Because I just wrote a post that was meditative and deep, being me, I have to follow it up with one that is completely shallow. I have recently discovered an interesting style blog called Wardrobe Oxygen that is interesting and informative as the writer takes the approach that a little knowhow and taste can make anyone of any body type look fantastic, and you don't need to spend a ton on clothes to put together a great look. I especially liked her article Staples for Every Woman's Wardrobe, which tells you what basics you should have to optimize your closet for the most use and best look. As I am endeavoring to learn how to dress better and look more put together, I am evaluating my own wardrobe against this list and seeing what I need to look into.
I don't have a tailored black suit. It's probably a good idea, but I've never been a big fan of suits for myself. Maybe a tailored one would be flattering, but I'm afraid it would negatively emphasize my petiteness and make me look like a kid playing dressup. Anyway that's not in the budget at the moment, and I have things that could sub in for this in most appropriate situations.
I don't have a decent pair of black dress slacks. The one I do have, to give you a frame of reference, was most recently worn in the service of making me look like a man-- they're slightly too big and do not flatter my shape in any way. This is something worth looking into; could come in handy in so many contexts. I do have a black dress skirt-- short enough to be interesting, but still professional-looking and dressy --but the fabric's getting a bit nappy and it's close to wearing out, so I should probably look into replacing it.
I have nice jeans. I have lots of nice jeans. I am Lucky Brand's zombie slave, because they're gorgeous and so flattering. At the moment, I have seven pairs of undamaged nice jeans and two more that are ripped but still look good and are wearable. I love them so much, and when left to my own devices don't usually wear anything else. Basically, I am set for jeans until I get fat. :-)
I have black heeled boots. They're new, too, and lovely, though they're my rain boots they are such beautiful elegant leather they can be worn as dress shoes. My calves just a bit too narrow for the shafts of the boots, but other than that they're fantastic.
I don't exactly have black pumps. I have black high-heeled sandals that I've had forever and are sexy and I love, and with stockings they are totally dressy enough. But as long as I've had them they're getting a little worn, so maybe I should look into replacing them.
I have several little black dresses, since I think they're just about the greatest things ever. I have a party dress suitable for many kinds of occasions, a cocktail dress that's sexy but elegant, and a club dress that looks painted on. :-) To be honest, the party dress is nice but I don't love it, as it's got an empire waist and the loose skirt doesn't particularly flatter my narrow shape. I wonder if I could belt it with something to give me a little more definition. The others serve their purpose admirably. :-D
I have silver earrings. I love simple elegant real precious metal earrings, and wear them with pretty much any outfit. Nice jewelry gets me every time.
I have a signature accessory-- that would be my lovely anniversary necklace that I wear almost every day. Elegant and simple, its white gold and diamonds go with everything, and it's probably my favorite thing that I own.
I don't exactly have a black or gray merino V-neck sweater, but I have similar. Since getting a job and especially since the turn into winter, I wear a lot of sweaters these days because they're a simple way to look put together and still be warm. Also, I love merino, a special kind of wool; it's gorgeous, soft, wears well, and looks way more expensive than it is. Can never have too much merino.
I have many trendy skirts. Most of my skirts are very short, (the plaid schoolgirl, the brown denim, the layered white, the tan suede) but I have several cute and versatile ones, and at least one nice long one, red with a black and white butterfly motif. Might be worth it to have more longs, just to give dressing up options.
I have a couple of trendy jackets-- tan suede, green cuorderoy, black velour, and they're not difficult to matchto clothes and shoes. I've even got a red blazer and a gray one in a pinch. I'm a fan of nice jackets.
I'm... not certain if I have a good evening top. I have a fantastic silky red blouse (the only really nice thing I ever got at New York and Company, the downscale Express) but it's a little formal. Hmm... not sure what qualifies for this, but I feel like I've got to have something pretty and hot that I could throw on for a party or under a jacket for going out.
I have found the perfect T. I love Mossimo's v-neck form-fitting shirts in all their lovely colors. I have three right now, in pink, purple, and green. I really should pick up more of these, they're so versatile and nice.
I have a couple well-fitting wool winter coats. One is the thigh-length green one that was my costume for playing bronzite's NPC (very kind of him to let me keep it) and one is the calf-length black one that used to be my mothers. My desire to dress better lately has lead me to favor these kinds of coats, as they're so much nicer-looking than my hated Gortex Scourge of Winter ski jacket. Also, they're easily to pair with a matching scarf-and-gloves set to dress them up.
