Musings on beauty standards across the genders

 
This piece is a little disjointed, and doesn't really make a strong point, but here's a little bit of feminist rambling that's been in my head recently.A huge part of gender inequality is when there is an expectation of one gender that there isn't of another. For example, in this country there is much more social pressure on women to be physically beautiful in order to be valuable than there is on men, and the standards a woman must meet in order to be considered beautiful are much stricter than any set for men. This inequality troubles me, but I think I'm even more bothered by wondering whether or not I perpetuate it.

Though it's by no means a firm rule, to a large extent I buy into the purported female beauty standard. Thought not sexually drawn to women myself, I tend to most enjoy looking at those women who conform to it, and I certainly strive to cultivate it in myself. But in the men I'm attracted to, there is way, way less of a pattern. I may be able to say I tend to find women most beautiful when they're sleekly-built and delicate-featured, but even if I described what I might think of as my male beauty ideal-- strong-built, traditionally masculine, features on the broader and squarer side --that has hardly defined what men I ended up feeling attracted to. Hell, I can name features I actively don't like that I have not minded and not seen as a detraction in the slightest on certain men.

It bugs me that in feeling this way I might be holding women to a higher, more difficult standard than men. Sure, part of it may be that I like a dichotomy. I like women one way and I like men another; I tend to not, for example, like excessively delicate features on men whereas I might fine the same pretty on a woman. I guess when you like a dichotomy you can't expect that the same standards could apply to both. But it bothers me that some of those things that I like in women require a lot more work of than the things I like in men. Body hair removal, for example. I despise body hair on myself. But on men, well, even if I don't specifically like it, I guess it doesn't really bother me. On the other hand, even if we say I like thin women and muscular men, and that still usually involves extra effort and work put in to their appearence since they probably don't look that way naturally. In that sense the standard and expectation is the same. But a man who is a little bit chunky gets a lot less criticism for it than a woman who might be the same amount chunky. Again I, and the rest of society, tend to make the man's beauty a nice bonus to gettting the Attractiveness status while the women's beauty is a requirement for it.

I remember back during the height of The Sopranos' popularity that James Gandalfini, the actor who played the boss main character Tony Soprano, became an extremely mainstream sex symbol. I was quite shocked. Can you possibly imagine this happening with a middle-aged, overweight, not-conventionally-attractive woman? Not in a million years. The handful of female sex symbols who've held that status into their forties and beyond were the ones that kept their figures and didn't look their age. Of course, nobody said James Gandalfini was beautiful. They just thought he was sexy because of his attitude, his bearing, any number of intangible things that women latched onto. Because in our society, it's a hell of a lot easier for men to be unbeautiful and still attain that status than it is when you're a woman.

Sometimes I think that if I were a straight man I'd be an awful one. Assuming in that case I'd be attracted to the same sort of things I find beautiful in myself, my notions of feminine beauty would be pretty unfairly demanding. I wouldn't be able to keep a girlfriend because I'd probably make her feel awful about herself. "Sure, honey, of course you could stand to lose a few pounds. Wait, where you going?" "Hmm, been a couple days since you shaved, huh? Hey, come back!" It's not quite so bad if I'm just applying exacting criticism to myself, but I think I'd be disgusted with myself if I insisted on it from anyone else. Especially since I don't have nearly as exacting standards for attractiveness in men. Yeah, he might have this feature I'm not objectively into, or something that's obviously less than my ideal notion of attractiveness, but it doesn't really affect the fact that I am attracted to him anyway. With women, though, I'm much more likely to fixate on little imperfections.

I remember having a conversation with morethings5* (one of my best feminism-talking buddies) once about how critical we could be about the appearances of people of our own gender, noticing all kinds of little flaws that could compromise an assessment of that person as "beautiful," and wondering if that tendency would remain constant if we were attracted to that gender. But he thought that if we switched genders, our critical targets would switch too; if I were a man, my harsher standard of beauty would apply to men, and I wouldn't need perfection to be attracted to a woman, while he would be the same with the opposite. His point being, I think, that attraction may be influenced by a lot of things, but we tend to be drawn to the whole rather than the sum of the parts.

I hope Jonathan is right. I hope that this doesn't mean I've actually really internalized that men are just fine as they are, but women need to conform to an extremely narrow beauty standard that they must go to great lengths to alter themselves to fit. I hope it's that when attractiveness is a personally relevant question on the table, you tend to answer yes or no, but when that's not an issue on the table you focus more on the parts because the whole has less impact on you.

I was out a little while ago with Steph and Chris Knight, and when the subject of male and female expectations of beauty came up in passing, Chris said something that I thought was a profoundly insightful way to conceptualize it. Basically, he said from his perspective men care about the broad strokes of a woman's appearence, and don't really pay attention to, or worry about, the details. They might want to see a woman with a particular nice shape, but they don't notice the small imperfect lumps and bumps. Or they might prefer a woman with shaved legs, but they don't notice a little stubble or a few missed hairs. The details aren't important, just the general effect.

I actually like thinking of it that way. I mean, you can make all the jokes you want bitching about how we pretty ourselves up for men in countless little ways and then they don't even have the presence of mind to notice it. But I like the notion that while there is a desire for us to be attractive, being just "attractive" is absolutely good enough, and we don't have to worry about being perfect. Because in the real world, perfect isn't a necessary component to being attractive. It makes the expectations less oppressive, because it eases the sense of demand laid on us. Pretty or attractive is attainable. Perfection is not, and in that paradigm the burden of the unattainable is not placed on us.

In case this doesn't go without saying, I don't feel like enjoying, or desiring, pretty is a bad thing. It shouldn't be the ONLY thing we enjoy or desire, but I think it's normal and acceptable thing to like. The problem comes in, in my opinion, when the value placed on pretty supercedes the value of other things that are more important, or becomes the sole indicator of value. And it's particularly troublesome to me when that not only happens but is applied to one gender but not the other. Hell, I am bothered especially by the notion that a Valuable Man must be smart, strong, brave, and good, while a Valuable Woman must be smart, strong, brave, good, and BEAUTIFUL.

See the relationship between Jaime and Brienne in A Song of Ice and Fire for a fantastically observantly-written example of this phenomenon in our culture. Brienne is AWED by Jaime, even though at first she thinks he's a monster, because he's an extremely beautiful man. Since our sensibilities state that men are not required to be beautiful in order to be Valuable, Jaime's beauty makes him seem ABOVE AND BEYOND even simple Valuable status; to her, he's almost superhuman. She regarded Renly, also a remarkably beautiful man, the same way. And Jaime, in turn, is fascinated by the extremity of Brienne's ugliness, because sensibilities dictate that for a woman to be Valuable she MUST be beautiful. To not only be not beautiful but to be downright UGLY makes her almost subhuman.

One thing I know makes me feel better is when the standards are the same regardless of gender, even if though standards might in themselves be high. I was messing around on the Internet looking idly for pictures of Chris Evans (shut up) and one thing struck me. Well, two things, the first of which being I am significantly less attracted to him when he's not Captain America. The second thing, though, was that in various pictures of him, it became clear that he normally has a fair bit of body hair. But for his role as Cap, they waxed his chest. I am a little bit embarrassed to confess that this possibility did not even occur it me, though it totally should have. *eye roll* But I found that to be an interesting moment of equalization for me. I am a lot less bothered by the idea that PEOPLE are considered prettier when they don't have body hair than when it's an expectation that is only applied to women. Again, it's fine to enjoy looking at pretty things, but what's good for the goose should be good for the gander. It's really not fair to say that women are only attractive one way while men can be attractive lots of different ways.

