The much-missed crearespero* has graced us all with a visit this week, stopping by on her way to grad school in England. She will be staying with us at Elsinore for the next seven days. Despite the massive clamor for her company from the moment of her arrival, I was lucky enough to get to bring her to my rehearsal and then take her out to dinner afterward. I had a lovely time getting to hang out with her again, and I look forward to having this week with her around before she departs the country.
We had some really nice conversation last night. She mentioned that she will be having a flat all too herself, and after I got finished dying of jealousy, we talked a little bit about the various issues one encounters in living with other people. My living situation has been quite good lately, and let it be known how awesome I think my current roommates are. But still, in my ideal world, I think I would still choose living alone over living with roommates. Now that I live entirely with amicable people there are actually pleasant things about having others around at home, but a lot of things about my nature inclines me to desire a space which I am in complete control of where I can be totally alone.
My frequent but not constant tendency to withdraw into my own thoughts makes it so I require a lot of alone time, and I am always most comfortable in the space I call my own. I don't want to make people feel like they're ignored, uninteresting, or unwanted, but if they encounter me when I'm in introvert mode, I'm probably going to treat them like they are. It's not my intention, but that's kind of the message that "No desire to talk to or interact with you now," sends. And I really dislike being put in the position of not getting to have my introvert time just because I'm afraid of coming off as rude or of hurting feelings. Living alone means that there is always a way to be in my own space, where I am most comfortable and at ease, where there's no one else around.
Theoretically this can be dealt with by living with understanding people who get that just because you don't want to visit or hang right now doesn't mean you hate them. And in large part, at least in my current situation, it is. But even the whole "being alone together" thing is difficult for me, because I am always so acutely concerned with what the other person may observe.
See, most of the time I love having, and actively work to cultivate, a state of affairs where all eyes are frequently on me. Therein lies one of the chief reasons I keep a public, frequently updated Livejournal as opposed to a private diary, because I thrive on people's attention and interest. I'm sure even the little bug living under big rocks have noticed this. But I have a very definite idea of how I want to present myself in public, and at times that can take a lot of effort to maintain my preferred presentation. It's a bit complicated to describe exactly, but it's basically my way of appearing to and interacting with others to all the ends I find most valuable. We all have this to some degree or other, I believe, but I would think I'm a little more uncomfortable than most when mine is not what I would like it to be. I want, for example, to always be polite to people. That's something important to me. It can be tough to be polite, however, if you're tired, upset, or otherwise not feeling yourself. I have a rule that when I don't feel able to act like a person, I am not fit for the company of other people, and should therefore retreat to somewhere where I will not encounter them. There's a certain way you should act in front of company, and when you live with people, you always have some kind of company.
And of course there's some measure of vanity to it, as there is with everything in me. Though I am worlds better than about it than I was when I was in high school, I still dislike being seen when I'm sweating, bleeding, bloated, sick, or otherwise not appearing to my best. To this day, whenever I get a new zit, the first thought that crosses my mind is "Well, maybe I won't run into anyone I know today." And at any rate, I simply don't like having an audience for some of things I want to do that I worry may be perceived as weird or annoying. Having my own space means I have a place to hide when I'm not feeling up to being polite, engaging, interesting, and perfectly groomed. Again, I like to keep everything in order for when I have company.
I've had conversations with people about what it's like to feel invisible, which is something I've never really experienced and feel incredibly sorry for anyone for whom that's a common occurence. But even though I would never trade places with them, sometimes I wish invisibility was something I could turn on and off selectively. Because sometimes I don't have it in me to behave in the manner that I feel is appropriate for company. Sometimes I want to cram my hair into a squashy bun and sit around wrapped in a blanket and schlubby pajama pants. Sometimes I want to eat cake frosting with a spoon. Sometimes I want to watch endless hours of television I've seen a million times before. I have evolved enough to be comfortable talking about the fact that sometimes I do these things. But I still really don't like people being witness to when I do them.
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