I have great-fitting bras and no-visible-panty-line underwear. I have to; being a little on the small side up top, my rack benefits greatly from proper display. Also, there's nothing tackier than visible panty lines, and I am a lady.
I have recently discovered the wonders of pashmina. I have a couple, but the more colors you have, the more outfits you can coordinate them with. They are warm as well as beautiful.
I do not have a clutch purse. While I agree that one's everyday bag should not be carried to formal occasions, I don't exactly attend a whole lot of formal occasions and thus don't have much need for them. Still, if ever I do, I should probably look into it.
I have nice everday bags, both leather and quite handsome. I still hate having to carry one these days, but if I've got to by God I'm going to like them. The small one has a shoulder strap that can be separated by unzipping it into backpack straps, and the larger one is a shoulder bag and buttery-soft. I kind of wish I had a black one, as both of them are brown and don't always match what I'm wearing.
I have sexy shoes, and boots as well. I don't wear them as often as I'd like to, as my feet wear out very quickly, but heels are sexy and fun and a great way to dress up an outfit.
I have sunglasses. They're prescription as I don't wear contacts, but they're a bit stronger than my regular eyeglasses they sometimes give me a headache. That leads to me not wearing them as often as may be healthy for my eyes.
Wow, looking over this list, I'm in better shape than I thought I would be. Still, next time I plan to shop for clothes, I should probably keep the gaps here in mind.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Jared's 22nd
Today is Jared's twenty-second birthday. Much love and joy to the one who brings me love and joy.
Happy birthday, dear.
Happy birthday, dear.
The loving-yourself theory (aka Roberts's Theory of Human Behavior #1)
One of the theories I have developed about people in the last few years and have come to passionately believe is that you cannot love others if you don't first love yourself.
People tend to view love as a feeling, and of course it is, a powerful and important feeling that does a great deal to move us. But perhaps more significantly it is an act; real love comes from the extension of the self for another. That's the hard part, and the part that demands the most from us. Love the feeling is infinite; love the act, requiring effort and time, is not. It's a big job for one human being to do all the acts of love that are necessary to interacting with our fellow men, even the ones who are precious to us.
Everyone of course needs love; there is an emptiness inside us that can only be filled by love. While we naturally want it from other people, part of it must come from ourselves or we are not complete, not truly fulfilled. Everyone knows someone who is a lovely, well-liked person for whom despite the love of others still cannot escape the unhappiness of not loving themselves. That, I believe, is the thing most often responsible for selfishness, unkindness, and absence of the acts of love.
No matter how much one dislikes oneself, it is only human nature to struggle to reach some state of peace and contentment with the person one is; it is very rare for someone, whether consciously or not, to make no effort to bring themselves to a point where they can like themselves. People with chronic self-esteem problems have a constant emptiness that they will always be trying to fill. But if you are constantly having to throw your love into your own empty pit, the effort of taking care of your own bad feelings about yourself detracts from any effort you have for acts of love toward anyone else.
Sometimes you take out your bad feelings on others, or you begin resenting those that have what you feel you don't. Also, it makes you profoundly self-centered, inclined only to what you want and not what's good for the people around you, if only because you don't have the thought (which, yes, is an effort in and of itself) to spare for the people around you. The result in any case is that you do not do the acts that you should to love the people in your life.
I see this tendency in myself. Normally I have pretty damn good self-esteem, often, as I'm sure some would heartily agree, a little too much. But even I get self-disliking sometimes, and when I do, God knows it's tough to expend the effort on other people when I don't feel good about myself. I get self-absorbed, which leads to being unkind to the people around me.
You have to love yourself. You have to believe you are a worthwhile, meaningful human being with something good to contribute to the world. You have to believe you are strong enough, good enough, and valuable enough that it is important for you to commit your acts of love. If you don't... you won't do them. You won't give because you feel you have nothing to give. You won't think about others because self-dislike absorbs you too much in yourself.
I am trying to remember this to forgive people who I see acting badly, and to help get passed this tendency in myself.
People tend to view love as a feeling, and of course it is, a powerful and important feeling that does a great deal to move us. But perhaps more significantly it is an act; real love comes from the extension of the self for another. That's the hard part, and the part that demands the most from us. Love the feeling is infinite; love the act, requiring effort and time, is not. It's a big job for one human being to do all the acts of love that are necessary to interacting with our fellow men, even the ones who are precious to us.