I would like my sensibilities to fall somewhere in the middle. That yeah, maybe we all do look better if we go to some lengths such as shaving or something like that, but even when we don't that doesn't mean we aren't still attractive, aren't still desirable-- both women and men. And maybe throw in there that if men can be desirable even if they're not pretty, then we need to expand that so that society starts to internalize that women can be too.

Biweekly Theater Writing Challenge #5 - 10-Minute Play based on The Stand

This was written for my first assigned ten-minute play. As I mentioned, it is inspired by some of the backstory of my larp The Stand. I'm actually pretty happy with this, though I imagine I will want to revise the draft. For the posting here, I have changed the names that actually appeared in The Stand to avoid spoilers, so it should be safe to read if you still want to play the game. To those of you who have played, I'll happily tell you who these characters actually are, in case it's not already obvious.

            (A man dressed as a cowboy, RED JED PORTER, sits outside a canvas tent, holding a rag compress to a wound in his shoulder. A young woman in frontier garb, POLLY WALKER, comes out of the tent to check on him.)

POLLY: You sure you’re all right there?

JED: Nothing but a scratch, love. I dug bigger’n that out of my shoulders before.

POLLY: Let’s have a look.         

(She lifts the compress to look at the wound.)

POLLY: The bleeding’s slowed. You should be all right, thank God.

JED: Takes more than a peashooter like that to slow down Red Jed Porter. Still, wouldn’t have thought folks at a trading post would have that much fight in them. No matter, was worth the furs we nabbed.

POLLY: I suppose.

JED: Sure were. Beaver and bear and rabbit. We’ll get a good price for them.         

(POLLY doesn't respond.)

JED: And how are you, missy?

POLLY: I ain’t hurt.

JED: Not that. You been awful quiet since we got back to camp.       

(Pause.)

JED: I know things went bad in there.

POLLY: It was just... that inside man of yours. Diego having to shoot him.

JED: Yeah. Wasn't expecting him to turn on us like that.

POLLY: Seeing that was awful hard.

JED: Folk’s gotten killed before on our jobs.

POLLY: I know, hon… just not with their family right there looking at them.

JED: Yep. That was rough and no mistake.         

(Pause.)

POLLY: Did you see his wife there?

JED: I did.

POLLY: You see how big she was? She’s going to have a baby soon.

JED: Most like.

POLLY: I never knew they was having a baby.

JED: Nor I. He didn't say nothing to me about it. But ain’t no surprise to me, Polly. Men often get into rough work when they’re going to have more mouths to feed.

POLLY: And there was that little girl.

JED: We didn’t hurt none of them.

POLLY: She was right there when her papa got cut down.

JED: It's a crying shame. That man done them real wrong not seeing them safely away. Best put it out of your mind, hon.

POLLY: My God, Jed, we got their daddy killed.

JED: I could do nothing for him, Polly. He knew what he was getting into.

POLLY: I know he did.

JED: Was his choice to do the job with us.

POLLY: I never even knew his name. Did you?

JED: Sure.

POLLY: What was it?

JED: It was Fred, love. He was Fred Gable.          

(Pause.)

JED: Look here, love, the man was a damn fool. Way we planned it, nobody had to get hurt. We made a real sweet deal with him. Should have known better than to try and sell our gang out.

POLLY: Sure should have. But... did Diego have to kill him, though? Right there with his gravid wife and daughter looking on?

JED: Polly, you was there. The man went yellow on us. He was going to give up the whole scheme. Diego had to take care of him or he would have done for us all.

POLLY: He would have done for us because he didn’t want no trouble going on in front of his family.

JED: He knew we was coming. He didn’t have to bring them there. Sure it’s a terrible thing to put a man down before his baby girl’s eyes, but he didn’t leave us no choice!

POLLY: Can’t you do something, though?

JED: Weren't me that pulled the trigger on him.

POLLY: That's right, love. If you thought it was right, it would have been. You're the boss, Jed. If you don't like it, you could say something.

JED: It's not that simple, hon.

POLLY: Diego worships you. He listens to what you tell him.

JED: What you want me to say, Polly? That he's gotta be a kinder, gentler outlaw?

POLLY: I don't know. He's just so fast hauling off with that gun.

JED: Times like that, staying your hand's a good way to get a body killed. Back there, Diego took care of business. It's a hard thing.

POLLY: He’s a hard boy.

JED: Have to be, to run with a life like ours.                             

POLLY: I don’t think that’s so.

JED: Course it is, Polly. We got to do what we got to do.

POLLY: You ain’t like that, Jed. You don’t just fire a bullet to solve all your troubles. You're clever and brave and not just some murdering bandit. Everybody knows you for that.

JED: That’s for sure. Ain’t no man this side of the territory hasn’t heard of Red Jed Porter. Or his best gal Polly Walker neither.

POLLY: Remember the first time we saw us in the papers?

JED: That was after we ran off with half the stock in the Gregson Cattle Company. Weren’t that a thrill!

POLLY: Remember how you talked that rancher into hiding his herd in the ravine to protect them from rustlers?

JED: When the rest of the gang was down there waiting to make off with them.

POLLY: And what about the time you disguised yourself as a preacher to find where that rich widow hid her good silver?    
 
(JED laughs.)

POLLY: And what about the time you outrode a whole team of marshals to lead them away from our camp?

JED: That was a wild ride, to be sure.

POLLY: That’s why you’re the biggest bandit in the west, love. Ain’t no gunshots did that. That’s why I came out here with you.

JED: And you stuck it out with me all this time. Was better than I could have believed.

POLLY: I'd follow you to hell gates, Jed. Course I'd follow you here.

JED: Of course, a gal like you was never going to spend forever in that one-horse town. You were going to want something more. And we got a lot out here. Freedom, adventure. Being together. I know times like these it ain’t always pretty, but you been happy, right?

POLLY: Of course I been. But... you ever think you'll have enough of it?

JED: Enough of what, the outlaw life?

POLLY: With the killing and such. I swear, Jed, I been glad to be out here with you, but do we want to still be sticking up wagons and rustling cattle when we're old fellows?

JED: True it ain't going to be easy to weather bullet wounds when I'm a graybeard. Maybe you could make a nice little prairie marm, Polly, but I'm not sure with this old reputation of mine I ever could settle down into some little town like I was some respectable gentleman.

POLLY: Nobody'd have to know what you really were. It’s your name that’s famous, not your face. With a different name they might not think anything of you.

JED: I suppose that's something. But what if they ever found out? They’d hang me soon as look at me.

POLLY: Might be.

JED: I fear that may not be for me until I'm a real old graybeard, love.         

(Pause.)

JED: It ain’t always like it was today. Tomorrow we’ll move on from here, and things will be like they always are. You’ll forget about this in time.         

(Pause.)

JED: Best get to packing, love. We’re moving out in the morning.        

(JED stands and goes into the tent. POLLY sits alone, looking off into the distance.)

Tony is Coming

Ha!



That is all.

