A melancholy person

I've kind of gotten used to the idea of myself as inclined to be a mope. A melancholy person, a person with anger issues, whose nature it is to linger low. But-- I accepted this with the caveat that I wasn't always this way. That this is a recent development, based on the unprecedented level of stress in my life in recent years. I used to be a mellow person, a contented, vital person. And maybe if I move past this stuff, I can be that mellow, contented, vital person again. Because that's the person I really was.

But tonight something occurred to me. The last time I was like that? I was less than eighteen years old. A child. Before I went away to school, before I left my parents' house. I have never been like that in my entire adult life. I was a happy child. I am a melancholy adult. I have never been anything but a melancholy adult. As a fully formed person, this is the person that I am.

Maybe I can be mellow, contented, vital someday. But I have lost the comfort that I could "revert," that I already had this inside me, as part of me, maybe even the true me. Like getting back to my old weight. But I will have to become an entirely new person. I will have to become something entirely different than what I am.

Because as long as I have been a person, I have never been anything but melancholy.

Realization of moving forward

As you may remember, one of my Lenten resolutions was to work on keeping a more serene outlook. By the time Ash Wednesday rolled around, I had become so easily overwhelmed and so fast to lose my temper that I was losing my cool at even the slightest frustration. I resolved that I would spend my Lent learning to keep my head and stay centered even when I felt upset or unable to cope, no matter how big or small the issue in my way.

I'm feeling pretty pressed right now. The last several weeks have been intense. No free evenings, lots of new responsibilities at work, two huge homework assignments, the need to get off-book for my show. I am knocking them off slowly, but the coincidence of all these deadlines with how little free time I've had to work on them has not been easy. In fact, I was thinking yesterday at how remarkable it was that I haven't panicked at the amount of work. And I realized then that I've been doing much, much better at keeping my head when I'm feeling stressed or overwhelmed.

During Lent I started working to catch myself when I could feel I was losing it. "Keep your head. Keep it together. You're stronger than that." I've always been surprised by how successful it's been to tell myself, "You are strong. Now prove it." It's been hard to remember to do that since my pattern has become to respond with immediate and all-consuming rage, but I start focusing on checking myself. I've also had good luck with a silly little trick I've had since childhood, to imagine what if I were in a really tough situation like some hero in a story I like, having to be actually brave with people who depended on me to save them, would it do to let myself lose it then? Childish as it is, it really helps. I know, because staring down my screenplay, my reading, my fiction piece, my new job stuff, and all those Irene Adler lines, I am not shaken, I am simply working through.

I think I really improved myself with my efforts over Lent. And in breaking that pattern, in establishing a new pattern, it's become easier to do. The oncoming tide of upset is smaller and no longer so difficult to hold back. You really can change your brain through your habits. And I feel incredibly good that I managed it.

7 Topics Meme - Cooking

Continuing the seven topics meme, as suggested to me by rigel*:

- Self-analysis through theater
- Religion
- Performance in LARPing
- Dressing for fuller-figured women
- Self-control
- Cooking
- Generosity

I grew up in a house where food was always considered interesting and important. My mother is an excellent cook that only got better as I got older, and in recent years my dad's hobbies have come to focus very much on food- and cooking-related arts. They taught me to see it as a creative outlet, a fascinating topic of study, and as an expression of love and social connection. The primary way we celebrate holidays is to spend the day together, talking and enjoying each other's company, as we prepare an elaborate meal.

I didn't get into cooking seriously, beyond helping my family growing up, until I moved into Elsinore as a senior in college. I had a kitchen of my own for the first time, so I decided it was about time I figure out how to organize a meal on my own. With my mom's remote guidance and a lot of experimentation on my own, I found I made a lot of progress in a short amount of time! I probably did it in the worst way imaginable, by inviting lots of people over. When you're not sure if the meal is going to come out, having lots of people waiting hungrily is not the best idea! But it turned out I was pretty good at it right away. I think that's one of the reasons I came to enjoy it so much. Around that time it seemed that absolutely everything was tough and required a ton of work to master, I was good at cooking immediately, and that felt nice for a change.

The way I like to show kindness and generosity to the people I love is to provide a nice experience, a good time for them to enjoy and remember. Entertaining in a grand way exactly fits the bill, and nothing enhances such an experience as good food. Providing a well-cooked spread of food makes parties and events so much better. It shows my love, and is a meaningful way to be generous.

With my fixation on my weight, there's always the temptation to look at food in an unhealthy, unhappy way-- to start dividing food into "good" and "evil," to view eating as a chore or an assault. But because cooking is fun and creative and such a great way to share love and good times, it helps me focus on the joy and art of it rather than just thinking, well, it tastes good now, but I'll be a lot less happy when it ruins it my figure.

I really don't like to eat bad food. I'd rather go hungry than eat bad food. I'm not like Jared or my dad, in which a lousy dinner at a restaurant can ruin their whole evening, but I hate wasting the calories on something I didn't enjoy. I rarely go out to restaurants anymore, because I can cook something much more delicious than anything in my regular price range, for usually much less money per serving. When I cook, I can guarantee myself something healthful and delicious. That means a lot to me.

