"Man of the Theater"

I've always liked this image for some twisted reason. In a kinky way I like the bizarre way my body looks with the ace bandage crisscrossing my chest and changing my shape. It was taken by Jordi Goodman during Romeo and Juliet tech week, when I was playing Paris. Part of my pre-show ritual when playing men (which is often for me) is to walk around in just the ace bandage I use to bind down my breasts. It's hard to explain exactly what this does for me, but I guess it's a weird way of acknowledging my femininity and then dismissing it in order to fully take on the male persona I will be playing. For me, I think it's the exposed midriff contrasting with the rest of my appearence. I feel like my midriff is one of the most attractive parts of my body, so when it's exposed I feel like my normal feminine self. But when I'm bound up it's like I've put on a different skin, taken on a different shape, a male one that I want to settle into before I dress it in its costume. Though in my regular life I feel naturally traditionally feminine in most ways, and am pretty secure in that notion, I like sometimes stepping into masculine headspace. This is part of the way I transition into feeling more manly. A lot of girls can't play men because they don't like the implication that they can be unfeminine enough to make a believable man, but maybe this ritual is how I avoid that. You can see my sexy girl belly is still there, but the rest of me is different, reformed into something almost like a man.

There's something kinky about this image, something transgressive that appeals to me. I am fascinated by how flat I look here, strong flat stomach muscles beneath a flat bound-up chest, going down into hips flattened by the cut of my slacks. I also like the suggestion of constraint; not only is my chest bound, even the way I hold myself looks tightly contained and carefully controlled. I remember when I was in Love's Labor's Lost how fixated some of my castmates were on how uncomfortable it must have been; some seemed even slightly creeped out by it. To some apparently this is something kind of twisted. But to me, it's part of changing how I feel in order to feel like the different thing I'm trying to become. Maybe I like this image because of how it shows that process, of becoming that other thing. Maybe I like how different I look from how I normally see myself; I've always enjoyed becoming someone totally different from me. Or maybe it's that very juxtaposition I mentioned before, of constrained, reshaped torso and squared-off man trousers that I put on as markers of masculinity with my beloved midriff that I associate so strongly with appealing femininity. There's some complicated weirdness going on here, and I can't quite put my finger on what it is that appeals so much to me, but all I'm sure of is that something here I find very, very cool. Just out of curiosity, do I look at all masculine to anyone else's eye? Or do I just look like a skinny girl with an ace bandage around her chest?

I call this image "Man of the Theater." I like the pun of the title. I would be a man of the theater if I were a man, since I participate in the making of it. But also, I'm not really a man, so my being a man IS theater. And since I'm not really a man, it's only through the theater that I can be a man at all.

Perhaps sometime, if someone with any facility with a camera wants to, I'd like to reshoot this image a little more deliberately. Maybe do a series of myself in man pants, with my hair slicked, and my breasts flattened out by an ace bandage, where I actively try to look as masculine as possible that way. It might make an interesting study, as I'm so fascinated by the image it produces.