A kinder, gentler Phoebe

I have recently started a campaign to be a nicer person. I am trying to be less irritated about trivial annoying things, I have tried to cut people slack when they do things that bother me, and I am definitely trying to never let me anger influence how I treat the people around me. I am trying to smile more, to be friendlier than the normal somewhat forbidding vibe I give off. Though I'm not sure I want to completely change it, I'd like to come off as a little more approachable, and definitely not have people think of me as quite so angry or judgy as they frequently do. I think I've done pretty well lately. Unfortunately I think it's coming off lately more as "Phoebe is less angry lately" rather than "Phoebe is managing her anger better." *Sigh* Oh, well. As long as people see me as being nice, I guess it doesn't really matter if I'm doing it easily or doing it with effort.

Courtship roles, reversed

Someday I want to write something that pointedly subverts all the male-female courtship tropes. I want to reverse all the things we tend to expect for people's behavior during the building of a romantic relationship, having the man inhabit the woman's traditional role and vice versa. And I want to do it in a way in which they both come off as otherwise totally normative examples of their gender. I'm not talking about writing a butch woman and a feminine man. I'm talking about two people who are in every way cisgendered and even "normal" for their gender, but do not conform to the traditionally assigned roles that people expect to be filled for two straight people in a romantic relationship, because these things come from society, not anything in our nature.

Once I had an idea for something in which the protagonist was a sort of knight-errant figure who devotedly served and fought to save the kindgom of the beautiful, virtuous royal they loved from afar, in sort of the kind of relationship that Link and Zelda have in the Legend of Zelda video games. Only in this version, the knight would be the woman, and the object of the courtly love would be a wise and beautiful prince. I love that idea. I'd like to explore the notion that our traditional courtship roles are one of the most artificially constructed aspect of our gender norms. There's so much that we've settled on as the model for how these things works. Who is the pursuer and who is the pursued. What qualities make which partner "attractive." The things we're expected to want out relationships. Et cetera. I want to mess with all of those tropes, show that they're external to our expression of our gender and it doesn't change who we are based on what expected behaviors we express.

Sewing project progress: Jared's checked apron, part IV, and my first sad attempt at a dress

Earlier this week I bought a sewing box in which to store all the bits and bobs my mom passed on to me along with the sewing machine. It was nice to clear all those notions off the table and into clearly organized compartments. And of course, immediately after clearing up my workspace I messed it all up again by diving back into projects.

I decided to try my hand this past weekend at making my very first dress. Perhaps a little overambitious given my current level of experience (two unfinished aprons, one hemmed shower curtain, one hand-sewn skirt) but I had a fairly easy sheath dress pattern and I figured why not take a stap at it. I bought a couple of long skirts at the thrift store made of very pretty fabric that were too long and unweildy for me to want to wear, with the intention of tearing open the seams and reusing the fabric for my own purposes. One was a silky red with gold Asian-style embroidery in it, the other very dark plum with a subtle black floral print.

I started off well enough. I decided to use the red material first, so I ripped out the seams and laid out the fabric. The skirt was more than long enough to make myself a knee-length dress out of it. So I folded it in half and carefully laid out the dress's front pattern piece on it so that the fold matched up with the appropriate center line on the pattern. I pinned it into place, though I was a bit distressed to see how much damage that did to the pattern. Then I cut it. It was hard even with my rotary cutter, but I was slow and careful, and when I unfolded it I had a really precise replica of the pattern piece that unfolded into a perfect symetrical dress front. Immensely please with myself, I went to the mirror and held it up to myself...

...only to see that the damn thing stopped only a litlte bit below my hips. Way too short for a dress. Bewildered, I ran back to look at my pattern piece, and upon examination realized I had cut the hem at the wrong line, way, way shorter than it was actually supposed to be. And not only had I ruined the fabric for this purpose, I'd cut up the pattern piece wrong now as well.

I kind of lost my temper at that. This is a real problem I've been having lately in a lot of situations, and this time was no different. I was very annoyed with myself for messing up this pretty fabric with such a stupid mistake (which is not unusable for anything, but there's not enough of it to make the dress I'd intended unless I seam together two pieces into the front piece) and frustrated at all the effort I'd wasted. I probably should have backed off until I cooled down a little, but I had a bit of a problem with letting go of the notion of "not for nothing." I wanted to keep working until I actually accomplished something, goddamn it. So, with not nearly the proper amount of patience I should have had for the task, I proceeded to rip the seams of the purple skirt and try again.

I should know by now that when I try to cut corners and not take the proper care, things don't come out very well. And by that point I was too frustrated to do that. So I made all kinds of stupid mistakes. For some reason it didn't occur to me to tape the pattern back together at that point, so when I cut it I just kind of estimated where the full length of the skirt would be. I ended up trying to keep the very nice invisible zipper the skirt had built into it so I didn't have to put on in myself, but that meant I didn't remove all the top seams of the skirt the way I should. When I cut the front piece out, it had to have the opposite side seam running down the middle because there wouldn't have been enough fabric otherwise. The skirt's top waist seams made the seams I used to attach the straps to way too fat and ungainly when I turned them inside out. I tried to fit the thing on myself by having blendedchaitea* pin it together on me in the right places, but it proved too hard to keep those pins where they belonged when I tried to get it off again. So the fitting's all off. And it's asymmetrical all over the place, mostly because I wasn't as carefully with the cutting, and wasn't as precise as I should have been when folding the edges of the cuts under to be sewn. The neckline isn't terrible, but you can clearly see how much lower the one arm hole is than the other. Behold the silly thing in all its wonky, unhemmed glory.

 

So, lesson learned. I cannot do this unless I'm going to put in the time, care, and effort to do things right. Bernie helped me tape the pattern back together to a useable state, so I am going to try this again as soon as I have time. To be honest, I don't know if this dress is unsalvageable. I'll have to rip out a lot of seams, but I think if I'm careful I can make them nicer, if not nice. And I never did put in any of the darts the pattern suggests to help with fitting. I like the fabric enough to go to the effort.

 

In less complicated and more successful sewing news, I decided to put seam binding around the edge of Jared's apron to neaten up the look and cover the wiggly stitching. I also ripped out the belt I put in because when Jared tested it he thought it rode a little too low. I'll have to reattach it with him present so he can point to exactly where he wants it to hit on him.

Wasn't my original plan to have a black border going all the way around like that, but it was something Bernie suggested at the beginning and I actually like the look of now that I've done it. My seams are getting straighter too, and this gave me an opportunity to practice more.

It's MY phone, dude, talk to ME.

Yesterday I went to the Apple store to get my phone fixed. I called my dad on Bernie's phone but didn't get him, asking him to call me back at that number because I wanted his opinion on how I should handle the various possibilities for fixing the phone. After that the service guy came to talk to me about the problem. He explained it decently well, but I noticed he kept looking over to Bernie as he talked to me, making a particular effort to include him in the conversation. Before long, I was getting the distinct impression that his looks that way were basically meant to convey "Are you listening, dude? 'Cause you're probably going to have to help her with this later, so you'd better hear what's going on." Like he didn't trust that if he only spoke to me that I'd understand well enough for the problem to get resolved. And I am extremely offended by this.

I might have read the situation wrong. He might have just been trying to politely include Bernie in the discussion because Bernie was standing right next to me and it was either that or ignore him. But I've gone to the Apple store with Bernie many times before, usually to deal with Bernie's machines, and I don't remember any of the technicians trying to engage ME in the discussion just because I happened to be there.