Cooking is also a way I can help and care for the people important to me. When people are having a rough time, I don't think there's a lot I can do for them in a real sense. Sympathy, sure, but I can't get their work done, lift their stress, or fix their problems. But sometimes I know just taking away some burden, even if it's a small one like making it so you have just one less thing on your massive to do list, can be of real help. So when someone is busy, or struggling, or weighted down, I like to offer to cook dinner and bring it to them. It's a small way I can express love and concern, and in a more tangible sense, make it so that you may have a million problems and jobs to take care of today, but at least you don't have to worry about getting yourself dinner too.

My new routine

In The Screwtape Letters, C.S. Lewis writes very eloquently on the damning situation of being trapped between doing neither what you SHOULD do nor what you WANT to do and therefore wasting your life in a rut of doing nothing. As is so often the case, Jack manages to explicate the matter very clearly for me, as lately I find myself in this situation quite a bit.

As I mentioned recently, I have been having a real problem with focus these days. When it comes to doing work, particularly for school, I've been encountering an amazing amount of difficulty buckling down to a task and getting anything substantial done. Long periods of time that I mean to use for work often just drift into space-out time where nothing meaningful is accomplished. Because I feel guilty for not getting my work done, I feel like it's unjustified for me to spend that time doing something I'd actually like to do instead, so I end up losing all that time to pretty much doing nothing. I'm not sure what's the cause of it-- tiredness, frustration, something else entirely? --but I hate what it's doing to me. It's a point of pride that I've never missed a deadline in my life, but I never used to be a procrastinator, and I'm pretty sure all that rushing at the last minute is pushing down the quality of my work.

So I am going to put myself on a new schedule. I am a creature of habit in the extreme, so when I get into a habit I tend to stick with it pretty closely. My work hours did in fact get pushed back by one hour, so I'd better make the best of it. Now is as good a time as any  to build a new routine.

I'm going to keep getting up at seven like I have been. And I'm going to get a workout in as soon as I get up. At least a half hour of activity. That will give me enough time to get cleaned up before work. It will also get the workout thing out of the way early, so I won't have it hanging over me for the rest of the day.

I will bring lunch with me to work. That way I won't go crazy with hunger or fill up on junk. I'll either prepare this the night before or leave enough time to stop at the grocery store before work. This will also eliminate the need to figure this out after work, which will delay eating further and keep me from moving into the next thing.

I will spend two or three hours of every afternoon working on homework. I will mark this time on my schedule so that my calendar reminds me. If I work for a relatively short period like that every day of the week, I will not have to focus for too long at a stretch and the frequency will keep the work getting done.

I will also schedule time to make dinner more often. My being so busy and unfocused on top of it has kept me from doing this. Consequently I'm not eating very well, nor have I enjoyed one of my favorite hobbies in a pretty long time. Making an effort to shop for groceries for the week instead of randomly when I need something (a longstanding bad habit of mine) will help this, I imagine. I think I will take some time one day out of the week to plan meals and buy supplies will make me much more efficient in this.

Well. That's going to be a pretty big shift from the haphazard, rushing way I've been carrying on lately. But it's really not working for me, I miss my more organized, focused life. So I think I need a radical shift to knock me out of this rut.

If Screwtape drags my ass to hell, it sure isn't going to be for wasting my life on TV Tropes.

7 Topics Meme - Self-Control

Given to me by rigel* for the 7 Topics Meme:

- Self-analysis through theater
- Religion
- Performance in LARPing
- Dressing for fuller-figured women
- Self-control
- Cooking
- Generosity

Now I'm going to talk about self-control. I tend to see self-control as a positive, necessary thing. It can require a lot of discipline to accomplish and is often required to doing the right thing. But I try not to think of it so much as "Stop yourself from doing the bad things you're naturally inclined to do," and more about "Make yourself do the good things you know you should but are hard for some reason."

Sometimes for me it is about the first one. I have a pretty bad temper these days. I didn't always, it just developed over the last few years or so due I think to having a greater amount of struggle and frustration in my life than I ever had before. But it makes me act like a real ass, so I should be doing my damnedest to see that when I feel it boiling over, I make sure my behavior is controlled. I really dislike when people behave badly for failing to impose proper control on their impulses. We are thinking, reasoning creatures; emotions are powerful and significant, worth taking into consideration, but they should not rule us.

To a certain extent, I think any instance of doing the right thing when it's hard is a matter of self-control. I don't think it's all right to fail to do the right thing just because it conflicts with your personal desires. You must control your baser instincts when you wish to avoid responsibility that is yours, to tell lies that are convenient to you, to violate bonds and promises that no longer match up with your personal wishes. These are bigger things that just "don't eat too many cookies" and "don't buy that blouse you don't need."

On another matter of "making yourself do the good things you know you should but are hard for some reason," lately I find myself confronted with a bizarre lack of mental discipline. In the last month, I have been having an increasingly hard time buckling down to focus on my work. I want to do these things, I want to complete my meaningful work, but I have a hell of a time MAKING MYSELF DO IT. It's a point of pride for me that I've never missed a deadline in my life, but I used to not be all that much of a procrastinator and this most recent submission cycle I procrastinated like whoa. This can't go on, it's compromising the quality of what I produce. I must control my laziness and inability to focus in the services of accomplishing the things I want to accomplish. And that's the real advantage of having self-control.

