe that if you love someone, you owe it to them to be strong. That doing the hard thing for them is part of loving.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Rough day

So Jared's been having some of the lousiest days he's had in a long time over the last couple, and today seemed to bring more of the same. His computer freaking out while he was in the middle of writing his end-of-semester twenty-five pages for his thesis was the straw that broke the camel's back. Now we're trying to get his plan back into some semblance of where it's supposed to be, and we've managed to work most of it out and get him back on track, but emotionally he's pretty wrung out, and I am a bit drained from the effort of helping to fix the problems and settle him down. I am more than glad to be his support system when he needs me, the extended period of trouble has just demanded a lot.

Also somewhat troublesome is that Sara, Jared's ex-girlfriend, is coming to visit Boston this weekend. Though I don't mind her as much as I used to, I'm not thrilled about having her around, especially since I only have a few more days with Jared before he goes home for break. But she says she doesn't need entertaining; she just wants to see the city and have a little vacation. She is going through a tough time right now, and I honestly do sympathize with her. And Jared's so busy he can't really spare the time for excessive socializing right now, so I doubt I'll have to spend too much time in her company. I'm sure she has about equally little desire to hang around me.

Finally in the triumvirate of annoying, right now my roommate has filled my house with people of the young-nerds-who-just-can't-turn-it-off crowd, as Kindness so aptly put it. Their noise and constant LOLspeak just sinks a saw blade into the meat of my brain. Fortunately Jonathan was lovely enough to rescue me by asking me to pose for him in his studio. We're going to do it again sometime later this week. I really enjoy being part of his work; it's so cool to see the finished product. I recently saw a charcoal image he made of one of his new installations; it's a dressmaker's dummy dressed as a ballerina tied up with lines of yarn in front of a piece of patterned cloth, and I think it may be my favorite piece of his yet. So elegant, and slightly creepy. I'm so happy to model for him, it's always so flattering when he asks me.

Focus on the positive. Maybe I should make being grateful for small things like I did earlier today a periodic thing. Might help me not be so easily knocked into grouchiness as I am these days.

Redemption in January

I forgot to mention this here-- I signed up to play in Alison Schaeffer and Brian Richburg's larp, Redemption: High Noon at the Devil's Luck in January at Brandeis. Jared did as well. Anyone else going to be in it with us?

Weird stuff I'm thankful for

I'm thankful that I have all my arms and legs and hands and things, and that they all work right.

I'm thankful that I'm naturally pretty in the way I want to be, because you don't know how happy it makes me to be able to say that, yes, I do in fact look this good first thing in the morning.

I'm thankful my parents and nice and cool and understanding and not crazy.

I'm thankful that my friends like my cooking.

I'm thankful for Elsinore, which has many factors which drive me crazy, but where I also have my big bedroom for a santuary and a good location and enough space to entertain.

I'm thankful that my leather purse didn't get permanently discolored by the snow that got into it the other day.

I'm thankful that my health doesn't depend on any medications.

I'm thankful for how much of my favorite TV shows are accessible online these days, so I can watch them whatever I want.

I'm thankful that I don't have to spend money on makeup or alcohol because I don't like any of that stuff. Good thing, 'cause that shit is expensive.

I thankful for the fact that, even though sometimes the love in my life puts me through struggles, it stills means that I love and am very loved.

Friday, December 11, 2009

E-mail subject: "Comfort Food"

An e-mail sent to me by my dad:

Tyler Florence Beef Brisket Au Jus, Parsnip Pureè, Balsalmic Roasted Onion, garnished with Watercress - Oh My Eaten in front of a blazing wood fire! Love U & wish U could have joined us! Mom is the best!



My mom is the chef I aspire to be. :-) It makes me smile when they send me pictures of dinner plates. They do this frequently.

Happy birthday Frances!

Wishing a happy twenty-third birthday to the beautiful soul and favored leading lady that is Frances! I'm so lucky to have had you in my life. :-)

Post-Sleep No More

I wondered at the production of it; I wonder how they put it all together. There was so much precision timing involved, a need for characters to go from totally different places and activities to converging on a location in precisely the right moment to act out another scene together. And that venue, the abandoned school, was not small; they used four floors of it. I can't imagine what rehearsal must have been like. Or what directing it entailed. I guess they blocked it in pieces, though I suppose there was no way to see the finished product in its entirety.

