Friday, October 30, 2009

Hold Thy Peace tradition


There has been a practice attached to the last several Hold Thy Peace shows that seems to be well on its way to becoming a tradition, and I thought I'd talk a little bit about it. This new tradition, if you've never heard of it before, is the Naked Tech Run. The Naked Tech Run is our last cue-to-cue rehearsal through the technical stuff late on the Wednesday night before the show where the cast strips down to their underwear and perhaps a funny hat and runs through their actions onstage, humorously and satirically summarizing their lines, while all the light, sound, and other transitions are finalized.

How did this come to be a part of the SOP of Hold Thy Peace? Well, I am proud to say it began with Hamlet, my show. Hamlet required a lot of set moving, usually in tandem with some other technical transition, and so needed to be carefully coordinated and practiced. We were all there late on Wednesday, weary from the work and the hour, but valiantly holding together to get through it. And our Horatio, Dave Hinterman, as he is wont to do, decided that he had earned the right by this point to take his pants off-- if he was going to be staying so late, he was at least going to be comfortable. He would do whatever he needed to like that. So soon, other people were following suit, until I had a cast half-naked on the stage except for a gothy accoutrement here and there. This was rather sprung unexpectedly on the tech crew, as evinced by the now-famous startled outburst from Bernie over the God mike, "Oh, my God, Frances is naked! ... Oh, my God, Frances is ripped." Heh. And we ran our cue-to-cue like that, the actors having a good time after all their hard work and generating a really hilarious condensed version of the show.

The Naked Tech Run, a chance to be silly and have fun, is basically the reward for putting in all that work, as well as a release valve for all the tension of tech week. There are rules, of course, as established by Hamlet and faithfully maintained by all subsequent shows. Nobody has to take off any clothes if they don't want to, and nobody is allowed to pressure anyone into doing so. If any pictures are taken, the people in them have absolute veto power over anything that may be done with them. And finally, just because we're being naked and silly doesn't mean that the rules of rehearsing in the theater go out the window-- be attentive, be safe, and get your job done, even in your underwear. Thus far people have done a good job with these. I hope the tradition is kept. It really makes everyone feel good, especially after all the stress of putting together a show.

Afraid of me

Tonight I was told, not for the first time, that people are afraid of me. Unsure of what to make of this, I wrote in my Honesty Box on Facebook asking if anyone found this to be true. Not ten minutes later, I recieved this response:

"jesus phoebe. you're gorgeous, smart, judgmental, and don't need anything. any minute you're going to decide that i'm worthless. i'm terrified of you."

I... know even less what to think.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Not bridey

For some reason the banner ads at the top of my LiveJournal have been distinctly bridal over the last few days. Seeing as the content of the ads tends to be influenced by the content of the page one is looking at, which would be my journal in this case, I'm seriously bemused as to why my LJ thinks wedding accoutrements are of interest to me at the moment. Do my entries of late seem particularly marriage-minded in a way of which I'm not aware? And since I'm not seeing any gowns with bare midriffs, they're all wrong for me anyway. ;-)

Though I confess I am kind of interested in the satin bridesmaid ballet flats in that one ad that come in ten million colors so you can match them to your dresses. The claret-colored ones are awfully pretty...

Sci-fi trope origin?

Here's a random wondering for all you lovely geeks out there-- does anybody know where that trope, usually used humorously, of the "classically trained actor playing a part in a sci-fi show who is way above the material but can't be taken seriously anymore" came from? What made me think of this now is I recently saw a fantastic episode of Frasier where this former Shakespearean actor, brilliantly and hilariously played by the wonderful Derek Jacobi, was stuck by typecasting because he played an android on a popular Star Trek-like TV show. It turned out he was actually just a terrible actor, but it was extra funny to see Jacobi act badly. :-) Another example that comes to mind is the Alan Rickman role in Galaxy Quest, for whom that was basically his character's whole shtick. I feel like I've seen it other places as well, though I can't think of them right now.

But where does this joke come from? Was there actually somebody on Star Trek or something along the lines of Star Trek that came from a classical background but got tied down by the role on the sci fi show? Does anybody have any idea?

Monday, October 26, 2009

Stupid Inqscribe

Still fighting with that Inqscribe video subtitling program at work, freezing constantly and not pausing as quick as it needs to. It's driving me crazy. I can just barely manage to get it to function with little tricks here and there. For the videos that freeze every time when I open them to subtitle, I managed to make them work by opening an old subtitling file that I know does work, substituting the new video for the old one, and then resaving it as a different file. I have no idea why that helps, but it does. Also, the more frequently you hit the pause button, the quicker it responds-- almost like it's a sticky physical mechanism that seizes up without constant motion. Again, I have no idea why that helps. I have never been very technically savvy. I'm proud of myself to have figured out those things, though probably anyone who knows anything about these things either would have known to do that stuff, or figured out a way better and more sophisticated solution. It would probably work better on a faster machine, but it was installed by my predecessor in this job and I can't seem to find any disc or download option that would allow me to install it somewhere else.

Intercon schedule

Intercon J schedule has gone live. When I remembered that it was supposed to be up by now I went to check it, and as I clicked back and forth from schedule to specific games, it literally changed from one click to the next. Oz will happily be running in the afternoon slot on Saturday, which was my first choice, so I'm pleased with that. But at first it seemed like I'd be able to play in both Survivors of the Naronic and The Last Seder, my top choices to be in, but the schedule shifted before my eyes, and now Survivors is across from Oz. Ah, well. I play a Brit game every Intercon, it seems, so maybe some variety is in order. There's also Ghosts of Urquhart anyway, but I'd rather play the first game in a series before its sequel. Last Seder, however, is totally possible. I had no idea it ran so long. I hope I have enough time between Oz in the afternoon to get to it in the evening. I'm also interested in Super Villain Academy in the morning on Saturday, which is run by the awesome Chicago people and to which Jared gave a good review. I'm not sure there's anything on Friday that appeals to me-- maybe the Jungle Book game, but honestly the blurb doesn't wow me. Maybe I'll just chill that day. I'd rather have one game Friday and then two on Saturday than everything on one day, but whatever, I'll roll.