Everyone of course needs love; there is an emptiness inside us that can only be filled by love. While we naturally want it from other people, part of it must come from ourselves or we are not complete, not truly fulfilled. Everyone knows someone who is a lovely, well-liked person for whom despite the love of others still cannot escape the unhappiness of not loving themselves. That, I believe, is the thing most often responsible for selfishness, unkindness, and absence of the acts of love.
No matter how much one dislikes oneself, it is only human nature to struggle to reach some state of peace and contentment with the person one is; it is very rare for someone, whether consciously or not, to make no effort to bring themselves to a point where they can like themselves. People with chronic self-esteem problems have a constant emptiness that they will always be trying to fill. But if you are constantly having to throw your love into your own empty pit, the effort of taking care of your own bad feelings about yourself detracts from any effort you have for acts of love toward anyone else.
Sometimes you take out your bad feelings on others, or you begin resenting those that have what you feel you don't. Also, it makes you profoundly self-centered, inclined only to what you want and not what's good for the people around you, if only because you don't have the thought (which, yes, is an effort in and of itself) to spare for the people around you. The result in any case is that you do not do the acts that you should to love the people in your life.
I see this tendency in myself. Normally I have pretty damn good self-esteem, often, as I'm sure some would heartily agree, a little too much. But even I get self-disliking sometimes, and when I do, God knows it's tough to expend the effort on other people when I don't feel good about myself. I get self-absorbed, which leads to being unkind to the people around me.
You have to love yourself. You have to believe you are a worthwhile, meaningful human being with something good to contribute to the world. You have to believe you are strong enough, good enough, and valuable enough that it is important for you to commit your acts of love. If you don't... you won't do them. You won't give because you feel you have nothing to give. You won't think about others because self-dislike absorbs you too much in yourself.
I am trying to remember this to forgive people who I see acting badly, and to help get passed this tendency in myself.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Crisis averted! ;-)
For all those of you who have had to listen to me bitch about it, you may rest easy now-- since this Christmas, I now have a brown belt to match my brown shoes. And my brown bag, too!
Wardrobe crisis averted!
;-)
Wardrobe crisis averted!
;-)
Back from Christmas vacation
And now I have returned from my Christmas vacation at home. Yesterday's trip was the first time I ever made the long drive from Allentown, Pennsylvania back up to Boston; usually my brother handles the driving, but he wasn't coming back yet and so couldn't come with me. I'm kind of proud of myself, given I've never driven anywhere that far and I kind of, you know, despise driving. :-) But Constantine and I have made it safely back. I probably drove a little faster than I should have, but the trip was five and a half hours as it was, to say nothing of what it might have been if I'd gone slower.
The trip was made immensely more pleasant by the Sherlock Holmes audiobook I listened to on the way. All stories I was already very familiar with, but I always enjoy them. My interest has been reawakened by the new movie that has just come out, and tonight I will be seeing the film with bronzite*. It will be lovely to spend time with him again. I am a longtime Sherlock Holmes fan, but I must take care to remind myself that one must not be too married to one's perception of the literature when seeing it transferred to film.
The trip was made immensely more pleasant by the Sherlock Holmes audiobook I listened to on the way. All stories I was already very familiar with, but I always enjoy them. My interest has been reawakened by the new movie that has just come out, and tonight I will be seeing the film with bronzite*. It will be lovely to spend time with him again. I am a longtime Sherlock Holmes fan, but I must take care to remind myself that one must not be too married to one's perception of the literature when seeing it transferred to film.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
If I were my mother
Something occurs to me.
Given ages, dates, and times... If I were my mother, I'd be getting married tomorrow.
Wow.
Given ages, dates, and times... If I were my mother, I'd be getting married tomorrow.
Wow.
Friday, December 25, 2009
Burn Notice - Episode Guide - 1.01 - Blacklisted
Donovan Easton is an American covert operative. Recently, though, it seems that all of his operations have been thwarted by a something he is unaware of at everyturn His enemies seem to know things about his plans that they should not be able to know. Unable to continue his work under these circumstances, he decides that he has to find out who or what is secretly working against him.
