Friday, February 26, 2010

Grand opening night

Guess what? I wrote a play, and it got put on, and last night, people came to see it.

It was wonderful. It was doubly wonderful because before it started I got nervous. The tech booth wasn't unlocked, the weather was terrible, and a bunch of people who'd told me they were coming canceled on me. My mood and my confidence started dropping; I was afraid things were finally going wrong, here on opening night, and that nobody was going to come, that the bad weather was going to scare them all off. Jared and Bernie, God bless them, weren't afraid, and tried to snap me out of it.

But when the doors opened, and so many wonderful friends poured in, I realized how foolish I was being. I really need to work on keeping my spirits up better, at not getting down so easily. Because the show was fantastic, and the audience was fantastic, and I felt fantastic through it all. I ran the camera to record the show, and I plan on doing it again tonight, so we get the best possible versions on tape.

Talking to people in the audience-- usernamenumber*, natbudin*, bronzite*, his girlfriend EB, phoenix_rinna*, pezzonovante*, juldea*, lightgamer*, twilighttremolo*, ninja_report*, beholdsa*, and wonderful others --made me glow. People enjoy it, people got it, and to hear their kind words meant everything to me. I can't express how grateful I am to everyone who came to see it. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

As an amusing side note, I got almost as many compliments on my outfit as I did on the play-- red skirt with black and white butterfly designs, white wraparound blouse, silver shoes, silver wrap. I am absurdly pleased.

One more show to go. I hope tonight's audience is as good. Jared's and my parents are coming tonight at least. We'll have to do a good job for them.

And once again, thank you all for sharing this with me. You have no idea how much it means.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Final Intercon casting!

Got my third and final casting for Intercon this week. This last one is for Super Villain Academy, a game I've been excited to play ever since Jared raved about it. I think I shall very much enjoy my character, though I've got no idea how to dress for it. I've still got two weeks to figure it out, but I'm kind of at a loss at how to put together a supers outfit for this role.

Looking at the calendar, I'm shocked to see how close Intercon is now. I've been so absorbed with everything for the play that I haven't had time to look ahead. I'm costumed for two of my three games already, but I still have to print and pack Oz, and I promised I'd help Jared do the same for GM Space. Need to get on this stuff. Still, I've promised myself that until the play is over I'm not going to worry about anything else, and then this weekend's priorities are my next grad school application and my next Labor Wars character sheet, so until those things are done, Intercon stuff goes on the back burner. After this weekend my schedule will greatly lighten, and then I'll have plenty of time to prepare for the con.

Counting

Tonight is opening night. I'm counting the moments.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Resting tonight

Resting at home now. Got off of work, drank some orange juice, took some Advil, and slept for a few hours, which gave me the strength to get some necessary errands done. I plan to take it easy for the rest of the evening.

I have a few more items still on my to do list, but even though I have some actual free time tonight, I think I'm going to just take care of myself. It occurs to me that I've been sick more times this year than any recent year previous; maybe it's true about the effect stress can have on the immune system. God knows I've been more stressed this year than I've ever been before.

I'd really like to feel at least mostly well for tomorrow. I'm going to enjoy it regardless, but it'd be nice to be able to breathe and speak. I'd be impolite if I couldn't thank people for all the gushing they are certain to do about the play. ;-)

Second night in the theater

So last night we had our last tech rehearsal before the show.

By the time call time rolled around, I wasn't feeling so great. Around two o'clock I'd started to feel worse than just a really sore throat; my head was pounding and my whole body felt weak. I had a nice lunch with Jared, drove him to his appointment, and then went home to crash and eat Advil. Bernie stopped by and very sweetly brought me orange juice, and stayed with me for a bit while I dozed. After he left I slept some more for real, then took a shower. I felt a bit better after all this, though the Advil took forever to kick in and didn't totally kill my headache.

Rehearsal was a bit slow getting started. The men are all pretty easy to get ready, but getting the ladies into their hair, makeup, and in the Graces' case, costumes, is a pretty big production. I hope an hour and a half before showtime on Thursday and Friday is enough. This at least gave Bernie the time to mess with the sound, which was the only technical element left to incorporate. Jared very thoughtfully brought me soup and watched me like a hawk to make sure I ate it. There is also a dance element in the show, beautifully choreographed by Charlotte, that they took this opportunity to practice. We had hoped to do two runs, but given the time constraints and the need to also do photo call, we decided to only do one.

That one went well, though, with only one noticeable error, which they are now prepared do deal with should it ever arise again. Jared was so wonderful it made me ache. I was also kind of flattered that blendedchaitea*, who has seen the show several times now and said she was planning on getting going as soon as she saw everyone onstage, ended up sticking around for the full run. And she still laughed at all the jokes. The show is that good, people. :-) The sound elements ended up integrating beautifully, and now the tech is complete and looks very slick.

We did photo call after that, and I nabbed some really fantastic pictures. They will go up on Facebook soon, but I think not until the show is over. I don't want anything potentially spoiled before people actually see the play. :-) But trust me, there are some wonderful shots that do everyone involved justice.

Perhaps the most fantastic thing, though, is that everyone feels so good about this show. They're enthusiastic and proud to be part of it. The process was enjoyable, they felt respected, their hard work paid off. This was the sort of theater experience that actors hope to have. I'm incredibly pleased and proud to have been able to be part of that.

There will be no rehearsal tonight; two of my actors have other commitments, we're in pretty good shape, and I need a night to rest and heal. So I let everyone off. We open in tomorrow, so I hope the break energizes them.

We open tomorrow. I am very happy. I hope you'll come share it with me.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

First night in the theater

I am unfortunately coming down with something. I have a pretty nasty sore throat, and it's a little tough to talk. Tech week is not a great week for having no voice, but I'm not letting it get me down. Things went too well last night for that.

Last night was our first night in the theater. We acquired the necessary desk and chair, and spiked the places for the stage blocks. There's always a shift in energy when you get into your actual performance space for the first time, but for me, it feels different when I do it as the director than as an actor. I remember noting it for the first time during Hamlet. For me, it's like I become hyper-aware, tightly energized to get things put together, to make things happen.

It shocked me how little work that required. Theater is by nature a train wreck, as I often say; it has so many moving parts to keep together that it is inevitable that things malfunction at least a little. But as I mentioned, I'd never felt a show was in such a good place across the board before going into tech week. Sure, we had a number of jobs left to do, but we had a plan for all of them, and in relatively short order with shockingly little fuss, one by one they got done.

The Graces finally look the way they're supposed to in their chitons, which pleases me to no end. I cannot praise, adore, and thank blendedchaitea* enough for her expertise and her help. She had come onboard to do makeup and hair, but she was enormous help getting the chitons just right. With some safety pins and extra pieces of gold cord I was making progress getting the proper shape to them, but Rachel saw what I was trying to achieve with the Graces and stepped in with exactly the right idea to polish and refine their look. With her help, they were transformed from girls wrapped in muslin to the elegant, magesterial figures from myth I hoped they'd be. She has a remarkably discerning eye; I was impressed with her ability to try something with makeup, evaluate it, and keep on with it if it worked, or try something else if it didn't. I can't thank her enough for all her help.

The technical setup in there is a bit primitive, but Bernie manned it capably as always. The lighting in the show was restricted by the fact that we weren't allowed to rehang or refocus anything in the Merrick Theater, but given those limitations he put together a reasonable facsimile of our original lighting plan. It is a pretty simple plot, with only twenty cues over an hour, but I think it conveys what we needed from it. We need to add in the music tonight, which may or may not be challenging, but it's the only major job left to do at this point.