I love the idea of it. It was basically silent actors going through a series of interlocking, highly stylized scenes in a cyclical pattern that roughly followed the story of Macbeth. The environment was enormous and detailed, and there was so many things to watch and see. The set dressing was gorgeous and so detailed, the way they constructed all the rooms to look like bedrooms, living rooms, gardens, the heath, a forest, a banquet hall. What effort, thought, and cost they must have put into it. I would have loved to have had the time to take a closer look at it all. I wished the lighting had been better, partially for this reason; I have practically no night vision, and I know it was supposed to be atmospheric, but I just couldn't see things well enough. I liked the masked element in theory-- it was really creepy to see lots of people standing around in faceless masks --but in practice it was kind of painful to wear over my glasses. Unfortunately typical. Ah, well. At least it made it easy to distinguish audience from performer.

Random stuff I saw, cut for spoilers-- I watched a ballroom with a fantastic '20s-style swing dance. I followed Lady Macbeth and Duncan, who were dancing partners, go up to Duncan's room, where Lady M bid him goodnight. Then he went into his garden, planted some seeds in earthenware pots, and found a playing card, a king, with a hole punched through its head. :-) Then he went back into his room, got ready for bed, and Macbeth came in and smothered him with a pillow. I then followed Macbeth back to his own room, his hands covered with blood (though I had no idea where from). His wife took off his clothes, pushed him into a bathtub, and washed him. He had a little freak out, which was creepy and cool, then smoothed himself out, got dressed, and went out to deal with the discovery of the body. Later, Lady Macbeth, in the "out, damned spot" scene got the same treatment in a room lined with bathtubs, pushed around by a tall, severe woman in a plain dress with slicked-back hair. I wonder who that woman was supposed to be. I also saw a man, naked but for a goat head mask, covered in blood, dance around in a strobe light. Lady Macduff had an interesting arc that I didn't totally understand, but she was an obsessive-compulsive who moved in strange balletic ways. I also loved how they did the banquet, backlit and in slow motion, with a cool representation of Banquo's ghost. I saw three men play cards in a speakeasy; didn't know who they were supposed to be, but I wondered if they were the murderers killing time before they killed Banquo. I watched the witches do a fantastic dance. The hotelier cut names out of guestbook with a razor blade, then put them in an envelope marked "M". Saw lots of people have freakouts in their bedrooms, then get a handle on themselves and get ready for their evenings.

I know Macbeth quite well-- been in it twice --and even I had a tough time sometimes figuring out what was supposed to be going on in the scenes. I enjoyed the puzzle, but i feel I got more out of the scenes whose story I grasped. I feel like I missed a lot, so I kind of wish there had been a way to know where to go so I could have seen more, but I enjoyed the wandering aspect of it. Each scene went through its cycle three times I think, which gave an interesting detached-from-reality feel, as if they were ghosts haunting the house. I kind of wish there had been a way to know where to go to see things, though.

Overall, a very enjoyable and fun experience, though I wish I had understood it better and it had been better-lit. Loved how detailed it was, and I'm glad that somebody was willing to go to all the time and effort to put something that complicated together.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Sleep No More tonight

Tonight I am going with the crowd to see Sleep No More. Kindness and I will be going there together, and I'll be very interested to hear what he thinks of it. Jared went a few weeks ago and highly reccomended it, so I thought I'd go and see it myself. I like the notion of wandering around in a space watching lots of dynamic scenes, and I like the idea that the audience members all wear masks. I kind of like the anonymity of it, so I never feel self-conscious looking into something or following someone. Jared also suggested that I dress up; he said he did and thought it was more fun that way. I just might do that, though I worry about the weather. I wonder if it'll be cold or warm inside the venue. Maybe I'll just wear a nice coat, so whatever I go with under it I'll still look nice and be comfortable.