His search leads him to the opulent beachfront home of drug cartel boss Fernando Ramirez in Cuba, who he believes may have some information. But just as they are getting down to business, two black helicopters descend on the house and spill out a host of NSA agents demanding that the traitor Donovan Easton surrender to their custody. When he refuses, the soldiers attack. Ramirez thinks he has just been set up, and orders his own men after Donovan as well.
Donovan escapes the house and is chased by the agents, who to his shock and horror are shooting to kill. He fends off as many as he can as he makes his way toward the nearest airport. When he tries to contact his handlers, he is either disconnected or informed that he won’t get away with what he did. After finally shooting down one helicopter and disabling the other, he finally reaches the airport. Stealing the identity of a passenger, he boards the first plane he can get on, and passes out from his injuries when it reaches altitude.
Meanwhile, in Miami, retired Navy SEAL Bruce Garrick is having drinks with his friend Wilbur from the CIA, who asks him if he’s heard about the death of his old friend Donovan Easton. He says Donovan was found to be selling secrets and was declared a traitor. But the strangest thing is that there was no record of a trial for his crimes; he seemed to have been summarily executed, and no one has been able to trace who gave the order. Bruce leaves the meeting sadly, wondering what Donovan got himself into.
Soon, though, he is called to a hospital downtown as the emergency contact they have of a patient who was passed out injured on a flight to Cuba. Though he doesn’t recognize the name, he decides to go see what’s up. He is surprised to find Donovan unconscious in the hospital bed.
Bruce fills Donovan in on what he heard about his situation, while he tells Bruce what happened to him in Cuba. They conclude that Donovan has been framed, leading to his blacklist, his attempted execution, and the presumption of his death. Bruce lets him crash at his place for the moment, and in the meantime calls Donovan’s brother Lucas to let him know he’s back in town. Lucas is thrilled to hear it, and invites them all over to dinner later that week. Though Donovan intends to look into his blacklist immediately, Bruce knows he is without resources or any of his old connections, and offers him a job working with him at his new freelance business, a combination of private investigations and operations-for-hire. Donovan knows he needs the money, so he agrees to lend his services to the next job.
Shortly thereafter Donovan decides he needs to buy new weapons, and seeks out a local gun dealer with a meeting arranged by Uncle Enzo, a local Mafia don Bruce knows. The dealer, Bailey Monroe, brought along some protection for the meeting, and Donovan and Bruce find themselves on the wrong end of a gun belonging to their old friend Gwendolyn Reese, an ex-IRA guerilla and jack of all artistic trades. She is delighted to reunite with them, and apologizes for the damage she did.
Gwen and Bruce pile Donovan into the car and refuse to tell him where he is going. He is upset to discover that he has been brought to his brother Lucas’s house, the family golden boy. Bruce and Gwen drag him inside, and is forced to make nice to the family he has been avoiding for the last ten years. Lucas and his wife Diane try to make friendly conversation about his life, but he is resistant, though his eleven-year-old niece Olivia and eight-year-old nephew Chase really take to him and to his friends. Lucas resigns himself to being unable to make a connection with his brother, but asks him to stay with them at their house until he gets back on his feet. Finally, before the evening ends, he asks Donovan to please call their mother, whom he has not spoken to since the funeral of their father. Donovan takes the guest room, but sneaks out the window as soon as the lights go out.
The next day they are scheduled to meet with a client Bruce has arranged, a young man by the name of Ari Rosen.
To be continued in Episode 1.02 - Just For Now
His search leads him to the opulent beachfront home of drug cartel boss Fernando Ramirez in Cuba, who he believes may have some information. But just as they are getting down to business, two black helicopters descend on the house and spill out a host of NSA agents demanding that the traitor Donovan Easton surrender to their custody. When he refuses, the soldiers attack. Ramirez thinks he has just been set up, and orders his own men after Donovan as well.
Donovan escapes the house and is chased by the agents, who to his shock and horror are shooting to kill. He fends off as many as he can as he makes his way toward the nearest airport. When he tries to contact his handlers, he is either disconnected or informed that he won’t get away with what he did. After finally shooting down one helicopter and disabling the other, he finally reaches the airport. Stealing the identity of a passenger, he boards the first plane he can get on, and passes out from his injuries when it reaches altitude.
