Shame issues

One thing I always admired about C.S. Lewis's personal work is how ruthlessly self-analytical he is. I've alluded in this space before to how he is brutally honest about who he is and what he did wrong and what is wrong with him that he made those mistakes.

I pride myself on being a self-aware person; I'm pretty good at realizing what's really going on with me, and I do a good job not letting me lie to myself. So yes, I, like Lewis, tend to know exactly what my problems, flaws, or shortcomings are. Where we differ is that he can tallk about them, confess them to the world-- when he was selfish, when he was weak, stuff like that. For owning up to those, my shame issues get too much in the way.

I'm not talking about "this thing I screwed up and did wrong." Those I try to be upfront about, the mistakes I make, because there's no better way to seem like a dick than to not own up to when you mess up. What I'm talking about is the internal stuff, the things about me that aren't so admirable. When there is something about me that I feel is qualitatively lacking in myself, sometimes I just get so ashamed of it that I have to pretend that part of me doesn't exist. When I feel selfish, or weak, or not as good as I want to be, I hide it, so no one will know I ever was anything so pathetic.

A lot of the time feeling so ashamed of my baser feelings keeps me from acting on them, which I guess is a good thing. But sometimes it leads to me keeping secret the negative stuff I do. It worries me sometimes. I also wonder how people who don't get so ashamed of themselves deal with these stuff.