Friday, October 23, 2009

R+J opening

At last, after probably the most difficult and problematic build I have ever been involved with, we finished with the Romeo and Juliet set, and have had our opening night. I am absolutely exhausted-- I was there almsot twelve hours a day the last three days. But the show went off well, and I was pleased and proud of everyone; our audience even included bronzite, which made me happy. My parents and Jared's are coming tonight, so let's hope we do even better. I'm particularly proud of Xavier, our Romeo, who like Jared who came before him went out for a show having never acted before in his freshman year, got the lead, and carried a show his first time out. Also, Jonathan Plesser gets better with every show-- it's really got me interested in him as an actor. This cast actually did something impressive in that that even with as little rehearsal time as we had, they were ready at the start of tech week and even adapted to playing on the set almost immediately. I plan on spending some time with my mom and dad this afternoon, having an early dinner, and then finding my way over to the theater by call time.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Just need to bitch

One of my responsibilities at work is to generate transcripts of videos and then add those transcriptions as subtitles into the video. The program I'm using to add the subtitles is called Inqscribe, and it is driving me crazy. In theory it's an excellent concept; it lets you slow down playback and gives you a way to bind pieces of text to specific timecodes. But the pause function, essential to this kind of work, often either takes several seconds to kick in or just freezes the whole goddamn thing, especially if I minimize the program and work in a different application for more than a minute at a time. My work machine is several years old, so perhaps the program itself is not to blame, but I can't fathom what's so complicated about it that it requires sophisticated hardware in order to perform BASIC FUNCTIONS LIKE PAUSE. I've got twenty-five videos to subtitle before the end of the month, and I've finished I think nine of them, but I dislike fighting with this program so much it makes me want to avoid them altogether. Not an option, of course, but I'm frustrated about it.

Day two of tech

Day two of build in Shapiro Theater has come and gone. After a quick lunch with Jared at two o'clock yesterday I went over to the theater to see if there was anything to be done, and screwed a few things together and helped a little to figure out how to make the stairs. Honestly it feels like we're about a day behind, and I just can't stay till four in the morning now, but we've got basically all the pieces constructed. When I left they needed painting, and the staircase had to be finished and put together. I'm planning on going in early because I can't stay late at around three o'clock this afternoon to see if I can't contribute more then.

I look rough. I've not been sleeping well, as is typical of tech week, and the work has really taken a toll on my skin. My hands feel like sandpaper, and with all the concentration on build and using the tools right I've taken to biting my lip, leaving it dry and torn up. The weather right now isn't helping with this. I think when I get home I'm going to take an extremely hot shower and put myself back together a little, not to mention find a nice soothing gallon of lip balm. Maybe that'll help me get back to feeling, and looking, normal.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Load-in weariness

Yesterday we had load-in for Romeo and Juliet. Drained me earlier and harder than a load-in has in a long time. For the most part I like the experience of the cast coming together to do the necessary labor to make the theater our own; there is a real sense of satisfaction that comes from working hard and seeing the results of your efforts. But the longer it goes on the more you just want to be done with it, and I was getting kind of frustrated with the inefficiency and unhelpfulness of a lot of the people involved. I know we're limited by what needs done at the moment and how many of the appropriate tools we have, but I wish a lot of people were better at looking around and just finding work for their goddamn selves. If you can ask someone what to do, do it. If you can't, find something-- pick up screws, throw away debris, clean or straighten up something. Some, like Bernie, Plesser, and Charlotte, were amazingly hard-working and useful. Others were less so, and got on my nerves.

I also left at one, significantly earlier than I've ever left a tech week rehearsal before, but which was later than I probably should have and I'd put in seven and a half hours in already. On every other Hold Thy Peace show I've ever been in, and Romeo and Juliet makes my eighth, I stayed at build as late as I was needed and didn't go home until everyone else did. The worst of these was for Lear, when I stayed till four in the morning every night of tech week and which happened to fall during a period of extreme emotional distress, leaving me so drained and overtired I wrecked my car. Never want a repeat of that. And anyway, I have to get up for a real job these days, so I can't afford to make myself that blown.

One thing that really amuses me now is that I didn't realize how smoothly the Hamlet tech week went by comparison to the typical experience of moving a show into its performance space. Anyone who's done theater can tell you that the average production is one disaster after another, and it's only by the work of dedicated people fixing those disasters that the show goes off at all, much less well. It's kind of amazing when you think about it, how many elements must come together and do their job to make a show happen, so it's only natural that something with so many moving parts that they should be hard to coordiate and prone to malfunction. I remember being convinced throughout the process of Hamlet that everything was screwed up and behind schedule, when in actuality, at least compared to most shows, our rehearsals proceeded smoothly, our tech week was relatively easy, and most of the things that went wrong were handled with a minimum of struggle. Of course, it probably helped that our set was metal painter's scaffolds with cloth drapings and some banners hung from the fly system. And that when I wanted something done right, I almost always did it myself. The good part of it was I personally controlled everything to get the quality I wanted. The bad part was, Christ, that was a lot of work.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Date night

One thing that Jared and I have decided on recently if that since our schedules have been so heavy and stressful lately, and he's been so overloaded with his thesis and his typically demanding schoolwork, we are going to make sure that we have one night a week where we put other things aside and just be together. So far this has proven to be a very good idea, resulting in a few weeks thus far of pleasant, intimate evenings that contrast nicely with the high-pressure days of the rest of the week. Tonight's date night will be a low-key evening at home, because I have been itching to cook something as well as go back and get something else from the new little butcher shop.