It's probably not just that I'm a girl. It's probably just as much about being a girl that looked the way I did. I certainly think my clothes worked against me. I was wearing what I wore to work, which was nice even for my normal work standards, a white eyelet wrap dress, silver jewelry, black heels. It's an expensive dress and it looks it; I got it as a handmedown from my mother. I happened to be carrying my black patent Gucci bag, a lucky consignment find which I normally save for special occasions, because it matched my shoes. Very feminine, very upscale-looking. In addition to being a man, Bernie, by contrast, looks a significantly more practical person than someone in heels and eyelet. Maybe I should have worn jeans and a nerdy T-shirt (:-P) instead. Maybe if I hadn't been dressed in a way that screamed "I care about clothes and the way I look," maybe he would have given me more credit for being able to understand my technology. Because apparently these two things cannot exist in a person simultaneously.

And then, to top it all off, as the conversation was winding down but was not yet over, my Dad called me back. I had to pick up because I'd asked him to call Bernie's phone, and I didn't want to leave him hanging, but I had to excuse myself from talking to the guy... which allowed him to fully engage the conversation with Bernie... so I could talk to my dad. This bugged the hell out of me. I mean, Dad didn't do anything, I'd called him and asked him to call me back because I wanted his opinion, but Jesus Christ, did I feel like the Little Girl while the Men talked technical stuff while I had to go get instructions from Daddy.

I am pissed at this guy, and I am pissed at myself. It occurred to me more than once to say, "Don't talk to him, talk to me, it's my phone." But I didn't because I didn't think the guy meant any harm, and I didn't want to come off as a bitch in case he was just trying to be polite by not totally ignoring the other person present. But I wish I had said something, very nicely and not aggressively, asking him to please tell ME about MY technology and not the MAN standing next to me.

No, I don't know technology as well as Bernie does. But it's not because I'm a girl, it's because I'm less interested. If I cared to, there is nothing stopping me. Don't make presumptions about my intelligence because of my gender, or how nicely I'm dressed. It's not okay to assume that pretty girls must be dumb

It's rare that I feel treated differently for being a woman. But this time I very much did, and it's really upsetting to be patronzied like that. This guy treated me wrong, but I failed too by not standing up for myself. And I am pissed at myself for not saying anything.

Status update

Finished my first blank verse assignment. Jesus Christ, that was hard. My brain felt like melted Jell-o by the time I was done with it. I can't put off starting on the next verse piece for too long or it will be harder than it has to be, but I definitely needed a mental rest after that.

Now I have started on a ten-minute play for my next regular drama assignment, which as I mentioned involves a PC and an NPC from The Stand. I am quite pleased with it so far; these were always some of my favorite characters in this game, and this is a dramatization of something that actually happened in the backstory of the larp, though I am considering changing the ending so that the scene ends on a more climactic note. I will post it here as I've been posting my other pieces, but it's a bit spoilery if you haven't played the game, so I may post it with the names changed so that people can read it even if they still want to play.

Oz has filled at Bridgewater Larp Day. Still awaiting a number of casting questionnaires, but it looks to be a good cast. I haven't run Oz in over a year now, but because it's relatively small at fifteen players even with five previous runs it didn't completely exhaust the player pool. Looking back over the materials, I am amused with the ways I emulated the novel's sense of slightly disjointed fantasy. I love, in particular, the weird and silly names I picked, like Dapperjohn Greatgourd and Glinda Aralinda. For some strange reason one of the most satisfying things I find about writing is to that when you come up with a name, people who read or perform or play your work will use it. So when people go around in my game calling each other Jubilation and Perpetua and Phineas because I chose those names, it gives me a real warm fuzzy.

Soon I am going to start taking an adult beginner ballet class. It was by blendedchaitea*'s suggestion, and I'm really excited. That's something I've always kind of wanted to do but never really had time for it, but now seems like the right time to work it in. I want to get more into dancing, as well as have an exercise habit I actually enjoy. And it will be fun to go to it with Rachel.

Also trying to get some household stuff accomplished. Yesterday I got a box with plastic dividers in it to hold all my various sewing odds and ends. So I organized my work table and got everything put away. Then I promptly messed up the space all over again working on some projects. It's funny how often I mess up my room because I'm busy doing something, then spend a day cleaning it up so I have space to start another project that messes everything up again.

Finally, yesterday my iPhone battery broke. It will work as long as it's plugged in, but it won't hold charge anymore. I'm going to have to go to the Apple Store today to get them to take a look at it. My mom mentioned my brother had sort of a similar problem with his, and when he took it in they just gave him a brand new replacement phone. His is newer than mine, though, I think, so mine may not be under warranty anymore. And I know we're getting to the point where we're all eligible for upgrades. So I'm not sure what the most efficient response to this is. God knows I rely on that damn thing for just about everything.

Saturday picnic for As You Like It

 
As you may know, Jared is going to be portraying the wicked elder brother Oliver in a production of As You Like It. usernamenumber* is in this show as well as Touchstone, one of Shakespeare's awesome fools. It will be going up in Seven Hills Park in Davis Square the weekend of September 8th - 11th. I would like to plan a lovely potluck picnic dinner in the park before the show on Saturday the 10th and I would like you all to be there with me. The show is at 8PM, so I figured we could arrive in the park around 6, and play and eat and hang out together in the park for a while before we watch. Please let me know if you can come that day, and if you would like to make anything for the picnic, that would be very welcome! And feel free to bring anyone else you know you might like to come.

I am looking forward to your company, so I hope you all can join me there! Remember, the show is FREE. And if you can't come on Saturday but can come to another night, let me know that too, as I'll be going to all four shows and would be glad to make separate plans with you as well. :-

Biweekly Theater Writing Challenge #4 - Palamon mocking Zephyrus in blank verse

This is the first part of what I submitted for my blank verse assignment, in which my beloved Palamon critiques his actor brother Zephyrus's acting arms. I'm not a hundred percent pleased with it, as the language is not perfect. I had to make a lot of concession in word choice to fit the meter, and in word choice and structure because I've been warned to not use "archaic" diction. :-P Not sure this is how I want characters in this universe, specifically the one in which To Think of Nothing takes place, to talk. Not sure Palamon sounds enough like Palamon. But for an early attempt at writing in this form, I think I managed relatively smooth lines of poetry. Judge for yourself how well I did.

(ZEPHYRUS stands center, delivering the end of a monologue.)

ZEPHYRUS: “…I cannot be content with that! To live and know that for the woman I love I have never dared to try? Must we not be willing to suffer all hurts for those we love? For her I would suffer this hurt. I fear to speak may break me, but this is a greater thing than fear, more right than any rightness I have known. Her goodness has so long stayed with me, held close to my heart, that I feel that I am stronger for having carried her. So that I could not only love her, but I could beg her to love me.”

(Once finished, he pauses in stillness a moment, then drops character.)

ZEPHYRUS: My brother is a critic. They say he’s one of the best in the whole world of theater. The problem is, whenever I perform, I can’t help but imagine him criticizing me.

(Lights up on PALAMON, sitting off to the side slumped in a chair, watching him. ZEPHYRUS looks to him for a response.)

ZEPHYRUS: Well, Palamon? What do you think?

