Something occurred to me just now. As I once mused here, I have an inclination to nothingness. When I am not at my best, nothing is more wearying to me than being unable to escape other presences in my life, whether those presences be people, expectations, obligations, anything at all that I was required to engage with. Often rather than seeking comfort in good things, I seek the comfort of nothingness. No people to talk to, pleasant or unpleasant. No work that has to be completed, validating or burdensome. No events to attend, fun or tedious. No effort to put out, no expectations to meet, no outside anything of any kind. Even when I'm feeling good, the fear of unpleasant outside forces often drive me to avoid everything entirely.
This is a real failing in me. This is the seed of what can grow into apathy, passivity, nihilism. People like that live at all moments one step closer to suicide. And yet... one consistent comment that I have received from many different quarters is remarking on how much I am engaged in. When I think about it, I see that I am a busy, proactive person who never is without an undertaking of some kind. I write, run, and play games. I throw events like dinners and parties. I put on and participate in plays. I do things all the time. I am somebody who frequently brings about things that would not happen, or would not happen as well, had I not undertaken the effort to make them so.
Maybe it was because I was brought up with the notion that interesting people do things. The sign of a decent human being is one who cares about and is engaged in something, no matter what it is. Maybe that concept helps me overcome this failing in me. But the point is, though, that I am overcoming it. I am doing the better thing despite my negative natural inclinations.
Good for me. :-)
0 comments:
Post a Comment