7 Topics Meme - Generosity

rigel* gave me some suggestions for posting about for the 7 Topics Meme:

- Self-analysis through theater
- Religion
- Performance in LARPing
- Dressing for fuller-figured women
- Self-control
- Cooking
- Generosity

The first one I'm going to write about is generosity. Something I have been concerned about a lot recently is whether I'm generous enough. I'm afraid I'm a little too absorbed in my own business a lot of the time to really do generosity right. I hate occasions that are traditionally gift-giving, because I find the press burdensome, both because of the imposition of having to do it, and how hard it can be to find a gift that would really be appropriate for the person at that time. I'm also a fiercely independent person, and I value that virtue so highly that I often wish or even expect others to be the same, "requiring no generosity" you might say.

There's also the matter of the subtle distinction I make between selfishness and self-centeredness. I see a selfish person as someone who takes too much. A self-centered person is someone who just doesn't give enough. The first is about a fixation on "personal increase," let's say, getting more happiness or more comfort or more whatever for themselves, while the second is fixation on preventing "personal decrease," minimizing the loss of the happiness or comfort or whatever they already have. I have a lot more contempt and a lot less patience for the first kind of person-- which is very likely at least in part because the second person describes me a lot more closely. It's in my view not as bad as selfishness, but it still makes you disinclined to generosity-- give nothing, take nothing in that scheme. But there's a flip side to that, the question of the shades of generosity as giving and not taking. Personally, I am much more inclined to offer loving treatment in the form of not taking, freeing someone from the obligation to expend effort and energy. "You don't have to worry about me, you don't have to take care of me, I will place no burdens on you." To someone like me, so inclined to self-centeredness, that is the sort of gift I appreciate myself, but I have to acknowledge that it requires less of me than actually extending myself might.

I do have some generous tendencies in other ways. I have been known, on rare occasion, to notice that somebody needs something and with little fanfare go out and buy it for them, or otherwise quietly take care of some little problem they might have. Not often, that's not really my way, but I've done it and felt the pleasure of doing a kindness to another person for it. Much more my style is that I love hosting and entertaining, I love expending effort and resources in order to see other people have a good time. I will spend all day cooking and organizing in the service of providing a fun and memorable experience to those I care about. Maybe it's because I think experiences are much more valuable and satisfying than things, and I force my values on others. ;-) But even then, I have to admit there's some reasons of self-gratification in why I like to do it. I like being seen as the slick, awesome person who throws the coolest parties. Sure, I enjoy giving other people joy, but I also like the status and validation it confers on me. So again, generosity is not the strongest the virtues in me.

Which is something I should work on. I should make more of an effort to give of myself when it's not completely convenient to me, at least of my attention and time. And I should do more generous acts that don't directly involve making myself feel like a cool kid.

Another Author Trademark of mine

Thought of another thing that crops up in my work a lot. Metatheater! I love, love, love metatheater. To Think of Nothing was my first stab at it, though the theater is the vehicle and the real point is the creation of any kind of art. I someday would like to write other works set in the same universe of that play, dealing with other themes of art and theater. Merely Players, however, really hits on it, being specifically about the process of putting together a production. I am hoping to adapt that idea into a short, funny two-hour larp that deals with the same themes, hopefully with as much humor potential. Making something metatheatrical automatically makes it more interesting to me, probably because I just like theater. I like making it, I like the process and the quirks and the environment of it, and I love it as an art form. So, in years to come when people are analyzing all the various facets of my work, they will surely declare a Phoebe Roberts Author Trademark to be Metatheater. :-)

An Author Trope of mine

I got sucked into wasting some time on TV Tropes, and some of the most interesting ones to me are those about the workings of the Author-- their particular styles, beliefs, preferences, even kinks --emerging in their work. Some of them were creepy and weird, some of them we just about themes they liked exploring. Which made me think about what I like to tackle a lot. I could name a lot of general things, like guilt and redemption, but there's one thing much more specific than that which springs to mind. I'm sure there are others, but this one occurs strongly to me right now.

I have written or at least conceived of several protagonist who are strongly affected by their paralyzing fear of confessing their feelings to the person they love. And it's not simply for fear of rejection; there's a level of denial in there, believing that they are unworthy of that person and therefore should not presume. Most importantly, there's the conviction that this person is it, the one, and once they receive the rejection they're fairly sure is coming then they've not only humiliated themselves, they're no longer able to even hold out hope anymore. Cassander is my first example of this, whose entire arc is overcoming this. I am also working on Sundan, whose arc is conversely how he allows this to destroy himself and everyone around him. There's a small bit of this in Gabriel, but it's part of his generally issue with feeling less than worthy and isn't the defining aspect of it. There may be others elsewhere in my writing, but those probably exemplify it most strongly.

Old lady sweater

I recently thrifted a sweater that I've been wearing quite a lot lately, but despite that it's not in my usual style and I'm not sure how I feel abut it.

I do not normally wear long sweater coats, particularly of this shape, but I was drawn to it to use as a warm over-layer. It's actually a very high-quality piece, BCBGMaxAzria in a hundred percent lambswool that isn't itchy at all. It's also got unusual horizontal seams on the middle of the back and the elbows that spread out into triangles on either side.

I've been wearing it a lot lately because it's warm and easy to thrown on over whatever else I've got on. Trouble is, I feel kind of schlubby in it and that bugs me. I usually hate wearing things of a boxy shape, especially when they're oversized. Clothes that fit like that are the easiest way to make yourself seem shapeless, sloppy, or not put together, all things that I've been trying to avoid ever since I resolved to learn how to dress better. And from the back, well, let's say it doesn't make it my most flattering angle.

Looks like you could land on a plane on my ass. At least you can see the back seam better.