All that remains is for me to decide what to make. Seeing as it's Friday and a fish day, perhaps seafood is in order-- I did think that shop had a lovely selection of it. Jared tends to like more dressed up kinds of fish as opposed to cleaner simpler preparations. I know a few of those, though I've made all of them fairly recently. Perhaps I should look up something new. I'd like to plan ahead of time when I cook, but I've learned recently that one should go to the fishmonger and select what looks best that day rather than go in looking for something. I should probably consult Jared to see what he's in the mood for, but honestly I've found my best dinners were ones where I worried more about putting together delicious dishes and well-balanced plates than about the caprice of my diners. ;-) Even one as picky as Jared.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Acne cow

Severely depressed by the state of my acne this morning. It seems like no matter what I do, no matter how carefully I use my supposedly top-of-the-line miracle-working Proactiv, a pizza face I am and a pizza face I seem to ever remain. I know, I know, I'm shallow and with no sense of perspective. People with real problems I'm sure are simply falling all over themselves with sympathy for me. *eye roll.* Even my mother, my gorgeous, practically perfect mother, who was a size two well into her fifties, all her life had but one real flaw in her appearence and it was epically bad skin. Guess I inherited more than just pleasant features from her. Also, count your blessings, Phoebe, you ungrateful cow-- isn't it enough to be pretty and thin, you need to have perfect skin too?

Now I'm kind of disgusted with myself. I still fucking hate my acne, though. I'm vain, shallow, and encrusted with boils. Feeling great about myself now.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

ROMEO AND JULIET

The next week and a half promise to be intense for me. We're starting full run-throughs for Romeo and Juliet tonight, for which our call is at 6:30PM and, particularly when we move into the theater on Sunday, we go as late as we have to. I'm pretty excited to be at this point, all I need is a bit more brushing up on my lines and I think I'm good to go, so at least it'll be fun even if it'll be a lot of work. I'd better plan to bring food and things to work on during the downtime, so make the best use of spending the whole evening there. The one thing I'm concerned about is that since I'm working now and have to get up earlier than I did last semester, I won't be able to stay extremely late to get things done that still need finishing during tech week, something I've done for every previous show. Yeah, I know others can step up this time, but the reason I always did it previously is because so few others ever did. I really hope somebody else steps up this time around, 'cause I don't think I can push it.

I guess we're close enough that it's time to do the plug. And so, without further ado,

HOLD THY PEACE presents
William Shakespeare's
ROMEO AND JULIET

Directed by ELANA FRIEDLAND
Produced by TEGAN KEHOE
Stage Managed by MAC MAGRUDER and EMILY BAUM

In the Carl J. Shapiro Theater at Brandeis University
October 22nd-24th at 8PM
October 25th at 2PM

Featuring JARED HITE as Lord Capulet
and PHOEBE ROBERTS as Count Paris

Come see me kiss a girl and do my manly walk. :-)

Happy birthday Sheena!

Everybody wish a happy birthday to everybody's favorite zapf! May he be squishy with happiness today.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

New butcher shop

Bernie and I finally checked out that brand new little butcher shop that opened where Danger Planet used to be. It's actually a little more of a deli than a true butcher shop, which disappointed me a little; I was really hoping they'd produce their own cuts there so I could learn to ask for what I wanted, but that doesn't seem to be the case. Still, they have some very nice meat there and some really gorgeous fish; I saw an enormous whole red snapper that they could fillet up right in front of you nice as you please. We bought three really nice-looking and fairly reasonably priced rib-eye steaks, rubbed them with olive oil, oregano, basil, rosemary, salt, and pepper, and threw them on the broiler for six minutes a side. Came out quite tasty. I'm pleased to support a small business that is priced about the same as Hannaford meat and looks to be better quality as well, so I encourage you to check that place out next time you want something to throw on the grill.

Balancing out

Okay, so there's some positive stuff going on with me too, to compensate for how off I'm feeling today. My new rain boots came in a couple of days ago, and I absolutely adore them. They're Sudini Minnas, gorgeous walking boots made of waterproof leather that you can behold in all their glory here, though I got them in black rather than the admittedly equally lovely chocolate. And since I bought them on eBay, I paid a fraction of their retail value. Oh, eBay, how I love you. The hours I spent scouring the Internet really paid off. These boots are beautiful as well as comfortable, and they've held up admirably to the wet of this rainy morning. I am incredibly pleased, so expect to see them often.

Last night there was a GM meeting for The Labors Wars, which went very well and confirmed my enthusiasm for working on this project with this team. I really admire the way Alleged Entertainment builds a framework for the writing process that schedules regular meetings and due dates for when various components need to be written. If I'm ever in charge of organizing a larp writing team, I definitely plan to take a leaf out of their book. The sense of accountability alone it creates is so useful. Particularly since I'm the New Kid writing an AE game, and the least experienced larper/larp writer, I know I certainly don't want to let anyone down. We assigned bluesheet writing last night which is due in two weeks, and I intend to get an early start.

Also, this awesome exchange occurred, about a particularly ornery character:
Me: "I take it that's your pet character?"
Susan: "Yeah, she's my baby."
Pause.
Nat: "Your baby's ugly, Susan."

I heart natbudin.

Finally, youareverysmall's lovely boyfriend Dan is in the area on a bike tour, and he is staying at Elsinore for a few days. The timing is unfortunately pretty terrible, as all the days he's in town I'm booked for ten million prior committments and don't have much in the way of time to hang out with him when he's available. I feel like a lousy host and it's kind of stressing me out. I just hope he's comfortable and has a good time seeing the sights.

Rough night

Didn't have the best start to this day, and it seems to have thrown off for everything that's followed. I woke up very early in the morning after an utterly inoffensive dream (I think it was something about working on a project with a dinosaur and another coworker who was slightly prejudiced against dinosaurs-- my psyche is strange) to a rush of half-conscious worry about all the stressful things in my life right now, leaving me depressed and unable to get back to sleep until what seemed like just a few minutes before my alarm went off. By then it was already raining outside and the inside of my bedroom was freezing, making the process of hauling myself out of bed all the more difficult and uncomfortable. Getting ready was a chore, and the new acne medication I'm adding to my routine-- my stupid blemishes are getting absolutely ridiculous --made my face look sickly and pallid. To top it all off, there's a muscle high in the back of my thigh that started twitching yesterday evening and hasn't stopped since.

