Titus tonight, Intercon tomorrow

Woke up yesterday with a sore throat. There seems to be a number of illnesses running around right now, so I could have gotten something worse, but I am not thrilled to have anything making speaking uncomfortable with Intercon tomorrow. I am medicating with tea, and if it's still painful tomorrow, I am going to buy a bottle of Chloraseptic to spray down my throat. The stuff isn't good for the voice but it's worth it to enjoy the biggest weekend of my year.

I am almost entirely packed, just a few things that I'm still using remain. The only major chore left is to cook the dishes I'm going to pack to take with us so we won't have to depend on restaurants. I haven't decided whether I should do it today or tomorrow afternoon before we leave, I guess it depends on how much else I get done. Tonight the priority is get dinner made in time for Jared and I to eat before we go over to see the opening night of Titus.

I've been to a couple dress rehearsals, and it is a very funny show. Last night was the Naked Tech, or the final cue-to-cue where the cast runs through their marks in their underwear trying to make as much fun of the show and blow off as much steam as possible. I'm really happy that this tradition has endured and has made so many participants happy. It's part of what makes HTP so much fun to be a part of and cements people's affection for and desire to participate in the club. Last night's Naked Tech was really hilarious, and a good time was had by all, old timer and newcomer alike. It's actually getting to the point where the club is made up of more than just a small core of devoted actors and coming to be considered as an audition option for a larger-growing pool of Brandeis actors. It's taken years to get to that point, but I think it's finally happening, and it makes me really glad. There used to be so much bad blood between the groups for no good reason at all, and it means a lot to see how much progress has been made.

Teddy Roosevelt riding a moose

This is Teddy Roosevelt riding a moose across a river.



Obviously he is the biggest BAMF that ever lived.

When lust shuts down your brain

Pondering some things lately that I want to explore here. I've been having thoughts on standards of beauty and dynamics of attraction again, spurred by certain things I've been finding lately in myself.

When women are objectified, they tend to be objectified as sex objects-- that their value lies in their sexiness. When men are objectified, they tend to be objectified as success objects-- that their value lies in their monetary and career success. I get that men get stuck with that lot because society expects them to be providers, but what I wonder is why they get away with being sexually objectified so much less frequently. Women have sex drives and eyes just like men do-- why don't they provide enough demand for pretty men to show up in the media?

I hate to say it, but it seems like in most cases they don't. One thing that's always troubled me in my pondering gender equality is the fact that in my personal experience I have found women to be significantly less invested in the physical beauty of men than vice versa. I know that of the men I have been most attracted to, it wasn't necessarily because of the way they looked, and how far, far more often I have seen couples where the girl was significantly more attractive than the guy than the other way around.

This bugs me because it supports those unequal expectations of beauty that I wrote about once before. It seems to verify the idea that women need to be more beautiful in order to be attractive to men, while men can be less beautiful and still be attractive to women. Which leads to women having to work harder on their appearance, to stay fit, to work on their hair, to dress better, to "put on their faces," while men can get away with putting on weight, or presenting themselves with less polish. That's really unfair, and it encourages women to think that desiring male beauty is basically pointless-- or worse, that there's something weird or unnatural about desiring it.

But still-- it does happen. Maybe less often, maybe less universally, but it does happen. On the rare occasions I DO find myself really, really struck by a man's physical beauty... the feminist in me is kind of happy. Yeah, I know nobody should sexually objectify anyone, it's definitely not feminist to do so, but I must confess I feel weirdly pleased when I find myself drawn to do it. It supports the idea that women and men AREN'T all that different after all, that it probably happens to all of us in differing amounts, and maybe women are just socialized not to do it as often as men are allowed to.

Right now I really really like Chris Evans Captain America. Like, whoa, a lot. Like I'm wasting entirely too much time browsing for NSFW photo edits on DeviantArt I like him so much. I like pretty people, sure, but frankly, any feeling of attraction based solely on appearance occurs rarely for me. Hell, there aren't that many people I feel attracted to at all! What's funny is that with me, there must be a perfect storm of little details about a man's appearance for that to even happen. I couldn't care less about Chris Evans when he looks like this...