PALAMON: Do you realize whenever you emote
You raise your arms in the same forceful way?
I swear the stage beneath your feet is just
Your beacon cue to make those very arms.

ZEPHYRUS: What are you talking about?

(PALAMON stands and exaggeratedly imitates the shape of ZEPHYRUS’s arms.)

PALAMON: Look here and see yourself at work. With these,
I feared you meant to come and tackle me.
You act a man less than a charging bear.

ZEPHYRUS: I do not do that all the time!

PALAMON: Oh, no, it’s nothing that Zephyrus does;
All men he plays just seem to show the quirk.
I think your arms would state for all the world,
“Look here! I, Zephyrus, am acting now!”
But I suppose you’ve never noticed that.

ZEPHYRUS: Why do you think that?

PALAMON: Because you cannot seem to stop yourself.
Enough you make your bear-arms by mistake;
Far worse to wreck them on us with intent.

ZEPHYRUS: Do you have to make such fun of me?

PALAMON: How else am I to get it through your head?
It’s not as if you are inclined to hear.
You hate to hear an outside word except
For total admiration of your work.

ZEPHYRUS: Of course it’s impossible to be less cruel when you critique.

PALAMON: Oh, yes, I am indeed so cruel to you,
To dare suggest you’re not the perfect mask.
I don’t know why you’d think to come to me.
You don’t care at all to improve your art.

ZEPHYRUS: That is not true! How dare you?

PALAMON: Does this truth wound you deeply as the last?
Indeed you don’t much care to hone your craft,
Or else you mend, not hide, the ways you lack.
You take the boards to strut and crow your way
To the attention of sweet simple souls
Too facile to form opinions strong.
So what is it that makes you think of me?
You’re not adored enough by all your fans?
You need such cloying nonsense from me too?
I’d no idea I owed my brother lies.
Should I then lie to you? Speak you
Things that I do not believe at all,
Only to spare from pricks your wounded pride?
I will not cosset your vanity too,
And compromise the true worth of my praise.
My word carries some weight, my brother dear,
And I have reputation to uphold.
I have no mercy when it comes to this.

ZEPHYRUS: Is that really what you think of me? It’s not your mercy but your justice I want. My God, brother, sometimes I think the bad is all you’ll say.

PALAMON: By God, brother, sometimes it’s all I see.

(Exit PALAMON.)

Work likes me

Apparently they like me at my job. This makes me happy, as I actually kind of like it here and I've been making a real effort to be useful to have and pleasant to deal with. It's nice to feel like effort is paying off and that I'm actually doing something right. Honestly I think it would be more notable if I WASN'T doing a good job at some of this stuff; most of my job is pretty easy, like the document formatting that I've gotten particular praise for, but it's nice that people think well anyway. There's even been talk of offering me something full-time, which at one point was something I would have really wanted (I worked part-time against my preference for a year and three-quarters) but now that I have schoolwork to do again I'm not sure how many more hours I can take on and not spend every free moment doing homework. Despite the fact that I don't have classes to go to my course load is actually pretty substantial, and even now I'm having trouble fitting it all in. Still, I could certainly use the extra cash. I took out my very first loans ever to pay for grad school, and with that debt it makes me think I should be preparing to cover it as early as possible.

My boss says she wants to talk to me on Monday about my future with the company, strongly implying that what they want is for me to committ more time to working here in some way. I don't know if she means planning on working here for some time to come, or taking on something full-time, or what. She said I should take the weekend to think about what I might want. But I'm not sure what I want. I do like it here, and this seems to work well while I'm doing graduate school. But the truth is that being an admin isn't exactly my ideal job. Hell, my ideal job is actually writing for a living, but that can take a very long time of building a career as a writer before you can totally rely on it. For a lot of people it never really becomes their full-time job. Having a decent day job that pays well and where they like me and I know I can do well isn't a bad thing to have when your "true work," as I call it, isn't something that's easy to support yourself with. But even then, I'd kind of hoped my day job would be something more in my field, like being an editor or something like that. Still, I hadn't had any success finding myself that kind of position thus far, and I'd still have to be pursuing wriitng separately from my day job, whatever that day job may be. So maybe it's worth it to take what opportunities are offered to me, since it won't change my pursuit of my true work.

At the very least, I'm planning on staying here through my two years of grad school. But I'll have to think about anything beyond the scope of that.

"Man of the Theater"

I've always liked this image for some twisted reason. In a kinky way I like the bizarre way my body looks with the ace bandage crisscrossing my chest and changing my shape. It was taken by Jordi Goodman during Romeo and Juliet tech week, when I was playing Paris. Part of my pre-show ritual when playing men (which is often for me) is to walk around in just the ace bandage I use to bind down my breasts. It's hard to explain exactly what this does for me, but I guess it's a weird way of acknowledging my femininity and then dismissing it in order to fully take on the male persona I will be playing. For me, I think it's the exposed midriff contrasting with the rest of my appearence. I feel like my midriff is one of the most attractive parts of my body, so when it's exposed I feel like my normal feminine self. But when I'm bound up it's like I've put on a different skin, taken on a different shape, a male one that I want to settle into before I dress it in its costume. Though in my regular life I feel naturally traditionally feminine in most ways, and am pretty secure in that notion, I like sometimes stepping into masculine headspace. This is part of the way I transition into feeling more manly. A lot of girls can't play men because they don't like the implication that they can be unfeminine enough to make a believable man, but maybe this ritual is how I avoid that. You can see my sexy girl belly is still there, but the rest of me is different, reformed into something almost like a man.

There's something kinky about this image, something transgressive that appeals to me. I am fascinated by how flat I look here, strong flat stomach muscles beneath a flat bound-up chest, going down into hips flattened by the cut of my slacks. I also like the suggestion of constraint; not only is my chest bound, even the way I hold myself looks tightly contained and carefully controlled. I remember when I was in Love's Labor's Lost how fixated some of my castmates were on how uncomfortable it must have been; some seemed even slightly creeped out by it. To some apparently this is something kind of twisted. But to me, it's part of changing how I feel in order to feel like the different thing I'm trying to become. Maybe I like this image because of how it shows that process, of becoming that other thing. Maybe I like how different I look from how I normally see myself; I've always enjoyed becoming someone totally different from me. Or maybe it's that very juxtaposition I mentioned before, of constrained, reshaped torso and squared-off man trousers that I put on as markers of masculinity with my beloved midriff that I associate so strongly with appealing femininity. There's some complicated weirdness going on here, and I can't quite put my finger on what it is that appeals so much to me, but all I'm sure of is that something here I find very, very cool. Just out of curiosity, do I look at all masculine to anyone else's eye? Or do I just look like a skinny girl with an ace bandage around her chest?

I call this image "Man of the Theater." I like the pun of the title. I would be a man of the theater if I were a man, since I participate in the making of it. But also, I'm not really a man, so my being a man IS theater. And since I'm not really a man, it's only through the theater that I can be a man at all.

Perhaps sometime, if someone with any facility with a camera wants to, I'd like to reshoot this image a little more deliberately. Maybe do a series of myself in man pants, with my hair slicked, and my breasts flattened out by an ace bandage, where I actively try to look as masculine as possible that way. It might make an interesting study, as I'm so fascinated by the image it produces.

