On to positive things

Now it is time to focus on some good things, so as to not to go back into Victorian suicide mode.

I got my hair cut the other day, FINALLY. It was sorely in need and I was starting to hate it. Heh, today for my Examiner article I wrote about how much it helps your everyday look to keep your haircut maintained. I am a bad, hypocritical style writer. Still, the point stands, and my head is proof-- I look and feel much better when I do. I am keeping the look I got last time, the longer layers with the sideswept bangs. Now that the bangs are shorter again they're back in my eyes all the time, which is a little annoying, but I'm getting used to them again and I really like how they look.



Bernie got me a Teavana Perfect Tea Maker for a belated Christmas gift, and MY GOD, does it make a better cup of tea than my tea ball. It is mug shaped, which allows the leaves to float around and steep properly, and then you put it on top of your mug and the tea strains out through the bottom. Works like a charm, and it comes out delicious. I think I will be keeping it at work to make individual mugs, as I prefer to use my lovely bone china teapot, a thoughtful gift from Jared, when I'm at home.

I got my first casting for Intercon, in this case for Clockwork Cafe. I am asked not to say who I am playing, but from the character outline I think she will be interesting. Even better, I'm pretty certain I already have my costume figured out, with no need for any new purchase. I have decided I will be casting the Intercon run of The Stand this coming Monday the 31st. Annoyingly, I'm still missing three casting questionnaires, all from people I don't know. I have been poking them pretty agressively to get them in before Monday, because I really hate casting people with no knowledge whatsoever. I will then send out character and costume hints, which should allow people sufficient advance notice to prepare.

I am ridiculously pleased with my Sudini Minna leather rain boots this season. I bought them two years ago seeking stylish tall leather boots that could be worn in all weather. These have served that purpose beautifully, looking great and keeping me dry and warm. I've been wearing them almost constantly since the weather got bad. Though they are not cheap, they are incredibly high quality, so I highly recommend them. I think at the end of the season I will take them to a cobbler to have them refurbished, because I think with proper care these could last me for a long time.

More bad news

Having a hard time shaking the malaise that's been over me for the last week. I was sure I would have perked up by Friday, when I went to a party I had been very much looking forward to, but even then I found myself feeling low and, even worse, shockingly unable to connect to anyone around me. I think I may finally be normalizing, but still, I feel really disconnected from everyone.

That next bit of bad news I was anticipating happened. I am sad to say that Merely Players won't be able to happen this semester. We were unable to get performance space at a workable time, so it looks like the project is going to have to be shelved. I'm pretty down about that, I've been trying to keep my life full and productively lately because it makes me feel better, so that's one less positive thing I will have to do. HTP has been thinking of doing it next semester instead, which I am trying to see it as something for the best. The club's schedule will be much freer then. It's not like I don't have a ton of other stuff to do in the next few months-- writing two larps, preparing for two larp cons, being in a dance production, helping if they need it with Othello, and trying to do normal person things like see friends, eat occasionally, and shower regularly. And next semester there will be a lot of people who are abroad now who will be back then, like Steph, April, and Gigi, who would then have a chance to audition. And I'll have more than enough time to polish up the piece to get it exactly where I want it to be.

I don't know. I am trying to move forward, but it's tough. I have too much to get done to lose time to being a mope.

Ragequit



If my life was a video game, I would have ragequit this week. The difficulty curve is too steep for my level. I'm not having fun anymore. Unfortunately for me, it would be in very bad taste to ragequit being a person for the sake of all the people whose unenviable task it is to deal with me, so I am trying to be normal and find some way to deal. In the meantime, forgive me my grumbling and growling.

So, other stuff. Jared got back last night, which was nice. I made veal marsala in honor of it (a favorite of mine, very special for me to actually buy veal) and we spent some time hanging with my roommates and with each other. The rest of the week is filled with nice stuff for us to do together, which I hope will lift my spirits a bit.

I have put myself on a strict diet. Lots of vegetables, lean protein, whole grain only. No fatty stuff, nothing fried, no refined sugar, no potatoes, no pasta, no white flour. I have kept it up for a week now and though I miss tasty bad things, it's not that tough to abstain and physically my body feels better, noticeably more energetic. Bernie recently introduced me to edamame, which I enjoy a lot more than I thought I would, and satisfies my search for a non-animal protein that I actually like eating. Let's see if I can just get some exercise in there besides the occasion bout of shoveling snow.

There has been a lot of bad news bearing down on me recently. Signs are indicating that something else is going to not work out like I planned very shortly. I'm out of cope at the moment, but unfortunately things don't seem to want to go easy on me for it. Let's see how I do.

Asymmetric acessorizing

Normally my opinions on how to dress stylishly are very classic. I would describe my personal style tastes as a blend of classic chic and modern sexy, as in shoots for timelessness with a little more skin than is traditional. I tend to not like anything all that trendy or edgy. But one avant-garde idea I'm interested in and would like to try a little bit more is asymmetric accessorizing. At least in theory, I like the idea of, when considering accessories that tend to be in matched sets, choosing two unmatched that are different from each other in some complimentary way.

Shoes in two different colors. Might be a little tricky to mismatch workably; they would have to be the same height and angle to make walking comfortable. I think I would like this best if the shoes were identical in every way except color, but I could see if you chose carefully enough coordinately differently styled shoes if they complimented each other. Shoes can be great accents, especially in a neutral outfit, so I like the idea of giving them even more pop.

One style of earring in one ear and a different style on the other. Maybe one stud and one dangling made of the same materials. Maybe the same style but in different colors of stone or metal. With the hair worn up to draw attention to the pointed asymmetry.