I never want to settle for looking like a schlub just for something that's comfortable and warm; there is always an equivalent that looks nicer that I could go for instead. I haven't been feeling terribly attractive lately, what with the weight gain and everything else, so I worry this is a sign that I'm starting to feel like what's the point, I'm not going to look that good anyway. I don't know. I go back and forth between whether I think it looks bad or whether it's a perfectly legitimate styling I'm just not used to on myself. I know it's just a stupid sweater, not exactly worth having a crisis over, but I do worry if it means I'm trying to hide myself because of not feeling pretty much lately.

Tested and sewing for Titus

Spent my first full day of testing my Lenten resolution to not let things get me down. It was shockingly hard, and that in itself was sort of upsetting. Do my emotions and well-being really crash so easily? Is it really so tough for me to not spiral when things don't go my way? I'm sort of disgusted with myself. But I did a pretty good job of moving forward and not getting dragged down, so I guess with effort I can break this cycle. That's the idea behind committing to do it for the entire forty days.

I've been going in to help with Titus stuff in the afternoons of this week. I have mostly been assisting Walker, the costume designer, with costume construction. He's sewing and otherwise building the entire wardrobe, which I am quite impressed by, but it's a lot of work so I was happy to take a little bit of the burden off of his shoulders. I am actually really glad to have something getting me to practice my sewing, and the chance to hang around chatting with Walker has been pleasant as well. He is extremely intelligent and a very interesting person. Under his direction I made two half-circle capes, a purple imperial robe for polaris_xx*, a toga by attaching two white linen curtains together and putting a stripe of blue silk along one edge, and a red military tunic to be worn by Prentice. I hope to go back in and do more sewing today, and if it's possible for Walker to assign me something I may take some projects home and work on them over the weekend. I've been meaning to work on something anyway, so if it would take some of the load off of him, I would be happy to get the practice.

Health for Lent

My equilibrium is so fragile these days. My frustration tolerance is practically nil, which just throws everything off. But yesterday was Ash Wednesday, the day we remember our mortality and the human struggle. We are but dust and to dust we shall return. So I am doing what I can to let it all go.

For Lent this year I am not going to take my usual approach of just giving something up. I am going to frame it in terms of sacrificing indulgence in the form of wasting time and energy on useless actions and unhealthy negativity. I want to give myself some assignments to stick to in order to improve my physical and emotional health. I haven't been taking very good care of myself lately-- not my body, not my mind, not anything. So I am going to impose a healthier routine on myself to see if it doesn't improve how I feel, and therefore how I am as a person. This will include:

- no junk food of any kind
- exercise at least three times a week, preferably five
- drinking more water
- scheduling time for activities (writing, sewing, etc) to make sure I actually do them
- letting things roll off my back rather than get upset and ruin my whole mood and outlook
- checking myself when I get unkind or excessively judgmental
- getting in the habit of saying daily prayers

I have a very good track record of sticking to the resolution I make for the period, so maybe if I resolve to better habits I will actually stick to it. That's kind of a tall order, but it never hurts to try. I could use a little better balance. I'm tired of feeling so off all the time. My reasoning is that if I feel stronger and more serene, I will be able to be a better human being to other people. Which I would hope is in the spirit of Lent.

Musing on larps I could write

Harrumph. I know I'm not supposed to be focusing on this, but I am feeling frustrated and restless, so I welcome anything that might relieve it a bit, and right now, I want to muse about larps and larp writing.

Currently my name is listed as author for six larps. They are, in chronological order, Alice, Oz, Paranoia, The Labor Wars, Resonance, and The Stand. Alice, Oz, and The Stand I wrote alone. The other three I was a member of the writing team, The Labor Wars and Resonance with Alleged Entertainment, Paranoia with Bernie, Joe, lightgamer*, and witticaster*. I find I write best when there is a clear hierarchy of creative control in a game. It is not easy for me to collaborate well, so it helps if I don't see the project as "my idea" when I do. As a guest of Alleged's, fleshing out notions conceived by another person, I did not have the problem where I was so invested in the concept that didn't want to concede to someone else's idea. Paranoia was Bernie's baby, which also made it easier to step back. I'm not so good at working with others on projects that are MY idea unless there is a clear understanding that I get the final word.

Most of those larps have or will have been run quite a bit. Alice has run five times, Oz has run six. The Stand and Paranoia will have their third runs at Festival, while at Intercon Resonance will have its fourth. The Labor Wars has only run once, which I know I would like to put on again if time and my co-writers permit. I tend to be very concerned about whether or not a game has run too many times recently, as I have a fear of the larp not filling. That's why Alice has not come out in a couple years now, and I think Oz should not come out again anytime soon either. Which makes me itch for a new piece to debut. I love the feeling of people rushing to play in my larp, and I get a huge amount of validation for my work when players enjoy the piece.

I have several concepts for larps that I could write. Some of them have been rolling around in my head for several years and for some reason I just never got to them. It's worth mentioning that I thought of most of these considerably before The Stand, which had the weirdest genesis ever-- I just found myself bored at work one day thinking about how I liked cowboys, and would like to write a cowboy larp. I was suddenly jotting down ideas and becoming engaged, when I became struck with the desire to bid it for Intercon. It was that bidding that forced me to work on it as opposed to any other game, which is why it got finished while these others are still just ideas.