Dinner for GURPS players

Feeling much better today. The lack of sliding on the road on the way to work this morning helped. Last night Jared and I were going to cook, but he also wanted to talk to his fellows involved in Matt's four-color supers game about his character, so we decided we'd have the GM and the other players over for dinner. I was in the mood to make a lot, so I did the Rachael Ray apricot and cippolini braised chicken, my mom's complicated wild rice dish, steamed broccoli, and a yellow cake, graciously frosted by Matt. Other than the cake being a bit dry-- I had one fewer egg than I needed, and I think I left it in the oven a bit long --it came out very nicely. The wild rice is pretty much the only rice dish my family makes (we're not really rice eaters) and I like it's because it's complex and sophisticated, but I'm always afraid that all the different flavors make it tough to gauge whether it will suit someone's tastes or not. There's mint, orange, scallion, toasted pecan, golden raisin-- I think it all goes very well together, giving it a nice fresh taste, but there's no accounting for what people like. Jared, for example, tends to be hot and cold on it, depending on how it goes with what it's being served with. Fortunately it went over pretty well last night, and I will have the leftovers for lunch today.

Talk over dinner ran very hard to GURPS in general and this game in particular, as it was designed to, which meant I didn't have much to add. But actually I was pleased by that; it was pleasant to let the conversation of my guests wash over me while I made myself comfortable and enjoyed my food and let my mind wander. For some reason I didn't have it in me to be terribly engaging or engaged, so just being present without having to be anything in particular was nice. I enjoyed the company, and being able to kind of be alone while in it. I know Jared definately was happy to spend the evening with friends and get to talk out what he was thinking for his character. And I like to think Bernie, after being trapped in his last for two or three days straight, appreciated the dinner and the chance to hang out with friends.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Hate the snow

I am a ball of nerves right now thanks to the snow I just drove to work in. I was so nervous about being late today due to having to dig my car out that I woke up ridiculously early AGAIN, then tried to go back to sleep, only to have the slightly-earlier-than-normal alarm I set not go off. So I rushed out to unbury Constantine, which fortunately wasn't too difficult since the snow was still fluffy, and drove over terrifyingly slippery roads that sometimes I would slide over even when I braked. I really hope it quits by the time I'm supposed to go home, but it's still coming down like crazy and doesn't seem to be turning into rain like the weather report said it would. :-( I'm kind of afraid to drive in it again.

I really just want to go home, curl up under a blanket, and not come out until the snow stops. I want to eat that lovely brined and pan-fried pork chop in the fridge, and a cup of hot apple cider to go with it. This being out in the snow stuff is for chumps.

ETA: I just realized I got snow in my purse. Now all my stuff is wet-- thank God my phone wasn't in there --and the outside of the bag has a huge watermark. Oh, God, I hope the leather isn't ruined. I'm so pissed.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Sleeping like a baby, literally

Not sleeping that well the last week or so. Well, not exactly. I've been getting enough sleep, I suppose, but my schedule is getting skewed earlier and earlier these days and it's not meshing well with anyone else's in my life. I get up early to get to work during the week, but this weekend I had to get up even earlier to take Jared to the LSAT and to have breakfast with my parents before they left to go back to Allentown. And today I was woken up an hour even before that to move my car and couldn't go back to sleep. It's made it so I've started crashing at ten or even nine o'clock at night, like a little kid while all my night-owl friends are still doing things. Jared in particular doesn't usually get done with everything he has to do in a day until late, so when I fall alseep that early it's a chunk out of the quality time we can spend together. And God knows I hate crashing while there are stills guests in the house; it's embarrassing and turns me into a bad host. Sleeping in isn't an option so much, at least not until next weekend, but maybe I can take a nap during the day and try to push myself to stay up a little later. Don't know if I can manage that today, I don't really have the time for a nap, but I'll try it on Tuesday. I feel bad bitching about my sleep, though, since I'm technically getting enough, just not the right hours. But then I think of Bernie being in a sleep deprivation study right now, being allowed only to get four hours a night, and I feel guilty.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Comfort in domesticity

It never ceases to amaze me how much the accomplishment of domestic tasks soothe and comfort me. The slight edginess of indeterminate origin I found myself suffused with as soon as I got home today was relieved when I knew that a good dinner was in the oven, my room was straightened up, and a load of laundry was in the washer. Knowing that those things would soon be done relaxed me immensely, if only because they would bring about the state in which I am most content-- clean, pleasant, and comfortable.

