This entry is likely to be a little rambling, vague, and unfocused, so please pardon. What I'm trying to accomplish is a bit difficult given the limits I'm putting on myself, but I am doing my best to get my point across in a way that makes me feel comfortable.
A lot of people put up status reports on the states of their lives and how they're doing and feeling at a given time so that their friends understand what's up with them, particularly if their current state affects their behavior or mood. I like this idea, but I do not so much like letting people in on private matters that may be the reason for my status. So I am endeavoring to express where I am in such a way as still allows me the privacy I need.
I am not at my best lately. I would guess this has been clear to some and not so clear to others. I'm trying to deal with some difficult things lately, and they are a not-insignificant source of stress. My schedule has also been very tightly packed with committments and responsibilities, and I find myself a bit overwhelmed by my lack of free time. Finallyy, I feel like the level of prying that has been done into my affairs has placed an additional burden on me that makes everything even more difficult for me to bear, and has done a great deal to chip away at my wellbeing.
As I've said before, I'm not the kind of person who likes airing laundry in public. I know that for many people talking is the way to feel better and deal with problems, but this not only does not often help me, it very frequently makes things worse. I get embarrassed, even ashamed of myself, when people are aware of the negative stuff I have to deal with. It makes me feel bad about myself. Also, it has been my experience that when I confide in people, they inevitably form an opinion about the matter. I don't want people forming opinions about my life; I don't feel it's their place to pass judgment. If I have ever confided in you any of my real troubles, the more you develop an opinion on any of it, the less I am inclined to confide anything of substance in you further. Some of you I know have already experienced this. I apologize if this hurts your feelings, but I'm not going to continue doing something designed to make me feel better when it's just making me feel worse.
Through no actions of my own, I have been put in a position a lot lately of people learning things about my life that I don't feel are their business, and been subject to their feelings on the matter. On one hand, I respect that other people don't necessarily deal with things the same way I do, and need to talk stuff out with others. On the other hand, I kind of resent that people are let into my business without my consent, and as such I am forced against my will to deal with their opinions.
The judgment has felt heavier than usual lately. It's starting to get to me, leading to me feeling drained, oversensitive, and less able to bear the people I feel are digging into places they don't belong. Because of this, I've been more withdrawn and less up for things lately, particularly things involving large crowds consisting of people I don't want to deal with. I've had less patience for just about everything, for which if you've been on the recieving end recently I apologize.
I think this will pass soon, provided I get enough time away from the presses of other people's unwanted involvement. But for the meantime I am not quite myself. Please forgive me. But frankly, people... lay off. Please don't dig where it clearly distresses me for you to do so. Respect my privacy, give me the benefit of the doubt that I am handling things as best as I am able. It is not your place to render judgment.
I'm not sure if this makes any sense. But for now, that's where I am, and that is what I need.
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