Eyeshadow that is done one way on the left eye and another way on the right. I don't wear makeup or know much about it, so I'm not sure how you could accomplish this in a way that didn't look exaggerated or even clownish-- might never work for an elegant or everyday look --but I think it could be interesting and remarkable.

I think you'd have to do any of these things carefully and thoughtfully to keep them from looking silly. But I think it could be done in such a way as to look edgy without being too out there.

Quietly rich

I think it would be cool if one day by some miracle I could be one of those quietly rich people. The sort that you never would guess is rich, because they don't obviously look or seem it. Always dressed nicely but not ostentatiously, never throws cash around, doesn't have any unusual lifestyle habits like a driver or things like that. And yet, still able to accomplish whatever they would like or need at the drop of a hat with no trouble at all. Picking up dinner, paying for parking, being comfortably able to lay out to make things run more smoothly and more pleasantly. With my upbringing, no matter how rich I ever am, I will never be the sort to spend frivolously or ostentatiously-- I see it as the ultimate in bad taste, and irresponsible to boot --but I like the notion that no matter the context, "doing things right," from trips into the city to see special plays to sending my kids to the college of their choice, will never be beyond me. I like the power and the choices that confers. Of course, who doesn't? It has been the root of so many of man's pursuits for well and for ill. I am no great lover of material things, but the security of having the means to handle things, as well as the freedom to do what I want, is as appealing to me as it is to anyone else.

Four years

Jared and I have been together for four years today. Four years with my wonderful, loving, brilliant, brave, sweet, fun, fascinating, maddening, complicated, beloved best friend in the world.

I don't believe we've ever actually been in physically the same location on our anniversary before-- hell, we even got together over the phone. But we always just celebrate when we get back. Still, the day itself is worth a mention.

Happy anniversary, love.

Dark thoughts

Thoughts have been very dark lately. Not healthy, trying to shake it off. I have entirely too much work to lose focus to that. Spent an hour last night on the bathroom floor with those dark thoughts. Not for the first time, it occurs to me that I am a prideful thing. Makes me do some pretty awful things, just for the sake of my self-conceit. And yet at the same time, when I find myself wanting to do the wrong thing, often my pride reminds me how ashamed I would be if I did the wrong thing, bringing me back to the right path after all. I am blackly amused by the fact that the very thing that's killing my soul is also keeping it alive.

No matter. Must write. Much write until my brain liquifies itself and seeps out my ears. Merely Players is due in one week. I want to have it done in time for people to read before auditions. It's no small challenge to keep it witty and smooth. It's coming fairly well, I guess, but I'm starting to get stalled, which I can't afford. It is my first priority until it's done, after which I can focus entirely on The Stand and Resonance.

Grateful

It is incredibly hard for me to ask for help, from anyone, with anything. I feel like if I have a problem, especially if it's my own fault I have that problem, it's my responsibility to fix it. I hate to be irresponsible, or weak, or incapable, and I hate to impose on or take anything from anyone else. I get ashamed when there are witnesses to my screwup, or worse, my inability to handle it myself. And even when seeking help is otherwise reasonable or acceptable in all other ways, there's always part of me that can't help but think, "Why would anyone want to help me?"

Bernie, Matt, and Jonathan dug my car out for me. It was an incredibly kind and loving thing to do, and it means more to me than I can say that they were willing to do it. I am inexpressibly grateful.

Thank you.

I HATE SNOW AND HATE YOU FOR LIKING SNOW

Furious. Have been shoveling snow all goddamn morning, and I am sick of it, and because I was an idiot that parked in the parkling lot behind Shakespeare Street, there is so much snow I have no hope of moving my car. I had assumed that the lot would get plowed and save me some work, but nope, it's surrounded by a foot and a half of snow that I can't drive through. Mercifully didn't have work today, but I don't know how the hell I'm going to get to work tomorrow. Also I want to murder my parents, who are pissed at me for getting the car stuck in the first place, and have not made a single helpful suggestion this entire process. Fucking sorry I called them at all.

I hate snow. And I hate all of you who like snow. Clearly you don't have a goddamn car to dig out or icy roads to slide on. You all can fucking deal with all this bullshit if you like snow so much.

I meant to spend today writing, but I am too upset right now.

The aftermath of signups...

So I'm sure most of you experienced the madness that was signing up for Festival last night. The site experienced technical difficulties that infuriatingly prevented people from registering for games until they were dealt with. Fortunately natbudin* heroically stepped in and straightened things out, allowing things to proceed at 7:30 instead of 7. I am really sorry for the trouble, and I hope it didn't screw up anyone's plans too badly. I received no fewer than five phonecalls at once at one point, which I apologize I didn't answer, but I was already on the phone with Nat trying to understand what was going on and what I could do to help. And, you know. There were lots of you at once.

I was kind of upset about it happening at the time. I've been working really hard to get things going well for the con, and that felt kind of like a disaster. But you know, if I wanted to be responsible for this thing, that means I need to be ready to deal with the problems that arise as well. And I think things ended up okay, though much more thanks to Nat than to me. I hope nobody was too mad. I am feeling better about it now, but at the time I felt pretty horrible that things screwed up on my watch.

As usual, things filled FAST. Most games already have a complete roster, and in fact there are already some timeslots that are totally full. Still, there are many great games that still need players, so I encourage you to jump into those if you haven't already. I plan on watching how the schedule goes from here on to see if anything needs help, or if any adjustments should be made. For on, I just want to admire the mostly-full con and send out my casting questionnaires. Both Resonance and The Stand are good to go, so I'd better take advantage of all the advance notice we GMs have got.