All of this amounts to me feeling very much off my game and not quite up to handling anything more complicated than zoning out in front of Frasier on YouTube. Unfortunately I've been so busy with my packed schedule lately that I can't really afford to not be on top of things. At least not many people come into my office when it rains (I'm being totally serious, you should see the parking lot on rainy days) so I don't think I should have any trouble getting the work done for the handful of coworkers around today. Other than that, I think I'm going to make myself a to do list to get my muzzy head a little straighter about all the stuff I need to get done.

*Sigh* You'd think that, for me, having a dream with a dinosaur in it would make for a good way to begin the day. Dinosaurs are awesome; they should not be harbingers of forboding.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Masquerade

The Hold Thy Peace masquerade ball occurred Saturday night after all the extensive planning, and I have to say, what a fantastic idea it was and what a lovely evening it made. We had the Castle Commons with a neat light show and sound equipment set up, and lots of friends in formalwear and masks showed up for dancing and a good time. I organized the food, and though most of it was consumed in the first two hours, I think people were pleased. I wore my backless Fidd dress (as I have been calling it ever since Nexus) and had blendedchaitea* paint a neat design of vines and flowers on my back. She is very talented and it came out lovely-- so very grateful for the help! I originally wanted morethings5* to do it, but we had a communications breakdown and never got it together. Ah, well, maybe some other time, dear. I looked very lovely, danced the night away with Jared, and had him take a picture of myself in costume-- from the back, of course. :-) It may show up as a profile picture. Or, heck, a LiveJournal icon. Have to give credit to linearequation and Steph; what an excellent idea it was, and we made nearly two hundred dollars for the club in ticket sales.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Heh.

Heh. I just realized I wrote "the problem of porn." C.S. Lewis must be rolling in his grave.

Pondering porn

Not exactly sure what got me thinking about this, but I found myself pondering my feelings about porn, and since they turned rather analytical, I thought I'd codify them in a journal entry. I didn't intend for this to be the behemoth it turned into, but once I got started I found a lot of ground I wanted to cover. This is mostly about the issues porn raises for women, though I have tried to give fair examination to both the masculine and feminine perspectives on them. It occurs to me that I have mostly neglected the straight female use of porn in favor of the straight male use of it. I'm addressing the feminism of visual porn specifically, of which men tend to be the viewers and women the viewed, so this is the relationship I am analyzing. But I don't believe in double standards, so if I establish a rule for one, that means I believe the other must obey it as well. This entry gets a little, well, frank in spots, so if you'd rather not discuss such things, please read no further.

As a woman, as a feminist, and as a user of porn, where do I stand in all of this? As I've mentioned before in this rant of an entry, the biggest problem I have personally with it is the assumption that straight women aren't interested in it and therefore nobody produces decent porn aimed at straight women, or if they do it's all on ABSURDLY EXPENSIVE pay sites that I am not going to shell out for. Guy-on-guy is more readily available (again because it's aimed at men) and that's all well and good, but mostly I just want a hot guy and a hot girl with the focus on the guy. I maintain that if there actually existed more porn that they'd enjoy, more women would get into it, but as things stand right now, I'm most restricted to the written-word stuff. Which works just fine, I'd just like the option is all.

The issue that I want to examine now though is the frequent perspective held by feminists that porn is damaging to women, both those who are in it and by extension all females in general. The assumption here is that porn is filled with desperate women who feel they have no other option being taken advantage of for the sake of making films that are dehumanizing and objectifying their gender as a whole. This assumption is not just held by women, either. I spoke to a friend once who said that, while he did use some porn, he still had a hard time shaking the guilt of the concern that the girls on camera were being degraded and taken advantage of by the process. Is that really the case, that this is not simply a somewhat unorthodox career choice? Are in fact most of these girls actually low-self-esteem sheep who are being caused real damage by their participation?

I'm not sure, but I am inclined to think not. Maybe I don't know what I'm talking about, but in this day and age, I'm inclined to believe that probably the majority of them do it because they want to. Not to say there cannot be some other negative factor-- sexual abuse in childhood or thinking she's not smart enough to do anything else --weakening her ability to take positive control of her own destiny. But I want to make it very clear that I feel that an integral part of feminism is that women, as valuable, capable human beings, must be accountable for their actions. If we don't want to be treated like we're helpless or weak, we must not abdicate the responsibilities that come with the rights to live as independent agents of our own lives. That means that not only do we make choices for ourselves, but also that it is not acceptable to blame other people if that choice is a bad one. Perhaps there are reasons why we made the bad one, but ultimately, the choice lay with us. To say otherwise is to reduce a woman to the level of a child, or of the second-class citizen that women have been relegated to in the past. That I find profoundly unfeminist.

And it's not like it couldn't seem like anything other than a bad choice to be taken only by the desperate. Make no mistake, there are certainly reasons to want to do porn. Whether or not you find participating in the making of pornography utterly distasteful or not, you must admit there are a number of thing about it that have an undeniable appeal. I don't know much about the economics of porn, but assuming it's something you are willing to do, I'd bet the money's pretty good for the nature of the work. You don't need a college degree, you don't need any special skills except those that anyone can develop with practice, you probably only work a few hours a day. If you can make a nice living off having sex on camera, you might be able to pay off those student loans, or not have to spend lousy hours on your feet all day waiting tables or working retail. And, of course, let's not forget the validation factor.

Honestly, well... I can understand that better than anything else. It feels good to be know that people find you attractive and desireable-- and the idea that people find you attractive and desireable enough to pay you to display that attractiveness and desireablity, well, who can't see the validation in that? Also, sex and beauty are powerful. When you're the girl that everybody wants, it gives you a kind of value that other people around you might not necessarily have. The appeal of that validation and power are intense; I know, I'm affected by it myself. The small amount of modeling I've done, basically being compensated because I am beautiful, speaks to that instinct in me. Something I've always kind of wanted to do was some kind of sexy pre-show striptease act before a campus performance of Rocky Horror. The idea of the attention, admiration, and, let's face it, the chance to turn every guy on and (every girl green ;-)) in the audience really appealed to me. I never did it, partially because Rocky ended and partially because Jared understandably wasn't quite comfortable with the idea, but I wanted to, and I still do. So I can definitely understand a girl doing something like going into porn because it she liked the way it made her feel desirable and powerful. Crudely put, nobody jerks off to girls they don't find attractive. So there are certainly, at least to me, very compelling reasons why one would willingly get into porn.

