One day last week at Midsummer rehearsal Jared and I didn't have much to do for a while, so we starting messing around looking at pictures on DeviantART. He noticed a painting of Jessica Alba, of whom he's a big fan, and found an artist who does portraits of various female celebrities like her. His work was good, if perhaps a little on the creepy side, seeing as he did tons of images of them in various masculine fantasy poses in amusingly brief costumes. Still, Jared generally didn't like how he depicted them. One of the things he likes about Jessica Alba is her sleek curves, and all the images had her drawn much skinnier than she actually is, all hard stomach and narrow waist.
I find this kind of mind-blowing, and yet so sadly typical. This guy clearly thinks these women are beautiful, or else he wouldn't produce picture after picture of them. But despite this, he doesn't find them satisfactory as they actually are-- he has to slim them down and smooth them out to the point where they obviously do not look like themselves. It's like this in magazines too. Even women who are touted as the most beautiful still are still airbrushed and photo-edited so that they're thinner and sleeker and smoother. It makes me irritated when people think I'm crazy for wanting to be so thin. Why shouldn't I, when so many people find it more beautiful than the alternative? That Jessica Alba may be a hottie, but she'd be better if she were just a little bit smaller in the waist?
Maybe it's not exactly right, but I understand it. Yes, I try to judge on a case by case basis, but in general I find a thin girl more attractive than a heavy one. And even if everyone isn't automatically more beautiful if they're thinner, I believe that I am more attractive that way. I get a lot of ire from people for being as thin as I am and still worrying about my weight. I'm told it makes people feel bad because they can't be that kind of beautiful. But perhaps that's not quite fair to me. Do you ever think that, while you might not be able to be beautiful by being thin, maybe I can't be beautiful by being heavy, and that distresses me? God, even though my boyfriend loves me and tells me I'm beautiful, it's sometimes kind of tough to know that he technically prefers a body type I can never be no matter what I do. Even if you like full, curvy figures, mine can never look like that. I don't have nice hips, they're flat and bony. My breasts are nothing special. What I've got going for me is my flat stomach and narrow waist. The only way my body can look good is by keeping my midsection as spare as possible. The only weight I ever gain never goes anywhere that might look nice; it just hangs off my belly, turning me into a stick with an ugly bulge in the middle of it. So while maybe you don't like that you can't get as thin as I can, I don't like that if I do gain any weight, everything is ruined.
I hate that people hold it against me that I want to be so thin. That's what I find most beautiful for myself, so why shouldn't I want that? Maybe if I could have nice feminine curves, I would prefer that, but I can't. So why would anyone begrudge me? And furthermore, I hate the reaction people acting like that causes in me. It makes me hate my body whether I want to or not. I hate that I am forced to think of my body in terms of what's lacking in it in order to defend my preferences. "I have to be thin, 'cause I don't have anything else going for me!" Even when I feel like I do like my body, I also feel like I shouldn't because somebody makes some comment about how I look like a twelve-year-old, or some bullshit like that. I was told once that someone I know once said something to the effect of how they didn't know much about me, except I have food issues. Apparently that was the most notable thing about me. Again, my need to be thin is weird. And because I feel guilty about other people feeling bad, I put myself down in order to make them feel better. "Jesus, Phoebe, you're thin." "Yeah, well, I have practically no tits." I don't like playing that game. I don't like having to apologize for being thin by putting down some other part of myself, by saying yeah my tummy's okay, but I don't have the right hips, the right breasts, the right ass, the right whatever.
I'm not sure where I'm going with this. But I'm upset by the fact that it feels like I can't win either way. If I'm struggling to stay thin, I'm hearing about how crazy I am, and if I'm not, I've stuck with the fact that I don't have any of the features that make heavier girls attractive. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.
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