I know someday I must write that Peter Pan larp that I've always been talking about, to complete my planned triptych of larps based on what are most likely the three most iconic children's stories in the Western Canon. I will call the game simply Pan, both to fit with the punchiness of Alice and Oz, and to fit in with a notion I am adopting from the movie Hook that Pan is used as a title. The trouble is, while I have a few vague conceptual ideas, and I think I want to go with a kind of fairyland setting, I don't really know what the plot is. I went into writing most of my other games with an idea of that already, so I think that may be what's been stopping me from really digging into it.

Imperium has really been nagging at me. I love the Ancient Roman setting, and I am really enjoying the possibilities that are open to me because I have decided to have my characters be only vague analogues to figures from Roman history so I can deal with some of the same issues but take them in totally different directions. I've had a couple really exciting ideas in the last few days, which pull me more and more towards wanting to work on it, but as it's currently my newest idea, maybe it shouldn't get priority. I am amused by the fact that I seem to write "series" of games-- there's my children's-story-inspired triptych, and apparently there's also my pseudo-historical period games like this one and The Stand.

Jared and I have been working on and off for years on our New York Mafia game, Men of Respect. I love the transitional period in the history of Italian-American gangs, the time immediately post-World War II in which the Godfather is set, after the Golden Age was over but before things just devolved into plain old street crime. We have a lot of work done and a ton of good ideas, but probably because we've never set a work schedule for it we've only ever managed to chip away at it off and on. Maybe the time is approaching to set meetings for it and lay deadlines, because this I think has the potential to be a truly epic game. (I wonder if it counts among the "pseudo-historical" type.)

Then there's one that I have never talked about much because I'm not sure if it's a good or workable idea, but it's been kicking around in my head for several years now. It is tentatively called Jabberwocky, and would be designed as a sequel to my first game Alice. Suggested to me by Jared, it would be examining what happened to the state of Wonderland now that the Jabberwock is gone. I've always been unsure about it for several reasons. First, larp sequels are a tricky proposition. It's hard for them not to spoil the content of the previous game. Also, I'm concerned what the hook would be now that the one hopeful thread that had been in the storyline has by now left Wonderland to never come back. I don't think I want to just tell a story of lots of horrible people fighting to screw one another. But maybe the story can be that without the major suppressing force of hope there, there's a chance of people rising out of the despair that holds them there. Alice was a rather successful game, liked by the majority of its players, so maybe there is an audience for this one.

Lastly, as I mentioned recently, I would love to write a small short game that I could put together quickly and easily just to have something new and fun to run. I am imagining it as a two-hour game where the players are explicitly confined to a tightly limited space with an interactive environment that facilitates the movement of the plot. The trouble is, I have no idea what the circumstance or the story should be. That's always my problem when I come up with the project without already having an idea for it. Somebody give me a scenario, and if I feel inspired by it, I would love to write a quick, short, fun larp for it.

Creative restlessness

As you can perhaps tell by the fact that this is my third post of the day, I am feeling ruminative and mentally unsettled. I certainly have a lot on my plate, most of which I put there myself, but I am trying to determine what I should be focusing on that will soothe a certain creative restlessness I'm feeling. I am not sure if I need more things to do to serve as light alternatives to my big, work-intensive priorities, or if I need to not take anything else on so I can balance my project load with relaxation.

Schoolwork is the big priority; my first due date is February 13th, about two and a half weeks from now, so I'd better get cracking. I think this Sunday, which is mostly free, will be devoted to homework. I usually need big chunks of time to really dig into writing. Then there's also The Tailor of Riddling Way. I am proud of myself that I've finished writing the first two episodes, and even gotten one scene recorded. But I think it's going to need two more episodes at least, so at best I'm only halfway through, and there's a ton more recording to do. I am feeling good about and getting satisfaction out of this project, but it's requiring a lot of mental energy. I kind of wish I was working on something easy that gave me the same feeling.

What with all the talk of larps, naturally my thoughts turn to my own larp writing. One of the reasons I got so absorbed in larp writing was that it has a built-in audience and is easy to find a venue to get that "feedback from the public" to give me the validation I crave. So right now, the idea of working on my Ancient Roman larp idea Imperium has become very attractive. But I do not want to let larp writing get in the way of the other writing that I should be prioritizing right now. And of couse this excitement never takes into account the fact that larps too always eventually hit the point where writing it is a slog. It's just something different, something that hasn't become tough yet, that I can imagine the fun of running to player adulation.

I wish I had an idea for a short, sweet, easy larp that I could write without a lot of time or effort that would still turn out well. Sadly, as many times as this has occurred to me, I've never been able to think of anything that I could pull off in that way. If anyone has any suggestions, I'd be open to hearing them. It would be nice to have such a larp that I can run, easy for me and fun for the players.

I think one of the reasons for my restlessness is that I miss acting. I've done a lot of writing and directing recently, two of my major passions, but it's been forever since I've acted in anything, and I'm feeling the deficit. It was looking like I might have been able to go out for a part in Lenny's indepedent study show, Cymbeline, which I was excited about. But it turns out that it goes up the same weekend as Festival of the Larps, one of the most important weekends of my year, so participating is out of the question. For some reason, Titus is also the same weekend as Intercon, making both larp cons happening over shows. I am very disappointed about Lenny's show. I have another audition lined up for this Sunday night, but I'm not optimistic that it will work out any different than the last twenty-odd times before it.