But when he looks like this, it knocks the breath out of me. :-)

It's not that I can point to anything in particular, like, oh, I like him clean shaven or whatever, because that's not it. It's just there's a particular confluence here that works for me in a big way, helped along by the "I am a super good guy but also a little awkward" built into the character he's playing. Actually, that's one of the reasons why I don't think it's fair to us straight ladies that guys get to toss off how they present themselves, because sometimes sometimes little details as small as how somebody dresses or parts their hair (see above, heh) that can make the sexy difference.

What's also funny-- or creepy --is how much it makes me lose my mind. I can actually feel it pushing out higher thought. I have heard of this phenomenon, men are accused of giving in to it all the time, but it's a relatively infrequent experience for me. As I said, I'm attracted to very few people in general, much less to the point where I find myself objectifying them. So it's kind of freaking me out how strongly looking at Chris Evans Captain America threatens to push me into thinking like an absolute pig-- to let the feeling in my guts and elsewhere completely overtake the working of my brain. I am at the point where I can't even watch the ads for the Avengers without being all, "Fuck this noise, just take off your shirt and stand there." That, my friends, is pretty much textbook sexual objectification. Who even am I, that that's something that I do? Jared has actually been kind of weirded out by this, saying things like, "What if I did this about Scarlett Johansson? Wouldn't you think I was being tacky?" Hmmm, maybe I would. More likely what I'd think is, what's the big deal? Why so strong a reaction? And yet here I am, having my sensibilities and my good taste swept away by something that in normal circumstances wouldn't be that big a deal for me.

And yet... and yet. Lousy as it is, I am glad that it can happen. I'm glad for the proof that this is something I can experience. There's this one ad for Marc Jacobs cologne that looks like... well, I guess I'll just post it, despite what its presence may do to my blog traffic.

I mean, look at that. Wow, that's... unsubtle. I have a very complex reaction to it.

It's sexualized so blatantly. The man is ripped, naked, and oiled up with just some fake cologne bottle hiding his junk. On one hand, it's tacky. I tend to dislike such unsophisticated, nuance-free depictions of sexiness, and find them more gross than appealing. But being of an idealized standard of beauty and put on display to appeal to sexual interest, this sort of depiction is a rare example of a man being sexualized in a way that is usually reserved for objectifying portrayals of women.  I am very very pleased to see something equalizing in that manner, as well as something that tries to appeal to the female gaze for a change. (Presumably. I have a vague memory of reading that cologne is mostly bought by women as gifts for men.)

Also, I have to say... I find it kind of hot. I really shouldn't, see above about how such depictions are usually gross instead of sexy to me, but for some reason I do. I'm embarrassed to be taken in by such a display. I wonder if this is what it's like when men don't really find exaggerated porn actresses with fake breasts and stylized faces attractive, but are turned on enough by them anyway. But at the same time, for reasons of equalization there's a part of me that is pleased that I am. The argument that men aren't sexualized because women don't like them to be falls flat.

I'm curious-- how often does that happen to other people? When you gauge someone's raw attractiveness largely divorced from their actual self, how often does anyone experience that feeling of lust that you feel it pushing out your higher thought (whether you allow it to or not)? Does it happen to men as often as we seem to think it does? And does it happen to women as infrequently as we think it does? As with the stereotype, I will admit that it happen to me very rarely. But sometimes, one rare occasion, it definitely does happen.

Intercon is nigh

Intercon is just a few days away. I am excited, but also a little regretful. Titus is also premiering this weekend, and I won't be there for a lot of it. At least I'll get to see the Thursday and Sunday shows.