Casey in The Pillowman

My parents were in town for Casey's play last night. Jared and I got in the car and drove into the city to meet my parents, my brother, and his girlfriend at Legal Seafood. We had an excellent dinner there, both in food and in company. I ordered an excellent swordfish dish in a mushroom-Marsala demi-glace, and a lovely crab cake for an appetizer-- I've been really craving crab lately. Jared also saw the Legal Seafood Cookbook in the window and asked if I'd like it for Christmas. :-) Excellent idea, my dear.

Then we walked through the snow and the cold to the Emerson theater where we'd be seeing Casey's play. They were putting on The Pillowman, a show I've heard of only because I knew Frances was in it last summer. It was very well-performed by the actors, my brother in particular; in fact, it had been so long since I'd see him onstage that I'd forgotten how good he was. The tech wasn't great and it was way too long, but overall it was an enjoyable, if strange and not totally transparent, play. I'd kind of like to ask Frances about some of the things that her character did, because I'm not sure I understood it all. At any rate, I was very proud of Casey's work.

Eggs!

Yesterday, I successfully made scrambled eggs!

...

I know what you're thinking-- you've been putting all this work into learning how to cook for the last year and a half, and you're all happy about making scrambled eggs? Well, smarty, I'll have you know I never made scrambled eggs before. I've never made any egg dish before; I never learned. I know that's usually the first thing people learn to do because it's so easy, but I just never did. I don't usually eat breakfast except when I'm home in Allentown, in which case my dad handles everything. So I had no press to try my hand at them.

But yesterday Jared wanted eggs before his LSAT, so I nervously attempted it. They came out great, and I am stupidly proud of myself.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Day of the readthrough

Yesterday was a busy, productive, and very positive day. Went to work and actually had enough stuff to keep me occupied for pretty much the entire time I was there. At quitting time I ran out of there and raced home to meet Bernie, with whom I was going to the Burlington mall. He wanted to restock his teas from Teavana, I wanted to finally get my hair cut. I think the last time I had it done was July, and I was really starting to look rough. It came out nicely, I think, though the stylist I got this time didn't style it with product like the last one did. As usual, no one noticed, but I'm just pleased that it looks good.

After I came out of the chair we raced back to Brandeis to pick up Steph. Bernie dropped us off at my house, where we found Frances sitting on the front step. A lovely surprise, certainly. We invited her to come to the grocery store with us, and she helped us prepare the dinner we planned for the cast. The main course I decided on was chicken chasseur, a Rachel Ray interpretation of a classic French dish with chicken in mushrooms, tomatoes, shallots, and white wine, browned on the stove then braised in the oven for forty-five minutes. I was momentarily thrown by the fact that I didn't seem to have any white wine left, so I took a chance and combined white wine vinegar with apple cider vinegar to sweeten it a little, and used that instead. I was relieved upon tasting it that it worked, with minimal change to the intended flavor of the dish. Green beans served as the accompanying vegetable, though I don't think I made quite enough for eleven people. Steph indeed made her delicious strawberry-filled empanadas for dessert, and Bernie brewed a pot of tea from his new Teavana haul. The cast seemed to very much enjoy it, though it turned out Charlotte was a vegetarian. Ah, well. Almost perfect, but not quite. If truth be told, I was kind of hoping to impress them with my multitalentedness. She acts, she directs, she writes, and she cooks too? Yowza! ;-) I know, I know, I'm pathetic.

After dinner came the readthrough. I had packaged the scripts beautifully in textured white envelopes and labled each one with the actor's name. I had this fantasy of, like, tracking each one of them down in a newsboy cap and handing them over, saying "This was messengered for you from the studio, miss." But I didn't really have time and it would have been too hard to figure out where everybody was without spoiling the effect. So I settled for passing them out at the readthrough, which was almost as satisfying.