Let's write more stuff for Palamon

So last night I did some serious work on my blank verse writing assignment. I don't know how good it is, but it's something, it's an honest effort with some substance to it. But I kind of like the topic at least, because I am writing about the conflict between Palamon, the fan favorite character from To Think of Nothing, and the younger brother of his who craves his approval.

There is a quick mention of a person in To Think of Nothing named Zephyrus as someone who attended an earlier show written by Cassander. Zephyrus is, in fact, Palamon's younger brother, who, to create contrast with his sibling, I decided is an actor who wants and never feels he gets the approval of the renowned theater critic he's related to. With that in mind, stuck for something to write about, I decided to write about the brothers working their crafts against one another.

I love the character of Palamon, It's weird to say about your own character, who hopefully ends up as whatever you designed him to be, but I find him so fun and charming and funny with an honesty that cuts through the bullshit to the bone, and I love it. This is shaped not only by my own intentions but by the fabulous performance of morethings5*. Nobody could have played him more perfectly than Kindness, whose rendition made the character loveable, amusing, and yet still with that sharp incisiveness that gives him weight in addition to his comedy.

There you have it, the only one with the guts to sit in Cassander's chair. I just want to write reams and reams about him, so I've been craving a chance to use him in something again. And I'm amused by the fact that I'm writing him to speak in blank verse. I will post the results when I'm finished, which knowing me will likely not be before Friday, the last possible day I have to work on it.

I also need to get started on my regular playwrighting assignment. I was struck today with the notion to use two characters from The Stand, of all places. A PC and an NPC, the one who kind of captured my imagination and made me think there could be all kind of cool stories written about him. I can't work on that until I finish the stuff with the more pressing deadline, but that could be interesting to work on as well. Heh, though I think it would be spoilery for those who have not played the game.

Practicing buttonholes

I used altering the shower curtain as an opportunity to practice my buttonholes. What I had to do to make it fit my shower is cut off one of the top corners at just the precise angle, but that got rid of the little hemmed holes intended for the rings along that edge. Since they were basically just buttonholes, I figured I could put in new ones if I made them like buttonholes. My machine has an automatic buttonhole foot that is supposed to just make them for you. I must have made a million test holes and screwed with the machine settings about eight different ways late into the night, but by about 3AM I made just about as pretty a buttonhole as you ever did see. See how nicely it came out on the curtain?

The next challenge was cutting them open. As you can see, the stitches are pretty close together and I was afraid of tearing them. What I ended up doing was very carefully pressing my rotary cutter down between the two edges and not trying to extend the cut much farther than that. It worked nicely, and I only damaged the edge of one buttonhole. Not too shabby, eh?

The curtain is a little too wide for the shower, and the bottom drags on the floor. Some trimming and hemming will be in order. And I must get nicer hooks to hang it with. But it fits nicely into the oddly-shaped space, so I'm pleased with my carefulness and the quality of my work.

Assignments loom...

Well, this weekend was not as productive as I intended it to be. Entirely too much of it was spent in the Depression Pit, with the rest of the time not being quite as productive as I hoped it would be. But I did get some of my list checked off. I bought a can of white paint to touch up the white trim in my bedroom, though I haven't started painting yet. I bought a new iron, which works great and I think will improve the quality of the seams I sew. I got a nice new blue-and-white striped shower curtain to replace the hideous plastic fish-print one we had in the upstairs bathroom. The shower has a sharp downward slant due to the ceiling shape on one side of it, so I have decided to cut the curtain to fit the space and sew new openings for the hooks. It will be a good chance to teach myself to make buttonholes, as that's basically the sort of openings the curtain originally came with. I haven't quite cracked how to use my machine's automatic buttonhole attachment to make attractive-looking results, but I've been working on it (unfortunately late into a sleepless last night, and the machine was apparently so loud that I must apologize because it woke up blendedchaitea*. So sorry, dear, won't happen again!) and I think I'm starting to get it right. Didn't get my kitchen knives sharpened, though, which has been on my list for a long time now. And I didn't get near as much homework done as I should have.

I kind of worked myself into a corner because I decided to not think about my poetry assignment packet until I was done with my playwrighting one, which was due a while earlier. Problem is, I didn't even really look at the poetry assignment until that point, and the due dates were closer together than I realized. So the necessary books for it were ordered later than they should have been and I have to go into crunch mode again. I am quite nervous about this one; on top of having to mark out scansion on a piece of text from the readings, something I have never been good at despite all my experience performing iambic pentameter, I also have to write eight pages of a "play-poetry" in verse. Gah. I'm terrified it's all going to come out all wrong and the professor's going to be like, "Do you know what iambic pentameter is at all?" And of course there's my classic problem of never knowing what to write about when I don't already have an idea going in.

On one final school-related note, I got back my adviser's feedback on my first packet submission. Mostly positive, I am relieved to say, though I made some really stupid errors that I am embarrassed and kicking myself over. And I totally misunderstood the "writing subtext" assignment, for which I generated this scene. I blame using that damn Hemingway piece, "Hills Like White Elephants," as my model. Because the characters in that do actually talk about their problem at least a little even though they never actually say what that problem is, I guess I thought my piece would fit the terms if my character just never flat-out defined their issue either. But that's not subtext, dumbass, which was the whole point of the assignment. She actually liked the piece in a vacuum, and complimented my ability to write dialogue-- a bit of a surprise, as I never felt my "regular" dialogue was ever all that natural-sounding --but asked me to redo the assignment. I am irritated with myself, but I feel like redoing it is justified. The moral of the story is never try to do anything that Hemingway does, because it's just going to be wrong. :-P

Staying positive

Gah, what an insanely busy week. My office has been packed with high-ranking executives from other branches of the company, so I had a lot of additional responsibilities relating to accommodating them. They were all very nice, and since a lot of it involved organizing breakfast and lunch it played to my skill set, but it meant I came in early and stayed late almost every day this week and was constantly running from one thing to the next to cram in all my work. On top of that, I've been trying to run errands and do homework for an upcoming due date through intermittent bouts of randomly getting sick. All of this has left me kind of stressed out and overwhelmed, which is threatening to make me withdrawn and down. So in an effort to combat that, I shall take a moment to focus on the good things that have happened lately.

- I am steadily learning how to use my sewing machine. Lise's tips have helped, and I've been getting in some good practice. Moreover, it's an activity I'm enjoying doing, and I'm looking forward to making more things.

- I am sticking to my resolution to eat better, and actually making myself exercise on a regular basis. I don't think it's taken off any weight yet, but that takes time and patience.

- My finances are unusually comfortable this month. I budgeted carefully, and getting a little overtime didn't hurt.

- Apparently I impressed some people at work enough that they asked if I might be interested in a full-time opportunity. I had to regretfully decline, as I really don't have time with my homework to do as well, but it was nice that somebody thought well of me.

- Preparation for Merely Players goes well. Steph has agreed to be producer for it, and she is excellent at getting all the details organized for putting on a show. We are moving forward nicely, and I am super-excited to cast and work on the show.

If I focus on the positive, then maybe I won't feel so overwhelmed.

Sewing project progress: Jared's checked apron, part III, and Steph's purple toile apron, part IV

Tonight I have the good fortune have the multi-talented captainecchi* coming over for dinner, and she has agreed to give me some instruction to boost my slowly developing sewing skills. I am very excited for the company and for the crafting! Last night I finally had some time to myself with no other obligations, so I took a crack at some of my projects.

