Sometimes I think God made me get so interested in cooking so that I would get through my fear of food. It helps me not think of food in terms of good for me or bad for me, but as art, as fun, as love.
I do tend to divide things into "acceptable" and "unacceptable" foods. It's different for every body, but my body's behavior is very much a function of calories in versus calories burned, so it's tough for me to just relax about it when I know for a fact that fewer calories will mean a leaner Phoebe. Frankly, I would probably be in my best shape and feeling healthiest if I stuck only to unprocessed fruits and vegetables, lean protein, and maybe a whole grain once or twice a week. Trouble is, the more I insisted on that, the more of my mental real estate monitoring it would take up, and the more people around me would think I was nuts.
It's gotten tougher recently to stay as thin as I want. While I am still pretty small, I miss the spare, whippet-hard midsection I used to have. I don't know if it's because increased time spent busy and increased life stress has made me eat more of the stuff I usually avoid (the big one being starch) or if it's because I've had less time to exercise. Still I dream of the washboard abs I have never actually managed to attain. Have started working out again, so let's hope I can built my old good habits back up again.
But you see, when I'm cooking, I am less hung up. I just focus on making the dish well, to the proper taste, so that it will be enjoyed. I do tend to not cook fattening things often, but it actually helps me achieve a good balance-- most of my food is healthier for having been cooked at home, while allowing some decadent treats in every once in a while.
I'm not that bad, despite what some people think. I love eating, and my urge to eat when I'm hungry is SO STRONG that even I my worst I never just don't eat. Even at my most disgusted with myself, I have never felt any real hatred toward my body. I also don't have the guilt impulses that lead to the binging and purging urge. When I do get upset with myself for eating unhealthfully, I never get too hung up on it and the feelings pass quickly. It's definitely more a fear of eating fattening stuff rather than guilt about when I do it, which I think helps keep me from unhealthy behaviors.
Annoyingly, at my new job I've already gotten the reputation as the Girl That Doesn't Eat Anything. Mostly because I keep turning down the snacks they keep around-- despite the enormous temptation of the sourdough pretzel barrel --and I never want in on any of the lunch orders, which are invariably either junk like pizza or else outside my budget. I learned a long time ago to never explain why I don't want these things-- I don't talk about money with acquaintances, and saying "Because it makes you fat," makes you sound crazy to most people before long --but they tease me about it anyway. It doesn't matter much to me, but it makes me roll my eyes.
I guess it's just abotu what makes you feel better. I personally feel better passing on slice after slice of pizza and being as thin as I want than I would eating whatever I felt like and not being as happy with my body. So that guides a lot of the choices I make. Still, I wish I could do it without it taking up as much of my mental energy as it often does.
0 comments:
Post a Comment