I am a little unsure of what to expect from my games this weekend. I'm afraid that of the two that I'm playing, one character sheet seems pretty bereft of plot and things that translate into in-game action, and the other one is of awkward and amateurish construction. The second I'm not so worried about, I've been in plenty of games that were poorly written that still played fantastically-- funny thing about larp --but I confess to being a wee bit disappointed. Still, with my positive outlook for Lent, I am determined to make my own good time one way or another. I am currently brainstorming my own plots and directions for the first character to be implemented if I find myself without a lot to do, and for the second I plan to just go with whatever happens. I at least like the IDEAS behind my two castings, so I can run with that alone if I have to and make up the rest as I go. And there will be Resonance to run, a game that I am proud of that I enjoy putting on. It's going to be a good con, I'm sure.

I have to get packing this week. I've already drawn up my list so as not to forget anything, as is my habit when going away for a weekend. :-P I also need to figure out what food I want to take. I was pretty successful with my picnic basket strategy last year, so I may just want to cook some meals that can be eaten cold and put them in a cooler to take along again. Better get on that, there's not much time let to get it all ready.

Sewing project: ballet skirt

So I finished the ballet skirt I've wanted to make myself for a while now. I found a pattern drafted by the talented and hilarious blogger The Selfish Seamstress, printed it out, and taped it together. The fabric I chose was a black polyester georgette with a magenta and tan rose print on it. I liked the look of it and it would match two out of my three ballet leotards. I cut out what was basically a large half-circle of the fabric, then I double-folded the waistband over a length of grosgrain ribbon and pinned it in place, which was tough because of how shifty the georgette is. But when I sewed it, it came out okay.

Then I sewed a zigzag stitch near to the bottom edge. The fabric is ravelly and I wasn't sure how to hem something of this shape, so I thought I'd make a border and then trim it.

The stitching seems to have pulled together a little too tightly, but I actually think that's a good thing because now there's raised line at the edge that kind of feels like cord. It made it easier to trim the excess without cutting the thread.

It came out okay except that the stitching prevents one corner of it from laying flat. But it's not that noticeable. This is how it looks on Adelaide, the name I finally picked for my dress form, who is currently fashionably wearing a see-through skirt with an ostrich feather hat.

I will wear it to ballet this Tuesday and see how it works. :-)

Tested and sewing for Titus

Spent my first full day of testing my Lenten resolution to not let things get me down. It was shockingly hard, and that in itself was sort of upsetting. Do my emotions and well-being really crash so easily? Is it really so tough for me to not spiral when things don't go my way? I'm sort of disgusted with myself. But I did a pretty good job of moving forward and not getting dragged down, so I guess with effort I can break this cycle. That's the idea behind committing to do it for the entire forty days.

I've been going in to help with Titus stuff in the afternoons of this week. I have mostly been assisting Walker, the costume designer, with costume construction. He's sewing and otherwise building the entire wardrobe, which I am quite impressed by, but it's a lot of work so I was happy to take a little bit of the burden off of his shoulders. I am actually really glad to have something getting me to practice my sewing, and the chance to hang around chatting with Walker has been pleasant as well. He is extremely intelligent and a very interesting person. Under his direction I made two half-circle capes, a purple imperial robe for polaris_xx*, a toga by attaching two white linen curtains together and putting a stripe of blue silk along one edge, and a red military tunic to be worn by Prentice. I hope to go back in and do more sewing today, and if it's possible for Walker to assign me something I may take some projects home and work on them over the weekend. I've been meaning to work on something anyway, so if it would take some of the load off of him, I would be happy to get the practice.

Health for Lent

My equilibrium is so fragile these days. My frustration tolerance is practically nil, which just throws everything off. But yesterday was Ash Wednesday, the day we remember our mortality and the human struggle. We are but dust and to dust we shall return. So I am doing what I can to let it all go.