I decided last night I would attach the straps for Jared's apron. I had found some of this black cloth tape that the fabric store lady said was for stabilizing garment shoulders or binding rugs, but I thought it might be extrapolated to my purpose. So at the neck of the piece I laid the straps in place, folded the edge over twice with the straps inside in the hopes of making a neat seam, and then pinned it in place to sew. The upside of this is that I could see my seams getting straighter, as I followed Lise's advice to use the edge of the presser foot as a guide. The downside was that putting the seam line that far from the edge made it so the straps would pull away from the rest of the apron when they were hung on something. I ended up putting in two extra rows of stitches for security, which, though they came out fairly neat, having so many row at unequal distances from each other makes it look kind of sloppy. I think Tegan was right when she mentioned the other day when she was over that checks aren't a good fabric choice for newbies, as they show how all these imperfections don't line up.

Next I snipped the straps in half with the intention of sewing a pair of D-rings onto one end so that the neckline would be adjustable. This did not go as easily as I'd hoped. I tried to sew a kind of packet onto the straps holding the D-rings, but the width of the presser foot was such that I couldn't put the seam as close to the D-rings as they needed to be to make an appropriately tight channel that would hold them in place. Plus the material is just a little too floppy to really support the metal hanging off of them. I probably should have tried to find a strap material with more body than this. I ended up just tying the rings onto the end with an extra piece of the strap material, which looks okay but again, a little sloppy. I probably should have just left the straps intact, or let Jared tie them in a knot where he wanted them.

Finally I attached the belt, just straight across the front at about waist-height with a rectangle of black thread. That was fairly easy, so my stitches were straight and the black thread disappeared nicely. It's is smooth and even and neat, probably the most nicely-done part of the whole apron.
 

So I guess it's pretty much done, except I'd like to clean it up where I can, and Jared requested a large solid black pocket be added for utility's sake. That should look nice; I'll have to guy find some appropriately sturdy material in solid black. Frankly I'm not very happy with this as a finished product; this poor apron has very much been the guinea pig on which I make all my beginner's mistakes. But Jared says he likes it and wants it anyway, but somebody when I'm better at this I will make him a better one.

After that, I don't know why but I found myself wanting to go on to Steph's apron. It has been lying around pinned up for weeks now, waiting for me to have the ability to assemble it. I wondered if maybe it was a bad idea, since with as much trouble as Jared's apron had given me I figured I'd just screw up Steph's as well. But I really wanted to do more sewing that evening, so I loaded up the machine with ivory threat and thought I'd give it a shot.

It was shocking how much easier it was working on Steph's apron. I just carefully kept the edge of the material in line with the edge of the presser foot like Lise said, and I made a perfect straight row of stitching all the way around the piece that you could barely see against the material. I know this picture makes it very tough to make out the stitches, but that's kind of the point-- they are barely there and do not compromise the pretty print.

Thinking about it, I think there are a couple reasons Steph's was both easier and came out better. First I think the thread disappears against the purple toile with the ivory background better than against the bold geometric rows of the check-- with all those straight lines in the pattern, it's much easier to see how the thread wiggled off track. Second, the toile is a more delicate fabric, while the black and white is a heavy coarse cotton, tougher to manipulate when running it through the machine. And finally, I assembled Steph's with more care and proper technique. Now, I know the proper way to make a seam is to press everything into place before you sew, but after assembling Steph's apron a while back my fairly new, hardly-used steam iron DIED FOR NO REASON AT ALL (I'm still pissed about it) and I haven't had the cash to replace it. So I'm sure one of the problems I had with Jared's apron was that I wasn't able to press the seams down before I pinned them. That made for less flat, more imperfect folds to run through the machine that had more of a tendency to get out of place. Whereas Steph's had been pressed and pinned in place for ages, leaving me with perfect folded edges that totally behaved.

I only got as far as assembling the two body pieces of Steph's apron before I stopped. It looks very neat and feels very secure. But now I am resolved not to do anything more until I have an iron so that I may put everything together properly. Before this evening I am going to  go out and buy one. It's clear that I can't do this at the level I want to without having the proper tools for the job.

Bridgewater Larp Day

In case you haven't heard, acousticshadow2*  is organizing a larp day built around the introduction of the game that she and Jared have been writing, House of the Rising Sun, a mystery set in a haunted whorehouse in post-Emancipation New Orleans. The day is Sunday, September 25th, and it will be taking place in building belonging to a cafe in Bridgewater, Massachusetts that will be hosting the dead dog after. House of the Rising Sun will be running in the afternoon at 2:30, but beforehand Jared and I are going to be running my game Oz alongside Emillybeth's game Happily Ever After? in the morning at 10. So if you've been wanting to play Oz but never had the chance, here's a shot before it goes back into the Breaking Light vault for a little while more. And I have been excited to playtest House ever since I first heard they were writing it. 

Game signups are going to open by next weekend, so if you'd like to register for Bridgewater Larp Day, go here for the event page. I hope you'll come out for Oz, and for the maiden run of House of the Rising Sun!

First grad school assignment finished

I turned in my first packet of assignments for grad school last night. I am pretty relieved, as I had a tough time buckling down to do it even though I had plenty of time. I think it's because it's been so long since I had to do academic work; I guess I'm lucky I went back to school after only two years, or else it might have been even harder. But I'm okay with the quality of the work I generated. The creative writing itself was tough because of how hard it always is for me when I start a project because I have to rather than because I've been inspired. So the stuff I made was a lot more forced and a lot less satisfactory to me than it might have been had I gone in with an idea. Still, I guess anything that gets out on the page is better than nothing. Yesterday was good for me because Tegan came over to hang out for the day, and she worked on a project while I did my homework. Her company was lovely, it was nice to catch up with her as I haven't seen her in a while, as having her there working on something with me helped me get into a productive mindset.

I'd love to be able to chill out about school for a while, but I really should get right to work on my work for my independent study in blank verse. The first deadline for that is the 20th, so I probably should have started on it already. I guess I was just having such a difficulty focusing on the stuff with the earlier due date I didn't think I could afford to work on additional stuff at the same time. A wee bit nervous about that because of how I'll need to work on learning to identify meter and stresses in poetry; I have for some reason I can't fathom had a hard time with that in the past, so I'm afraid I will make mistakes that won't be acceptable at a graduate level. We'll see, I need to get over my trepidation and just dig into whatever the assignment is; I haven't look at it in a month and I can't remember. And then not long after that I'll have to hand in the second primary assignment packet. That one will have to include the first draft of a ten minute play. I guess I'd better start brainstorming what the hell that's going to be about, as at the moment I can't think of anything that would sustain even something of that length.

For somebody who thinks of herself as a writer, I often have an incredibly hard time writing.

Biweekly Theater Writing Challenge #3 (Or, why I should be thanking God I saw the Cap movie...)

I wrote this little scene as a school assignment to write down a conversation that happened in real life and then dramatize it into a theatrical piece. Being utterly stuck as I usually am when I don't have an idea going in, I decided to base it off a conversation Bernie and I had about the appeal of Batman versus the appeal of Captain America. It's silly and kind of pathetically short, but I like how far I managed to extrapolate my source material. Funnily enough, though, the other creative piece I'm turning in for this assignment was also slightly Captain America-inspired. I now roll my eyes at myself so hard I have to chase after them down the street. I don't know whether to hope my advisor is a comics fan so she doesn't judge me if she gets it or pray that she's never ever heard of any of this, so she doesn't pick up on it at all. I guess I should thank God I saw that fucking movie, or I wouldn't have had any goddamn thing to write about.

