I hear of classmates of mine getting productions here and there, and I don't understand how they do it. Do they know people? Are they just luckier? I hope so, because the alternative is to think that I'm just not good enough and they're all so much better than me. I really really don't want to believe that.
I have a lot of moments where I can't quit thinking that nothing's ever going to come of my writing. That I'm wasting two years and putting myself in debt for a degree that's never going to get me anywhere. But it's what I want, and the alternative is not really making me happy, so I guess I just need to keep working on making it happen. Guess I just wish I knew it would pay off eventually. I could struggle forever if I was sure that it was getting me somewhere, but it's hard to keep going when you're not at all sure your effort isn't ultimately going to come to nothing. Positive thinking has never been my strong suit, but I resolved this Lent to try to do more of it. That's why I'm trying to take positive actions, because sometimes you can control how you act a lot more easily than you can control how you think.
I am beginning to want more and more to just do it myself. To start my own theater company where I can act and write as I please. I'm tired of waiting around for other people to decide whether or not I'm allowed. I'm not sure if this is a crazy idea, as it probably takes a lot more capital than I have free to get something like that going, but I hate being at the mercy of other people. You guys all know that I am much more inclined to do all the work myself if it gets me what I want rather than wait around for somebody else's permission. Unfortunately I'm not sure if this is just plain too far outside my means to handle under my own power.
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