Finally, the most shocking thing of all was how calm I was. Maybe it's having gained some experience, maybe it's because things genuinely felt so good to me. But I felt totally at ease and fully prepared to deal with anything that might arise. This stands in sharp contrast to Hamlet, as Bernie teasingly reminded me, when I was CONVINCED that everything was a mess teetering on the edge of theatrical disaster and a nervous wreck because of it. I fortunately get the kind of nervousness that makes me really quick-thinking and productive in a crisis situation, but it is incredibly draining and I crash immediately after the adrenaline wears off. This is so much better-- for my stress level, and the state of the show.

Tonight we want to get through two full runs with all the technical aspects in place. I am psyched to do it and have complete confidence in everyone involved. In the meantime I am pounding tea and trying not to talk, in hopes that I might have some voice tonight. At least I'm not IN the show, eh? Still, it makes it tough to yell at your puppet-people when you can't speak. And God knows that's the best part of directing. ;-)

Monday, February 22, 2010

And now the storm breaks loose

With rehearsal last night, tech week has begun.

It went very well; everyone was right on their games. The acting was extremely sharp last night. I was particularly impressed with certain small reactions they had to each other-- Jared's momentary cringe at a painful thought, Kindness's frustration with his friend's stubbornness, Liz's sympathetic sadness, Plesser's struggling with his conflicted feelings... and so many other small expressions of grasping character and investment in the moment. I was so impressed, and so very proud. This is going to be a good freaking show!

This was also the first full dress rehearsal. They had played around a little in their pieces for test purposes, and I must have made Frances try on that dress ten million times, but they'd never been all together in full costume before. I was incredibly pleased to see how they looked as an ensemble. One trick to costume designing for the stage that I've always found it a bit tough to keep track of is that no one costume can be chosen in a vacuum-- one must always keep in mind how it will look up beside every other costume it will be up there with. Colors must not confuse or clash, no one element should draw undue attention, there may not be wide disparity in quality, fit, or style unless it's got a point. Costumes can have so much meaning that you can't let the little things slide. This time, though, I attended to it scrupulously, and if I may say so myself, I really think I nailed it.

Also, there was one other thing... let me see if I can phrase this in a way that is vague enough as to not spoil my intended effect for those who will be coming to see the show... I was also pleased to note that something I had worked very carefully to engineer so that the audience would notice its significance gradually despite it being present all along seemed to have come together in the way I wanted it to. Since I already know the intended effect I suppose I can't be sure, but I think it's not so obvious as to immediately jump out at everyone, but obvious enough that as the play goes on it will become clear.

Tonight will be our first night in the theater. We've mostly been practicing in a space designed to match the dimensions of the actual stage, so it shouldn't be too difficult a transition. This week will involve working the lights, the sound, and in full costume. I've got about eight thousand errands to run before then, but I'm psyched.

This is good. This is going to be a very good show.

World's sexiest shoes

I can't believe I forgot to mention this, but the other day I saw quite possibly the sexiest shoes I've ever seen in my life.



Gladiator heels-- you know, with all the straps? All in crisscrossing black leather with brass studs. Four-inch chunky heel, just like I love, with just a fraction of a platform. Sound like you've seen them before? What's so special about that, you ask?

Well, see, the crisscrossing straps? Just kept on going.

Yes, darlings, these wrapped those studded black leather straps all the way up the leg, sort of like the ribbons on a ballet shoe, except skinny strips of leather weaving around and around. These were THIGH-HIGH HEELED GLADIATORS. GAH SAVE ME FROM THE SEXY.

I scoured the internet trying to find a picture but could not. The closest I found were these:



And though they are gut-tighteningly sexy, they cannot reach the perfection of the thigh-high version I saw in the mall. They were so fantastic I couldn't even bear to look at the price tag for fear of getting my heart broken.

It's probably just as well. If I owned them, I would never take them off. I would sleep in them, shower in them. I would never wear weather-appropriate clothing ever again because I could not bear to obscure the fabulousness. I would ruin my poor flat feet. But none of that would matter, because I had the world's sexiest shoes.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Turning into an old person

I am so weird sometimes. When I woke up this morning, I very firmly resisted opening my eyes and declared to myself, "I Am Sleeping In Today." I don't know if I totally went back to sleep, but I rolled over and burrowed down in my covers and laid there for a nice long while. When it became too difficult to resist being awake, I reached for my phone to check the time... seven o'clock in the morning. After telling myself to go back to sleep after waking up naturally, I still end up getting up on a Saturday morning earlier than I do for work during the week. Fabulous. I am so turning into an old person, what with the crashing at 11PM and getting up with the sun. :-P Ah, well. At least these early weekend mornings are very productive. I showered, cleaned my room, and did my laundry for the week already, all before ten o'clock. Got plenty of other errands to get done today, but that's an excellent start.

Friday, February 19, 2010

So much interest in Labor Wars!

Had a fun conversation with natbudin* last night about how apparently lots of people are clamoring for a spot in The Labor Wars. We could fill the game just from pre-interest alone. And since the residents of BCOS are getting priority because they are letting us use their house as the location for the run, there are even fewer up for grabs. For a weekend long this is a fairly small game, only seventeen players total. Nat suggested maybe doing a lottery from everyone who expresses interest. I think that's a very good idea, and probably as fair as we can make it. Though personally I was thinking of soliciting bribes from everyone, and only letting the people who give me the best ones in. ;-) And hey, I can always take the bribe even if there's no space left, and just say, "Sorry, my co-GMs overruled me!" Heehee.

No more holes, and BSO

So I've thought about it, and I don't think I will be getting any additional ear piercings any time soon. I talked to Jared about it and he wasn't crazy about the idea. He made a good point that I'm endeavoring to cultivate a classic look, and multiple ear holes looks cool but it can easily slip into tacky and juvenile. blendedchaitea* walks that line well and I still think hers are stylish, but I'm not sure sure I would be able to wear them as well. And it probably isn't a good idea to put permanent holes in my body if I'm not even sure I want them. So for now, I'll stick with what I have. I can't really undo them once they're done, but I can always get them later if I'm ever more certain about wanting them.

Going to the Boston Symphony Orchestra tonight. Not sure what to expect. I must confess, music is the one significant gap in my cultural awareness. Other than listening to songs I like on my iPod, I'm not all that interested in it, and I'm certainly not educated about anything classical. But Steph and Walter have been wanting to go, and Bernie asked me to come with him, so I figured I'd give it a try. Honestly I'm a little afraid of falling asleep during the performance and embarrassing my companions with my boorishness. I wonder which is worse-- passing out, or keeping from passing out by spending the entire evening playing on one's iPhone? ;-) I'm a Philistine, I know. Feel free to shun me for it.

Can the rough days stop now?

Jesus, did yesterday turn out to be lousier than I would have guessed. Bad day at work, all my chores turning out to be six thousand times tougher than I thought they'd be, and spending money on a lunch that it turns out I couldn't eat because I didn't realize it wasn't kosher. Bah.

But fortunately, the trouble was worked through. I finally got Frances's dress in order, and it looks very nice. The diorama is just a few touches away from being done. I also hit the thrift store and with literally with the loose change in my desk bought a fairly nice black blazer to wear for Shadow Over Babylon. That character really demands the wearing of a plain, official-looking suit, and I just didn't have what I needed for it. So I bit the bullet and bought something. It's a nice enough blazer that I can probably wear it in real-life dressy situations, and helps me at least simulate the plain black suit that Allie of Wardrobe Oxygen advises most women to keep in their closets. Heh, though I must say this game is the first time I regretted not having one. ;-)

The game of Small World played at BSCF later that evening also helped chill me out. It was nice to see so many nice friends, (and nudge them about attending the play, heehee) and I really must thank laurion* for introducing me to that most excellent game, and being willing to bring it and play week after week. ;-) I am not a hardcore board gamer by any stretch, so just how much I'm into Small World is a testament to how really great a game that is. I'm slowly getting better and better at it, I've had several games in a row now where I've averaged around ten points a turn, which is pretty good for a five-player game, but still somebody always does just a little bit better than me and I've never been able to win yet.