Of course, there are equally valid reasons NOT to, and God knows I personally find them even more compelling. I may want to do a show at Rocky, but I would never actually do anything actually pornographic. Though I take for granted in this piece that porn is not inherently morally repugnant, sexual knowledge of me is a privilege reserved to the very, very few who are worthy of it, not a commodity to be bought and indulged in at leisure by anyone at all. That is too important to me. But could it be that that's simply where the dividing line lies? Is the fact that I see the appeal of but wouldn't actually do porn the difference between someone with healthy self-esteem and girls who actually are willing to have sex on camera?

So that begs the question-- if I don't do it as a matter of self-respect, does that mean that the girls who do aren't respecting themselves? Does the fact that I find porn to be something that I would never, ever do for the sake of my personal dignity make it so that I find those who are willing to do it automatically less dignified, and therefore less worthy of my respect? And if it's not so much a choice but a feeling of having no other option for whatever reason, does the fact that porn exists mean those who don't have much self-respect to begin with get put in an even worse position?

I have pondered these questions, and I have arrived at the conclusion that personally I don't believe just because you wouldn't do something yourself means you think someone else is less for doing it. Doing porn is not for me. Neither is polyamory, Islam, or allowing myself to become larger than a size zero. Not to imply that all those things are on a level, they're just what popped into my head, but the point is it's not that I think those things are bad; they just don't work for me. Does the personal rejection of an idea necessarily mean you don't respect it, or at least not think it's not okay if someone else accepts it as part of the way they live their life? No, I don't think porn is classy, I don't think anybody thinks that, but class isn't the sole indicator of worth in the world. I don't think Ikea furniture or not cleaning your bathroom often enough are classy either. Do these things make you a less valuable human being? I don't believe they do, and I don't believe just because I would never do it doesn't mean I automatically devalue those who do.

As for whether or not porn's existence facilitates taking advantage of girls with less self-respect... yes, I suppose it is very likely that at least some girls get into because they lack the self-esteem to keep them out of it. But again, I believe that women must be held responsible for their choices. Self-esteem issues are unfortunate and deserve sympathy, but you are the only one who can do anything about them, and if you don't, you are still not excused from the responsibility to run your own life. It is not the fault of the viewer, who is in all likelihood just looking for something sexy to help him get off, if you're doing something to hurt yourself for all the wrong reasons. I don't believe enjoying the feeling of being turned on by sexy images makes anyone anything other than perfectly human. To me, it's like saying knives shouldn't exist because people might use them to hurt themselves.

Also, I notice nobody ever wonders if the men in porn were sexually abused or have low-self-esteem. Why is it so much more likely for a woman to only be there because she was coerced by some factor, while a man could only be in it because he wanted to? I think we tend to see men as sexual to the point where having any kind of sex at all is a positive for them, one that outweighs any possible side effects. Men can use sex to feel better about themselves too, as well as make bad sexual choices based off of other emotional needs. Men and women are different but they're not that different; maybe MORE women are succeptible to these issues, but if women are at all, that means men can be too. Nobody worries about what being in porn does to male porn stars and I don't know if that's fair. It makes me wonder about the basis for so many of these concerns-- Reports? Statistics? Evidence? --or if at least some of it stems from that notion that the patriarchy is of course willing to do subject women to anything to satisfy their sexual urges. As usual, the truth probably lies somewhere in the middle-- some women and some men get into porn because of their negative issues, and other men and other women do it because they want to.

So I suppose I feel that if you do porn, the choice to do so is ultimately your own. But that is not to say I think the user bears no responsibility to behave correctly in this situation. I believe that if you use porn, you've surrendered your right to make value judgments on it. It's biting the hand that feeds you-- it doesn't sound pretty, but frankly, I'm glad there are some people who don't have the hangups that I do, because if nobody was willing to do porn, then I'd have no porn to watch. It reminds me of how I sometimes get teased for the revealing way I dress by boys who like looking at my body. It drives me crazy to be treated negatively for doing something that they enjoy! It's completely unfair, and I think to myself, well, if I'm going to get mistreated for it, maybe I should stop doing it! Also, it seems to say an awful lot about you that you're involving yourself with something you find so base as to warrant your condemnation. If you're going to dismiss the girl you're jerking off to as a whore, what does it make you, the person who's jerking off to the whore? What makes you any better for wanting her to do something that makes her so bad?

Now, I'm just saying this is wrong, not that that nobody ever does it-- plenty of lousy people are happy to stroke off to those they see as having no more value than chunks of meat. But I see this as a problem of the person using it, not as an inherent aspect of porn itself. I really don't think the average porn user forms any opinions about the specific woman he's looking at beyond "You are hot enough to masturbate to," or about women in general. The process is not deep; find suitable material, use suitable material, induce orgasm, move on with life. Christ, at least that's the way it is for me. And I refuse to accept the whole "But you're a woman and you don't have that problem of objectifying like that." Come off it. I use porn for the exact same reason guys do-- to help me get off. I am not any more evolved than they are.

In relation to this a lot of people also raise the issue of whether or not porn teaches men to disrespect women. Does the fact that in porn women are basically displaying themselves on camera for the express purpose of getting off a male audience necessarily result in objectification and dehumanization of the woman? I guess the argument here is that it casts women in the light of being nothing more than the objects of men's sexuality. I wonder if this comes from that outdated notion that using porn is the indulgence of creepy, socially stunted men who don't have any actual interactions with women and so don't learn anything about them as real people, from back when we pretended that not everyone masturbates. First of all, most men use some kind of porn, and a lot of women too. I feel like if you have interactions with actual women, you learn that they ARE people as a matter of course, and good upbringing is to show them respect. I feel like if you develop that, as pretty much every normal person does, porn has no power to negate it. Again, probably MOST men use porn-- does every man in your life have a block against respecting women? Of course not.

