Office Supplies

So, at my silly temporary office job at this non-profit in Newton, one of my recent (few) responsibilities was to organize the office supplies in the filing cabinet in my little office. I actually kind of enjoyed it, I'm good at organizing and it let my brain wander. Through the process I discovered there was an enormous amount of extra, well, everything-- so much so that buying any more of a number of things would be a total waste of money. Makes me wish I were more inclined to steal office supplies. But, being me, I couldn't just TELL my coworkers this. I wrote a humorous e-mail informing them of the various ways I would use these office supplies if they insisted on buying more of them.


Hi, everyone in CLLC,

Phoebe, the temp filling in for Amy, here. I just got done sorting through the cabinet in Amy’s office full of various supplies. And let me tell you, we have a lot of stuff. So much stuff it makes me think that maybe buying more stuff isn’t such a great idea.

Just how much stuff do we have?

We have enough refill rolls of Scotch tape that I could use it to seal all of you in your offices for all eternity while I stole everyone’s lunches out of the refrigerator. Is that what you want? If you buy more Scotch tape, you’ll only make it easier for me.

Don’t even think about getting more rubber bands. The more rubber bands you supply me with, the more irresistibly I shall be forced to follow you around all day, shooting them at you like little slingshots. For you it’ll get old fast, but trust me, it won’t for me. So don’t buy more rubber bands.

If someone says to you that they need binder clips, they are an egregious liar, and you should immediately become suspicious of anything else they say. They’re probably trying to divert funds into their secret criminal enterprise, in fact. And do not be deceived by “Oh, I need a special SIZE of binder clip.” Because we have EVERY size of binder clip. We have big giant binder clips I could use to subdue rioting prisoners and then temporarily clamp their hands together with. We have teeny tiny binder clips that I can only surmise are designed for keeping track of very important individual strands of human hair. And we have every size of binder clip in between, so if you’ve got a binder that needs clipping, there exists in this office the right clip for you.

We have so many push pins I kind of want to declare war on some tiny foreign country just so I can use them to explain my troop movements on a great big map. Unless you want to be personally responsible for my devastation of some innocent people by senseless push pin-motivated war, don’t buy more push pins. Oh, and if any more highlighters get bought, I will use them to draw war paint on my troops.

If you need holders for name tags, you’d better get them out of the drawer in Amy’s office, or else I will force you to wear a name tag that says something mean on it, like, “I buy unnecessary office supplies, shun me,” or “My head is strangely shaped.”

Do not bring more Post-it notes into this office unless you want to stumble upon the temp building a fort for herself entirely out of Post-its in the middle of the hallway. It might take up a lot of space, given how many we’ve got. And I won’t let you in, it’ll be my fort. If you mess with it, I will have no choice but to defend it by shooting staples at you. Or by firing more rubber bands. After all, we’ll have so many of them. Don’t buy staples, either. They would be a big help sealing all of you in your offices.

So, to summarize this rambling way of getting to my point, if you need some kind of office supply, chances are there is more than enough of it in the filing cabinet right behind me, so it’s probably a good idea to instead consult the now-beautifully-organized drawer instead of spending money on more. The consequences, as I have just explained, would be dire. So remember to be suspicious of anyone who tells you they need to order office stuff. They’re probably trying to appropriate company money to buy drugs.

Your loving temp,

Phoebe

I was a bit concerned whether it was over the line for a brand-new temp, but I figured what the hell. It's the most fun I've had since I started.

I hope they do not interpet this as "Clearly the temp needs more work to do." Though it probably is true.