So yeah, yesterday really kind of sucked, but I got through it, accomplished what I needed to accomplish, and ended the day nicely and with friends. I guess things could have gone worse.

Chores for the play

Ugh. Unexpectedly rough afternoon yesterday. Spent the afternoon doing play-related chores.

After a dry cleaner telling me it would cost forty goddamn bucks to get Frances's dress hemmed and pressed, I went home to just do the thing myself. Fired up the old iron and gave it a thorough once-over, but it didn't work perfectly and I think it ever-so-slightly lightened the color. I also don't have the right color thread to properly sew the hem, so I carefully measured out how much it needed to be taken up and tacked it in place with tape. But the tape isn't totally invisible, so that's going to have to be fixed too.

Then I started putting together the diorama. Cut out pictures, text boxes, mounting paper. Every piece I currently have (pictures, bios, and banners) is now glued on to the board. I'm still missing bios from Jared and Plesser, and I still haven't printed out Kindness's headshot because for some reason my printer still fucking objects. Also, I need to figure out how I'm going to get the title on their to the correct dimensions. I finally killed my pot of rubber cement, though seeing as I've been getting by on the same jar since freshman year I'm pretty lucky I got as far as I did. This process-- from printing to cutting to experimenting with the layout to glueing everything in place --took two and a half hours, and by the time I was done I was shockingly exhausted and had a hell of a crick in my neck and back from being bent over either the board or the dress for the whole afternoon.

Then, after a pleasant meeting with friends at Lizzie's where I could have no ice cream (no sugar for me), I took Frances's dress and some clothes for the morning to Jared's place. He left his keys with me before he left for vacation so I could get in if I needed to. One of the few good things about living is grad is that they never run out of hot water, so I ran a scaldingly hot shower and hung the dress up in the bathroom in hopes that the steam would get some of the wrinkles out. Sadly no luck. By this point I was so tired that I pretty much just crashed into Jared's bed without even brushing out my hair.

I'm paying for that today, though. I am a frizzy staticky mess this morning, which looks even worse when I try to do anything with it. Bah. I've got too much to still do today to worry about it. I'm not giving up on that dress yet. I have read on the Internet that sometimes spritzing dresses with water and throwing it in the dryer can help. Unfortunately the dress doesn't have any kind of tag in it, so I'm not certain it's dryer-safe. I'm considering taking it to a different dry cleaner, though I'm concerned about their ability to get it done before I need it on Sunday. I guess I could iron it again, but I'm kind of afraid more heat would damage it. I don't know. I guess I've just got to start trying things.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

GAH STYLE PET PEEVE *twitch*

I overheard yet another conversation today regarding a particularly fallacy that drives me crazy. A woman was telling another woman that she dresses in baggy, loose-fitting clothing to obscure the bulges and flaws in her figure.

...

'Cause people will assume there's a supermodel under all that fabric?

Um, NO. No, no, NO. Loose clothing will not make you look smaller or smoother. It's EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE. People will assume you're even bigger and chunkier and less shapely than you actually are because all that extra fabric ADDS BULK TO YOU.

Wear fitted. Fitted, fitted, fitted. Fitted always looks better! Fitted gives you a shape while baggy takes it away. Fitted doesn't mean tight, it means it FITS YOU PROPERLY. Do you want to trick people into thinking you are a small, fabric-swaddled BUILDING? OF COURSE YOU DON'T.

ANY SHAPE is better than NO SHAPE AT ALL. GAH.

*end shallow style rant, return to regularly scheduled significant matters*

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Work for the next two weeks

Today I think will represent the calm before the storm of the next fourteen days.

After today, I will have exactly one week until my show opens. We are in a very good place with it, but I still have a fair bit to do. Have to get a hold of the desk that is the most important set piece. Still nagging people for bios, which I need to finish putting together the diorama. I want to get a hold of a video camera I can use to film the thing and get a record of it for posterity. Then just making sure the odds and ends of everything get tied up in time. I've been in far worse, far more frantic places a week before shows before, so I'm pretty grateful, but I need to stay on top of everything.

In the midst of all this, however, I need to generate a writing sample for a graduate program I'm applying for with a due date of March 1st, as well as write another character sheet before the Labor Wars meeting the same day. That will be a bit of a pain. I hate to compromise my thus-far perfect sheet-turn-in record, motivated by the New Kid fear of being shunned for my failure, but I may just not be able to get it completely done this time around.

In related news, it appears that we have a date for the inaugural run of The Labor Wars. This new weekend-long will be going up June 16th-18th, generously permitted to occur at BCOS by its lovely residents. This is very exciting. I like having a date to work towards, it helps me finish things, and this one is far enough out in the future that I don't feel pressured at all. It's also going to get plugged at Intercon, which is incredibly cool to me.

So. Lots of work ahead. It kind of just hit me just how much it is for the next two weeks. Guess I'd better get cracking.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Additional ear piercings?

I am generating a lot of content today. My brain is going in lots of directions at once right now, and I suppose it needs an outlet. Writing in Livejournal is one that pleases me. I noticed that today I broke one thousand entries. This pleases me as well.

I'm considering getting another set of piercing in my ears. I'm not sure what made me think of this. But I've always admired the way blendedchaitea*'s look, with the three little studs marching along each of her earlobes. Hers are subtle and never too loud, though; I am concerned of more than one pair looking too busy, and I don't currently own the kind of earrings that would "layer" well together. I suppose I do have the gold studs that were my trainers when I got the first piercings done; they're probably subtle and elegant enough to go with another pair. And, duh, of course the diamond solitaires. I could also maybe do a cartilege piercing rather than more in the lobe, but again I fear tackiness. I'm not a fan of body piercing otherwise, like in the nose or eyebrow. The only kind other than ears I've ever considered is bellybutton, which I'm sure surprises exactly no one, but God knows I draw enough attention to that area as it is; I'm not sure I need to go asking for more. I'll have to ask Jared and see what he thinks. I'm not even sure I really want it; after all, it took me nineteen years to get the first set done. But for some reason the notion has come into my head.

Feminist rant on appearence reactions

I recently read an article about women's fear of dressing "sexy" because they're afraid of not being respected and being viewed as inappropriate. And I gotta say, some of the thoughts really irked my feminist anxieties.

First of all, I thought the article did a poor job of defining what it meant by "sexy." Do we mean "looking really good such that people think we're hot?" Do we mean "showing a lot of skin?" Do we mean "with the intent to elicit a sexual reaction?" Because in my opinion, those things are very different, and while there may be some overlap, I do not believe there always is.

I always aim to look attractive, both to my own standard, to general opinion, and to the opposite sex. So I would say I always try to "look hot"-- I want people to think I'm hot. I don't think any woman should be at fault for that; who doesn't want to look good, even attractive, as they define it? Maybe it's going a little too far if you're trying to get any real, immediate sexual reaction out of people in a context where that is not appropriate. But I honestly I think you'd have to go pretty extreme in how you're dressing in order to get a lot of that. And I feel like that extremity makes it is pretty easy to identify when that intent is present.

honestly, I don't really agree with the notion that skin automatically is about eliciting sexual reaction. I'm sure all of you know by now that I like showing skin. I think there's a degree of it that people are not such animals as to be totally revved up about when they see it. Being small-busted, necklines have to be pretty damn low in order to seem even vaguely provocative on me. I do tend to show my midriff a lot, at least the little strip of it between my waistband and the hem of my shirt. Is my typical inch-wide band of skin there really anything more than a fun and cute little touch? I think it looks hot, sure, but as I said, there's a difference between looking hot and actually looking like you're trolling for arousal.