Meanwhile, in Miami, retired Navy SEAL Bruce Garrick is having drinks with his friend Wilbur from the CIA, who asks him if he’s heard about the death of his old friend Donovan Easton. He says Donovan was found to be selling secrets and was declared a traitor. But the strangest thing is that there was no record of a trial for his crimes; he seemed to have been summarily executed, and no one has been able to trace who gave the order. Bruce leaves the meeting sadly, wondering what Donovan got himself into.
Soon, though, he is called to a hospital downtown as the emergency contact they have of a patient who was passed out injured on a flight to Cuba. Though he doesn’t recognize the name, he decides to go see what’s up. He is surprised to find Donovan unconscious in the hospital bed.
Bruce fills Donovan in on what he heard about his situation, while he tells Bruce what happened to him in Cuba. They conclude that Donovan has been framed, leading to his blacklist, his attempted execution, and the presumption of his death. Bruce lets him crash at his place for the moment, and in the meantime calls Donovan’s brother Lucas to let him know he’s back in town. Lucas is thrilled to hear it, and invites them all over to dinner later that week. Though Donovan intends to look into his blacklist immediately, Bruce knows he is without resources or any of his old connections, and offers him a job working with him at his new freelance business, a combination of private investigations and operations-for-hire. Donovan knows he needs the money, so he agrees to lend his services to the next job.
Shortly thereafter Donovan decides he needs to buy new weapons, and seeks out a local gun dealer with a meeting arranged by Uncle Enzo, a local Mafia don Bruce knows. The dealer, Bailey Monroe, brought along some protection for the meeting, and Donovan and Bruce find themselves on the wrong end of a gun belonging to their old friend Gwendolyn Reese, an ex-IRA guerilla and jack of all artistic trades. She is delighted to reunite with them, and apologizes for the damage she did.
Gwen and Bruce pile Donovan into the car and refuse to tell him where he is going. He is upset to discover that he has been brought to his brother Lucas’s house, the family golden boy. Bruce and Gwen drag him inside, and is forced to make nice to the family he has been avoiding for the last ten years. Lucas and his wife Diane try to make friendly conversation about his life, but he is resistant, though his eleven-year-old niece Olivia and eight-year-old nephew Chase really take to him and to his friends. Lucas resigns himself to being unable to make a connection with his brother, but asks him to stay with them at their house until he gets back on his feet. Finally, before the evening ends, he asks Donovan to please call their mother, whom he has not spoken to since the funeral of their father. Donovan takes the guest room, but sneaks out the window as soon as the lights go out.
The next day they are scheduled to meet with a client Bruce has arranged, a young man by the name of Ari Rosen.
To be continued in Episode 1.02 - Just For Now
My merry Christmas
Well, after a rough start to the Christmas holiday-- recieved some bad news of a similar nature to that which I got around New Years time last year, which my family will have to deal with --things actually went pretty well. My mother decided we were going to do a traditional Italian seven-fish Christmas Eve, so we spent most of yesterday cooking. It makes for nice family time, everyone working together in the kitchen. We made fried haddock, fried smelts, crabcakes, shrimp, smoked salmon, my mom's famous lobster bisque, and a fantastic squid ink pasta with calamari, two of those recipes out of the brand new Legal Sea Food cookbook that Jared so thoughtfully bought for me. My Christmas morning was lovely, and it amazed me that my parents managed to find articles of stuff-- something I tend toward loathing these days --that I actually like, want, and will use. Notably, between my various gift-giving loved ones, I now have five fantastic new cookbooks and several other interesting articles of cookware, clothing, and a few other useful sundries. Plus all the requisite holiday cheer and love,
Happy holidays, my lovelies.
Happy holidays, my lovelies.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Same shit, new year
Well, 2010 has gotten the jump on 2009 by starting with the same bullshit, but even earlier this time. Thanks.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Year in LJ-review meme
With New Years on its way, I'm going to give that interesting year-end meme of reflecting on the first LJ entry of each month of the past year a try.
January: The last couple of days have been kind of difficult for me. I have been asked not to give details, but I recieved some bad news about someone very important to me, and I've been extremely upset.
2008 was a difficult year for my loved ones, with more significant trouble and sadness than any of my life. Most of the issues sadly have not been resolved even now; they are in part responsible for why my mood has been so fragile recently. But I, and the rest of us, are doing our best to handle them as bravely as we can. One positive note was this was the month of my second anniversary with Jared.
February: One of the greatest compliments I have ever been paid is to know that I have made men brave.
