I want to want nothing

It's always been hard for me to believe that it's okay for me to want things.

I'm not sure why. It's certainly not something caused by my upbringing; for the most part my family has been very supportive and understanding of the things I needed and always endeavored to give me all of it. But for some reason, I have always felt like asking people for things was weak, demanding, selfish, and wrong, and needing anything was dangerous, because you don't have the right to expect anything, so you probably weren't going to get it.

This wasn't such a big deal before I came to college. In high school I was a much colder, more detached person, and nothing had all that much power to hurt me. It's not that I was particularly zen or evolved; I didn't have much investment in anything outside of myself, people included, which meant nothing external meant all that much either way. Totally natural, totally incidental, of no personal effort whatsoever. But I held it up as a point of pride, and constructed a lot of my image on it-- I am beautiful and untouchable, and I don't need anybody or anything. And I know for a fact that many of the boys I dated so casually and detachedly thought it was awesome how low-maintenance I was.

But, to paraphrase Sean Connery in First Knight, he who needs nothing loves nothing, and that was true of me. Nothing mattered all that much, which meant there was nothing that would hurt me to lose, but also nothing, and no one other than my family, that I really loved or cared about.

Thankfully, I've become a lot more human since high school. It means that things matter to me now, people matter to me now. But it also means that now I need things from people, and the cost of that is that a lot more has the power to hurt me, not least of which is my guilt over it. Maybe it's because I spent so much time telling myself that it was a thing that made me stronger and better that I didn't need anything, but nowadays I feel bad about myself when I do. And I had evidence that my low-maintenance qualities were considered to be part of my appeal. Weak, needy people wanted things. Nobody likes to constantly have to do things for somebody else-- I was more desirable because they wouldn't have to do anything for me. To ask is selfish and demanding, petty and dependent, and what makes me think that anyone owes me anything? What right do I have to ask?

A huge example of this was my (non-)relationship with Alain. He was the first person I ever had strong feelings for-- certainly not love, but still, strong feelings. Which made him pretty much the first person ever I really strongly desired to have a connection with. So, in my desperation to make him want to have a connection with me, I wanted to make myself seem appealing, low-maintenance, completely free of undesirable qualities. So I never asked him for anything, never made any demands on him, no matter what I was feeling. If I wanted attention that he didn't seem inclined to give, I never asked for any. If something he did hurt my feelings and made me feel uncared for, I let it go. This was partially because I never wanted to seem like a chore, and partially because of how afraid I was that even if I did ask, he wouldn't want to give it to me. And because I asked for nothing from me, he gave me nothing, until even our relationship became nothing, and I ached for it.

I recognize how unhealthy this is. My behaving like that contributed in large part to how damaging that situation was to me. But it's always hard to get over, even now that I associate with people who are much better for me. I'm still kind of afraid that if I suddenly start needing things, I'll lose the appeal of being so low-maintenance and come to be seen as a burden. And I'm definately afraid of having my needs rejected. I don't know why I expect to never get what I want, even from the people I love, whom I know love me. Or more specifically, why I expect them to never want to do anything for me. It's even caused problems for Jared and I when I said "It's okay," so many times when it wasn't that he didn't know any better than to keep on doing things that caused me pain. I know in my head that people who love you will want to make sure you have the things you need. But I'm afraid of testing that love and finding that it wasn't enough to want to take care of me after all. And finally, I'm afraid that if I get used to someone giving me things and doing things for me and helping me, what will happen to me if suddenly they're not there anymore? To have it and then have it taken away I'm afraid would break me. And I guess I worry that i I know it isn't healthy; God knows I've suffered for it in the past. But it's so hard to escape that desire for freedom from desire. I use to repeat that to myself, in my mind, and in my journal, again and again during low periods. I want to want nothing. If you don't want anything, you never get hurt when you don't get it. If nobody has to take care of you, nobody can get tired of taking care of you.

I am still working through this. But at least I understand the trouble I have.