Now, make no mistake, I'm not saying every look is appropriate for every situation. And sure, there's a limit of when some is too much. Save the plunging decolletages, the belt skirts, and the crop tops for having fun with, not anywhere that sort of thing would be inappropriately provocative. Though honestly I don't find any of my dressing habits to be that extreme, even I tone it down a little for, say, going to work. I've thrown on camisoles under low necklines and buttoned a few more buttons than I might otherwise. But I really don't see anything wrong with showing a moderate bit of skin. My workplace isn't all that conservative about dress, and if there's a different standard at yours, you should of course observe it. Heh, when I asked about the dress code when I first came to work there, literally the answer I got was, "Uh... no mirco-minis?" Well, okay, then. I've never heard a word about my belly, and I can't remember any serious context in which I felt less respected due to how much skin I was showing.

Maybe it's just that I have never felt terribly bothered by objectification. I've only felt I was being objectified a handful of times in my life, and I found these occasions to be moronic rather than hurtful. I know I'm not an object-- nobody has the power to actually turn me into one, regardless of how they see me. Yes, I am very pretty, thanks for noticing. I'm sorry that you're too much of a moron to realize that I'm smart too. Perhaps it might have been different if the objectification ever came from anyone with any power over me-- a boss, for example --to make consequences come of their reduction of me to object status, but in general, I find it to be that person's problem, not mine. As I said-- I'm not an object, and even if they treat me that way, nobody on earth has the power to make me into one.

And that brings me to another point-- these days, are men in general inclined to that kind of behavior? It's not the fucking fifties anymore, people. Maybe I've just had unusually fortunate experience, but I have found most men I've interacted with have internalized the notion that women are more than just pretty sexy things. That a woman dressing pretty, even sexy, does not automatically negate the possibility that she's got a lot going on upstairs as well.

I feel like this is predicated on a pretty offensive assumption about men as hyper-sexual beasts such that an attractive girl showing a little more skin than usual equals an automatic horny reaction that blots out all thought of that girl being a human being. Yuck. So sexist, so unfair, and I pray to God, so inaccurate. Do people really see men as lust-landmines that are going to explode with inappropriate behavior the minute something they find sexy sets them off? How patronizing! They're not animals, for Christ's sake. And if there ARE actually men like that, whose attraction to a woman cancels out any regard for her intellect or personhood, those men are creepy and fucked up and THEY are the problem and the ones that need to shape up, not the woman they're reacting to.

And I gotta say, I really hate this panic-reaction so many women have about, "OMG, he thinks I'm hot, now he won't respect me as a person!" Oh, get over yourself. WHY is it assumed that respect and attraction can't coexist? That being sexy and being smart mutually exclude one another? I find that not only insulting to men, but to women as well! Women can either be seen as respectable and capable, OR attractive and sexy? Screw that! I am a beautiful, smoking-hot woman who acts, directs, cooks, designs, organizes, and writes everything from larps to plays to poetry! Don't you forget for a minute that I've got beauty AND brains!

Is an inch-wide band of skin that I think is cute going to light the fires of brain-consuming lust? Nuh-uh. Is my being seen as a sexy woman negate the truth that I am also an intelligent and capable one? No on your life! And while yeah, it's important to hold men to a proper standard, we need to not turn them into the enemy when they don't deserve it.

And that's today's feminist rant. Your thoughts?

Mardi Gras already?

Whoa. Looking at my calendar, it appears that Mardi Gras has crept up on me and falls this year on... today. I haven't really given any thought as to what I should give up for Lent yet, which means I don't know what I should indulge now before I am without it for the next forty days.

My typical Lenten sacrifice is processed sugar. It's good for my health and for my weight. I think I did that for something like eight years in a row. Last year, however, I elected to keep kosher to see what it was like. I must confess, kashrut is one of the Jewish concepts that means the least to me. It was an interesting experiment, but frankly one that did little to recommend the practice to me. It wasn't so bad, I guess, but I didn't really feel there was anything positive about it that outweighed what it demanded giving up. Pork is a food, not a sin, and a delicious one at that. But still, it's something that means an awful lot to certain very important people in my life. So I guess it's a gesture of respect to them if I decide to do it again, which does matter to me. Processed sugar, but contrast, is a personal sacrifice, but there's no expression of love involved, only the self-denial for Lent.

In memoriam: favorite charcoal v-neck and hoodie

Woke up this morning with the strangest longing for an outfit I used to have years ago. It was probably the best-loved set of clothing I've ever owned-- fitted long-sleeved charcoal gray v-neck with a matching fleecey cropped hoodie. It was remarkable because it was bought for me by my grandparents, and for Christ's sake, whose grandparents ever pick out clothes for them that are not only to their taste but end up being their favorite pieces ever? It was perfect-- fit perfectly, suited my shape perfectly, was a color I loved, exposed just enough midriff to please me but not be inappropriate for high school. And the hoodie was shaped great as well, something to pull on if it was colder and take off if it was warmer. It had a little magenta butterfly on one of those weird tiny zippered change pockets high up on the sleeve, but I didn't care.

I wore this ensemble so often I think my mother grew to hate it. I had an "I wear gray all the time" phase that really irked her, probably started by my love of this outfit. God, I wish I had it now; it made me feel so cool and stylish. I wonder what happened to it. Heh, I wouldn't be surprised if I wore it out, or if my mom threw it away in frustration, or some combination thereof. But I should really keep an eye out for something like that. I don't think I ever loved a set of clothes so much.

Don't know what made me think of that. But it kind of makes me smile.

Meals with artistic people

Having Brenda and Frances over for dinner tonight. It is cold and sad outside, so I want comfort food. I have decided to make a big old meatloaf. Haven't had that in a while, and it will be easy, tasty, and comforting. Frances has an idea for a Hamlet-related theater piece that I'm interesting in hearing about, so we shall discuss that over dinner.

Yesterday I had a lovely lunch with Jonathan and heard about HIS theatrical piece he wanted my help with. As part of his final art show he wants to incorporate a sort of living installation that expresses his theme, and he asked me to play a part in it. I love his idea, and I'm very excited. This should be happening in April, I think, which means plenty of time to prepare.

Have all the headshots taken and prepped now. Just have to print out Jonathan's and we're good to go. I still need people's bios, though. I should send out an e-mail threatening that if I don't get bios by, say, Thursday, I'm writing them myself. And they will say nothing but how awesome I, their wonderful and long-suffering director, am.

Monday, February 15, 2010

I love dinner parties

Lovely day yesterday. A good chunk was spent in Frances's lovely company with her coming over to Elsinore to study and myself doing little chores, as well as in preparation for a big dinner that was the brainchild of Steph. Bernie and I made creme brulee ahead of time, so it would have time to set. We're still a little thrown off by the fact that he don't have a recipe for my twelve-ounce ramekins, so we're never quite sure of the cooktime. Bernie caramelized the sugar on top with his beloved torch, and they seemed to be a big hit. They certainly are elegant-looking, for all how easy they are to make. I personally thought they tasted a little burnt on top, with extremely tasty custard beneath, but I'm beginning to suspect that it's supposed to be that way, and I just don't particularly like the flavor of the caramelized sugar. So they were probably perfect!