I was made to recognize this around this time. It remains true. It means more to me than I can say. Got into A Midsummer Night's Dream and was cast as Puck, and though that production was not without its difficulties, I was proud of us as a cast and glad I got the chance to do the part.
March: Friday night - All's Well That Ends - This really was an excellent game.
Heh, this was my Intercon report, and clearly I didn't waste any time getting right into things. This entry was the first of March but came fairly late in the month, due to how busy I was preparing for the con in the midst of schoolwork and other life responsibilities. This was an excellent Intercon, filled with fun and friends, and further cemented Intercon as a really precious event in my life. I spent most of this month working on larps as intensely as possible, since...
April: My Festival this year has been so enormous and I have so much so say about it that I'm going to do this report in installments.
...right next month comes Festival of the Larps. This was the single most significant larp event for my development as a contributing member of the larp community, what with running four games, three of them mine, two of them new. Finished Oz and Paranoia this month and they went very well. It was enormous, demanding, wonderful, and I feel I gained a lot from it. I also turned twenty-two this month.
May: Ah, it feels good to accomplish something. I just finished, printed, and handed in my ten-page final for the last class required for my double-major.
This was the month I graduated from Brandeis with a BA in English and Creative Writing. Here was my tentative entrance into the real world, with all the accompanying challenges, responsibilities, and fears.
June: Had a really great evening last night. Had a goth night out with Bernie and Marissa, and not only did I enjoy going out and playing pool, the company was incredibly nice.
Heh, went out to Dead Pool, and indulged my taste for random strangers telling me I'm drop-dead gorgeous. Bless their little hearts. Still, it was this month I was beginning to plunge into the intermittent depressed feeling that would follow me a lot this year. I also got into Macbeth, my first show at a real professional theater, and though it was just a small part I'm pleased that I could make it into a show where nobody already knew me.
July: Went to the Natcik Mall yesterday, mostly to have an interesting place to walk around. I'm not a big shopper, but I enjoy walking around places looking at things; it's really good exercise you don't really have to think about.
This was before I got my job, so I still had a lot of free time on my hands. I spent a lot of time walking because it helped me think. I was feeling kind of adrift around this time, frustrated with not feeling like I was doing anything with myself, and I didn't accomplish as much as I would have liked with all my free time. The sadness was starting to set in consistently and in earnest. Found myself avoiding the company of other a lot more. Still, some up points, including the excellent second run of Oz in honor of Jared's summer visit, and I started up my Burn Notice tabletop campaign.
August: From noon on till seven at night, I spent cooking for a dinner for in_water_writ and 1takejohnny since they're in town. I'm very pleased with myself.
This year I did a lot to develop my cooking skills, which has now become one of my most intense interests and favorite hobbies. Having my friends over for dinner has become a very important means of socialization for me, one I want to continue to grow with. Also, this was the month I got hired at Educational Development Center, an educational non-profit, my first real job out of college-- not ideal, but not terrible either. I also got invited to run Alice in Chicago, which went fantastically, and meant that I was starting to reach a wider audience and perform on a stage other than my home turf. Felt very proud of myself.
September: At long last I'm going to get to play in the Iron GM-winning game written by bronzite, londo, elenuial, and Eager Mike, (am I forgetting anyone? nyren?) A Midsummer Night and the Living is Easy.
I played Cadence the Banshee in this game and really enjoyed it. But this was a very tough month for me; some of the life-stressors became particularly pressing around this time, and I felt lower for September than I felt in a long time. It wasn't made any easier by the sudden surge of people insisting on involving themselves in my situation. As before, still many of these things are not totally dealt with, but I have since found ways to help cope with the bad stuff I have to live with. One of the few up moments was getting the honor of being asked to help write the Labor Wars with Nat, Susan, and Vito.
October: Perhaps some of you have heard me go off on one of my impassioned rants against that thing that has come to irritate me more and more lately-- stuff. You know, things, items, objects, physical bric-a-brac that seems to be increasingly cluttering up my life.
My increasing dislike of stuff as I age reaches critical mass. I have determined that I sincerely desire to minimize the amount of stuff in my life. This was the month that culminated with Romeo and Juliet, and while I was glad to have another show under my belt with the accompanying development there, the production was not overall a positive experience, and I think some permament damage may have resulted from it. Still, this is the month where I began to cope better with my struggles and became less easily inclined to sadness.