The readthrough itself was amazing. It was so cool to hear the actors I'd chosen speak the material for the first time. They did a wonderful job, sometimes even managing to capture what I'd heard in my head, and I'm so excited to work with them all. I was extremely gratified by their understanding and appreciation of the script, and the way they all meshed together so well. I loved Kindness's instinctive grasp of his character, and so many of his line readings were spot-on. Jared, of course and as always, was wonderful, and even though I didn't even know him when I wrote this play, he unbelievably well embodies his part. He's such a fantastic actor. God, everyone was fantastic, and I could gush about them all day. Also, I think this gave me an idea of what stuff we'd need to work on as well, which will be helpful for my planning.

So I believe we are off to a strong start. I assigned them to memorize their lines over the break, and plan on doing my blocking over the next several weeks. I feel very good about this, and I am incredibly pleased that yesterday went so well.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Animal-baby

One of my coworkers apparently brought his baby to work and I overheard him discussing it in such a manner as at first I thought he was talking about having recently adopted a small animal rather than having had a new child.

I do like the happy-baby sounds, though. :-)

Fantasycraft character

Jared and I were discussing character generation last night, as he is trying to come up with a character for lightgamer*'s forthcoming four color superhero GURPS game. That lead me to give more thought to the character I'm building for captainecchi*'s Fantasycraft game.

I'm not great at figuring out what sort of build I want to play in tabletop games, mostly because in general rules systems are not interesting to me and most of that stuff is mechanically decided. So I just kind of grabbed a pre-gen off the table at random, a whatever-the-Fantastycraft-version-of-halfling-is "social assassin." While I can make excellent characters within a game I have completely designed, I have a hard time coming up with interesting personas in other people's scenarios because I have no idea what would fit in with the story and the world. (Thus my preference for pre-gens, not just built but characterized.)

So it took me a long time to figure out who I was going to be. For the first fifteen minutes or so, I just kind of responded generically to any in-game stimulus, kind of embarrassed that I didn't really have a character yet. Then suddenly it hit me-- I would have no filter. I liked the idea of a stealthy-social character that said whatever popped into her head, believing steadfastly in the idea that the best lies are the ones that have as much truth as possible in them. I named her Ophelia, partially because after playing so much Brutal Legend recently it was the only name I could think of, but I actually think the irony of it works. As it happened, Ophelia actually turned out to be really fun and funny to play. When it was clear that she was getting on the nerves of other party members, I dropped out of character for a moment and checked to make sure she wasn't annoying the players-- an indelicate, somewhat difficult personality like that can make it harder on other party members to get things done, and I wanted to make sure nobody felt like I was mucking up what they were trying to do. Fortunately, they seemed to be amused rather than annoyed.

So I think some version of this Ophelia is what I'm going to go with. I'm not sure what I want to do with her build, but some variant on the stealthy assassin character interests me. I like the idea of a blabbermouth assassin. :-) Of course, with her tendency to say whatever she's thinking at the moment, the "social" aspect of the character may not work as well as perhaps designed.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Acting like adults

Recently it was pointed out to me that the sign that I have utterly dismissed someone as having completely lost my respect (whether just for the moment or more lastingly) is when I call them a child.

I can't respect an adult who behaves like a child. I'm not talking about liking to play with Legos or blowing bubbles in your chocolate milk. I'm talking about being responsible for your actions and being held to a certain standard of behavior. The way I see it, adults are obliged to conduct themselves with a certain degree of accountability that means it's just not acceptable to do something unfair or irresponsible, especially in regards to the people around you.

The opposite is to be expected from the immature, the unformed. Children flake on their commitments. Children need people to hold their hand through obligations they find uncomfortable or unpleasant, or push them off on someone else. They whine, they don't control themselves or their emotions, they don't handle things maturely. These things grind my nerves like nothing else, and while I can put up with it from someone who's not grown up enough to handle themselves, I can't stand it in someone who should know better by now.

If you want these things, fine. But if you're going to act like a child, then I get to treat you like one. I don't consider your opinion to have much weight. I don't trust you with or count on you for anything. I do not accord you any particular esteem. Anything beyond basic human respect must be earned; it's not a right. It's a balance-- rights and responsibilities come together. I, and many of the people who make up my social circle, are at the stage of life where they are transitioning from childhood to adulthood. That means it's getting less and less understandable for grownup capabilities not to develop.