I found a recipe in my new Rachel Ray cookbook for a French onion soup with an Italian twist-- the broth has a dash of balsamic in it, and the crouton on top is covered with a bruschetta of tomato, mozzarella, and basil. We cooked at Wittenburg, the name that Brenda and Frances have given their grad. To my chagrin I set off their fire alarm when I put my first batch of croutons under their unpexpectedly powerful broiler and burned everything, necessitating a new loaf of bread and entirely too much time having to listen to that damned siren. My apologies to everyone's eardrums. The soup came out well, though. I think the bruschetta brightened up the onion flavor. Because I didn't want to buy wine, I substituted white wine vinegar in the broth, which may have made it a bit too acidic. I don't know, is vinegar more acidic than wine? I would think so. Still, it was an easy, flavorful recipe that I plan on making again, and it nicely complimented the tomato-basil pasta dish that Frances contributed. We did have three desserts, what with the creme brulee, Steph's strawberry empanadas, and the baked brie that Shana made. All in all, it was a really nice evening, if a bit more disorganized than I like. In my growing experience throwing dinner parties, I find I prefer when they're more coordinated, so everybody knows to make dishes that compliment each other, and when we know how many people are coming to better estimate how much to make. We could have done with one less side dish and one more dessert. ;-)

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Headshot editing

I spent most of the morning working on editing the headshots for the display I will be putting outside the theater for To Think of Nothing. I started at ten and wasn't really finished until two, if that gives you any idea how much I had to learn about getting what I wanted done. It's a good thing Liz Baessler is cute, or I really would have not been pleased with all the time I spent staring at her headshot before I figured things out. On the bright side, I'm now decently handy with Adobe Photoshop Elements 6.0. Now all seven that I have are ready. They're not printing, which is bugging me, but I'm assuming it's because my color cartridge is empty. I would have thought black and white photos wouldn't have needed the color one, but I can't think of any other reason it would pull the photo paper in and spit it back out blank again. I still have to take a headshot of morethings5*, but I shall be seeing him sometime this week, so I'll just be sure to get it then.

I also went out and bought some colored paper for mounting and a black trifold foam core board for the display. I meant to start organizing the layout, but since I can't print on my own printer right now I'm stuck. I don't really want to buy a new color cartridge right now, but I'm hoping to borrow someone's printer so I don't have to delay too much on this.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

I am the MacGuyver of baking!

I may not be the best baker ever, but sometimes I think I'm the cleverest. :-)

I have a tendency to produce baked goods that are perfectly edible, even delicious, but tend to come out broken or misshapen or otherwise not in the physical form they should be. As I mentioned, I wanted to make red velvet moon pies for Jared as an early Valentine's treat, because he's going on his ski vacation tomorrow. You may know these little frosting and cake sandwiches as whoopie pies; my grandmother called them gobs. But this particular package, sent to me by my mother from Williams-Sonoma, wasn't turning out the way I expected. The batter and the frosting were thicker and grainier than I thought they'd be, possibly because I had only an eletric beater rather than a stand mixer. I also didn't have the proper form pan to make the cakes in. I can't imagine who actually would buy a pan of such limited application as to be specifically for moon pies. So the alternative was to just make little one-and-a-half-inch mounds of batter on parchment paper on a cookie sheet. This was tough, since the batter was so thick and sticky, and it was hard to gauge if they were the right size or not. Still, I threw them in the oven and hoped for the best. Ten minutes later, my batter had baked nicely but spread out into formless ugly cake-blobs. That's when I had my stroke of genius. I didn't have a biscuit cutter, which would have been ideal, but I found a half-cup measuring cup with just about the right circumference. I used this cup to cut out properly-sized circular rounds out of my hideous little cake monstrosities. This made them look the way they were supposed to, and they were a lot easier to stack into sandwiches! Didn't taste half-bad, either. :-) And I was very pleased to present Jared with not only delicious but appetizing-looking snackies. I am glad to report that he enjoyed them.

It reminded me of the time I baked a two-layer mocha cake that broke into a million pieces when I tried to extract it from the cake pan. I rescued this from disaster by chopping it up, putting it into individual bowls, squirting in some hot fudge, topping it with whipped cream, and calling it brownie pudding. :-) I actually considered doing something like this with the scraps of cake cut off from the moon pies, but there weren't much of them, and they were the driest parts of the cakes anyway, so I didn't bother. But I'm proud of my ability to salvage broken or misshapen but otherwise tasty baked goods. I know taste is more important than appearence when it comes to food, but nothing makes something seem more appetizing than a nice presentation. And I'm pleased I can find ways to salvage presentation when things go awry.

Friday, February 12, 2010

I don't like waist-height belts

I don't really like the look of natural-waist-level belts. I'm not sure why. It's a very popular style these days, but something about them looks... uncomfortable to me. Even slightly dated, really, throwing back to the days when everyone wore their pants all the way up that high. I really really hate high waistbands, and the tying-off-in-the-middle effect just seems off to me. I much prefer the look of belts at hip-level; they look more natural there to my eye.

The weird thing is, waist-level belts can really nip in the look of a woman's waist, and I like when women emphasize the difference between their waist and the greater width of their hips. It's a very appealing contrast; I can even remember reading studies that suggest that men find most attractive not necessarily the women with the smallest waists, but with the most definite narrowness of waist in comparison to the wideness of hip. Belts do a lot to create definite waists when clothing or features of the figure would obscure them. But still, as much as like their narrowing influence, I dislike the look of the belt itself there.

Of course, the style isn't really appropriate for me anyway. I don't really need much in the way of waist-narrowing, as mine is pretty narrow naturally. Where I do need help is in the hip department. My hips are flat and slim. Wearing belts at hip-height somehow has the inverse affect of wearing them at waist-height; rather than narrowing, the hard flat line running acros there creates an illusion of width, serving in the opposite manner to create the look of the contrast I like so much.

So while waist-height belts may be figure-flattering for some ladies, they are not appropriate for me, and for some reason I just don't like how they look there anyway. I wonder if wearing clothes that are cut to be narrow at the waist and flare out towards the hip can do the job just as well, without that banding across the middle I dislike so much, or if that would not have as great an effect.

Shadow Over Babylon costuming

The elegant, delicate, and amazingly low-priced sterling silver Star of David necklace I ordered to wear for The Last Seder came in today. It is very pretty, if a little smaller than I pictured, and it inspires me to get cracking on my remaining Intercon costuming. I'm now working on figuring out my costume for Shadow Over Babylon. It's turning out to be tougher than I thought.

Right now I'm leaning towards cool government agent in the black suit with the crisp white shirt. I don't exactly have a black suit, but I can approximate. Let's start with the same black dress skirt I will be wearing for Last Seder. Off-white button-up blouse? It's not as crisp as I would like. Maybe I could get away with the short-sleeved white mandarin collar button-up if I wear a jacket over it. Trouble is, I don't have a black suit jacket or blazer. Have the red blazer, but it's not as severe as I want. And I'm thinking I want to get that tailored for better fit anyway. Maybe ask Mom to send my charchoal gray one up? Would that be severe enough? Could be. I also have the black velour mandarin collar jacket-- would the different texture go with the black skirt? Again, would it look too soft? Wish I had dark sunglasses; the only prescription ones I've got are brown. They might work in a pinch, though they're not ideal. Wish I had plain black pumps; my only black dress shoes are a little too sexy. Could my tall boots work, or are they too stylish? Could always hit the thrift store, I guess, but I really do not wish to spend any money.

A thought on acting that occurred to me

In both theater and larping, I would like to be thought of as a workhorse actor. By this I mean the kind of actor that you can trust with a difficult, particular, or demanding part to get into it, make something of it, and give it their all. I want people casting me to think "I can trust Phoebe with this part." Most recently I was going for that in Romeo and Juliet, and while I don't think the relationship I was aiming for was quite established, I do feel like I got my part based on my efforts to cultivate that attitude. Paris needed an actor who was going to keep the role sympathetic, would keep from taking too much of the spotlight, and (if female) be willing to play the character as a man. That meant I had to be willing to support other actors more than own the stage myself, and I definitely couldn't have hangups about subverting my femininity for the role. That's just one example, but it's a pretty good one. I don't want people worrying that I'll revert to my default acting settings if they give me a part that's outside my typical range. I don't want people thinking that there's something I "can't" do onstage. I want them to feel like if they have a part with something challenging to it that they need to trust to someone who'll get the job done, they can turn to me. This goes for larps as well as plays. Though I worry sometimes by saying this I'm asking to get stuck with thin characters, I do want GMs thinking that I will be able to handle the parts they're worried won't play well unless a strong enough larper to move them is cast in those roles.