For Lent this year I am not going to take my usual approach of just giving something up. I am going to frame it in terms of sacrificing indulgence in the form of wasting time and energy on useless actions and unhealthy negativity. I want to give myself some assignments to stick to in order to improve my physical and emotional health. I haven't been taking very good care of myself lately-- not my body, not my mind, not anything. So I am going to impose a healthier routine on myself to see if it doesn't improve how I feel, and therefore how I am as a person. This will include:

- no junk food of any kind
- exercise at least three times a week, preferably five
- drinking more water
- scheduling time for activities (writing, sewing, etc) to make sure I actually do them
- letting things roll off my back rather than get upset and ruin my whole mood and outlook
- checking myself when I get unkind or excessively judgmental
- getting in the habit of saying daily prayers

I have a very good track record of sticking to the resolution I make for the period, so maybe if I resolve to better habits I will actually stick to it. That's kind of a tall order, but it never hurts to try. I could use a little better balance. I'm tired of feeling so off all the time. My reasoning is that if I feel stronger and more serene, I will be able to be a better human being to other people. Which I would hope is in the spirit of Lent.

Family pictures

Some family pictures my parents sent me just now.

This is my mom with her dog, Merlin, on the right and her friend's dog, Buster, on the left. She loves dogs.



And this is a picture of my paternal grandparents, Gertrude and Arthur Roberts, on Valentine's Day.



<3

Leisurely week

This should be a good week. It had a great start with my day trip with Jane and a nice President's Day with Jared, and looks to be good from here on out. I finished my first assignments for both screen writing and science fiction and fantasy, which means I have about three weeks until the next ones are due and therefore no particular pressure to spend all my time on them. My plan is to go to help out with Titus build in the afternoons and then have nice leisurely evenings. I'm not going to ballet this week because the schedule is altered and there won't be beginner classes offered, so I have more time Tuesday and Thursday nights. My plan is to cook healthy and delicious dinners, work on homework but not spend all night on it, maybe get a workout in, and continue on through my sewing book. That will keep me productive but still allow me to take it easy. It's not often that happens for me for a solid work week.

Newport with Jane

Had one of the nicest weekends I've had in quite some time. Saturday I went to Newport, RI to meet aurora_knight* and have a great time walking around through the city. That was a great trip. I'd never been there before, but I knew it was a pretty town by the sea where lots of Gilded Age millionaires built their summer homes. We went on a tour of two of the grandest, The Breakers and The Elms. The Breakers in particular was opulent, seventy rooms all styled like high French aristocratic chateaux, designed by the famous Vanderbilt family. The ceilings were all crenelated with carvings of animals, mythology, angels, and fruit, and covered over with painted murals. The gilt covering the moldings and the furniture was made of actual gold. The billiard room was walled entirely in marble. There was a fountain under the staircase. It had ballrooms and sitting rooms and dining halls and a breakfast room and dozens of bedrooms. It was grand and gorgeous but honestly rather overdone. It was rather too much for my tastes, and honestly did not seem liveable by modern standards. I was trying to imagine rolling out of bed, padding down that giant staircase in my pajamas and walking across my cavernous hall to eat my breakfast in my opulent breakfast suite. It made me kind of uncomfortable, honestly. Maybe it works better if you're expected to be fully dressed in elegant clothes and have servants waiting on you and making everything happen, but Jane said that even for the age it was considered over-the-top. I like the say I could expand into any amount of space you gave me-- throwing parties and hosting dinners and running larps and having rooms for sewing and gaming and maybe even a performance space --but I found the Breakers to be just too much even for me. My favorite part of it was the butler's pantry, a place like a kitchen except without fixtures like a stove or anything, which was elegant in the simplicity of its very fine dark wood cabinets and endless counter space. By contrast, the other house, The Elms, of the coal family the Berwinds was very fine and grand but more tasteful and liveable. I'm sure I could move in there just fine. :-)

Overall it was a lovely trip, walking around and chatting with Jane, who is always lovely company. I'm so glad she invited me. Thanks, dear! Here is a nice picture of Jane in one of the Newport shops we browsed. Her hair looks very pretty.