I don't know. Maybe my standards are unreasonable. Or maybe I'm just justifying what a grouch I am.

Monday, November 30, 2009

Readthrough dinner

I am back in Massachusetts now after a pleasant, if significantly more time-committed than I expected, visit home. It's good to be back. My day at work was shockingly full-- it doesn't rain but it pours here. The next thing on my agenda is preparing for the first readthrough of To Think of Nothing, which will happen this Wednesday night. I have my list of things to go over with the cast, and since we'll be meeting at Elsinore, I've decided I'd like to make them dinner. It's been a while since I made a big dinner, so it'll be fun for me to not only get to hear my new cast read my play, I'll get to feed them a delicious meal. Feeding them seems like a good way to ensure actor loyalty, eh? I am hoping to enlist Steph, who is also one of my actors, to help me with the cooking, and to contribute a lovely dessert. I should probably send out an e-mail reminding everyone, and check if anyone has any particular eating restrictions.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Wha?

I just saw a gas station attendant wearing Dolce and Gabbana. This confuses me on several levels.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Incomprehensible skin

God, my skin makes no sense to me. It seems to have become rather clear lately, despite the fact that I haven't been diligent with my acne wash recently. It could be that stuff just isn't good for me, but it seems like my skin gets better or worse randomly, regardless of the treatment or lack thereof it is recieving. I kind of want to just go to a dermetologist and say "What does my skin need to get clear?" and then actually know what the problem is the and the right way to deal with it. The trouble is that the insurance I'm on is kind of in flux lately, and I don't really have the extra cash to cover a visit on my own. Still, it might be worth looking into to see if I can actually do it.

Friday, November 27, 2009

Inherited domesticity

One thing that I'm grateful that I absorbed from my parents is my notion of the proper quality of domestic life. Every time I come back to my parents house I am reminded of just how pleasant, comfortable, and tasteful a home they always made for us. Even though I grew up there, I never quite appreciated how nice the home I grew up in was. But when I come back after not being around for a long time, I always marvel at how beautiful the decor is and how wonderfully clean it all is. And it still manages to avoid that uncomfortable, sterile feel that homes with elegant decor and extreme cleanliness sometimes have, instead keeping it inviting and totally liveable. That's all my mom's doing; she designed most of it herself. Also, cooking is their special hobby, so they taught me how great it was to eat well. Both my parents are excellent cooks, my mom in particular. Just looking around the place shows how big a part good cookery is of their lives. They have bunches of herbs hanging in the garage, drying after being picked straight from the garden in the backyard. There's a stack of cedar planks bundled in the pantry for grilling fish. Gorgeous copper pots hang from a beautiful rack above the stove.

I trace this as the source of my special love for the things that make a home beautiful and comfortable; tablecloths, nice furniture, curtains, china, baskets, all sorts of things of that nature. My desire to learn how to cook well comes from this as well. I don't think I ever realized how lucky I was. It has deeply influenced my own preferences, and I hope to one day be able to keep my own home with the same comfort and taste as my mom and dad do.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Thanksgiving 2009

Had a lovely Thanksgiving Day with my family today, spent cooking, watching The Closer marathon, and hanging out my parents and brother. Dinner was especially delicious this year, since we got a brined turkey this time around, and it came out juicier than it ever has before. And I don't care what Alton says, stuffing is fantastic, and ours came out wonderful. I'm still digesting after all that food, but I'd like to be able to have just one piece of pie before the night is over.

For some reason I found my thoughts wandering to if I hosted my own Thanksgiving, having my parents come up to Waltham and inviting all my friends. I'm not sure what makes me think of this, since I really enjoy the way my family puts on the holiday-- the food is delicious, the low-key family-only company is great, and generally things are happy and pleasant. Maybe I love it so much that I want to share it with my chosen family as well, but still, with the food and things the way I like them. :-) I would have to figure out a way to make it kosher, though; we use so much butter in the making of the meal, more than I ever realized before I took kosher concerns into considerations.