As a director and a GM, I know I've commented plenty of times about people who can do this but can't do that, about people who can be counted on to do something in particular even if it's not what is being asked, about players' and actors' limitations and bad habits. I want to be the actor and larper who is seen to have neither. Even if I may not be the best, I want to be seen as one who will take the demands of the role that is given and find the way to get them done.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

To Think of Nothing - official invitation

It occurs to me that my show opens exactly two weeks from today. So I am exhausting all venues I can think of to get the word out about it. A Facebook invite has already been setup, but to reach those who read my Livejournal but like myself aren't big Facebook fans, here's the repost of the invitation for you:

To Think of Nothing, directed by Bernie Gabin and Phoebe Roberts, will be playing two nights only in the Merrick Black Box Theater in the Spingold Theater at Brandeis University, Thursday February 25th and Friday February 26th, to start at 8PM. The show should run no longer than an hour. Tickets are free, but donations are gladly accepted.

Starring

JARED HITE (Faustus, Claudius, Lear, Oberon, Lord Capulet) as Cassander
FRANCES KIMPEL (Caliban, Hamlet, Dromio of Syracuse, Tybalt, Brutus) as Andromeda
STEPHANIE KAROL (Goneril, Helena, Marc Antony) as Thalia
CAITLIN PARTRIDGE (Juliet, Casca) as Euphrosyne
LIZ BAESSLER (Snug, Mercutio) as Aglaea
JONATHAN PLESSER (Albany, Lysander, Friar Lawrence, Julius Caesar/Octavian) as Damon
CHARLOTTE OSWALD (Hippolyta) as Selene
JONATHAN KINDNESS (Rosencrantz, Gloucester, Bottom) as Palamon

As I said-- "This is probably the most significant thing I've done as a writer and artist. It would mean the world to me if you would do me the honor of marking this down and coming to see my show. If you are available on either date, please come join me for this important event."

Tickets are free, but seating is limited, so it is recommended that you reserve your seats ahead of time. Drop me a line at breakinglight11@gmail.com with the showing you're coming for and the number of seats you'd like to reserve.

We may be adding a Friday matinee, but I want to talk to everyone in the cast about it first.

Graces were graceful

Grace rehearsal went very well last night. I was pleased that once I even mentioned that they would need to carry themselves a particular way, they all started doing it on their own, and I didn't have much work to get them to where they needed to be. The synchronicity was a bit tougher, but they got the idea and we'll have several dress rehearsals to practice. Well done, lovely Steph, Caitlin, and Liz.

We also fitted the chitons last night. I was a lot happier with the results than I feared I'd be; they will most likely not look totally absurd. :-) The fabric did have the unfortunate tendency to obscure their shapes, which is not the most flattering of looks, but with some strategically-tied cords and draped colorful shawls, I feel they will appear with at least some measure of the necessary elegance. That means, except for some shoes that still need to be found-- ah, appropriate shoes, the tough little side note that plagues theater and larp costumes alike --To Think of Nothing is totally costumed.

Tonight I can relax a little. I am very much looking forward to going to BSCF tonight and playing Small World with captainecchi*. I love that game, and it'll be lovely to spend some time with her. I am also planning on baking these yummy-looking red velvet moon pie thingies for Jared. They're kind of a Valentine's Day treat, but since he'll be off on a ski vacating on Valentine's Day, I'm making them early. I hope he likes them; God knows I'm optimistic about anything with red velvet in it.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Tonight-- chitons!

Last night Bernie and I went to the fabric store to find cloth to wrap the Graces in for chitons for To Think of Nothing. We found some nice muslin that would work appropriately, and it looks like we'll probably be able to repurposes it after the show for curtain material for Julius Caesar. We're also sharing makeup, which contributes to budgetary restraint. I plan on messing around with the fabric today to figure out how I want the chitons to look, then taking it with me to rehearsal tonight. It's going to be all about the Graces; we're going to be working on synchronicity of movement, body position, and timing with them, as well as what I hope will be the final fitting of them into their costumes. I shall be sure to bring plenty of safety pins.

Hmm. Says it's supposed to start snowing by ten. If that's the case, I hope it stays light until after one when I get out of work. I hate driving on slippery roads; not being able to brake properly terrifies me.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

AAAHHHH BAD ROMANCE WAAAAAHHHHHH

Bleh, that Lady Gaga Bad Romance song is stuck in my head, waaaaah... get it out. As Frances described it, it has lots of sounds that are "fascinating and satisfying" in it but I'm not sure I like the song as a whole entity. And the video is MADNESS and has, like, nothing to do with the song and I can't decided if I find it cool and interesting or weird-for-the-sake-of-weird off-putting or if I think La Gaga herself is a gorgeous sexy supermodel or a creepy crazy twisted freak. Gaaaah, get Bad Romance out of my heeeeeeead....

Another casting!

Got my casting for Shadow Over Babylon at Intercon. I believe myself to be an adaptation of a popular nineties science fiction character. I am not sure how I feel about that. ;-) I'll be honest, the character doesn't leap out at me, but I think she'll be playable and I've heard such excellent things about the game that I am approaching things with an open mind. I am Veronica Miles, and since I am mentioned in the bluesheet, I doubt there's a problem with my saying that.

Now, as the US government's official liason in Iraq, I have a couple costume possibilities to consider. I could go the power suit direction and look super-professional and super-official, with, like, navy and white with maybe some red. Or I could go a slightly more military route and do the khakhi and green scheme. I'm not sure exactly how much of a field agent I'm supposed to be, so the level of formality could matter. Or maybe a black-based ensemble would look both professional and capable at the same time.

I'll have to do some closet-digging with my character sheet out, I think. I'm having a hard time conceptualizing this one, but I'd prefer not to buy anything if I don't have to.

Can someone tell you to have good body image?

In my quest to learn more about stylish dressing, I have begun checking out the writings of a handful of style bloggers. Two I recommend are Sally of Already Pretty and Allie of Wardrobe Oxygen, which have been extremely helpful in learning about the basics of fit, quality, color, and figure flattery.

One thing that throws me a little is the frequency, particularly in Sally's blog, of articles on bad body image and how to get out of it. In theory I think this is a great idea; every woman should love their body and not feel less valuable because of it. But when I come across them in the blog, they make me feel weird, and I'm genuinely not sure why. Is it because I am in that elusive "traditionally pretty" group and am assumed to not have to worry about the stuff other women feel insecure about? Am I feeling guilt by implication of desiring and being able to conform to the supposedly "unrealistic standards" which makes so many other women feel bad? Am I feeling unfairly demonized as a perpetuator of the Cult of Thin and not feeling I deserve the blame for other people's lack of self-esteem? Am I just so digustingly narcissistic that I can't stand the idea of anything but my body type being allowed to be considered beautiful?

I don't know. I'm really not sure. Okay, I doubt it's that last one, or at least no more than the faintest touch. I just know that something seems off to me about all these exhortations to self-esteem. Maybe I'm just not sure how someone telling you to like stuff about yourself that you don't is going to work. Does that really work? It kind of comes off as "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like me," to me. Like, where's the line between learning to genuinely find beauty in your body and reciting happy crap because you can't stand feeling bad anymore? Can anyone tell you how to change your mindset about yourself?

Most people see me having the opposite problem to "comparing my body to the supposed ideal and now it feels inferior." I get tarred with the brush of "my body is only beautiful because it can meet the standard." Now, by now anyone who knows me should have some idea that it is incredibly important to me to stay thin. It is worth a great deal of work and sacrifice to me to maintain my lean strong figure. I think I would really look less attractive if I gain weght. Some people seem to think this is an indicator that I have bad body image. "You feel like you can't be beautiful unless you're thin. You have pinned your self-esteem on something unhealthy and unrealistic."

But the thing is... I love my body. Yes, I love it thin and spare the way it is right now, but I genuinely do love it. Does the believing in the condition that I stay thin in order to be attractive mean that I have bad body image even though I love my body? If I didn't meet the conditions I set for myself, would I hate it?

