In my quest to learn more about stylish dressing, I have begun checking out the writings of a handful of style bloggers. Two I recommend are Sally of Already Pretty and Allie of Wardrobe Oxygen, which have been extremely helpful in learning about the basics of fit, quality, color, and figure flattery.
One thing that throws me a little is the frequency, particularly in Sally's blog, of articles on bad body image and how to get out of it. In theory I think this is a great idea; every woman should love their body and not feel less valuable because of it. But when I come across them in the blog, they make me feel weird, and I'm genuinely not sure why. Is it because I am in that elusive "traditionally pretty" group and am assumed to not have to worry about the stuff other women feel insecure about? Am I feeling guilt by implication of desiring and being able to conform to the supposedly "unrealistic standards" which makes so many other women feel bad? Am I feeling unfairly demonized as a perpetuator of the Cult of Thin and not feeling I deserve the blame for other people's lack of self-esteem? Am I just so digustingly narcissistic that I can't stand the idea of anything but my body type being allowed to be considered beautiful?
I don't know. I'm really not sure. Okay, I doubt it's that last one, or at least no more than the faintest touch. I just know that something seems off to me about all these exhortations to self-esteem. Maybe I'm just not sure how someone telling you to like stuff about yourself that you don't is going to work. Does that really work? It kind of comes off as "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like me," to me. Like, where's the line between learning to genuinely find beauty in your body and reciting happy crap because you can't stand feeling bad anymore? Can anyone tell you how to change your mindset about yourself?
Most people see me having the opposite problem to "comparing my body to the supposed ideal and now it feels inferior." I get tarred with the brush of "my body is only beautiful because it can meet the standard." Now, by now anyone who knows me should have some idea that it is incredibly important to me to stay thin. It is worth a great deal of work and sacrifice to me to maintain my lean strong figure. I think I would really look less attractive if I gain weght. Some people seem to think this is an indicator that I have bad body image. "You feel like you can't be beautiful unless you're thin. You have pinned your self-esteem on something unhealthy and unrealistic."
But the thing is... I love my body. Yes, I love it thin and spare the way it is right now, but I genuinely do love it. Does the believing in the condition that I stay thin in order to be attractive mean that I have bad body image even though I love my body? If I didn't meet the conditions I set for myself, would I hate it?
I have bad days, sure; I think everyone does. I have days when I feel like a cow, when all I can see is acne and boxy ribcage and flat rack and knobby hips and stomach, stomach, all of that fucking STOMACH that obsesses so much of my mental real estate. But in general... I love my body, and I love the way I look. I look in the mirror and love the gorgeous face and the killer, sexy, fantastic figure reflected back at me. It sounds incredibly conceited to say this stuff, but why shouldn't I believe such good things of myself? Isn't that what everyone in the body-positive movement is supposed to work towards? I am proud to say I am an astonishingly beautiful girl.
And not only do I believe I'm an astonishingly beautiful girl, other people do as well. People I know, people I don't know. I get stopped on the street, at the mall, in the grocery store, at the goth club, everywhere I go by people who want to tell me I'm beautiful. I have heard the words "fantastic," "ridiculous," "my ideal," "stunning." I even love that this pretensious prick I met once hilariously called me "mainstream in extremis"-- which I choose to interpret as "the pretty that everyone acknowledges."
Of course that raises another question-- how would I feel if I didn't have that self-image reinforced by others? If I didn't have so many people who found me beautiful and made the point of telling me so, would I still be so comfortable and confident in that truth? What if skinny girls weren't plastered all over the media as the chosen attractive image? Would the fact that I still don't have those goddamn flat abs I covet so desperately get to me if outside factors didn't validate me?
But then, when Jared tells me some part of myself I don't think is so beautiful is beautiful in his opinion, does it really change my mind? Does him telling me "You'd still be beautiful if you gained weight," make me really believe that? I'm not so sure it always does.
This isn't a very coherent entry. I'm just kind of thinking out loud. I'm not sure what the distinction is between genuinely changing your mindset and forcing yourself to believe things you didn't before. Where does good body image come from? I guess I just don't know if I think you can get it from some outside force telling you to have it. I don't know.
What do you think?
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