(A man in a suit, BRODY, walks into his superior MARKOFF’s office. MARKOFF is sitting at work at a desk.)

BRODY: Have you made your selection?

MARKOFF: I believe I have, Mr. Brody. I’ve settled on Agent Rowan as the right man for the job.

BRODY: Agent Rowan? Excuse me, sir?

MARKOFF: You disagree with my assessment?

BRODY: Well, sir, it’s only that, well… he’s never been tested in the field for an operation of this kind, and he’s hardly the best we have with the equipment. I expected you to choose someone we knew could handle the pressure.

MARKOFF: It seems to me that your only objection is that he isn’t Agent Black.

BRODY: Don’t get me wrong, Commander, I have nothing but respect for Rowan. He’s a good man, certainly. But Black is qualified in every way, with a great deal more experienced in this class of mission. And, if I may speak freely, I frankly think the man’s made of sterner stuff.

MARKOFF: And you think that’s what’s what we need here.

BRODY: It’s just such an important job. We have to be careful who we trust it to.

MARKOFF: Well, you’re right, Brody. It’s a delicate mission. Human life and security hang in the balance. If we fail… the cost will be enormous. It would be all too easy for an agent of a certain sort to start justifying any means necessary to see that we prevail. It’s just as you said. Black’s a good agent, but Rowan— Rowan is a good man. In a bind like that, I would sooner put my trust in the one I know is a good man.

(Pause.)

BRODY: So that’s your decision?

MARKOFF: That’s my decision.

BRODY: If you say so, sir. I truly hope you’re right.

(BRODY turns and exits the office.)

Sewing project progress: Jared's black and white checked apron, part II

So the other day I actually got down to using my sewing machine for a project. Yay! It's been years since I actually sewed with one, beyond the crash course my mother gave me before I brought the thing from home, so my skills are in serious need of development. I tried to go very slowly to stay in control, but I found that if I went too slowly the machine wouldn't really keep moving forward through the fabric. There's nothing terribly complicated about the construction of Jared's apron, so I just decided to start with seaming up the bottom and the two sides. I folded the fabric over twice to make a neat edge, then sewed it down. I found the toughest part was keeping my seams straight. I thought if I just followed the edge of one line of the check it would be easy, but that didn't always work as well as I thought. In places I actually did a half-decent job of keeping them reasonably straight...

But sometimes in places they start to wander off their line...

 

And then sometimes they're just a mess all over the place.

 

I guess I need more practice. Maybe I should take more care to keep the fabric edge lined up with the appropriate width indicator line on the throat plate. I've also heard of using seam guides, little magnets that have a hard edge for you to run your fabric up against and keep it in the right place for straight seams. But I think I mostly just need practice. I am considering ripping these out and redoing them, but since I don't think they'd obviously look messy from the distance you'd be if somebody were wearing it, I may just leave them. Still, it's good to learn what stuff I'll need to concentrate on in order to produce good sewing.

Sewing project progress: Jared's black and white checked apron

As I mentioned, I have finally brought my sewing machine up to Boston. That means I can finally move forward with my several beginning sewing projects. Aprons are good practice, and when Jared saw the black and white checked cotton I'd gotten off eBay he asked if I could make one for him. In order to avoid the mistake I made with Steph's, where the thing came out too short and needed to be extended, I measured it basically just by holding it up to him and asking him where he wanted it to come down to. The fabric was folded over in two layers when I did this. Then I folded it in half again and carefully cut off one top corner of the resulting rectangle at an angle to accommodate the wearer's arms. This is how it turned out when I unfolded it.

But recently I decided that the fabric was not sturdy enough to serve as an effective apron. So yesterday Jared, Steph, and I went on a trip to a fabric store in Arlington. I usually just go to the Joann's near Burlington, but while the notions are okay the fabric there is pretty junky, so I wanted to find a real one that might be better. There I bought a yard of linen-like sew-in interfacing while Steph found some decorative cord to tie back her new curtain. I cut the interfacing slightly smaller than the cut-out apron piece and sandwiched it between the two layers of checked cotton.

While we were at the fabric store Jared suggested we find something that might serve for the ties of the apron. We looked at a bunch of different options before settling on this black woven cloth tape that is apparently used for binding rugs and stabilizing shoulders. Though floppy, it is sturdy and thick, and should work nicely for the neck strap and the back ties. I also like how the solid black breaks up the large swatch of check.This is how it looks like with the ties just laid in place.

The next step is sewing. I think I will use white thread for most of it, but I'm not sure I want the stitches to contrast that much on the belt, so for that I might switch in black thread instead. Hopefully, if I am far enough along in my homework, I will be able to spend some time on it tonight.

Things I am going to do

Have been feeling blah and dissatisfied with myself lately, so I have made a list of things I want to do because I think they will be good for me, or least advantageous.

- Get my homework assignment done for next week. This is very important.

- Stick to my biweekly theater writing challenge.

- Work out six days a week. I found out when I was at home exactly how much weight I've gained and I thought I was going to faint. It's been my decreased activity level that's causing this, and that cannot stand.

- Overhaul my diet. I know it's not the real problem here, but my once-impeccable habits are slipping.

- Go back to doing my skincare routine every night before bed. I've broken out pretty badly.

- Touch up the white trim in my bedroom.

- Get my kitchen knives and scissors sharpened.

- Reexamine my budget and make sure I know where everything's going

- Put together Steph's apron. It's all cut out and pinned together, it just needs to be assembled for real.

- Make Jared an apron. It is also cut out, but I think I should buy some interfacing for it to make it sturdier.

- Plan grocery shopping trips for the whole week ahead of time. I'm slipping back into the habit of shopping for dinner only, which is not an efficient or economical habit.

- Work on being nicer to people. I am letting feeling annoyed/sick/angry/lousy/generally awful affect how I treat others, and I need to see that stop.

Back to sewing machine and lovely friends

Got back this morning from my trip home to visit my parents. It was a lovely visit, full of fun activities and lots of tasty food. I now have my long-awaited sewing machine up with me too! My mom gave me a crash course in how to use it, then we packed it up in an old hard-shelled suitcase and I checked it on my flight in. Hope it survived the baggage hold . I would love to spend some quality time with it right away after waiting so long, and i have several projects cut up and ready to be assembled that I'm excited to tackle.

Unfortunately, this is the week leading up to my first deadline for school. Therefore my first priority will be finishing up all my assignments. I've made good progress, and I've at least started pretty every piece of it, but to get things done I will need to buckle down. I must finish my craft essays, my reflection on the month's work, I need to dramatize a conversation I overheard, and I want to polish up that last scene I wrote according to the prompt.

Also happening this week is the crew of Albion, the house that will be full of HTPers just a block or two away from me, is moving in this week. That means I will have Steph, Plesser, April, Lenny, and Jenna just a short walk away to see whenever I want. As soon as I get out of work I will be heading over that way to help out with the move in any way I can. Bernie and I went and picked up a beautiful maple bedroom set for Steph off of Craigslist a few weeks ago, and I look forward to seeing it set up in the new place.