November: Halloween yesterday was wonderful, surrounded by friends in excellent costumes. Best evening I've had in a long time.
The day after the fantastic Halloween party I had, notably for its Team Fortress 2 costumes and for being the first large social gathering I genuinely enjoyed in some time. Attended a major larp event, SFS Live Action Weekend at WPI, where I successfully ran two of my games and had fun playing in two more. Also began plans to put on To Think of Nothing, including assembling a stellar cast who is very enthusiastic to begin. Feeling more back to normal than I have in a long time.
December: Recently it was pointed out to me that the sign that I have utterly dismissed someone as having completely lost my respect (whether just for the moment or more lastingly) is when I call them a child.
This exemplifies the my increasing tendency toward grouchiness. This has been the unfortunate trend for the year; I have had less patience and less mood stability than probably I've ever had in my life. But despite this I am doing better than I have in some months, if not exactly as even-keeled as I used to be, at least closer than I've been in a long time.
So, the verdict on the year. It's not been the easiest year for me. In addiction to a lot of ongoing personal problems, stepping of the comfortable environment of college and entering the real world has made things tough for me to maintain the emotional stability I used to have. I never thought of myself as moody before, but I have to admit that is what I seem to have become. But I'm doing my best to meet my challenges as bravely and responsibily as I can. I certainly accomplished a number of notable things. I was in three plays. I wrote two new larps and put on a total of six runs of various games. I've vastly improved my cooking skills. I got a job, have been holding it down, and have been able to support myself independently for the first time ever. I'm looking ahead now, applying to graduate schools, working on a new larp, and putting together a new play. I spent one more year with my love Jared.
I must count my blessings, and be aware that life isn't supposed to be easy. We were born to suffer and we live to fight for joy. This year has brought me both, because a full life should have both. So, as tough as 2009 has been, I am grateful for the experiences it has given me. Not sure what next year will bring, but I am musing now on what I'd like from it, and what I'd like from myself.
January: The last couple of days have been kind of difficult for me. I have been asked not to give details, but I recieved some bad news about someone very important to me, and I've been extremely upset.
2008 was a difficult year for my loved ones, with more significant trouble and sadness than any of my life. Most of the issues sadly have not been resolved even now; they are in part responsible for why my mood has been so fragile recently. But I, and the rest of us, are doing our best to handle them as bravely as we can. One positive note was this was the month of my second anniversary with Jared.
February: One of the greatest compliments I have ever been paid is to know that I have made men brave.
I was made to recognize this around this time. It remains true. It means more to me than I can say. Got into A Midsummer Night's Dream and was cast as Puck, and though that production was not without its difficulties, I was proud of us as a cast and glad I got the chance to do the part.
March: Friday night - All's Well That Ends - This really was an excellent game.
Heh, this was my Intercon report, and clearly I didn't waste any time getting right into things. This entry was the first of March but came fairly late in the month, due to how busy I was preparing for the con in the midst of schoolwork and other life responsibilities. This was an excellent Intercon, filled with fun and friends, and further cemented Intercon as a really precious event in my life. I spent most of this month working on larps as intensely as possible, since...
April: My Festival this year has been so enormous and I have so much so say about it that I'm going to do this report in installments.
...right next month comes Festival of the Larps. This was the single most significant larp event for my development as a contributing member of the larp community, what with running four games, three of them mine, two of them new. Finished Oz and Paranoia this month and they went very well. It was enormous, demanding, wonderful, and I feel I gained a lot from it. I also turned twenty-two this month.
May: Ah, it feels good to accomplish something. I just finished, printed, and handed in my ten-page final for the last class required for my double-major.
This was the month I graduated from Brandeis with a BA in English and Creative Writing. Here was my tentative entrance into the real world, with all the accompanying challenges, responsibilities, and fears.
June: Had a really great evening last night. Had a goth night out with Bernie and Marissa, and not only did I enjoy going out and playing pool, the company was incredibly nice.
Heh, went out to Dead Pool, and indulged my taste for random strangers telling me I'm drop-dead gorgeous. Bless their little hearts. Still, it was this month I was beginning to plunge into the intermittent depressed feeling that would follow me a lot this year. I also got into Macbeth, my first show at a real professional theater, and though it was just a small part I'm pleased that I could make it into a show where nobody already knew me.
July: Went to the Natcik Mall yesterday, mostly to have an interesting place to walk around. I'm not a big shopper, but I enjoy walking around places looking at things; it's really good exercise you don't really have to think about.