The pros and cons of regimenting my time

I am very much a creature of habit. I fall very easily into patterns and follow them like I'm on rails. Sometimes this can be a very good thing for me. When I was in undergrad, getting up at 7:45AM every day to get to the gym by 8 to work out for exactly thirty minutes, take a ten-minute shower, then dress and get to class by 9, I did it every damn day but Sunday. It was my routine, my pattern, and once I was in the groove I followed it determinedly. I get chores done on a regular basis because I keep the same schedule for them week after week. When it works, it works for me. Unfortunately, tough as it is to knock me out of a habit, once I'm out, I am out. A new habit is formed of living absent the old behavior and that becomes equally difficult to break.

Sometimes I think I need to put myself on schedules for more things. I have never really had a bedtime routine, for example. I am familiar from television that apparently normal people wash their faces and brush their teeth and suchlike before they go to sleep, but I frankly crash so hard when I get tired I pretty much just collapse, especially lately. Doesn't leave a ton of time to "prepare" for bed. It's a good thing I don't wear makeup or have contacts, because I'd go to bed with them still on so often that I'd spend my life as a keratitis-plagued acne-crusted pig. I sleep in my clothes on top of my still-made bed probably more often than anyone that doesn't have alcoholic blackouts.

Now that I've convinced you that I'm a slovenly piggy who can't handle basic tasks of self-care, I bring this up because I wonder if forcing myself into a greater level of routine would help me do more of the things I want to get done. Not just stuff like taking better care of my skin, but going back to regular workouts, blocking off time to write, to sew, to practice ballet. Because I know that getting into habits enables me to do those things. There are so many things I want to do, and I feel like so often I waste the time I have to do them because my time is not regimented well enough. I hate that feeling of having enough time to do the things that feel enriching but not using it.

The flipside of that is that I'm a bit afraid of locking myself into too many routines. I know how much I come to sink into them and depend on them. I can see myself losing what spontaneity I'm already inclined, little enough as it is. Or stressing myself out even more trying to stick to it. I suppose I could try it, and if I don't feel better for having done it, I can always retreat into laziness to break the habit.



Resolutions for 2012

After some thought, I have made my new list of resolutions for 2012. I did a good job with my last set, so I'm going to task myself with a lot of things again that really matter to me. For this coming year, I would like to:

1. Write, produce, and direct The Tailor of Riddling Way. I am feeling quite passionate about this project, and I think it has the potential to be something really good.

2. Get back into the habit of exercising six days a week like I used to. I really hate how squishy I've gotten and how undisciplined I've become about taking care of my physical health. I want my old body back, and I want to feel strong again.

3. Do well in school, and generate respectable work. Going right along with this is keeping up with my biweekly theater writing challenge. I have done quite well with this so far, as my average is actually closer to one a week rather than two weeks, but I want to keep it up in order to keep improving my work and generating a portfolio.

4. Become a competent seamstress. This is a skill I really want to master, and making things with my hands makes me feel good in my soul.

5. Make significant improvement with ballet. It will take practice and discipline, but the payoff would be worth it.

6. Start a garden of some kind. Probably herbs, maybe vegetables or even flowers or something. Playing Minecraft of all things has made me feel like it would be good for me to have something like this to take care of and raise. See above regarding the good feeling in my soul.

7. Write a complete piece that I am really proud of. Tailor of course is a priority and will hopefully qualify, but I want to do something in addition, another thing like To Think of Nothing that people like and respect that I feel truly good about.

And then those perennial ones that should always be on my list:

8. Be good to my parents and spend as much time with them as possible. This is important forever.

9. Keep working on being a kinder person. I especially need to work on keeping my temper and being less judgmental.

10. Learn how to be hopeful. I cannot keep falling into these dark periods for months and then taking months to claw my way out of them. I need to get away from this hole that I seem to be endlessly wavering on the edge of, if not swallowed up by it entirely. There is so much good in the world, and I've been unbelievably blessed in my life, and the weakness in me must not keep me from all the joy to be had.

Reflections on 2011

On this the last day of 2011 I want to review how the last year went. I considered doing the meme that I did for 2010, where you post the first entry of each month of the previous year and discuss how it represented what you did, but again I find it doesn't really paint an accurate picture. So instead I think I'm going to go down my list of resolutions I made for 2011 and see how well I did with them.

1. Make some professional improvement. I am not going to define this specifically, but I am not satisfied with my current just-okay situation. Have already begun some more serious efforts; we'll see how this goes.

Well, here's a good start. I made quite a bit of improvement here. Not only did I find a job I like better-- the hours are better, I'm making a little more, and I like the work and environment significantly more --but I also got in grad school, which is what I meant by the "more seriously efforts" I had been making. I am proud of myself for succeeding with making this part of my life better, since it wasn't easy for me.

2. Get back into healthy eating and exercise habits. Jared and I have already started eating better; let's see if I can add regular workouts in there too.

Hmmm, sort of, but not entirely. I put on some weight during my long period of depression-induced inactivity in the first half of 2011, and I still haven't quite managed to lose it. But I did start taking ballet, and I've worked out almost every day since I've been home, so here's to getting back in the habit.

3. Write, cast, direct, and put on Merely Players.

Accomplished this, and did a pretty good job of it. One more produced piece under my belt.

4. Write, cast, and run The Stand at Intercon and Festival

Also accomplished, and pretty much entirely by myself. It is important to me that I actually DO and FINISH the projects I set for myself.