I guess you could point out that some porn is made specifically to cater to that misogynistic audience, but again, I think that's more because some people have the problem of misogyny. They also make all kinds of other media, including the completely non-sexual, that projects a negative view of women as well. Just as you pick your other forms of entertainment based on the kind of content you want to see, so do you pick your explicit material. Some people get off on pretty people having wild consensual sex. Other people get off on the degradation of women. Porn exists for both. Just as some people like sci fi and other people like realistic fiction, books, movies, and TV exist for both. This is not a matter of what is inherent to the nature of the medium-- this is a matter of what the consumer looks for. And Christ knows porn is an excellent example of how, if somebody's willing to pay for it, somebody else is willing to make it. Both nice guys and jerks watch TV shows, and both nice guys and jerks read porn.

Related to this concept is the worry of whether, through the omnipresent use of porn in our culture, men are being trained to want things that might not be healthy under the influence of the standards of porn, while the concern for women is whether they're internalizing the need to be an unhealthy pornographic ideal in order to be sexy. They say that women are made to feel bad by men that want them to look and act in these impossible ways that they see in porn, and when they either can't or don't want to, it both makes them feel less desirable and enjoy sex less. That is an unacceptable state of affairs, that I won't argue with. And certainly this is something that does happen. The trouble with this view, however, is that as an unfair byproduct it also demonizes sexuality that might not necessarily deserve it. There's this accusation that if you do enjoy certain things-- and I feel this gets leveled at men more often than women, but since I've experienced it myself I know it can go both ways --you've been conditioned by our porn-saturated culture to indulge misogynistic, phallocentric sexuality, and you're wrong for it.

I really resent this idea of presuming to tell people what is and isn't okay about their sexuality. Real sex, as in, sex that you are having with another person as opposed to watching on your screen, is an intimate act. What is and isn't okay is to be defined by the people involved, not by any external and unrelated standard. And that goes both ways. No, you shouldn't have to have an impossibly enormous rack and tiny waist in order to be sexy, or pretend to enjoy sex acts that you find frankly painful, much less orgasmic. But if you're a woman who gets turned on by getting called "slut" and "whore" by a man who loves you utterly, or playing submission games with him, are you simply expressing your sexuality in a way that pleases both of you, or are you both just products of the misogynist sexual culture that porn allegedly gives rise to? I hate that question because it's makes your private business with your significant other a matter for standards external to you to decide, rather than yourselves alone.

There's a guilt issue here-- if you're a man who likes a very mainstream standard of female beauty, or is turned on by the stylized version of sexuality in porn, you're made to feel like a bad person for it. If you're a woman, you get it both ways-- you feel like you're not attractive enough for the ways you don't conform to that pornographic standard, and you feel like a bad feminist for the ways you do. Are these fair? Can a man help what he's attracted to, as long as he doesn't disregard the feelings of any woman he's with? Should a woman have to be something, anything, she's not because some external force decided that's what she should be? These guilty feelings are dangerous because they lead to people developing complexes over things that needed healthy expression.

True sexual liberation in my opinion is women deciding for themselves what they want in the bedroom. You shouldn't be having sex with a man who doesn't respect you, but you should be able to decide for yourself what that means. You're in charge of your own sexual destiny. If he gets off calling you "slut" but you don't? Ask him to stop. If he wants to throw your legs back and pound you but it hurts? Ask him to stop. He's not a bad person for wanting these things; he's only a dick if you ask him to stop and he doesn't, and you shouldn't be fucking a man who doesn't care about your feelings. But if you do like and want those things, neither you nor your partner should have to feel like you're dirty or wrong for it.

My foremost experience of this was the time I once got into it with a female acquaintance about what she called "pornocratic sexuality." She was extremely sensitive to the notion that pornographic standards are unfairly applied to women, feeling like women became obligated to do things they didn't want to in order to be attractive to the unrealistic preferences of their men. One of the thigns she cited as an example was shaving one's pubic hair, declaring it infantalizing, unreasonable, and denigrating to the nature of the female body. My response was that this was an over-generalization; why couldn't a woman actively prefer herself that way; why would it have to just be to please a man? "That never happens," she declared, and I started to get irritated. So I told her that I shaved everything below the waste, and I'd been doing so for years. Now this isn't something I should bring up often, but I'm certainly not ashamed of it. She basically said I was pandering to a misogynistic pornographic ideal, which demonstrated how insidiously the "pornocracy" influenced us that I could be affected that way and not even know it. That really offended me. Like I couldn't possibly simply happen to like myself better this way? The blunt fact of the matter is I think bush is kind of unattractive on a girl and I feel much sexier without it. I understand the notion of how that kind of thinking can lead women to seeing their bodies as unacceptable and disgusting for being something that is completely normal, which of course is extremely unhealthy and dangerous. But I do it because I want to. This isn't about pleasing the porn-addled expectations of a man, though I won't lie and say I'm not pleased when it does. If you don't want to shave, then by God you shouldn't. I don't think anyone should have to do anything so trivial if they don't want to. But this is something that makes me feel good about myself, and nobody gets to tell me I'm unfeminist for doing what I want to do with my own body.

Also? If a guy honestly thinks, "Well, I like you just the way you are, but I'd probably like you better without a bush"? There's nothing wrong with that. It doesn't mean he finds you unattractive, or that he doesn't respect you. It's just the way things are. I'm sure you like him the way he is even you might like him a little better if he had rock-hard abs. It doesn't mean he's a misogynist monster, and it doesn't mean that you're not a sexy woman.

I've also heard this tied into the idea that porn creates unrealistic concepts of sex in the minds of the viewers. This one makes me roll my eyes, because this is overwhelmingly the problem of the viewer, not the material they're viewing. You should learn at a very young age that you can't believe everything you see on television, from how wrestling is fake to that models are airbrushed to the fact that it usually takes a little more than a good jackhammering to get a girl to come. Again, not to say that nobody ever does this, and that it's not incredibly stupid-- Christ knows I get irritated at people with the assumption that with every chick is two drinks away from a makeout session with her girl friend over there --but a guy is a moron if he gets his ideas about life from porno. I think there's a little bit of that old idea at work here again that only maladjusted bozos that can't get laid look at porn, which I guess I can understand if the bozo at hand has never had any actual sex, but again, normal people use the stuff too, and I believe it isn't too much to ask from humanity as a whole to know how to distinguish fantasy from reality.