I have bad days, sure; I think everyone does. I have days when I feel like a cow, when all I can see is acne and boxy ribcage and flat rack and knobby hips and stomach, stomach, all of that fucking STOMACH that obsesses so much of my mental real estate. But in general... I love my body, and I love the way I look. I look in the mirror and love the gorgeous face and the killer, sexy, fantastic figure reflected back at me. It sounds incredibly conceited to say this stuff, but why shouldn't I believe such good things of myself? Isn't that what everyone in the body-positive movement is supposed to work towards? I am proud to say I am an astonishingly beautiful girl.

And not only do I believe I'm an astonishingly beautiful girl, other people do as well. People I know, people I don't know. I get stopped on the street, at the mall, in the grocery store, at the goth club, everywhere I go by people who want to tell me I'm beautiful. I have heard the words "fantastic," "ridiculous," "my ideal," "stunning." I even love that this pretensious prick I met once hilariously called me "mainstream in extremis"-- which I choose to interpret as "the pretty that everyone acknowledges."

Of course that raises another question-- how would I feel if I didn't have that self-image reinforced by others? If I didn't have so many people who found me beautiful and made the point of telling me so, would I still be so comfortable and confident in that truth? What if skinny girls weren't plastered all over the media as the chosen attractive image? Would the fact that I still don't have those goddamn flat abs I covet so desperately get to me if outside factors didn't validate me?

But then, when Jared tells me some part of myself I don't think is so beautiful is beautiful in his opinion, does it really change my mind? Does him telling me "You'd still be beautiful if you gained weight," make me really believe that? I'm not so sure it always does.

This isn't a very coherent entry. I'm just kind of thinking out loud. I'm not sure what the distinction is between genuinely changing your mindset and forcing yourself to believe things you didn't before. Where does good body image come from? I guess I just don't know if I think you can get it from some outside force telling you to have it. I don't know.

What do you think?

Monday, February 8, 2010

Plans and progress


I have added separate sections on costuming to bl_endeavors, in addition to project progress, cooking, and daily wardrobe. It is slowly becoming ever so slightly more than just "what I wore today" records. :-)

Another full-cast rehearsal tonight. Now that the show has been completely put together, we will just be running through it until it's as polished as possible. Maybe we can even do curtain call tonight. I love doing curtain call; it's always been one of my favorite parts of the process.

Things that need to happen in the very near future include experimenting making chitons for the Graces and getting into Hold Thy Peace storage. It seems as though our best option is to use the same method as Steph did for her Greek goddess Halloween costume, so we need large swaths of white fabric for that. She may have two bedsheets that would work, but we need three, and I'd like them all the same color. I am hoping to get this fabric secured over the next few days. I also took a look at Charlotte's burgundy gown. It's very pretty, if not terribly Elizabethan-looking, but we think if we put a blousey white poet's shirt beneath it it would work just fine. Plesser also needs a poet shirt to go under his doublet. Kindness needs to try on that green dress shirt of Jared's. All the women needs shoes as well. It would be excellent if we could arrange to have all these things at rehearsal tonight, which other than hitting a fabric store by then I think is possible to accomplish.

We also need to figure out what we're doing about getting a desk. I wonder if Spingold storage would have one we could borrow, though I'm not sure how to go about getting an appointment to take a look around. I also saw one at the thrift store when I visited the other day, which likely would not be expensive, but it was a little smaller than I would have wanted. Shall have to consult with Bernie and see what he thinks.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

This is just to say tonight

Tonight was rehearsal for To Think of Nothing. A very special rehearsal.

Tonight I looked very beautiful. Maybe it was the energy of creation. But during the break when I saw myself suddenly in the bathroom mirror, my eyes were bright, my color was high, and I was startlingly beautiful.

Tonight I finished the last of my special tea. I will not be buying more anytime soon due to budgetary constraints, but I will miss it until I can.

Tonight I discovered that my fedora goes well with my camel coat. The band is almost exactly the same color as the wool. I like that very much.

Tonight it occurred to me how much I like the clicking sound of my tall boots. It makes me feel authoritative, stylish, and sleek.

Tonight Jared was excellent. Everything I hoped he would be. Tonight Frances was lovely. She has stepped into the character. She even wore the red dress tonight, and I was lost in looking at her. Tonight things seemed good when I was afraid they would not.

Tonight we had our first full run through of To Think of Nothing. The play I wrote exists. As my troubled protagonist Cassander found, sometimes, there are no words.

My mother is smarter than me

I mentioned to my mom the other day that my staticky hair was driving me batty. She suggested I use more conditioner. I conditioned THE HELL out of it yesterday, and Great Caesar's Ghost, this is the most manageable and un-maddening it's been all week. I heartily recommend this to anyone with similar static-electricity problems.

I also told my mom about the dress I found for Frances's costume. She told me that, no, dear, taking your actor's inseam does not give you enough information to hem a skirt to proper length-- how, for lack of more delicate phrasing, do you know where the crotch starts on the dress? Torso lengths vary, dear. One must have them wear the dress and then tack up the hem to where it must be.

Thank you, Mom, for being so much smarter than me.

Friday, February 5, 2010

Costume success!

Hit the thrift store today in hopes of finding something for use in To Think of Nothing. The biggest thing I was looking for a red formal dress for Frances. Her character Andromeda is supposed to look like she was dressed for an evening out at the theater. I wasn't expecting to see anything suitable, but to my pleasant surprise I found an elegant gown in a perfect color. I tried it on myself, and found it a very nice fit. This made me optimistic, as Frances is similarly shaped to me, but I immediately after became nervous, as I have tried on costume pieces on her behalf before that did not always end up fitting her. Still, it was just the look I wanted, so I decided to take the chance and buy it. When Frances and Brenda came over for dinner tonight, she offered to try it on. Figuring I should get my heart broken sooner rather than later, I agreed. I waited in the kitchen, my breath caught in my throat... only to have my lovely leading lady emerge looking perfect in the gown. I couldn't believe I actually lucked out! So, for only eight dollars, Andromeda is excellently costumed.

It needs ironing, and it will have to be hemmed to proper length, but that's nothing I can't take care of. Will have to investigate how to accomplish the sewing. So that means Frances, Jared, and Plesser are dressed. Jared will be wearing a sky blue button-down shirt. Plesser will be wearing the blue Elizabethan doublet my mother made for my brother when he played Romeo a few years back. It's a beautiful piece, blue velour on one side and reversible with a silky blue patterned other side. If we had more time and a bigger budget, I might ask her to make the costume for Charlotte. I need a burgundy Elizabethan gown for her, which might be tough to find. If worst comes to worse, I think she may have a burgundy dress that we might be able to make seem Elizabethan in a pinch. We need a green button-down for Kindness, but that won't be tough to find. If he doesn't have one of his own, Jared does.

Not sure what were going to do about the Graces. They need to look ancient Greek, but not too cheesy costumey ancient Greek. If we can find white gowns with that air that would be fine, and if worst comes to worst, Steph knows how to make pretty cool-looking chitons out of sheets.

So we're in pretty good shape, costume-wise. And we're keeping the budget low too! Hooray!

Planning for dinner with Frances and Brenda

Trying to figure out what to make for dinner with Frances and Brenda tonight. As it often is when I cook for other chefs, I get a bit anxious to impress them with what I serve. Brenda is quite knowledgeable and talented in the kitchen, you see, and Frances is no slouch herself. I plan to run it by Jared first, but at the moment I'm leaning towards tilapia in balsamic brown butter with a farfalle in tomato-mascarpone sauce on the side. This is a delicious Rachel Ray recipe I've made for several little gatherings, so it is a tasty, visually appealing dish that I know I can capably prepare. I'm planning on asking them to arrive in the early evening so Jared has some time to spend with them as well. At eight tonight he has the supers game, so I'm looking forward to him at least joining us for dinner beforehand.