5. Help write and run Resonance at Intercon and Festival

Done with the great Alleged Entertainment team. I'm proud to have been a part of this game, and it's always an honor to work with them.

6. Make certain that Larpercalia this year is the best Festival it can be

I am extremely proud of how well I did with this. I set out to encourage everyone to produce and bring new games for 2011 and that happened better than I'd hoped. Thanks to everyone who helped it come to be.

7. Spend time with my parents. They need me right now, and I love them.

I did the best I could with the limitations the distance between us allowed. I called home almost every day, and made sure to come home for every period of time off I could get. I chose to spend this, my only week-and-a-half-long break, with them in the service of this goal.

8. Be nicer to be people. I'm a bit tired of people thinking I'm a great big meanie, but it's probably my own fault. Keeping the temper in check would probably be a good place to start.

I tried really really hard with this. I think I did a decent job with being friendly instead of standoffish, encouraging and supportive of other people's efforts, and considerate of others' needs and feelings. I'm not sure anyone really noticed a difference-- people tend to think I am both nicer and meaner than I actually am, if you can believe that. I still have a problem with being an ass when I am angry, and need to keep working on it. And I'm about as judgmental as ever, though at least I keep that mostly to myself.

9. Develop some better stress management techniques. I guess I don't have any truly bad reactions-- I don't drink, I don't overeat, I don't hurt myself -- but what I'm doing isn't really enough. My tension and emotional upset level is getting out of hand.

Yes and no. I overcame the really bad patch I was having in the last half of 2010 and the first half of 2011 eventually, and right now I am doing okay. But I know that in that time I have dealt with certain things I couldn't seem to change by basically just putting them out of my mind as much as I could. I'm not sure "just not thinking about it... indefinitely" is the best stress management technique, but with a lot of these things I just don't know what else to do. And I'm afraid going back to fixating on them the way I was will just land me back in the depression. So I don't know what's best there. Also, I feel tired a lot of the time, more mentally than physically, in a way that makes me not do certain things I should be doing due to my mind feeling weary.

10. Learn how to be hopeful. I really don't know how.

Eh. Not really, despite the evidence I've had from the things that did improve this year that things actually can get better. I imagine that this will be one of the great challenges of my life, contrary as it is to my nature.

So all in all, despite the first few months being rough, I moved a great deal forward this year. Maybe remembering that will help keep me hopeful. Now I need to make a new set of resolutions for 2012, and try to keep moving on.

Hope for your children

I called my mom on my walk yesterday. I mentioned to her that I think of Gigi's stillbirth as I go through the cemetery, and mom corrected me on a few parts of the story. She too couldn't say whether the baby never had a name or if simply no one used it, but Mom said that she didn't come between my dad and my uncle in the birth order; she was before all of them. Her, and all the miscarriages. And there weren't two or three, Mom said. She had nine of them.

Nine miscarriages. And then a stillbirth on top of that. Can you imagine? Can you imagine becoming pregnant and losing it ten times? And then to keep going with your life, no breaking down, and keeping on trying to have children even though every sign pointed to just bringing yourself more pain? My melancholic self can't even imagine the kind of fortitude it would take to keep hope.

My mother said when she was pregnant she thought to herself, look at all the people around you. They all had to be born sometime. If this many made it into the world okay, then yours probably will too, and you'll come out of it okay as well. There's always something like that to draw hope from. And in the end, Gigi did go on to have three healthy babies. They never would have been if she'd given up. And in the end, even Mom's baby, born sick, got well.

Something to remember the next time I feel like I can't keep hope.

Stubborn inefficient piggy

Whenever I have a number of projects going at once-- which for me is most of the time --I always want to work most on the one that is the lowest priority at the given time, and usually have zero motivation to get going on the one that I should be focusing on. When I first conceived of my idea for Just So, the funny short play based on that episode of Frasier, I was raring to go on it, but I should have been devoting my energy to the verse piece that was due sooner. Then later, when Just So's deadline was looming, I could not think of anything I wanted to work on less. Right now I should be thinking about homework, but all I want to do is work on things I can't hand in. I want to brainstorm for Imperium, the idea I had for a larp set in Ancient Rome, even though I have promised myself that I am putting larp writing on hold for the moment in favor of dramatic writing. I want to work on Sundan, the grand, Shakespeare-style tragedy I have conceived of where, in the course of trying to destroy a man who has stolen away the woman he loves, our hero destroys himself. Or maybe Mrs. Hawking, a Holmes and Watson type story, where a working class girl finds a calling through an unlikely partnership with a frustrated-genius high-class lady who she teaches to be a little more human. But neither of those projects satisfy the assignments I've been given, so they can't be used for school. Thus, of course, is my piglike nature, that I never want to do anything that I should be doing, and indeed, even if I used to want to do it, as soon as it becomes priority one I'd rather be doing anything else.

Please let's not talk this out

I know communication is of paramount important to human relationships. Especially in times of conflict. But Jesus Christ, sometimes I would rather gouge out my own eardrums than have to verbally hash things out.

Sometimes I feel like I'm the world's most stereotypical man. No, sometimes I DON'T want to have a long, drawn-out, detailed conversation about just what went wrong between us just now. Can we just skip to the apology and move on with our days? Okay, maybe having it THE FIRST TIME IT HAPPENS is useful, but after that, do you really need to make your point again, when it clearly didn't fix things the first time? Or do I have to sit through it as punishment for repeating my offense?