See, I think a lot of this comes down to the fact that for me, porn for me is fantasy. It's indulging in a little make-believe sexual scenario and using it to get off when you masturbate. I don't think it's wrong for people in relationships to use porn, probably because it's not real. It's the same as indulging in a little sexual fantasy in your head of something you're not actually going to do. I'm never ever going to make out with another girl, so if that's what he wants to see, well, there's porn for that. Chances are my boyfriend isn't going to have the flawlessly cut abs that I love so very, very much. Does it make me a bad person for enjoying said abs? No, it does not. For that I'll go to porn. It's not that the people in the relationships are unsatisfied with each other. It's just masturbation, which everyone does and in the right moderation is perfectly healthy. If he stops fucking you and only uses porn, well, he's got a much bigger problem than liking girls with big racks, the same way he would with any addiction. So many of the problems people associate with porn I believe are not inherent to it, but come from the misuse of it, or the way it makes people express issues that they have.

So, my conclusions-- I do not find porn inherently degrading to women, or to men for that matter. The decision to make porn is a choice. I do not believe it is acceptable to look down on those who make the porn you use. I believe that men can use porn and completely respect women at the same time, and if they do not, the problem most likely lies within the man and is not the result of porn use. I believe it is up to the individual to determine what sort of sexuality is acceptable to them, and it is not anyone else's place to make that judgment. Porn is fantasy and the indulgence of the desire to get off.

So that, in probably way too much detail and far too many words, is how I feel on the subject of porn. Again, maybe I'm giving too much credit here, (such credit as that is) but I tend to think the complete thought process on the issue from beginning to end is, "That girl is hot. I want to see her naked and have an orgasm." I know that's my thought process. Only for me it's a guy. :-)

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Kissing rehearsal

Had my first kissing rehearsal for Romeo and Juliet last night. I feel like it's important to the character and scene, so I definitely want it to happen, but I confess, the idea of kissing girls creeps me out. Other people can do what they want, but when it comes to myself, I am a big sucky homophobe-baby and I'm not ashamed to admit it. So this is something I had slightly worked myself up about. Of course, when there's something I'm afraid I'm going to puss out on, I really want to do it to prove I can get it done. The first time we went through it my nerves were making me fuck up my lines and do stupid nervous-tic things like shifting my weight and tucking my hair, and I was really irritated with myself. So I asked Elana if I could do it again, and that time I really concentrated on giving a good performance and not dwelling on my icky feeling. It wasn't so bad, I guess, but it goes to further solidify my lack of understanding of the appeal of bisexuality.

A number of people I know recently decided they were bisexual, and apparently many of the mostly or nominally straight girls I know can get into the idea of other girls. I... don't get it. For me, the idea of touching or kissing a person of my own gender is, well, creepy. I guess it's a matter of "you don't really get it unless you feel it yourself," but whenever I hear about girls talking about attraction to other girls, I can't help but feel like, "But... doesn't the ick factor get in the way? Oh... you don't... have that? Oh." It's not that I can't find girls beautiful, or enjoy looking at them-- Christ, quite the opposite. But when it goes from looking to touching, the little bells go off and a part of me is just grossed out.

If that's your thing, Godspeed, of course, but for me... ew.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Halloween this year

I just found out I have Columbus Day off. Cool. Brandeis and it's ultra-PC "Columbus is responsible for the destruction of native lives and culture" stance on not celebrating the holiday has made me forget that normal people don't have to work that day.

Now that I have given myself a reason to dress up, I need to figure out a Halloween costume for this year. The last time I wore anything was two years ago when I was directing Hamlet, and since we had to have rehearsal that evening, I had people come dressed up. I wore the costume Frances would be wearing in the show, so I was basically her Hamlet for Halloween. :-) This year I'm not sure what to do, though. The easiest thing to do would be to just goth it up and dress slutty, but that's gotten to be kind of my standby and I don't want to become boring and predictable. I may still do that if I can't figure out anything else, but I'm going to try to be a little more original. It occurred to me that I could be Alice, but Christ, that's not exactly a separation from the goth thing, and talk about the laziest costuming ever. So, no. It might amuse me if someone else was Alice, heh, but not me. Any suggestions are welcome.

Monday, October 5, 2009

R&J bio

I've written a few show-program bios in my time that were intended to be funny, but I think I kind of hit the sweet spot here, so I decided I'd share it with all of you ahead of time:

"Phoebe Roberts (Count Paris) knows that if there's one acting challenge that is relished by every five-foot-four, hundred-and-ten-pound girl with a high voice, it's portraying the masculine antagonist who is supposed to present the hero with a viable romantic threat. Blessed with this most coveted opportunity, she has donned her man-pants and practiced her man-walk with great diligence in the service of bringing to life this admirable figure that other characters just can't seem to stop praising when he's not around. The male parts among her previous roles of Dromio of Ephesus (Comedy of Errors), Cordelia/the Fool (King Lear), and Puck (A Midsummer Night's Dream) have also done much to prepare her for this, her manliest role yet. She asks that you all enjoy the show, and remember that you don't need to be taller than your Juliet to be a man of wax."

Heh. I am pleased with myself.

Casting questionnaires

Last night Bernie, Matt, and I got together for dinner to discuss plans for editing Paranoia in preparation for the upcoming WPI run. The most important thing we accomplished was to go over the casting questionnaire and the world bluesheet and get them sent out to players; I've very pleased with the edits we made. We've even got three of them back already, a most excellent start. There's a good bit more to do, of course, but that got the ball rolling.