I want pie now. I'm still too stuffed, but I want pie.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Home for Thanksgiving

Got home to Pennsylvania today to spend Thanksgiving with my family. Rode six hours in the car with my brother and his girlfriend, then arrived home in the afternoon. Casey drove Sarah to her place while I helped my parents get dinner ready.

My dad has recently decided he'd like to try homebrewing, so he and I took a ride to the local restaurant supply store to pick up some equipment. I've always wanted to go to one of those, and it certainly did not disappoint. Alton Brown recommends them for cooking supplies because you can get professional-quality items at price far beneath what you'd find at retail. Pretty much any kind of cooking implement or serving vessel you could need can be found there, and I was delighted to look at all the neat, reduced-price kitchen things. My dad got, among other things, the twenty-quart stainless steel pot he needed for beer-making for fifty dollars-- an item you normally see at between three and four hundred. Score! I also got a giant stainless mixing bowl to take back to Massachusetts with me. I really want to go back when I have more time to browse, and a better idea of what my kitchen needs. I wonder if there's one in Waltham that I'd love to make a pilgrimage to with anyone who'd like to come. I think I'll do a little searching.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Housing grumbling

It occurs to me that I should have included one additional category on my outline of what's going on in my life right now that has an effect on my wellbeing and happiness, and that category is "housing."

I currently live at Elsinore, a house on South Street very close to Brandeis with four other people. There's a lot I like about the place. I like the setup of living in a house. My room is nice and big because I have the master bedroom. The location is incredibly convenient, within walking distance of a number of important things. I have space to entertain with dinners and parties. I have really appreciated these features of my living situation over the last year and a half I've lived there.

But still, living at Elsinore involves roommates. My dearest dream at the moment is to live alone, without having other people in my space with their irritating habits. In general, they're not bad; I have no real problem at all with one of them, though the other three tend to get on my nerves. But I really hate having to deal with the habits and mess of other people, and frankly I feel chased out of my own space a lot of the time. I'd really love to have a place that was just to myself. I worry though about the feasibility of finding a place I could afford by myself, and what I'd be sacrificing to have it. Probably wouldn't have space to entertain, which I do love. Would lose the lovely big bedroom. And the convenient proximity to important things would be a pain in the tail. Would I be giving up too many of the things that make me happy just to live by myself? I'm not sure, but it's something I'll have to think about as May comes around.

Still, I don't live well with other people, and when I'm at home I generally prefer to be alone. And I feel like a lot of problems stem from having to deal with other people to handle your problems. Here's an example. When zapf* and witticaster* moved out, one of my other roommates took over handling the household bills. By and large that's worked out, because we're all on the same bill for things like utiltiies, but I have never loved just having to trust someone else to handle my financial matters. But recently we got a big water bill from our landlord that put my monthly expenses up to an unreasonable level. I pointed out to my roommate who handles the bills that I was fairly certain when we first moved in we were told we would not pay for water; that would be encompassed by the rent. Basically he doesn't acknowledge me, just goes ahead with calculating what we all owe. I keep on with it, and finally get him to say he doesn't remember whether or not we ever paid for water before because he wasn't handling the bills back then. I am aghast; was he just handing over money without knowing what it was for? Does he expect me to do the same? So finally I call zapf* and ask him what the deal was; he confirms that at least when the initial group moved in a year and a half ago that was the agreement. I pass this on, and finally my roommate agrees to talk to the landlord about it.

I just couldn't believe my current roommate was so unaware of the situation, and was so hard to get to listen to me about this. Is he cool with just handing over that much extra money? I hate living with people! I just want to have to worry about myself.

Anyway, the one other issue of living at Elsinore is that when the lease for the first year ran out and people moved in and out for the new year, we were never given a new lease. Our landlord isn't exactly a bad landlord, but he doesn't get back to you about anything and everything he does so is on an enormous time delay. But I guess technically none of us are on the lease, due to no fault of our own, and I worry what would happen if we protest this water bill. I'm pretty sure that was the old agreement, but we don't have an agreement right now. Hell, I guess if he wanted to he could tell us to leave right now and we'd have no way to stop him. But that water bill pushes my monthly expenses beyond what I can easily handle, so I don't think I can just leave this be.