The most common instance of my getting into it with someone tends to be when someone does something that bothers me and I lose my temper and say something mean. Like, someone is annoying, so I tell them to quit being such a huge pain. Or someone behaves in a way I find absurd, frustrating, or unfair, and I express my contempt. Or someone is personally injurious to me, and I call them a jackass.

I know what I did. It isn't that I don't understand your feelings. The problem is that I TOTALLY DO UNDERSTAND YOUR FEELINGS and FAILED TO RESPECT THEM because I am weak and imperfect. I am bad for that, and deserve to take responsibility for that failure and must apologize for it. This in particular is a problem I have, being short-tempered and unkind sometimes. Can I please just say "I'm sorry I hurt your feelings and behaved badly" and you apologize for whatever it is you did? Can I please NOT have to express in a long detailed conversation that I fully understand the nature of my offense and of your feelings? Can you just trust me on this and accept that I GET IT and don't need to have the same conversation over and over, because I don't think there's anything in the world I hate more?

The other things is, even if we did make sure we were both totally on the same page, we're probably going to do this again at some point. People do not  change at the drop of a hat; you're probably going to do something that bothers me again, and I'm probably going to lose my temper and be mean again. I understand it's a problem. I'll work on it-- especially this, as I've been actively trying to be less nasty when I'm angry --but having the conversation is most likely not going to contribute to it coming about faster or better.

I know, I'm a bad person, a horrible, emotionally stunted person who has no shot at maintaining healthy relationships. I can live with that. Please no more talktalktalk.

My blocking style: CREATIVE ADRENALINE HYPERDRIVE MODE

Had a ballet class the other day, my first at the school that blendedchaitea* is also attending. I enjoyed it, though it wasn't quite what I expected. I guess because they don't expect you to necessarily be there every class, it wasn't so much like "here is the lesson" as "follow along with the teacher as she goes." I did a reasonable job of following along, as I am fairly athletic even if I am totally unschooled. I enjoyed the challenge of it, and I liked that it felt like a workout. Though I really need to drop a few pounds. My thighs have gotten big enough to make some of the closer-set leg positions uncomfortable to do properly, which I loathe. Makes me feel like a tub. Hopefully the ballet will contribute to the slimming down, which will in turn make the ballet easier. I'm hoping to go again tonight before I meet Jared for BSCF.

Second Merely Players rehearsal yesterday was a rousing success. I was really pleased with the blocking we set down. I like to go into rehearsals with a very firm plan of what we're going to be doing with each scene. My preferred style is to give a solid framework for each scene's action, then have the actors develop their own pieces of it from there. It usually comes out with very good results when I've come up with something good that inspires the cast acting it out. But sometimes just working on the blocking on my own, I don't quite... get there. I don't get inspired to figure something out that's quite on the level I want it to be. As I've said so many times before, I believe a dynamic, well-composed, and well-orchestrated stage is the key to an engaging production. That's a pretty tough thing to achieve. So sometimes, like last night, I end up having to go in with my plan about seventy-five percent of where I want it to be. But then, once I'm in rehearsal, the creative pressure kicks in. I don't want my cast to see me unprepared, or turning in a level of work less than what I believe I'm capable of, so I'd better figure it out RIGHT NOW GODDAMN IT. And that frenzied urgency to turn it out right now so I don't let down my actors, what I call CREATIVE ADRENALINE HYPERDRIVE, kicks up the plan the final twenty-five percent. We worked out some really great, active, dynamic stuff last night that seemed to click with the actors performing it, and I felt really on my game.

This is really important ot me because I believe plays, particularly plays with a classical bent, benefit from activity that is supertextual. Hold Thy Peace has never been very good at bringing a lot of action to the stage that is not directly informed by the text. But things that are done even when they are not said can add more depth, more visual texture, and explicate aspects of the show that otherwise may seem unclear, rushed, or plain unbelievable. Merely Players in particular I wanted to be extremely active and visually layered, so having a lot going on is crucial. This is an unusual case because I happened to have also written this text we're working with, but but I prefer to included as little blocking in a script as possible in order to allow it to be directed without baggage. I included a litlte to suggest the sort of physical humor I wanted to get at, but largely I wanted to develop the staging independently of the script so that we didn't limit what we could do. And that means coming up with a lot of stuff that isn't written down, that adds layers to just the things suggested by the words.

There is, it occurred to me last night, just one weird downside to these energetic creative bursts. They kind of take up so much of my brainpower that there isn't much room left over for anything else. Normally I'd say I'm a pretty together, mentally present person when it comes to running mundane responsibility stuff-- scheduling, staying organized, being on top of what's going on, things like that. But I find when I go into that CREATIVE ADRENALINE HYPERDRIVE mode, it pushes all ability to handle those things right out of my head. There is only the project, work for the project, make the project great-- but I can't seem to remember the rehearsal schedule I made for that night, I have a hard time focusing on anything I have to read, and my brain moves so far ahead of my mouth that I sometimes forget what I'm talking about. I spent rehearsal practically bouncing off the walls, and by the end of it I was twitchy and babbly. But it is worth it to lose a little of my mental composure, because we came up with some really fun, interesting, funny stuff to use in the show. I'm really proud of myself, and incredibly pleased with the people I was working with, who were kind enough to gently remind me the different between eight o'clock and nine o'clock when I lost the ability to tell.