This was before I got my job, so I still had a lot of free time on my hands. I spent a lot of time walking because it helped me think. I was feeling kind of adrift around this time, frustrated with not feeling like I was doing anything with myself, and I didn't accomplish as much as I would have liked with all my free time. The sadness was starting to set in consistently and in earnest. Found myself avoiding the company of other a lot more. Still, some up points, including the excellent second run of Oz in honor of Jared's summer visit, and I started up my Burn Notice tabletop campaign.
August: From noon on till seven at night, I spent cooking for a dinner for in_water_writ and 1takejohnny since they're in town. I'm very pleased with myself.
This year I did a lot to develop my cooking skills, which has now become one of my most intense interests and favorite hobbies. Having my friends over for dinner has become a very important means of socialization for me, one I want to continue to grow with. Also, this was the month I got hired at Educational Development Center, an educational non-profit, my first real job out of college-- not ideal, but not terrible either. I also got invited to run Alice in Chicago, which went fantastically, and meant that I was starting to reach a wider audience and perform on a stage other than my home turf. Felt very proud of myself.
September: At long last I'm going to get to play in the Iron GM-winning game written by bronzite, londo, elenuial, and Eager Mike, (am I forgetting anyone? nyren?) A Midsummer Night and the Living is Easy.
I played Cadence the Banshee in this game and really enjoyed it. But this was a very tough month for me; some of the life-stressors became particularly pressing around this time, and I felt lower for September than I felt in a long time. It wasn't made any easier by the sudden surge of people insisting on involving themselves in my situation. As before, still many of these things are not totally dealt with, but I have since found ways to help cope with the bad stuff I have to live with. One of the few up moments was getting the honor of being asked to help write the Labor Wars with Nat, Susan, and Vito.
October: Perhaps some of you have heard me go off on one of my impassioned rants against that thing that has come to irritate me more and more lately-- stuff. You know, things, items, objects, physical bric-a-brac that seems to be increasingly cluttering up my life.
My increasing dislike of stuff as I age reaches critical mass. I have determined that I sincerely desire to minimize the amount of stuff in my life. This was the month that culminated with Romeo and Juliet, and while I was glad to have another show under my belt with the accompanying development there, the production was not overall a positive experience, and I think some permament damage may have resulted from it. Still, this is the month where I began to cope better with my struggles and became less easily inclined to sadness.
November: Halloween yesterday was wonderful, surrounded by friends in excellent costumes. Best evening I've had in a long time.
The day after the fantastic Halloween party I had, notably for its Team Fortress 2 costumes and for being the first large social gathering I genuinely enjoyed in some time. Attended a major larp event, SFS Live Action Weekend at WPI, where I successfully ran two of my games and had fun playing in two more. Also began plans to put on To Think of Nothing, including assembling a stellar cast who is very enthusiastic to begin. Feeling more back to normal than I have in a long time.
December: Recently it was pointed out to me that the sign that I have utterly dismissed someone as having completely lost my respect (whether just for the moment or more lastingly) is when I call them a child.
This exemplifies the my increasing tendency toward grouchiness. This has been the unfortunate trend for the year; I have had less patience and less mood stability than probably I've ever had in my life. But despite this I am doing better than I have in some months, if not exactly as even-keeled as I used to be, at least closer than I've been in a long time.
So, the verdict on the year. It's not been the easiest year for me. In addiction to a lot of ongoing personal problems, stepping of the comfortable environment of college and entering the real world has made things tough for me to maintain the emotional stability I used to have. I never thought of myself as moody before, but I have to admit that is what I seem to have become. But I'm doing my best to meet my challenges as bravely and responsibily as I can. I certainly accomplished a number of notable things. I was in three plays. I wrote two new larps and put on a total of six runs of various games. I've vastly improved my cooking skills. I got a job, have been holding it down, and have been able to support myself independently for the first time ever. I'm looking ahead now, applying to graduate schools, working on a new larp, and putting together a new play. I spent one more year with my love Jared.
I must count my blessings, and be aware that life isn't supposed to be easy. We were born to suffer and we live to fight for joy. This year has brought me both, because a full life should have both. So, as tough as 2009 has been, I am grateful for the experiences it has given me. Not sure what next year will bring, but I am musing now on what I'd like from it, and what I'd like from myself.
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