Pathological fear of awkwardness

I have an excessive fear of awkwardness. I don't know why, but I absolutely can't stand it. It makes me uncomfortable to the point where I will go to enormous, often massively inconvenient lengths to avoid it. Generally, this just means I don't like being around constantly awkward people. But other times it means that I will not risk dealing with any situation with which I'm not totally comfortable for fear of things becoming awkward.

The thing that bothers me is that my tolerance for it is so low is that sometimes it even keeps me from seeking out my friends if there strikes me as the slightest possibility of it. There are a fair number of people I like who I am sometimes afraid to contact for fear of having an awkward interaction. Unless I am absolutely assured that they will be a person I can socialize with without having to stress over what to talk about and how to keep things going smoothly, often I can't make myself reach out at all, even if I want to. I can't even initiate an IM conversation, no matter how much I want to talk to a person just to enjoy their company, if I'm worried I won't have enough to say. Sometimes I can only see certain people in groups, not because I don't want to be with them one-on-one, but I'm afraid that without more people contributing I won't be engaging enough.

You know how more and more I hold dinner parties as my preferred form of social interaction. It's in part because I have the control in that situation to keep them working the way that makes me most comfortable. The guest list is chosen by me, the activity and setting and context is all acceptable to me, and it can be managed to minimize the potential for awkwardness.

There's other things tied into this, like how I sometimes half-expect people to find my asking for their contact a bother, like I'm nagging them for their attention. Though I do in fact actually know that my friends wouldn't be my friends if they didn't like spending time with me, it can be hard to shake the paranoia sometimes that people who don't contact me very often are only just being friendly when I am around to be polite. But it's a two-way street, maybe they're feeling the same way as I do about me. Maybe they're just as afraid of awkwardness as I am, or that they might be bothering me if they do contact me. (I couldn't say I'd blame them for that, given what a grumpy person I am.)

I think this goes back to the fact that I rely a lot on etiquette and nonverbal communication to interact with people. I was brought up to believe the height of good manners was the ability to take a hint. Do not, for example, force someone to SAY they are uncomfortable with something you're doing, but rather, be able to SEE that they are uncomfortable and then act accordingly to relieve it. It is awkward to have to say something like, "I need to be alone right now, so go away," or "I don't want to go out because I can't spend the money," so the well-mannered person tries to be sensitive to the projected feelings of others to not force them into having to articulate things that make them embarrassed. And accordingly, I would like people to be able to be just as sensitive to me. But unfortunately there are plenty of things that there is no real reason to feel uncomfortable about saying and therefore would be better to just SAY. But those things can be really hard for me because of this sensibility. Like, this situation wouldn't be awkward if I just have the savvy to keep it from becoming awkward. I was in a situation recently where just throwing out the things I was feeling verbally was the best way to handle it, but even though I was speaking to a good friend I trust, and managed it and I'm ultimately glad I did it, I really wish I could have found a less awkward way to make myself understood.

Since my depression really set in there are a handful of people who are truly important to me that I kind of slipped out of contact with. Not completely, fortunately, but spending as much time as I did shut away moping did not do anything positive for those relationships. I feel so bad about losing touch that I feel awkward about getting back into touch because it will highlight how long I've ignored them. Which just leads to staying even longer out of touch. And then I am further distanced from those important people.

What I need to do is just get over it. Trying calling, IMing, even hanging out with people I want to have in my life. And if things are awkward well... I'll just have to deal. And if I can't, nobody has more "escape in case of awkward" plans than I do. It's not going to kill me if I try. And things might just get less awkward in the future because of it.