So, the one other aspect of my life affecting my life is this. Though not terrible and not without its advantages, is a source of stress, one that I am still trying to figure out how to deal with.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Rooms booked

I just booked Intercon hotel rooms for the merry intrepid congoers from Brandeis. We have only six people so far and room for two more, so if anyone wants to share with us, just let me know.

Just out of curiosity, a dumb question-- when do people typically book their hotel rooms for Intercon? Is around this time early or late? Because I did it in January last time, and I remember somebody remarking that I was cutting it unsually close. People do seem to be talking about it a lot earlier this year, which is what prompted me to take care of it. What is everyone else's experience?

Taking stock

Now that I've reached a sort of resting point, I thought I'd take stock of where I am right now and see where things stands.

Health and Body:
Not bad, probably could be feeling better. Just getting over a cold involving hacking and body aches and a general feeling of exhaustion brought on by being so busy. Haven't been eating as well as I should be, as I've mostly just been grabbing things as I go, and I haven't had time for my regular exercise routine in some time. Don't think there have been any weight effects yet, but I'm concerned. Mostly just feel a little bit off.

Relationships:
I love deeply and passionately, and so I am loved in return. Things brings me great joy and all the accompanying responsibilities and complications. :-) Jared and I are doing well, though it isn't always easy to balance how busy we are with spending quality time together. It occurs to me that we have been together for nearly three years now. :-) I have a great deal of good friends whose company I enjoy and look forward to enjoying more of. I fear I may have recently lost a friendship, which I am sad about, but honestly if that's the way it must be I can handle it. I am on good terms with my parents, as I pretty much always have been, though I worry for them for various troubles they're facing. Other significant relationships I manage as best and as honorably as I can.


Work and Finances:
I am currently employed at the educational non-profit Educational Development Center in Newton. It's not my ideal position, but it's nice for my first out-of-college job to be contributing to a worthy cause like improving education rather than something pointless. The pay is decent but I don't get many hours as I am still only part-time. I also have a lot of downtime to work on my own projects, which I confess I enjoy. :-)

Also, for the first time I am truly financially independent of my parents. This is a point of pride for me, since they've always been generous with their support and since I'm really not making much money. Things are a bit tight, and I'm still new to this worrying about money thing, so sometimes the stress really gets to me. I'm still working on figuring out how to keep things within reason without stressing constantly over it. Still, I seem to be managing.

Education:
Not currently attending school but I am considering going to grad school in the near future. Not exactly sure for what, or where, but for something related to English certainly. I just took the GRE and did pretty well, which is quite a load off my mind. I am currently doing research and trying to figure out what it is I want.

Vanity:
Looking pretty good lately, though I have my concerns. I've been making an effort lately to dress stylishly at all times lately, including coordinating my accessories (scarf and gloves, belt and shoes, jewelry, etc) and trying to have lots of nice basics like boots and coats, avoiding anything that looks schlubby. Mentioned I'm afraid my lousy diet may lead to weight gain, but hasn't yet. Really should try to work out again when I'm home for Thanksgiving. Oddly enough, despite the stress and the falling off my acne treatment routine, my skin is clearer than it's been in ages, which pleases me. Maybe that stuff I've been using just isn't good for me. Also, in pretty dire need of getting my hair done since it's gotten so long, but not sure it's in the budget at the moment.

Art and Creative Pursuits:
Feeling pretty fulfilled here. Just had some excellent runs of the games I've written, which made me very proud. Am currently working on The Labor Wars with AE Games and considering which of my own larp writing projects to focus on next. Torn between the Clue idea and trying to develop the Peter Pan idea. Also, I have just cast my one-act play To Think of Nothing, which I will be co-directing for Hold Thy Peace. This is very exciting, and I have all of winter break to prepare for it.

The Verdict:
Things are pretty good right now and I have a lot to be thankful for. There remain certain stressors that I don't want to get into detail about that unfortunately have a tendency to drag me down regardless of how I'm feeling about everything else. But it's good to know that I've got a lot going for me, and that not everything is a struggle.
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