On a distantly related note, I kind of want to take a picture of myself in my bikini with an apron and a chef's hat over it and then caption it with, "Never trust a skinny chef." This appeals to both my vanity and my sense of humor.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Project record-keeping

I have not been cooking enough recently. I was really pleased with how the stew came out the other night, and the whole process was so pleasant and relaxing and satisfying I see it would be quite good for me to do more of that. At rehearsal last night on a whim I invited Frances over for dinner tomorrow evening, so Jared and I will be entertaining her and Brenda before he goes to his supers campaign. I shall have to pick something very special to cook; it's been a long time since I just got to hang out with them socially. I did get no fewer than five lovely cookbooks of various kinds this past Christmas, so selecting something suitable should not be a problem.

I know that I have not been cooking enough recently because cooking has shown up so rarely in my blogging lately, both here and what I'm calling my new record book. I started an auxiliary LJ account (bl_endeavors on the remote chance that anyone cares) as a place to keep records of what I have done working toward my various projects-- improving my cooking abilities, improving my dressing habits, my writing projects, stuff like that. I like keeping records of such things, if to no further end than I like being able to read over and compare them to see what is consistent and what has changed. Thus far it has mostly been my documenting the outfits I've been putting together each day to see what works and what doesn't, and what pieces I wear a lot and feel good about and what should be gotten rid of. I started a new journal to do this in because I very much doubt anyone is interested in such minutiae besides me, and I didn't want it cluttering up my oh-so-much-more-significant entries on life angst, closet wrangling, and larp babble. Most of the entries have been about outfits if only because while the outside force of propriety compels me to dress every day, but laziness and shortness of time often keep me from cooking every day. If I have something interesting other than just recording what the product that day was I will continue to write it here, but the dull flat facts I will confine to the alternate space.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

On a related musing note...

Something occurred to me just now. As I once mused here, I have an inclination to nothingness. When I am not at my best, nothing is more wearying to me than being unable to escape other presences in my life, whether those presences be people, expectations, obligations, anything at all that I was required to engage with. Often rather than seeking comfort in good things, I seek the comfort of nothingness. No people to talk to, pleasant or unpleasant. No work that has to be completed, validating or burdensome. No events to attend, fun or tedious. No effort to put out, no expectations to meet, no outside anything of any kind. Even when I'm feeling good, the fear of unpleasant outside forces often drive me to avoid everything entirely.

This is a real failing in me. This is the seed of what can grow into apathy, passivity, nihilism. People like that live at all moments one step closer to suicide. And yet... one consistent comment that I have received from many different quarters is remarking on how much I am engaged in. When I think about it, I see that I am a busy, proactive person who never is without an undertaking of some kind. I write, run, and play games. I throw events like dinners and parties. I put on and participate in plays. I do things all the time. I am somebody who frequently brings about things that would not happen, or would not happen as well, had I not undertaken the effort to make them so.

Maybe it was because I was brought up with the notion that interesting people do things. The sign of a decent human being is one who cares about and is engaged in something, no matter what it is. Maybe that concept helps me overcome this failing in me. But the point is, though, that I am overcoming it. I am doing the better thing despite my negative natural inclinations.

Good for me. :-)

Musings on my current state of mind

My hair is a staticky greasy horror today, so it was banished to two little buns on top of my head. I can never decide whether this makes me look cute or stupid.

I noticed I am developing a bad habit when I'm feeling down these days of basically reciting a litany of my problems to myself, sometimes over and over again. I think because I feel kind of pathetic about so often being overwhelmed by bad feeling lately, I need to remind myself that I have legitimate reasons for feeling bad so I feel less pathetic. I guess it's reassuring myself that no, you're not being completely stupid, you actually do have some real problems that are worth being sad over, you're not just some pussy whiner who can't handle anything. I may still feel bad, but at least I don't feel weak and pitiful.

Except it's actually pretty tough to convince myself that things are a big enough deal that I'm not just a whiner. Even just asserting "I have real problems" right now I feel kind of absurd. Makes me sound like a drama queen. I've always been inclined to ascribe my bad feeling to my just being a big sucky baby rather than claim to suffer any significant negative circumstance. It's tough to not feel like I'm just playing the victim if I ever try. Not surprising given my ideal state is to need nothing and do everything for myself.

The real problem with this bad habit, though, is that it's making it hard not to dwell on the negative. Maybe I would be sad anyway even if I didn't do this, but focusing on it so much I think is making it worse. I need to stop going over it again and again in my head. I guess I'm just worried that if I persist in being sad, I'll only make it worse because I get mad at myself for persisting in being sad. And I don't know any other way to stop getting mad at myself for it.

*Sigh* I'm working on it. I feel pretty good today. Last night I successfully cooked a stew, finished a Labor Wars character sheet, and though I didn't finish blocking for the play, at least a little progress has been made. Two out of three ain't bad. I want to go back over the sheet once more before the meeting tonight to make sure it's what I want. And I think I can get through the blocking. I feel better when I am accomplishing good things.

Post-Redemption

This past weekend was Brian and Alison's larp Redemption: High Noon at the Devil's Luck. I enjoyed this game and my character; I've always liked the Western genre and always wanted to see a larp set in the Wild West. I had some problems with it-- I prefer it when the GM is not so invested in a particular outcome. It was extremely thickly plotted, which I approved of, but I think there were internal inconsistencies that needed to be smoothed out, and tonally it was just a bit more over-the-top than I would have wanted. But I very much liked playing. Especially with the great cast it had, it was a good time and I'm glad I got to play. I was particularly pleased to see April Farmer came out. She's a friend we met through Hold Thy Peace and seemed intrigued by Jared and my going on about larps, so I was really happy that she enjoyed it. I hope she comes out to larp with us again, so I plan on keeping her informed about Festival.

Monday, February 1, 2010

Disjointed and strange is better than down

Feeling disjointed and strange today, but better than I was. Sometimes life just doesn't let up on you. Some stuff this weekend came at very poor timing given how much else I have to stress me out right now. Times like this I feel completely ill-equipped to deal with my life. But I'm not quite so down today, so perhaps I'll be able to accomplish things in spite of it.

I am drinking tea to keep myself settled. I think it's helping me stay relaxed. I see I'm almost out of my Teavana chai blend. I like it a lot, but I don't think I'll be replenishing it anytime soon. My budget is very tight right now, so all non-necessary expeditures need to be put on hold for a while. I was just hit with a couple of financial obligations in a row which add up to being a little more than I can comfortably manage. If nothing else, as soon as possible I want to be able to pay back twilighttremolo* for her part when she almost moved in with us way back when; I feel really bad about how long she's been out that money.

Tonight will be a night for getting things done. I have nowhere to be, so I am planning on staying in. I haven't cooked in ages, and I think that might be a nice thing to do tonight. That, I hope, will be good for my health, my stress level, and my pocketbook. Don't know what I'll make yet, but something warm and comforting seems appropriate. Maybe a soup or stew.

I am planning on meeting with Bernie before his campaign tonight, and over dinner we will plan out the rest of the show. Rehearsal went well enough last night, but there was a scene I just didn't know how to block to achieve the effect I desired, and I felt like there was a moment where the things I said were being ignored, which was just a little too much for me given how stressed I've been. But I took a minute, decided we'd put the tough part on hold, and we all moved on to do some very good work. But for Thursday I want to know exactly what we're going to do, so by the end of this week the entire show will be completely blocked.

When it's time for Bernie to go to his game, I will work on the character sheet due for the Labor Wars meeting tomorrow until I finish it. I've made a decent chunk of progress already, but I need to get it done before tomorrow. I meant to finish on Friday night, while many of my typical companions were at lightgamer*'s Four-Color Supers game, but I got sick and went to bed so early that I wasted my free evening. So that has to happen tonight.

So yeah. I feel blah right now, but not so down. That's something. I can use this to move forward.
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