It occurs to me, having filled out a couple of other people's casting questionnaires lately, that mine are probably frustrating to read because I very rarely have any strong demands on them. I know that if the GM casting doesn't know the player this can make them not terribly useful, but what I'm trying to go for as a player these days is "That really good larper who I can put wherever I need because they will make the most of any role I give them." It's like a personal acting challenge, to see if I can get into and make something no matter what kind of character I'm in. So, GMs who read my perhaps infuriatingly noncomittal questionnaires, know that need not worry; you may do with me what you will. I am yours. Use me. :-)

Sicky-sick

This week Phoebe has a case of the sicky-sicks, which means I have enough of a sore throat and sinus congestion to be very uncomfortable but not so bad that I'm not able to function more or less as normal. I have a pretty tough immune system, but still this seems to crop up about once a year. Guess it's that time again. So, despite my desire to do nothing but roll around in bed muttering, "I'm sick, I'm sick," to myself, as I inexplicably always want to do, I must simply go about my life with slightly more nose-blowing and pain when speaking. Heh, saying hello to my coworker was the first speaking I did all morning, and I was surprised at how creepy my voice sounded. Trying to dose with hot tea, though it kind of hurts to swallow. I'm a little concerned about talking at rehearsals, not to mention the fact that kissing is supposed to start this week. Great, not only do I have to get over my little hangups about kissing a girl, I have to worry about whether I'm going to infect her with plague when I do it. :-P

Friday, October 2, 2009

Rain boots

The sudden steep temperature drops that have been tormenting me the last couple of days forces me to face the fact that autumn is swiftly coming upon us. Today for the first time this season I wore stockings under my jeans, which is a good way to keep warm but makes me feel like a middle-aged woman. I tried to make up for it by dressing extra-stylish today-- suede boots, cream-colored bateau neck, brown knit scarf, and newly-recovered front-facing hoop earrings --but mostly it just made me annoyed about how the jacket that would have matched the boots is still at the drycleaner's and how I really need a brown belt.

As always with the change of the seasons, particularly from warmer to colder, my parents start getting after me to make sure my wardrobe is weather-appropriate. They know me and my tendency to, um, not dress for the weather, shall we say, so they've nagging me to make sure I have all the appropriate warm and waterproof clothing. I kind of want to try wearing corduroys this winter, as Jared tells me they're a lot warmer than jeans, but the only other thing I really feel like I need is rain boots. I guess I have a pair, but they're basically hiking boots and they don't protect the cuffs of my pants, and Christ, do I hate coming home with wet cuffs. So I think a knee-high pair is in order.

Unfortunately, I very much do not like the typical design of waterproof boots these days. Is it so much to ask for a pair that doesn't look like a fireman or a fucking Eskimo should be wearing it? Put a Burberry check or a D&G logo on a clunky chunky ugly Wellington and it's still a clunky chunky ugly Wellington, just with a higher price tag. Aren't there any stylish, sleek, that just happen to be made out of rubber? Or, even better, waterproof leather?

Guess it's off to combing the interwebs for me. On the bright side, judging from the websites, thigh-high boots are in this season! Score!

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Life, fuller

Upon seeing my Google calendar with Jared's events displayed on it as well:

"Wow, Jared's life really makes your life a lot fuller."

...

Yes. Yes, it does.

:-)

Philosophy of stuff

Perhaps some of you have heard me go off on one of my impassioned rants against that thing that has come to irritate me more and more lately-- stuff. You know, things, items, objects, physical bric-a-brac that seems to be increasingly cluttering up my life.

A lot of people don't get my aversion to stuff, but I find growing steadily more intense is my desire to disassociate myself from the attachment to physical things. Material objects just seem like such silly things to make emotional investments in. They get lost, they break, and they certainly don't love you back. Also, the more crap you have, the harder it is to clean around it all, leading to dust and general clutter. I can't bear clutter because it robs me of my special love, the clear surface. Not sure why, maybe because it gives me space to do things in, maybe it just makes thing seem clean and organized. Stuff just kind of... gets in the way.

Of course, in the interest of accuracy and fairness, I admit there are particular kinds of stuff I not only like, but actively bring me a specific joy. Dishes, cookware, glasses-- the accoutrements of cooking and eating of any kind. Comfort things likes sheets, towels, tablecloths. Domestic things in general, I suppose, things that make a house more comfortable, liveable, and pleasant. Pretty jewelry and clothes are increasingly becoming a weakness of mine. And as much as I may love how compact, neat, and easily accessible digital data storage is, nothing will ever replace the sensation of a book in your hands.

So, yeah, I guess I don't hate all stuff. But notice what all these things have in common. They are all highly functional, have a closely defined storage space, and tend toward being visually attractive. They are used frequently and efficiently for very specific purposes. Cookware goes in the cabinets, jewelry goes in the jewelry box, clothes go in the closet, books go on the shelves.

I despise tchotchkes. I despise things that have no use other than to sit out collecting dust and taking up counter space. Nothing makes a place more uncomfortable and claustrophobic for me than overcrowding with badly organized stuff. The few that I do have were all gifts from important people-- my boyfriend, my best friend, my brother. And though I usually like them at least a little, I mostly keep them around out of consideration for the person who was kind enough to give me a gift. But honestly I kind of wish they hadn't bothered. For me, the thought is enough. I don't have to dust a thought.

Early in our relationship I remember Jared was constantly giving me things, and whenever money needed to be spent he would always try to pay for me. I appreciated his desire to show affection that way and take care of me, but it made me kind of uncomfortable. I really don't like the equation of love with the willingness to spend money, not to mention I don't really want to have any more stuff. I want to trade off paying when going out to eat, and have people know I would rather they write me a little note saying something nice to me than have them buy me anything. I have had to lay down some pretty firm rules about this issue with some people, as I do not want any advantage taken, nor the appearence of the same.

The other thing is, closely related but for me a distinct issue, I especially don't like junk. If I am going to concede the space and money to the having of a physical thing, I really want it to be worth it. I would rather save up and spend a little bit more on the version that is actually nice and what I want than get the cheap and junky version that isn't as durable, attractive, or useful.

Sometimes I just want to go through my space and throw away stuff in big armfuls. But even I must concede sometimes it's better to have it in case you need it, rather than having to go out and buy it when the contingency arises.
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